Ten feet apart
by fraukey
Summary: First he meets her eyes. Then he meets...other parts. After a stretch of time, he meets a girl, which subsequently turns into a woman. All the while, they continuously seem to be ten freaking feet apart. A story about Alex and Jo growing up as foster kids. Very broody moody teenage stuff! NOW COMPLETE!
1. Green eyes

**PART I**

**LET ME TELL YOU A STORY ABOUT A BOY MEETING A PAIR OF EYES**

[March 1994]

**I'm not like them**  
**But I can pretend**  
**The sun is gone,**  
**But I have a light**  
**the day is done,**  
**I'm having fun**  
**I think I'm dumb**  
**Or Maybe just happy**

The lyrics blasted pleasantly through Alex' headphones. He was listening to Nirvana's latest album on the market. _In Utero. _Brilliant. He hated the fact that his dad had actually taken the time to get him a copy for his cassette tape recorder and now he fully enjoyed listening to it back and forth. It sounded like an oxymoron to him. His dad giving something to him that he actually enjoyed. Alex sighed. _O__h well, Nirvana usually suited his moods. Wherever the tape might have come from,_ he decided for himself. Alex had just passed through the gate of the backyard, when he looked down at his watch. 3.53 pm. _Perfect. _It was about time for Ms. Morgan's daily conference calls between social workers, authorities and the likes. There wasn't a more efficient way to get to information about your own family, or sometimes, about yourself. He looked around the yard and assessed contently that only the young ones were playing outside, nobody he had to watch out for while he was making his way over to his hiding and listening spot. When he neared it, he crouched and inched closer to the window. Several feet before, he hit the pause button on his recorder, only to make out in disappointment that he had already missed the beginning. _Over-punctual today, huh, Ms. Morgan? Evening plans to get to?_

„No, I'm trying to tell you that he's impossible to place," the resolute female's voice wafted out the office window followed by a cloud of cigarette smoke. "He's stubborn and aggressive and he has been dropping out of every middle school across Des Moines. I have no idea how he will ever finish school, let alone do anything reasonable with his life. He's a hopeless case. I tell you, I don't blame people not wanting to care for him. We've tried to place him several times, however, every time his siblings are accepted back into the home environment, he acts out. I don't get it. It's like he doesn't even want a stable home. It appears to me he'd rather stay in that dump they call home with that unbelievable father that I have never once experienced clean and that mother who appears younger and more helpless than that little sister of his," the woman ranted into the receiver clutched between her head and her shoulder, rustling with papers. _Oh, perfect. Front row seat to let's trash the Karev kid again. _Alex strained to listen further while he crouched in the bushes underneath the much hated group home director's office. After a short pause, he made out a gruff chuckle.

"No, we're looking into special needs adoption, now. There's probably a 1% chance we'll find a permanent home for all three without separating them. Furthermore, the oldest one is 14. I dare say there's a chance for his 10 year old brother to be adopted sooner or later, but he's a weakling, trust me. He's all whiny and shy and that's not what attracts adoptive parents by any means. He's never been admitted but from all my years of experience, he's probably developmentally challenged," the woman rasped away, oblivious about Alex listening in, who had shaped his hands into fists and clenched his teeth. _How dare that old witch call his brother developmentally challenged? He was young and scared. He had had it rough all his life. They all had. He was trying to cope in his own way. _Alex tried to calm himself. No use fighting that old bat physically. Even though that's all he could think of at the moment. Or punch his hand through her window. Or something like it. It really didn't surprise Alex that they hadn't been able to find a permanent home for all three of them contemplating who had been doing the talking and advocating for them. "There's probably an even greater chance for the girl to be adopted, individually though," the director moved further. "Wouldn't harm her, either, to be separated from her family," she mused. _Yeah, because that's what helps make kids grow to be healthy and well. Separate them from their families. _Alex' head was fuming. „She's such a sweet girl. She just turned six. We couldn't send her to school yet, though, she's sickish. In and out of the hospital. Both birth parents and foster parents are overwhelmed with her weak health."

Alex noted how the woman's voice softened a bit while talking about his little sister. _God, I hate the hyena. _Everybody who had been at the group homes of Des Moines long enough or frequently enough knew that the director Camille Morgan favored girls over boys. _Pretty little princesses. Everybody loved adopting cute little dolls. People generally hated adopting rough around the edges boys. Or weak boys. Or boys out of broken homes. Little criminals they called them. Well, you didn't have to do anything much to be dubbed at least _something _in foster care. There was always something wrong with you. _It was Alex' sixth time bouncing back to that group home after having dropped out of school and having been abandoned by yet another foster family who was too _overwhelmed _to care for him. They had granted their birth parents supervised custody again and again over the years, but it had never lasted very long. Alex was exhausted of changing from home to foster homes back to a group home. He was always on the ride. Always floating somewhere in between, never really arriving anywhere. But it was okay, he hadn't known another life. This was his life. And he had a lot to do to protect his younger siblings, so there wasn't much time to bitch about it anyways. He exhaled slowly, trying to not make himself heard, releasing the anger and frustrations within himself. _He just needed to be closer to Aaron and Amber. Why couldn't they just get that? They were kids, babies really. They couldn't defend themselves. They wouldn't survive without him. But no, people usually thought Alex was just a teenage replica of his violent, heroin-shooting dad. People thought he was a threat to his siblings as well. What had he ever done to deserve all that hate?_

Alex' last foster family had lived out in the suburbs. They had been nice enough. Preposterous, but nice. Wealthy. Doing it to keep the _good _rolling in the world. Pay it forward. That kind of crap. He had accustomed just fine. But as soon as he had gotten notion of Iowa's child welfare officers deciding his parents had cleaned up nice enough for his younger siblings to go back home, even if it was only temporarily and naturally under supervision, he had to get closer to them. There was no way Aaron and Amber would survive under the Karev roof without him. And with surviving, Alex was actually talking literally. _Thinking, more like it_. It wasn't like anybody had ever asked him. He closed his eyes while Ms. Morgan rambled on to whoever she was talking to on the phone, complaining about her long work hours and her paycheck. _Seriously. There are kids in need of a stable home and family. And you are complaining about your paycheck. Bitch._

Alex closed his eyes, trying to get his temper under control. _Okay, think. What is it you haven't tried yet? You can't punch your way out. They're gonna march you straight into juvie. And you're no use to anyone in there. But you can't behave either. You can't let them have you match with a perfect family. You'll never be able to watch over Aaron and Amber. Ugh, fuck. _Alex startled mildly when he heard leaves rustling and some branches click nearby. He yanked his eyes open and looked around. He had almost forgotten where he was and what he was doing – which was eavesdropping – and had barely been able to refrain himself from shouting out to make out who was there. The director, though, had already been drawn to another hot topic, not realizing any strange movements or noises in her vicinity. Alex listened to the faint but distinct sound of the old lady working the lighter again to ignite another cigarette and rambling on.

"Oh, don't get me started on the Wilson kid," she coughed out revoltingly. Alex pressed against the wall underneath the window when he heard her take some steps in his direction and open the window up widely for the smoke to disseminate a bit. He looked around the bushes sharply, trying to find out what or who had detected his hiding and listening spot he had found for himself years ago and still visited frequently up to this day. He had tried to listen to the phone conversation some more since he hadn't ever heard of any kid named Wilson, which struck him slightly strange, however, as he scrunched up his face to make out the words, he heard a big crack and watched how an approximately 10 year old girl jumped from an already falling tree branch a few feet from him, landing on all fours. He had never seen the girl before. She was skinny and from what he could observe, she was pretty athletic. _But weren't all kids? _She had dark, long, braided hair, swaying back and forth from her jump a second ago. Her eyes were wide and her features seemed a little startled from what had happened. When their eyes matched, Alex swore he could have mistaken her for a deer in the dark. Her eyes were so deep and rich somehow, he was almost a bit taken aback. Their color were a warm green and the girl's stunned face made the innocence reflected in her eyes even more pronounced. They both alerted when they heard a pause in the phone conversation and tentative steps towards the window. _Fuck. _Both Alex' and the girl's faces drained and as they looked at each other they instantly tried to communicate with their eyes. From how he had grown up and learned over the years, having been in and out of that home frequently, the kids, often from similar backgrounds, all of them desperately wishing and hoping for a fairy tale family to show up and love them and take them in even though none of them would ever admit that publicly, all those kids usually tried to outdo each other and led a never-ending struggle for who was the 'best orphan'. However, the one other thing he had learned as well was as soon as it came to stand up to Ms. Morgan, every kid residing at the group home bonded. There was an unsaid agreement that nobody would let her have all the power over them. It was hard enough watching her fuss over the little kids and the girls.

Alex usually was a person to mull stuff, especially escape or rescue plans, over and over again in his mind and it usually took him a long time to make final decisions and make moves but right then, with the help of his until then unfamiliar accomplice, he needed quick wits. He jerked his head an inch to his left to let her know she had to move over towards where he was standing in a matter of seconds to not get caught by Ms. Morgan's dull eyes while he was ducking down towards the ground and looked for a reasonably sized rock. Once he had unearthed it, he spotted the girl starting to run over to him, and she was fast, and at the same time, Alex threw the rock against a nearby tree to the other side of him making its branches crack and leaves rustle once it tumbled to the ground. They both hitched their breathing when they heard the director's loud rasps directly above them and both prayed to the unknown for her to not lean out of the window to detect them underneath the wide window sill. They both counted the seconds until the stubby woman decided she must have heard a wild animal or something and walked back to her desk, her ugly man shoes clicking on the floor, going back to bitching into the receiver.

"Yeah, I have it right here. She's been available to be adopted all her life. Mother left her on the doorstep of a fire station. Nobody wants her. Who can blame them? She has no history, no nothing. Who knows what people she came from? Also, she's been in and out of foster families and they all report back she's rude and aggressive – once she talks at all. Which isn't a given most of the days. Can't even remember when I heard her say a word in my presence the last time. She's weird. I've watched her sneaking around the halls for a while now. Won't talk to anyone, doesn't make friends. If she comes in to eat, she sits by herself, sipping her soup feverishly, watching everybody meticulously as if she were on defense all the time. She's wild. I tell you. She's probably going to be the next one needing special needs adoption," the woman spat out. As Alex listened on quietly and watched the other kids play in the yard, he could make out the girl's white knuckles clutching her knees besides him from the corner of his eye. He looked over at her in surprise and caught her in a moment of weakness as he would learn years later. Her lips were a thin line and she was biting on part of her lower lip, her eyes narrowed. Alex could basically hear her thoughts scream at the director. _Was the woman talking about her? _When their eyes matched, he studied them and concluded, her eyes did have something that looked wild to him. But she was only a kid. _A little girl_. A girl that apparently no one had ever wanted. Alex' stomach churned when he realized how many different kinds of bad there were out there. She definitely had it bad. _But well, at least she didn't have a steak-knife stabbing mother and a heroin addict underneath her roof._

While he was thinking, the girl regained her usual dismissive demeanor and a smirk built on her face. It was… hard to define but definitely wild. Alex didn't know the girl but for all he could say… she looked like she enjoyed being that girl. That girl that was dubbed untamable and unteachable. Alex chuckled before startling mildly and putting a hand over the girl's mouth as she had been trying to voice something but he could hear the director hanging up the phone and getting up again. When the girl tried to defend herself madly, he gave her a burning stare to _shut the hell up. _The girl faltered underneath his gaze and even though she was still rigid within his arms, she relaxed a bit until they heard the old bat exit the office and Alex dropped his arms, leaning his head back onto the wall, exhaling the breath he had been holding. He started pulling up rocks and throwing them out to release some of the tension within him. The girl had gotten up immediately and rushed away before turning around mid-step and jogging up to him with a wild face and white knuckles once more. Alex looked at her amusedly.

"What? Are you going to punch me or something?" Alex chuckled at seeing her face and observing her demeanor. The girl seemed like she was fuming. "I'm not scared of you, just so you know," Alex shook his head, getting up, deciding what to do next. He put his headphones back on, already about to hit the play button, when the girl cleared her throat, looking at him piercingly. He looked at the girl questioningly before a suspicious smile widened on her face making her look pretty haywire.

"I'm not scared of you, either, Alex Karev," she told him in a girlish whisper, blushing a bit for she definitely had tried to sound a lot scarier and stronger. Alex scrunched up his face by the mention of his name and shook his head in confusion. The girl was already strolling away, when she looked back at him, wriggling her eyebrows playfully. "Oh, this is going to be so much fun," she shook her head at him challengingly and chuckled, taking a hike through the bushes, leaving Alex stand perplexedly in front of Ms. Morgan's office window, looking after her sheepishly. _What the hell was that?_


	2. No fear

[April 1994]

Alex walked along the crash barriers of the road, hitting it every few steps to let off some steam. It had been six weeks since he had heard about his siblings being accepted back into their parents' house and roughly a month since he had decided to act out at his foster home to make them bring him back to the group homes at least, since they all were a lot closer to where Amber and Aaron where residing. It had been too long, and still, he had no idea how to actually make the authorities let him go back with his family. It was a very fine line between behaving and subsequently finding a suitable foster family that wanted to care for him and then to the opposite, not behaving and going into special care or worse, juvenile detention. In all his years as a foster kid, Alex hadn't found out what it was, or which behavior it was that would make him go back to live with his parents. It really only came back to the fact that it really didn't matter to child welfare if the Karev kids were together or separated, whereas that fact alone determined the actual well-being of all of them. But no, it wasn't the kids that they were concerned with, but the parents alone.

The social workers defined the Karev parents' moods in highs and lows. They'd grant them temporary custody of their kids again once his father managed to put on some decent clothes and hide his armpits and arm crooks so the social workers could at least ignore the fact that he was an addict which they all knew about all too well. It irked Alex, no it enraged him, how everybody could be so blind. Yes, he had to give him that, his father did know how to clean up and act all charming and reasonable, even responsible. He had been a respected person once. Before giving his life up to live off of heroin and giving up his job to go tour with his freaking guitar. His dad knew how to clean up superficially, he had to give him that. However, it maddened him how all those social workers only met with him for like an hour once a month and then tried to decide if he was capable of caring for the kids again. The remaining 671 hours of every month, the kids were the ones paying for that mistake. And all because the child welfare services not once stood back and pondered if it would be a good idea to maybe ask the kids what it was like to live with a junkie and a crazy lady. His mom never contributed much to the decision if they were ready to care again. If she cleaned up nicely, she was a friendly, quiet and pleasant person. Nobody could see the crazy going on in her head. Apart from the kids. They suffered underneath it. Alex sighed deeply, punching his fist into the crash barrier again, the skin on his knuckles splitting and he could feel the burn of his blood and the dust mixing on his wound.

Alex walked on, making out the almost decayed looking elementary school he was steering towards, to go see if he could snatch a few words out of his brother. He really was the only person that he could use for information momentarily. Nobody would give him any. Not even Ms. Morgan. Especially not Ms. Morgan. Alex' insides stirred when he thought about the lady. He loathed her. They mutually loathed each other. She had been responsible for so many wrongs in his life, however, there was one thing he really couldn't seem to forget about which made him hate her even more. Her calling his brother developmentally challenged. _How could someone be at such an important position in Iowa's child welfare services while being such a terrible, terrible person?_ Alex gulped, trying to forget about the very clear picture of the old woman he had in his head. When he neared the school premises, he ducked and sneaked around the back way to not get caught doing it. He had ditched school for the day to make his trip here. He couldn't risk being seen. Once he rounded a corner to the backyard of the school, Alex could make out Aaron kneeling on the insides of the wired fence, waiting for Alex to appear at their arranged meeting spot. Alex' heart hurt for his baby brother. They hadn't arranged a meeting for that day which made him think that Aaron had to be sitting and waiting there every freaking day. He creeped closer and Aaron looked up at the bushes rustling, giving his big brother a wide smile. Alex reciprocated it and they bumped knuckles through the fence. His bloody hands didn't go unnoticed by Aaron.

"Who did you punch now?" Aaron asked exasperatedly. His voice was something in between a scared whisper for he knew if Alex started punching again, he would never go back to living with them, and on the other hand it sounded so grown-up, so reasonable. Alex chuckled and waved him away.

"How's mom doing?" Alex was leaning against the shabby wire fence that had been set up to _protect _the kids going to the most run down and lampooned public elementary school in Des Moines from strangers and criminals when playing out in the yard, watching the on goings between the youngsters. His brother Aaron, an awkward but sweet fifth grader, was squatting on the dirty ground, scratching shapes in the dirt with a stick, his head in between his knees, looking like a scared turtle. Alex tried his hardest not to roll his eyes at his little brother. Alex had always been the dad figure in their family and had taken over responsibilities and had to be strong and fearless for the benefit of his siblings and mother. His brother, though, even though he was barely four years younger than him, had always been the weaker one, always sashaying on the very fine line between drowning and surviving, Alex always having been the one who had been tugging him along forcefully. It broke Alex' heart to know that Aaron was scared beyond belief to now have to kind of take Alex' spot within their family since his older brother had still not been permitted to go home and live with his parents again. Apparently, testing out the limits with a 10 year old and 6 year old seemed a lot more reasonable to child welfare before deciding if all the kids were _safe _and _well cared for _back under the roof of their parents. But on the other hand, he so wanted to yell and snark at his little brother. He needed to buck up a bit. He needed to learn to defend himself. And he wasn't gonna do so with his head jammed between his knees. He sighed.

"She's okay. She mostly spends her days on the couch," Aaron reported back to his brother dutifully. Alex nodded hesitantly, knowing all about his mother's migraines. _This is how all her episodes had started from what he could remember. _Thinking back to her last episode and its repercussions on their family, he sighed.

* * *

_"I'm home," Alex yelled to a seemingly empty house, throwing his backpack on the base of the stairwell, entering the kitchen, seeing his 5 year old sister sitting on the floor in the doorway between kitchen and living room. "Hey baby girl," he bent down to pet her fine hair softly before kissing her cheek, making her smile. "Whatcha doing? Playing doctor's?" he eyed the little toy doctor's kit Amber was holding out to him. She nodded at him with big eyes and smiled her innocent little smile. "You'll need to listen to my breathing sounds, once I've said hi to mom, alright?" he told her before passing into the living room. _

_He rounded the couch, looking around for Aaron who he hadn't seen yet. He was probably hiding again, even though that was a pretty hard task contemplating that their house was very sparsely furnished. "Mom," he yelled, seeing her swaying in her sitting position on the couch. "Mom, one's enough," he snatched the pillbox out of her hand and grabbing the stack of pills as well, leaving one in the palm of her hand. His mom looked up at him with a grateful smile. _

_"Oh, honey, you're such a good boy," she said in a sing-song voice before ingesting the sleeping pill. Alex pocketed the box before guiding her to lie down on the couch and put the previously wetted wash cloth on her forehead. _

_"I'm gonna go fetch you a cup of water," he whispered, squeezing his mom's upper arm. He went back to the kitchen and filled up a cup before returning, looking down at Amber's make-belief doctor's session with an old, ragged teddy bear, already walking by before realizing what he was seeing. "Amber, NO," he yelled frantically, turning around quickly, spilling all the water while spinning. Amber looked up at him in terror, instantly starting to shiver. "Don't move, sweetie," he instructed her before putting the cup aside and bending down to take away the very real, very used looking syringe she was playing with, giving the teddy a shot. "Amber, you can't play with that, where did you get it from?" By now, Amber had started up crying softly. "Oh baby, come here," Alex hugged her to him, holding out the needle cautiously. When she had calmed a bit, he got up and looked through her doctor's kit. "I'll take that, alright? I'll give it back to you later, alright?" he told her, meeting big eyes and a heavy nod. When she wanted to hug her teddy bear, he snatched it away also. "And I'm gonna get you a new toy, alright?" he tried to stay calm even though his head was spinning. He was no doctor but he sure knew that there was no such thing as a five year old walking away from playing with a used heroin needle unharmed. "Aaron? Aaron, come out, I need your help," he called, making Aaron appear instantly. He tugged him closer before whispering, "Aaron, I need you to go get the antiseptic from upstairs. It's in the bathroom closet. There's one for needles and one for skin. Bring both," he instructed slowly, Aaron immediately following his orders. _

_"Amber, come here, where did you find the needles?" S__he pointed over to where some boxes filled with old__ rags were stored, usually meant for Amber to have something to play dress up with, crouching down on the floor. Alex sighed, trying to keep in his rage._

_"Alright, baby, everything's gonna be good," he told her soothingly, when Aaron appeared back in the doorway. "Aaron, put the toys in the sink and scrub them with the alcohol. But wait," Alex rummaged around a drawer for some rubber gloves, "wear these. Be careful," he told him. "Amber, come here," he said, inspecting Amber's hands and arms and face area. He put on some throw out gloves before rubbing Amber's hands with the disinfectant. "Alright, that should do for now," he said. "We need to go to the hospital, though," he explained to his siblings, both looking at him with wide eyes. He looked over his mom's knocked out demeanor, sighing. He knew she couldn't be woken in this state. He looked at the clock. They had three hours before his dad would come home and realize they weren't there. "Okay, everyone, move," he instructed, helping Amber putting on her shoes and a sweater before rummaging for a piece of old cloth, coiling it around the syringe and boxing it up in a carton, putting it in his backpack and bringing it with him. They all walked out together. Alex opened up the trashcan to throw out the teddy bear, making Amber cry once more. He lifted her up to hug her to him, whispering soothing words in her ear. "Everything's gonna be okay, Amber, everything's going to be just fine," he whispered, side-hugging his little brother upon seeing his distraught face. "Everything's going to be just fine," he repeated, squeezing Aaron's shoulder tightly, walking straight ahead, a three mile road towards the next hospital._

* * *

"What about Amber? Is she doing okay? Has she been back to the doctor?" Alex could feel his pulse fasten a tiny bit thinking about his sickish baby sister left alone in the hands of his incapable mother and junkie father. Aaron shrugged.

"She's fine. She cries a lot. Can't sleep. Has bad nightmares. She always comes crawling over in the middle of the night. That Ms. Jolanders came to take her back to the hospital for the check-up but I don't know anything about it. She talked to mom afterwards," Aaron mumbled while he was still working on his dirt art.

"Has she been back to school?"

"No," Aaron shook his head. "Mom makes her lie on the couch with her all the time. Won't let her go out. She can't even go play with me with the neighbor kids," he whispered. Alex rubbed his face in exasperation.

"She's gonna have to repeat kindergarten at the rate she's going. There's no way she's up for first grade next year," Alex kept pondering out loud, Aaron only shrugging. There was a long pause when they both just spun their own thoughts around in their heads, Alex staring ahead.

"Are you gonna come back home soon?" Aaron looked up for the first time, searching his brother's eyes. Alex sighed again, seeing the fear and helplessness in his baby brother's eyes.

"I wish I could tell you a date, buddy," Alex tried to tell him soothingly. "Until then, you need to keep your head up, alright? You need to be strong for mom and Amber. You're all they have. Alright? Can you do that for me? I'm gonna try everything to be back as soon as possible, alright?" Alex had reached through the stretched fence wires and grabbed onto Aaron's shoulder to give him some physical reassurance, waiting for Aaron's nod. It took a while but when he did nod, Alex' heart sank a little lower. "I'm sorry, Aaron," Alex whispered, feeling like he was out of ideas. "I wish I could be there with you," he admitted, hating the idea of going back to that dump but knowing that his vulnerable family was sleeping beneath one roof with a violent junkie without him at their rescue made him feel physically sick to his stomach.

"Hey, lookie there, the weirdo kid has a boyyyyfriend," a boy seemingly Aaron's age called over towards them, encased in a crowd of same aged boys and girls laughing and cheering cruelly. Aaron blushed and tugged his head in between his knees again, steering ahead at the shapes he had scratched onto the ground earlier. Alex scrunched up his face to make out the group of kids before looking down at his brother.

"Aaron, is that how they're talking to you here?" he tried to find out, feeling the mad rise in his throat. Aaron just shrugged. "Dude, you need to grow a pair and stand up to them, otherwise you're never gonna make it through middle school, let alone high school!" he raised his voice a bit towards his brother who seemed to sink lower and lower with every word. Alex looked at him another moment before turning his eyes towards the group of still laughing kids again and took in a sharp breath, only to be interrupted by Aaron.

"No, please, Alex, don't say anything," the little boy begged him. "It's bad enough as it is," he explained. "Please, I don't need them to say anything about you as well," he said. "There's already the dirty clothes and the shaggy hair and my weak muscles and my sometimes slow mental math in class. I don't need them trashing my family as well. Please, Alex," he pleaded with him desperately, making the older one sigh again and bite his lips.

"Aaron," he tried to comfort him somehow without actually knowing what to tell him. "They're just kids. They'll grow out of it. They're dumb and cruel. Don't take it too hard. They'll find another victim soon," Alex spat out, watching as small rocks kept flying out of the tree crown besides them, seemingly from an invisible hand, irritating the group of kids that had momentarily been joking and laughing and now whining about the disturbances. He scrunched up his face, Aaron following his eyes.

"They already did," Aaron whispered, making Alex look back at him.

"What do you mean by that?" he questioned, confused. Aaron pointed up at the treetop with his chin, sighing.

"That's a girl from my class. She lives at the group homes, too. You probably even know her. She's a loner, like me. Kids don't like her much. Nobody wants to be friends with her. The girls don't like her because they're scared. She's not a girlish girl. She doesn't wanna play house or braid hair or knot bracelets, she's kinda… wild and climbs trees and runs and hits sometimes. Well, she likes to fight. Like physically fight. She provokes the boys all the time. They laugh at her. So, when it's not me they're bullying, they do it with her. Difference is, she's not letting them do it. She knows how to fight. We never really talk much but she's helped me out several times. She always gets kicked in the butt for it, though, which makes me feel bad. But I share my lunch with her sometimes if she didn't get any. She's nice," Aaron told Alex who nodded curtly with every bit of information he got out of his brother before his eyes widened in surprise when a small but agile looking girl climbed down the tree trunk a few feet before jumping on one of the boys' backs with force and pulling him down to the ground, trying to wrestle with him.

"Whoa," he said between a chuckle and a startle.

"Yeah, she does that all the time," Aaron said, looking a bit scared himself. "I don't know why she just can't leave them alone," he wondered.

"You think you're such a big shot, don't you," the girl hissed maliciously at the boy who was squealing in horror now, the others just watching. It was clear that they all hated on the foster kid but nobody really had the guts to help the boy who moments before had laughed at Aaron cruelly. "Show me how much of a big shot you are now, huh? Now that your friends can't help you because they're all scared of the _mad girl who has no parents. _Now that you are out of victims like Aaron who won't defend himself because he's too smart to let you have it, huh? Eat that," her words travelled over to the fence where Alex and Aaron stood watching the whole scene, the girl shoving grass and dirt into the boy's mouth.

"Josephine Wilson, ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?" The screeching voice of a lady teacher who was jogging out to where the kids had gathered around the boy lying flat on the ground and the girl sitting on top of him, not looking like she cared about her impending punishment. She dragged her off the boy, wrenching her by her shirt, her face only inches from the girl's who still looked pretty unimpressed. "What the heck do you think you're doing?"

"I'm just trying to put back all the dirt that's coming out of Tommy's mouth because nobody wants to hear it," the girl answered nonchalantly. The teacher fumed.

"You little smart mouth. Now you've gone too far," she said, dragging the girl behind her while already taking long strides towards the school's entrance. The girl followed willingly, however, looked back at the still tearing up boy smirking at him. She looked complacent. Tommy's friends all stood behind him, narrowing their eyes at her. Once she could tear her eyes from their still baffled faces, the girl's gaze swiftly grazed over towards where Aaron and Alex were standing. When their eyes met, Alex gulped. He did know the girl. Well, not the girl. He knew those eyes. _Those deep, green eyes. _Nope, he hadn't forgotten about them. But he had never even thought about the possibility of A running into her again since he hadn't ever seen her before their first meeting and had mused that she had probably only been on her way through to some adoptive family and B Aaron sharing a class with her. She smirked at him before looking at Aaron and softening her smile to let him know that she was always going to protect him since he wasn't a fighter himself. It took Alex aback of how much those eyes talked without saying anything. Alex could see out of the corner of his eye that Aaron gave her the tiniest smile before his head fell to his chest and his eyes searched the ground. The girl's eyes swayed over to his once more, burning into them. Alex tried to hold the gaze.

"I'm not scared of anyone," Jo mouthed, before the teacher had led her away into the school building, leaving a confused and agitated Alex and a very awkward feeling Aaron behind. _Well, _Alex thought to himself on his way back, _I do know one thing now. Jo Wilson is not afraid of anything or anyone. _The only thing Alex didn't know was what the hell he was supposed to do with that knowledge. And why in the world he was still thinking about it at all. _  
_


	3. Statistics

[May 1994]

"So," Casey hummed and hawed, standing a couple of feet from Alex, blushing slightly. "Does that mean you're taking me to the summer dance?"

Alex' eyebrows shot up, not having anticipated that question. _Ugh, fuck. Quick, say something. _"Ummm…," he just got out, making his crush giggle girlishly. _Always those giggles. And pink bows. And flowery dresses. Even though we all know she is so not a girly girl anymore. _"How about we just hang out somewhere? Maybe by the pond. I could probably manage to get my hands on some beer…," Alex suggested. Casey rolled her eyes.

"Ew, Alex, I don't want any beer. I wanna go to the dance," she pouted and looked at him pointedly, arms crossed. Alex sighed. _Girls. You make out once and what do you know… they expect you to pay. Literally. _

"School dances are always boring, though," Alex took a step closer and snaked his fingers up her arm, feeling the goose bumps underneath them. He leaned in to whisper in her ear. "I have a couple of ideas that sound much more interesting to me….," he rasped, trying to sound seductive. Alex knew he didn't really sound it but hell, fourteen year old girls really didn't know how that was supposed to sound like, either. However, one thing Alex did know. They all loved him. He was the bad boy. Mysterious, rude, brooding, athletic. He didn't give a damn why they were all fawning over him. Perfect for a little childhood rebellion? _Worked for him._ And it surely was perfect for his own frustrations to gain a productive output. And it made him feel good. People actually wanting to be with him. Girls bitchfighting over him. He put on a smug grin. Casey, however, looked at him with raised eyebrows and her own version of smugness.

"Tell you what, you take me to the dance, and then we'll see about those extracurricular activities you have planned…," she whispered back in his face. "Until then," she grabbed onto his shirt teasingly, "you don't get to touch any of this," she said, presenting her girlish body with her hands. Alex chuckled. _Tease. _He watched her walk away in a different direction and actually felt relieved. He had been going out of his way to wait until every single one of his school mates had gone home themselves or even gave them walks home before returning to the group homes himself. He didn't want anyone to realize where he actually lived. Not again at this school. Not ever again.

When he entered the gate, somebody clapped his shoulder and when he turned to look who it was, he could make out the smug grin of the only other guy that was actually older than Alex himself, residing at the group home. Chester.

"Dude," the older one chuckled. "She's 14. You realize that?"

"So am I," Alex gave back dismissively. He didn't care. At least one thing in his life that ran smoothly. He wasn't gonna wait until he was… a high schooler or even older. _Seize the moment, right?_

"Yeah, but you are wickedly screwed up," Chester shouted out, laughing. Alex chuckled humorlessly, showing a lopsided smile.

"Unlike you, who's been screwing his way through high school just the same, huh?" Alex countered, entering the dining halls, looking around.

"Yeah, mate, but I'm turning 18 in August. You got ways to go, man," Chester laughed and vanished in the direction of their dormitory, whereas Alex strolled over towards Ms. Morgan's office, trying to catch her before she'd finish her day early, as she always did on Fridays.

Alex knocked on the slightly ajar office door, making the director grunt and wave him in dismissively, continuing to scribble down on a report. "What do you want, Karev?" her smoky voice rasped out. Alex walked over towards the window and opened it before leaning against the frame.

"Have you talked to the social worker yet?" he bounced right to where he wanted the conversation to be.

"About what?" Ms. Morgan grunted, ignorantly.

"You know damn well about what," Alex felt himself get agitated. The director looked up at him sharply.

"Don't you talk to me like that, boy," she told him warningly before taking a deep puff of her already burnt down cigarette. They stared at each other burningly until Ms. Morgan got tired of his perseverance and fumbled for her cigarette pack, lighting another one.

"Care to give me one?" Alex asked her, innocently. Ms. Morgan snorted, unintentionally inhaling the cigarette smoke through her nose and starting to cough disgustingly. Her reading glasses that had been sitting on her nose tumbled down, bouncing back on the cord they were hanging to around her neck and she grabbed onto pieces of paper, crumpling them up. Alex tried to hide a snort himself. The director needed a bit to calm herself again before she turned back to her record shelves and looked for something. She grabbed one of the binders and heaved it onto her desk, opening it up, studying the first page.

"I see you've cleaned up your act a bit. Been realizing you need somewhat better grades to be going on to high school next year, huh?" she gave a snide remark without looking at him.

"I'm not dumb, you know," Alex told her. "I just can be if I wanna be," he said. This made her look up. They sized each other up for a while before she grinned.

"Let's see about that once you've actually made it into high school," she told him, making herself comfortable in her desk chair, puffing on her cigarette.

"So? Have you?" Alex urged the conversation on. "Talked to the social worker?"

"Why do you even wanna go back there? You'd be better off in a foster home, don't you see that?" Ms. Morgan asked him. Alex narrowed his eyes. He wasn't sure if he hadn't ever listened close enough or if the very much hated on director did have a genuine part somewhere within herself, very well hidden but there. He had heard something in her voice that sounded very unfamiliar to him. He actually, genuinely didn't know if he was mistaken but he thought he had heard her care for a moment. When he didn't say anything for a couple of seconds, she went on, and she was back to being her usual uncaring self. "Grown there, gone there, huh?" she started up bustling with her papers again.

"I need to look after Aaron and Amber. They're lost without me," Alex tried to be honest for once as well, still hoping the notion he had heard a minute ago was actually there somewhere. When she looked up at him, she gave him a patronizing smile.

"Son, they may have told you that while you were growing up but your siblings are just fine with your mom," Ms. Morgan replied.

"You have no freaking idea what's going on under that roof," Alex pushed himself away from the window frame, staring her down angrily. "You have never ever been in there," he felt how his agitation reached his head. "My mother's sick. Nobody ever notices, but she's sick. She's supposed to be cared for. She can't care for my sister and brother. She's too weak. And fighting with her own demons. And you _do_ know my father. He's an addict. I can't even believe you made them go back to our parents! After what happened with Amber? After she found one of his needles and PLAYED with it? And doctors are actually asking themselves what's wrong with her and why she's been in and out of the hospital? It's so ridiculous, it's so DAMN ridiculous," Alex yelled frantically, losing his cool for a minute. When he was done and saw Ms. Morgan's taken aback face, he turned around and held onto the window sill, trying to calm himself. When he looked out of the window, his eyes immediately matched with a pair of green ones that were sitting in the tree opposite the window. They stared at each other, Alex knowing she must have heard everything. He sighed before Ms. Morgan spoke up again.

"Alex, you need to stop making up stuff like that. Your situation at home is bad enough. You don't need to worsen it by telling lies. Your mother isn't sick, she's just tired and a little overwhelmed. Your sister has always been sick. IF she had played with the needles and infected herself with something, the doctors would have found it – and they didn't," Ms. Morgan tried to reason.

"Doctors are only humans, you know that, right?" Alex grumbled quietly.

"Alex," the director sighed. "The social workers have been in and out with your family and they are keeping an eye on everything," she soothed. This tone of voice was new to Alex but at the moment, he really didn't care.

"Yes, in and out. Once, twice a month, or what? Tell me I'm wrong? Tell me they have eyes and ears everywhere. You can't watch this. You can't. Somebody needs to be there all the time to watch them. And about the doctors. You know, it's not like a doctor looks at you and knows everything. They need to do tests. Not all tests detect everything. It's not like they do tests and then there's a sheet of paper coming up that says, she is sick or she is healthy. I hope you know that," Alex added madly. He could hear the superior sigh.

"You can't protect them from everything," she tried.

"I can at least _try_," he spat back, finally breaking the eye contact he had been holding with the 10 year old and looking back at Ms. Morgan.

"You're supposed to look after yourself. Try to get your grades up, try to be nice and ready for a family to care for you. It's better for you, trust me," she said, lighting yet another cigarette, agitation visible on her face.

"You know as well as I do that with my age, nobody's gonna adopt OR foster me anymore. Don't pretend it's any different-," he told her.

"You don't know that. You can't ever know that beforehand," she pointed out. He shook his head.

"Well, tell me the statistics and I'll tell you which ones I will assign myself to. And also, what are you saying? Are you saying if I'm not going back there, my sister and brother will stay? THEY CAN'T STAY THERE, don't you get it? They won't survive," he yelled frantically.

"You're being very dramatic, Mr. Karev," Ms. Morgan reprimanded him. "I will see what I can do about your situation and _you_ will try to keep your grades up, so we won't have a problem sending you off to high school," she told him, finalizing the matter.

"Promise? Promise me you will either manage to send me back home or get them out of there? Please?" Alex asked, all his guard down. The director leaned back in her chair and looked at him in surprise. Alex guessed she hadn't ever seen him like that either. She nodded curtly. Alex sighed. "Alright. Thanks," he said, strolling out. When he was almost at the door, he turned back, smirking at her. "Hey, so, where can I get 50 bucks around here? I need some desperately," he questioned her in his usual macho behavior.

"What would you need that much money for?" Ms. Morgan turned around to look at him exasperatedly.

"I'm taking a girl to the summer dance. They charge for ticketing. And I wanna… I don't know… get her a hot dog and a Pepsi beforehand," he told her dismissively. The woman chuckled. "You know, you wanted me to be a good boy and socialize and get my grades up and work on my extracurricular activities," he gave her a smug face which actually made her laugh.

"You are unbelievable, Karev," she shooed him out, making sure to leave a note for the minder on duty to hand out a little extra allowance to the boy at the next occasion. Alex felt better after their conversation. _And making sure his extracurricular activities would take place, he certainly did. _

He walked out towards the yards and looked around. Most of the kids were still going after _their_ extracurricular activities and the few that were mingling in the yard, Alex didn't socialize much with. He strolled over to where he anticipated the green eyed girl to be, however, she must have crawled back into one of her hiding spots after their conversation in the office had ended. The previous weeks, Alex had been trying to observe the little girl a little bit closer and paid more attention to the _Wilson kid _as everyone continuously called her when he did his eavesdropping but there wasn't much he had been able to find out about her. Also, maybe he had been mistaken but he had actually thought that a short while after the incident at Aaron's school, the girl had been picked up for fostering. Maybe not. Maybe she had just been hiding very well. He strolled over towards the back of the building where he knew a decent sized hole in the fence would let him out and give him some space. When he was out on the fields, encased by some woods he picked up a stick and started cracking it noisily to let off some steam before finding a good rock to get comfortable on down by the stream, and got out the cigarette pack he had snatched from old bat's office. He lit one and enjoyed the rather nasty smell and taste the cigarette left behind. He figured this was something he should do. Smoke. Very fitting with his life. Nasty and unhealthy. He stared ahead, watching some beaver do his stuff when he heard the rustling again. He yanked his head around and matched eyes with the girl. Alex sighed, closing his eyes for having startled a bit and scrunched up his face.

"You're annoying, you know that?" he told her gruffly, puffing on his cigarette again.

"You're gross, you know that?" she came back, pointing at the cigarette, passing him by and walking carefully down to the stream, squatting down.

"Did you follow me?"

"Yes," the girl answered nonchalantly. Alex frowned.

"Why?"

"Well, you've been looking for me all over for like… a month or so… so I thought I might give you some slack and just follow you if you can't seem to be able to find me," she told him, washing her hands in the water.

"I have not been looking for you," Alex replied madly. "Why would I be?"

The girl shrugged. "Dunno," she smirked back at him. "Maybe I intrigue you," she said. Alex rolled his eyes at her.

"How old are you, anyways?" he snarked back, wanting to clear up that he wasn't interested in young middle school girls at all.

"Eleven," she replied dismissively. "And I wasn't saying that you like me like that, you perv," now it was her time to roll her eyes. Alex tried to hide a chuckle. She didn't seem to want to show it too much but from what and how she talked, even though she was putting on a very well executed couldn't-care-less act, throwing around big words, she was still such a girl. They both sat in silence for a bit, pondering. Weirdly, they both didn't mind about the other one being there much.

"So, where have you been the last weeks?" Alex tried to find out, even though he realized it would give him away. She turned back with a smug face.

"Hospital," she sighed, plopping down on her behind and losing her shoes and socks to tangle her feet in the water.

"Why?"

"They put me with a foster family that had some kind of bug. They were all nasty. Their house was smelly and the beds were… not sanitary," she scrunched up her face while talking.

"Big words for your age," Alex teased her lightly, making Jo narrow her eyes at him.

"I'm not dumb, jerk," she told him, making him raise his hands in defense.

"I wasn't saying that. I was just saying… my brother doesn't use big words like that," he pointed out. Their eyes matched again, sizing each other up. The girl apparently decided he hadn't annoyed her enough and continued.

"So, in the end, I was the one carrying away the bug. Because apparently they were so used to living in that smelly dump that they weren't prone to be infected. I was. So, they put me into quarantine," she sighed, ending the story. Alex raised his eyebrows.

"You'd really think they'd check the people and their homes before they send us to live there," he commented, making her nod slowly. "Sorry for the quarantine," he added jerkily, nodding at her awkwardly. She gave him an unimpressed look.

"It was awesome. Nobody irking me. Nobody wanting anything from me. They even gave me a TV and some game boy. And girl magazines," she added the last bit with a bored face. Alex chuckled.

"Must be hard, though. Live in quarantine for a month? Nobody touch you, not being allowed going out. Nobody talking to you except for maybe the nurse or a doctor," he said. She shrugged, looking down at her feet before looking up at him, having clearly put on a mask that screamed _I couldn't care less, I'm a survivor. _

"That," she told him with a smirk. "Could only come from the lips of a loved kid. What are you saying? I have so many people that care about me out here? So many friends that could have visited with me at the hospital? I couldn't care less if I had to be sitting around here or sitting around back there," she said. "Well, on second thought, even though we all despise the food here, it's a lot better than at the hospital, trust me," she nodded at him with big eyes, making him laugh again, shaking his head at her silliness. He didn't know the girl. The words they had exchanged now were reaching a pretty high level. Before that, they had only ever talked once. About how she wasn't scared of him. He didn't know anything about her. But she definitely intrigued him, he couldn't deny that anymore. But even more than that, she annoyed him. She was such a girl. But then again, not that he wished it on her, but if she was the one having to deal with his parents… she'd probably be one of those rare examples that actually would survive. She was definitely a fighter. But lonely. Just like him. He tried to keep his emotions back since there was no space for emotions out here, between them. But his heart broke for the little girl who seemed to actually have nobody. They sat in silence again for even longer this time.

"She's not gonna keep you three together, you know?" Alex startled when his companion spoke up again, especially what subject she chose.

"You wouldn't know anything about that," Alex replied gruffly. Nobody was to talk about his family, especially people who had no clue what it was like. She shrugged.

"I'm just saying. The chance is around zero. Did you know that only around 20% of all foster kids get adopted over a lifetime?" she turned back to him, challenge written all over her face.

"So, maybe we're with the 20%?"

"I'm just saying… 20% is only every 5th child. And then you guys are three. The chance that _one _family chooses to take in _three _kids… as said… chances are around zero," she explained.

"How would you know that anyways?" Alex was getting annoyed.

"I read it in a magazine that was lying around in one of my foster family's homes. You know… giving advice before adopting… how to pick out the cutest, bestest kid…blah blah," Jo narrated with a mockingly bored voice. Alex nodded slowly, observing the girl meticulously.

"Why did you bounce back from that family?" he asked her tentatively, just trying to make out why she was 11 years old and had never been picked.

"Because I didn't look at all like the kid in the picture of that article," she gave back to him masterfully. He smiled, looking down. She sighed, throwing some rocks into the stream. "You wanted statistics?" she asked him again, moving the conversation forward.

"Huh?" he scrunched up his face in confusion.

"Back with Ms. Morgan. You said you wanted statistics," she said. Alex nodded, realizing what she was talking about.

"Oh, yeah, that," he just answered lamely.

"Did you know that they say that the average foster kid spends three birthdays and a dozen holidays at a group home OR a foster home before being adopted?" she stared at him straightforwardly. Alex looked up, trying to get what she was saying. "Counting today, I spent nine birthdays, eight Thanksgivings, eight Christmases, seven Easters and whatnot at group homes. And I'm counting my actual _birth _day as one of the ones I didn't spend here. And I haven't been adopted yet," Jo's eyes burned into his as his guts slowly sank. They stared at each other, silence engulfing them.

"That's," he croaked out after a while. "Awful. That's awful," he repeated, not knowing what to say.

"All I'm saying is, don't worry about statistics. Maybe you'll go back to be with your family soon. Maybe Aaron and Amber will soon come here and then you'll all find a family together. Or maybe not. Don't count on statistics to tell you the future," she smiled at him quickly before tearing her eyes away to look over to the woods, trying to act like she hadn't just been genuine and very sensitive towards Alex and his situation. Alex had forgotten about the cigarette he had wanted to light a minute ago, taken aback by the girl's exclamation. After a while, she got up and strolled by him. "See you at dinner," she told him in her usual indifferent demeanor. He could hear her make her way through the long grass, hitting some rocks with the stick she had gathered up before unfreezing and turning around.

"Hey, Jo," he called after her, the girl turning around in surprise for him actually knowing her name.

"What?" she barked at him, insecurity creeping up in her voice, already starting to build walls again all around herself.

"Happy Birthday," Alex smiled at her, observing her struck face for a couple more seconds before turning back around on the rock, lighting his cigarette and trying to process the day he had been having.


	4. Life lessons

[June 1994]

"You couldn't even be bothered to wear a button up shirt and some slacks?" Casey's girlish voice screeched, making Alex grit his teeth. He looked down at his attire. He was wearing his best shirt and some clean, proper jeans. No holes, no anything. His heart sunk and he sighed, his mood quickly washed away by annoyance.

"I'm here, aren't I?" he grunted at his date who was wearing a fancy – again flowery – dress with a bow around her middle. She looked cute. Casey sighed exasperatedly, rolling her eyes at him and walked towards the entrance without him. He followed her, trailing behind a bit, hands in his pockets. When there were only a couple of girls in line in front of them, she turned around and hissed at him.

"The posters said _formal. _Do you even know what that means?" she gave him another once over, playing the drama queen. Alex just grunted. "Hope they'll let you pass wearing this," she said pointedly, smiling back at the chaperone sweetly. The woman looked over at Alex and he recognized the 8th grade counselor. When he saw her sympathetic eyes, he turned away and flicked his tongue.

"Are we going in or what?" he ranted, pushing her a bit. Last thing he needed was that pathetic charity look he had gotten from all the grown-ups he had met all his life long_. So, what? He couldn't afford fancy clothes. He surely wasn't the only kid at the dance wearing jeans and a shirt. _Casey found her way through the crowd, directly heading towards her girlfriends, uncaring about her date who was already regretting even agreeing to come here. He lurked a few feet behind for a while before approaching her again, asking her if she wanted to have a drink. She gave him a dismissive grunt, all her girlfriends turning towards him, scrutinizing him. Alex rolled his eyes and went over to the stands to retrieve two cups of punch for them. When he came back, Casey snatched one out of his hands and sipped on it, still pouting.

"Are you gonna be mad at me all night or are we gonna have some fun?" Alex tried to stir her a bit when her girlfriends had gone out to the dance floor. She just shrugged her shoulders and steered ahead. Alex sighed. "Come on," he said, snaking his hands around her waist, trying to cheer her up a bit. "Let's make this night entertaining and get it over with soon, so we can dedicate ourselves with other stuff," he whispered, running his hand dangerously close to her bottom, pecking her upper arm, trying to match their eyes. Alex wasn't very good at this, he had never really tried to be… a boyfriend…even though he wasn't even sure that's what he was trying to be. He was very inexperienced. He could feel his nerves experience a little high when she didn't react momentarily, not knowing if he had made it better or worse. When she turned her head towards him, her face was stone-still. He smiled at her lightly, even though he was pretty pissed himself. He at least wanted to be rewarded for coming here tonight, whatever happened.

"Let's go dance," Casey decided without further ado and grabbed his hand, dragging him out to the dance floor. They stood opposite each other, Casey having put her hands on his shoulders while he was holding her sides awkwardly, swaying to the music. _Bo-ring. _But Alex gave her a smile, every time she looked up at him and even dared to pull her a little closer during the slower songs. She seemed happy. After a while, Casey decided she wanted to go have a drink. Alex brought one to her dutifully, sitting down next to her, putting his arm around her cautiously.

"So, how long do you think we have to stay?" Alex murmured towards her, already anticipating a fast move forward. Casey shot him an annoyed face.

"You really only think about one thing, huh?" she asked him, angrily.

"What? That was the deal, right? I come here and then we go _there,_ right?" Alex told her the facts, not seeing anything wrong with that. Casey rolled her eyes.

"You know what? I changed my mind. You go find someone else to go _there _with," she got up and stormed off, leaving a perplexed looking Alex sit with two cups of punch in the corner of the school's gym. _Great, that day couldn't have gone any better. _Alex got up and carelessly put Casey's cup down, spilling half of it, before moving towards the exit. The woman from before had gone somewhere else so it was an easy pass. He walked around the school premise for a while, not wanting to go home yet, his curfew still out. He sat down on the benches next to the outdoors basketball court and sipped his punch, brooding.

"Wanna make this more interesting?" Alex startled when he heard a female's voice whispering behind him. He yanked his head around to face a girl he had never seen before. She was older, though, maybe a sophomore, or even a junior in high school. She had dark long hair and was wearing a jeans skirt and a black top.

"Who are you?"

"Oh, I'm chaperoning. But it's boring in there. So, I thought, I'd make it a little more interesting… as said, if you want, you can join me," she smirked at him, getting a silver flask out of her oversized purse and pouring some clear liquid into her own punch. Once she was done, she looked over at him expectantly, and he nodded. Alex immediately took a big gulp of his punch, coughing wildly for he hadn't anticipated the clear liquid burning down his throat so strongly. The girl chuckled, stretching out her legs and sipping at the cup with relish. He gave her another once over before going back to leaning forwards, resting his elbows on his knees and brooding.

"So, did your _date_ ditch you or what?" the girl engaged him in some small talk. Alex just grunted, making her laugh. "Oh, young love," she cooed sarcastically, punching him lightly.

"Why are you chaperoning then? How old are you anyways?" Alex asked her dismissively.

"I'm 17. And my _mother _thinks she's such an important parent and my little sister _needs _to have cool parents who babysit 14 year olds on a night out, so she thought it'd be fun to make a family thing out of it," the girl explained cheerfully, immediately losing her fake face when she was done, rolling her eyes. Alex grinned. "So, you an 8th grader?" Alex nodded. There was a short silence in between them. "Wanna have some fun?" she asked him, raising one eyebrow, giving him a daring look. Alex hesitated. _Well, he did come here to have some fun, right? He never said it had to be explicitly Casey, right? _Alex wriggled his eyebrows, smirking, and shrugged his shoulders. "Good," she said, emptying her cup, Alex copying her. Before he had the chance to even put his cup down, he felt how the girl had put her hand on the inside of his thigh and he groaned, widening his eyes. "Oh, okay, so do you need me to baby you through this or are you gonna be okay by yourself?" she mocked him wickedly. Alex looked at her madly before realizing how much her unapproachable demeanor turned him on. It took one second and even though he had no idea what he was doing, he took the initiative.

Alex grabbed her hand and moved it over his parts before pulling her closer and kissing her. The girl smiled against his lips and sighed when he let his hands roam underneath her shirt. "I knew you weren't a beginner when I first saw you," she murmured against his lips, chuckling and moving over to straddle him. "I'd have mistaken you for a junior if it weren't for the unspiked punch you were carrying around," she said between exploring his mouth with her tongue and bothering herself with making him hot downstairs. Alex had reached her boobs and fumbled his right hand underneath her bra, flicking her nipple slightly, pulling them apart an inch, looking at her with determination.

"Just shut up, alright?" he told her, seeing the corners of her lips curl up before pulling her in again to kiss her madly.

A short while later, Alex panted heavily when he climbed from the girl, looking around for his boxers which turned out rather complicated, keeping in mind that they were occupying the backseat of the girl's car at the moment. When they had both clothed themselves properly, he smirked over at her, seeing her mirroring his expression.

"That was fun," he commented, getting out of the car, her following. She raised her eyebrows.

"Short," she said, making him roll his eyes, both laughing, "but fun, yeah," she gave him a half patronizing half entertaining gaze. "You'll need some practice but you definitely have a lot of potential," she told him matter-of-factly, laughing again. Before she could await a reaction, Alex had grabbed her hand, backing her against the car and rocking his hips against hers, making her feel just what she could have. She inhaled sharply, biting her lip before he kissed her seductively.

"Well, I'm always up for more practice," he whispered into her ear, making her close her eyes. Then she chuckled.

"As much as I'd love to," she said, sounding a lot more reasonable now, pushing him away. "I gotta go back in. You know… family trip and all," she rolled her eyes again, both laughing. They walked towards the entrance together, hovering awkwardly when they reached it. "So," she asked. "Are you coming in?" she pointed at the gym with her thumb.

"Nah," Alex decided. "It was a fun night but I think it's time to go home," he said, minding his curfew. She nodded, looking at him still finding him extremely handsome. Alex smirked. _He wasn't all that bad, huh? _

"Alright," she said. "See you around, I guess," she smiled at him before turning to leave.

"Hey," he called after her. "What's your name?"

She turned around chuckling. "Jen," she said, laughing. "What about you?"

"Alex," he chuckled, already taking a few steps away.

"Nice to meet you, Alex," Jen chuckled before waving to him and they both went their separate ways.

Alex smiled all the way home. The day had started out horribly. He had gotten into a fight at school and when he had come home, Ms. Morgan had informed him that they had granted their parents custody of him again. He was going home. He was supposed to be happier about it. However, after their last talk, he had really thought Ms. Morgan had understood that they all needed to move to a different home rather than their own. So, he was disappointed. And he dreaded going home. So, that night would have been the last night before going home again. Alex had tried to make the day better but at the group home, some stupid kid had barfed all over the dining room and his appetite had minimized to zero. After that he had genuinely tried to pick out what best to wear to the dance only for it to get trashed again by Casey. He had thought that his date with Casey would have saved the day. It hadn't. It had only made it worse. But then, luckily, he had met Jen, and now he was smiling all the way home. _Hey, he couldn't have been perfect, right? It had been his first time, granted. But hey, she sure hadn't sounded like he had done anything wrong. _Alex smirked. _Yes, some things he apparently was pretty good at. _

When he rang the bell to let him into the yard, he looked up towards the dark windows, instantly making out a pair of green eyes on the top floor. He sighed. _Of course she was watching him come home late at night. _He made a hand movement to shoo her from the window before the intercom buzzed and he walked in. Once he hit the mattress, it didn't take two seconds before he had closed his eyes and deep sleep engulfed him. _Finally, a little contentment. _

Alex' good mood held on for the best part of next day, even though he had to sit in with Ms. Morgan and their individual social worker Ms. Jolanders for hours it seemed, to finalize everything and go through all kinds of formalities again. He had done this so freaking many times, he didn't even think when he answered their questions. Ms. Morgan looked at him exasperatedly, and Alex knew exactly why. He was the reason she had to come in on a weekend. When they were all done, he went to have lunch in the dining room and packed his stuff – which wasn't all that much but still, he needed a while, dawdling before deciding to wait for his dad who was supposed to pick him up sometime in the afternoon outside in the yard. On his way out, he could already hear commotion coming from outside and he scrunched up his face from afar to make out what was going on. A bunch of kids had gathered way back at the fence bordering the field he had used to get some peace now and again, watching three kids tumbling around wildly, punching each other and yelling. Alex rolled his eyes when he passed Ms. Morgan's office for nobody had noticed what was going on. When he strolled closer, he could finally make out the individuals engaged in the fight. Alex groaned as he saw Jo jumping on one of the older boys' backs and biting down on his shoulder forcefully, making him yelp. The other guy had just picked up a pretty huge stick from the ground and was about to hit down on the obviously inferior girl, when Alex snatched it away from him and stared him down burningly, the boy immediately ducking away. Alex took one step towards the still struggling Jo who was clinging to Kevin's back, as he could make out now, a high school freshman that he knew from experience liked to provoke younger, smaller, inferior victims to fight with him. _Of course Jo had bit onto his bait. _

Alex took another step closer, grunting at Kevin to make himself heard who immediately gave him big eyes and stood still, Jo not realizing what had happened. He took one of his arms and slung it around Jo's waist, forcefully pulling her away from the perpetrator. In the seconds that followed, she yelled and kicked out in frustration, not meaning to let herself be dragged away from the fight, struggling against Alex' arm which was still wrapped tightly around her waist, carrying her away easily. Alex had put on a stoic face and ignored Jo's yells. When he had brought reasonable space between Jo and the guys, he put her down in the grass, staring at her.

"Who do you think you are?" Jo immediately spat out, her face angrier than he had ever seen it before.

"You need to quit causing scenes like that," he told her, rubbing his face before squatting down to look at her legs that were all busted and bloody. When he inspected the wounds, she winced.

"Don't bother, I didn't ask you for your help," she barked, pushing him away.

"I'm gonna go get you some disinfectant and gauze," Alex got up, looking at her sternly. "Stay, or else," he threatened her mockingly.

"I told you, I'm not scared of you," Jo replied, still breathing heavily.

"Good, you shouldn't be. But you should be scared of a lot of other people out there. For example the nurse who is an unbelievably bitchy person and will be ratting you out to Ms. Morgan instantly and you know how that ends most of the time…," he told her half exasperatedly, half understandingly. When Alex turned the corner, back with the gauze and the alcohol, he actually found himself surprised for Jo was still sitting there, waiting. He sat down in front of her, making her lay her leg out on the rocks. The mood in between them was tense. "Alright, this is gonna sting a bit," he told her, having done this a thousand times on his siblings and mom.

"Don't baby me," Jo shot back, wincing again for Alex had put the alcohol on her wound, trying to sterilize it, making her bite her lip. He looked up at her smirking.

"Oh, so, you're not invincible? Wouldn't have thought…," he mocked her heavily, Jo narrowing her eyes at him.

"I'm not scared of them," she argued again, sounding like she really did need to state that very fact numerous times. Of course, trying to tell that she _was_ invincible. _Well, if that's what helps you survive, so be it. _

"I know that, Jo," he told her, inhaling deeply, already exhausted of talking to her. "That doesn't mean you need to pick a fight every time they say a word in your direction," he pointed out to her weakly.

"If he wants to fight, I'm gonna fight him. He's wrong thinking that a girl can't hit just as hard," she told him.

"That's not something to be proud of, you know," Alex said again.

"As if you're not cut from the exact same cloth," Jo told him in annoyance, pointing at his knuckles. "If you wanna give me a pep talk about non-violent manners, you gotta clean your act beforehand. I'm not dumb, you know," she pouted. Alex sighed.

"True, I shouldn't let myself be provoked either. Difference is, Jo, I'm 14 and strong. You're 11 and well… you're tiny. They won't, because it's more fun for them than anything else, but if they had wanted to, they could have snapped you like a twig. _I_ could snap you like a twig if I wanted to," Alex tried to make her see.

"Do you wanna go find out?" Jo had put on her smug face once more while Alex wrapped the gauze around her shin. He sighed, rolling his eyes.

"You need to stop biting every chance you get, Jo. You need to stop punching every kid that crosses your way. You need to stop. It's not gonna get you anywhere. And you don't wanna stay here forever, right?" he tried to be reasonable for her. Again, he didn't really know the girl but she had sparked something within him and now he couldn't refrain from… looking after her. Or at least trying to do so.

"You need to stop believing that you need to protect me or something," Jo raised her eyebrows at him.

"Well, good for you, I'll not be here to protect you anymore, anyways," Alex informed her matter-of-factly, making the girl look up in surprise, seeming a bit like the air had been punched out of her systems. They matched eyes for a bit until Jo realized what she was giving away and turned her eyes down to the ground, chuckling in a fake joyful voice.

"Good for you. Did you finally find a family that wants to _love _you?"

"No. I'm going back with my parents and siblings," he told her soberly, still staring at her now turned down head. She looked up at him and for a moment he thought he could read compassion in her eyes. _What was it lately with all those snaplike moments in which Alex imagined people care so much?_ Jo nodded curtly, her lips a thin, white line. They sat in silence for a while, Alex finishing with Jo's wounds and putting the remaining gauze aside, staying in the position he was, squatting in front of her.

"Look, Jo," Alex sighed after a while, Jo's eyes finding her way towards his again. "I don't wanna sound like the reasonable big brother who has had it all. I really don't. I don't wanna give you pep talks or care for that matter. I believe you got it together pretty good and I know you can fight for yourself and survive. I know that. You are tough. I appreciate that. But let me tell you this," Alex pushed himself back up, making her look at him in confusion. "We've arrived in 1994 and as dumb as it sounds but they have now invented something that's called oppositional defiant disorder. They label everything now. A little bit of angry, a little bit of moody, not befriending anyone, not talking to anyone – generally, antisocial behavior. And there's not only that, there's conduct disorder, there's antisocial personality disorder… there's a whole lot you can get classified with. You know Ms. Morgan, she's not gonna be the one letting you act up with her. Sooner or later she's gonna have you diagnosed – and trust me, they are gonna _diagnose _you no matter what; I mean, did you know they had almost diagnosed my brother as developmentally challenged? – so, I'm just saying, once they diagnose you, they're gonna put you in a residential treatment center and once you are in there, you are going to be locked up, and there won't be anything left for you. No long walks, no climbing trees, no irritating other kids, no nothing. And once you're eighteen, they won't just free you or something, no, they're gonna run tests on you again and again and they're gonna keep you there until you can make them believe that you are well and capable of caring for yourself. And trust me, once you're in there, achieving t_hat, _making them believe that you're actually good, that you can live without the pills and the carers, that's gonna be the achievement of your life," Alex rambled on, Jo following his every word closely. "So, no, I don't wanna protect you. I just wanted you to be aware of what consequences your acting out will have. And also, you need to know that it's not a bouncing between group homes and foster homes and the slight chance of adoptive homes eventually… it's a lot more than that. And I'd rather go to juvie than to an RTC. I'm serious," he ended his sermon, already walking away slowly.

"Where are you going?" Jo called after him, still a little dazed and confused from what all Alex had told her a minute ago. She didn't know what to think. He looked back at her, smiling about her face, pointing towards the yard door.

"That's my dad. He's here to pick me up," he told her nonchalantly. She nodded curtly, matching eyes with him. "Keep out of trouble, alright?" he winked at her cheekily. Jo smiled back before chuckling.

"Yeah, yeah, go play house with your family," she countered, balancing on the very fine line between making a good joke and going too far, hurting someone with her words. "I'll be waiting for you to come back and join me at the stream," she whispered after him hesitantly, surprised about him having heard every word. He turned his head back to hers one more time, looking at her straightforwardly. Then he smiled and nodded in agreement.

"Be prepared for three instead of one Karev annoying you, then," Alex smiled, hoping so badly that that would be the case for them. Jo chuckled, already getting up and running over towards the fence, vanishing through the hole towards the woods. Alex turned back to look at his dad who smirked at him before rumpling up his hair.

"You ready to go home, buddy?" Jimmy asked him seeming to be sporting an extra good mood that day. Alex nodded, reaching for his bag and throwing it on the backseat of the car, getting in the passenger seat. When Jimmy kicked on the engine and they slowly moved passed the premise, he looked back and saw Ms. Morgan stand on the top of the front steps with crossed arms, watching him go – and for a minute Alex actually thought he could read grief off of her face.


	5. Decisions

**Part II**

**LET ME TELL YOU A STORY ABOUT A BOY MEETING A PAIR OF BOOBS**

* * *

[October 1997]

_Alright, you can do this, man. _Alex told himself while he was squatting in basic position, staring at his opponent, waiting for the start signal. _It's only one more period and then you've won. Again. You're good at this, remember. Just don't lash out. Channel your emotions into the completely safe and legit wrestling moves you know so well._ He could feel his frustrations boiling up once more, trying to blank out the scenes before his eyes unsuccessfully.

* * *

_"__Come here you little piece of shit," Jimmy yelled. He was high again. _Of course_. Alex grunted, walking over towards his dad. There were two different demeanors his dad showed when he was high and angry. The one could be ignored easily. The other one was dangerous and you better did what he told you if you wanted to walk out alive. _

_"__What?" Alex barked towards his dad who could barely hold himself to the kitchen counter. _

_"__Where's your mother?"_

_"__I don't know," Alex shrugged, trying to walk away again but his dad had grabbed his arm forcefully pulling him back, making his head bounce against the kitchen wall. Alex held himself to the pillar, blinking a couple of times, seeing stars. _

_"__DON'T LIE TO ME, YOU FUCKING BASTARD," his dad yelled, spit spreading all over the place. "You know exactly where that slut has gone," he accused him. _Yes, he did know where his mother and sister were. He wasn't gonna say anything, though. _"Don't you lie to me. I'm gonna find her, anyways, trust me. It'll just make_ your _life a lot easier if you tell me NOW,_"_ Alex' dad worked himself into a rage. _

_"__Look, man, I don't know where they are. I just came home myself," Alex tried to tell him. _

_"__That's a load of crap!" Jimmy yelled, backing Alex up against the wall, resting his elbow at his eldest son's throat threateningly. "Tell me where they are, or else," he told him madly. Alex saw in the corner of his eye how Aaron stood in the corner, squatting and hiding. _Fourteen years old and still scared. _Alex bit his lips, closing his eyes, trying to blank out the unbelievable smell of alcohol and cigarettes on his dad's breath and the sweat and dirt in his hair, on his clothes, everywhere. He watched as Aaron slowly creeped closer from behind, getting Jimmy's guitar out of its box and trying to crash it onto his dad's back. Alex' eyes widened. _

_"__NO, Aaron," he yelled frantically, barely being able to breathe but he knew better than to touch their father's guitar. Jimmy yanked around and started yelling and groaning when he saw what Aaron was about to do and let Alex loose to go after Aaron. Alex tried to breathe deeply before running after his dad who was overpowering Aaron now, huddled in the corner. Alex took a blind punch at his father's side of the face, making him sway. While he was still falling, he punched back at Alex, pulling him down with him. They wrestled for a while, Alex tasting the rusty flavor of his own blood in his mouth until he could eventually hear his fingers crack and yelped from the sharp burn of the fracture. Meanwhile, he had heard his mom and sister come running into the living room, both instantly starting to cry. Alex closed his eyes for a second, knowing that that was a deadly mistake but he needed to fight with balance and pains. He looked for the whereabouts of his dad and kicked him into his guts badly. Alex ushered his siblings and mom out on the patio, barely able to hold himself on his feet, running upstairs in a hurry and packing a variety of clothes and stuff to take with them. _They could come back later to get what they really needed. _He rushed downstairs, bouncing back from one wall to the other, finding his dad still lying on the floor in pain, closing the door behind him passionately. _

_"__Let's go," he instructed his family all looking up at him in fear. _Fuck, what were they gonna do?

* * *

It had been three months since he had last seen his dad. After they had had their encounter, Alex had brought his family to stay with a nearby neighbor that he was sure his dad didn't know about. The woman had let them stay for a couple of nights before Alex had gone back to their house, evaluating the state of things. Except for the bills that were piling up in their mailbox, nothing seemed to have been touched. His dad appeared to have vanished. Alex had come back every day for an entire week finding the house empty before deciding it was halfway safe moving back into it again. Since then, he had been caring for his mother who had not recovered from the incidents all over the summer, which had escalated to such an extent that she hadn't been able to cope without her meds anymore. He had spent all his money to send Amber out to camp to spare her from everything that was going on and his brother had succumbed to hide somewhere around the house all those months.

Alex had taken the time he had off from school to work a dayjob at the crappiest store in town, stowing away supplies, and a nightjob, bartending at an even crappier location. Granted, he hadn't even turned 18 yet, though the owner, a yellow-bearded, disgusting old drunk, didn't care one bit. Didn't ask questions, didn't criticize how Alex often grunted at the customers and never once showed anyone a smile. He really only did it for the money, all of it, he didn't care for work credit or recommendation letters or people thinking of him having good work ethics. The only time he was fucking suck-up friendly was when he would mow the lawns in the wealthier neighborhoods of Des Moines. When he had walked from door to door and had asked if anybody needed a hand with helping out in their yards, he had planned that strategically, ringing the bells at houses where he knew only desperate housewives were in, having watched them and their _daily routines _for a while, as creepy and boring as that sounded. He was desperate, no doubt about it. He also knew, most of those women had people employed doing their yards. But there was one thing most of those people were so easy to tempt with. A gorgeous almost 18 year old - or young - body, sweating in the sun, showing off his rock hard chest and biceps, mowing the grass diligently, flashing an almost impossible to resist toothy smile in passing, sometimes going even as far as risking a wink at them on his way out as they were sipping their Martinis and Hawaiians and Cosmopolitans on their loungers on the back porch, ensuring big, fat tips, that again, he used to pay the bills with that seeminly kept on streaming in and just piled higher and higher back at his own house. All of Alex' efforts really were for nothing when at some point in late September they cut the phone lines and power at their house. _And how was one grantedly clever and hardworking but still only 17 year old boy deal with that kind of crap? _

The only thing he did know was to buy food for his family every day after school and serve it to them, never much gaining anything for himself. When school had started again, Adam would realize and bring lunch for him... however, taking food from his friend... even though he was his best friend and had been since kindergarten... it sucked. It hurt his pride. It just... plain hurt. Adam would have never said a word about it but at some point, Alex just couldn't even stand looking at Adam anymore. Only good thing about it was, Adam didn't care. He would show up every day without a miss, ignoring Alex' moods, ignoring Alex' silent cries to just leave him be, and walk along with him. On his worst day, Alex went to go have his blood drawn. Of course, he was too young for that as well. _Praise the lord for fake IDs. _And as much as he so wanted to go there and just believe that he did it for all the people out there that were having even bigger troubles than him, that were experiencing near deaths and only survived on his blood, he really only did it because they would shove food down his throat afterwards. On days like these, Alex liked to pretend that all he was doing was actually part of a really crappy sappy hollywood movie some chick made him watch to later let him have some._  
_

Now, he was still squatting opposite his wrestling opponent, waiting for the start signal, but his head was somewhere quite different. _It was time. It was time for his mom to go into treatment. _Alex had been quietly taking her moods and had cared for her since his dad had vanished but he couldn't take it anymore. His mom was sick. She needed to be treated properly. And as much as he wanted to, he was hitting a dead end with caring for his siblings as well. They needed someone else. They needed a grown up. They'd lived in constant fear of their dad coming back or their mom swallowing one too many pills. It was time for Alex to realize that he couldn't do it all. He couldn't help them anymore. Alex sighed, and at that very moment, he heard the start signal. _Great. _Alex hadn't been ready and his opponent took him down easily. When he waited out the three seconds to be released again, he closed his eyes, trying to gulp down the pain of his still sore fingers. He already heard his coach rant from afar.

"Karev," said one barked at him, once he got up and meant to exit towards the showers. Alex just grunted, not in the mood for a pep talk. "Alex, come here," the coach took both his shoulders, trying to talk to him. "That was crap, and you know it," he told him before looking at his face and softening his features. "Alex, you're better than that. Wrestling season starts in less than four weeks. This is your last year in varsity, son. We all know you have a shot at receiving a wrestling scholarship. You need to buck up. This is not how you're gonna get there. The scouts that were impressed with you last year won't like your athletic standstill," the coach talked onto him restlessly. Alex nodded, trying to pass him. "And Karev," he called after him, giving up for the day. "Have those fingers looked at. You know as well as me you can't go into finals with those fractures, wherever the hell you may have gotten them," he told him knowingly. Alex walked out and straight into the shower. The running water on his skin soothed him somewhat. He really did need to get the fingers looked at. He shouldn't have let it go on that long. He had never once talked about his future plans to anyone. But he really needed his hands to function seamlessly. And that was not happening with two broken bones. And his coach was right, there was no going into finals with those fingers, subsequently no college scholarship for him. Alex decided the fingers would be the first thing done after he had taken care of everything else. _Everything else. _He sighed. _How was he gonna explain to Amber and Aaron what he was about to do?_

"Hey, Karev," one of Alex' senior buddies at his school jumped down from one of the locker room benches and clung to his back. Alex' hand snatched up and loosened his friend's grip easily, making him chuckle. "You done with practice?"

"Yeah," he just replied, tired from the day, and even more tired from the thought of going home and what'd await him there.

"You wanna go check out the new volleyball hotties? Apparently there's two that transferred over from East," Adam Blittwick rambled on. Alex just grunted. As much fun as that sounded, he really didn't have the nerve to do that today. They walked out of their locker rooms towards the exit to the sporting fields where Alex had locked his bike to the stands. His eyes wandered over towards the field where he spotted the girls' volleyball practice. _It did look like there was fresh meat out there. _Alex thought about it for a minute before throwing away reason.

"Well, what the hell, let's go. It's not like it's gonna make any difference if I come home late again tonight," he decided, immediately feeling Adam's hand clapping his shoulder and when he looked over, they shared a knowing grin. _Ugh, watching the girls flex and bend into all kinds of ridiculously hot positions. So much fun. _When they had strolled over towards the stands, they could make out Travis and Bryan already cheering for the girls, lots of them enjoying the attention while a few of them seemed more annoyed than anything else. The coach rolled her eyes at seeing a couple of more viewers joining in.

"Ah, what a sight, aren't they?" Travis leant back in pleasure, stretching out his arms mockingly content and smiling. "Just look at them. Those behinds… ugghhh, I'm in seventh heaven here," he said, making all of them chuckle. "And just watch those fresh boobies bounce happily up and down... I tell you, guys, they're doing it on purpose. They wanna drive me insane," he almost drooled over the benches. All the seniors watched until the training was over, immediately jumping up and trying to mingle with the girls on their way over to the showers. Alex trailed behind a bit since he really wasn't in the mood.

"I'm gonna go find out about the new girl," Adam whispered at him excitedly, skipping a few feet ahead to an approximately 16 year old girl - judging by her ass - that was walking with Sara, a sophomore Alex had once made out with. Since he hadn't parted all that well with the girl, Alex stayed behind and watched.

"Yeah, she's _hot_," he mumbled to himself, a little too loudly he thought when Adam turned around and winked at him with a chuckle. Alex looked her over. He had never seen her before, at least not from behind, and he couldn't think of anyone that'd look like that. So, she had to be a freshman or a sophomore. Her hair was dark brown and tied back into a pretty long, wavy ponytail. She was probably a head shorter than him and her curves… oh God, her curves. _When did 16 year olds start having such curves? _Alex pondered. Well, maybe she was indeed older already and just transferred from another school. And she looked very fit, very well shaped. She looked tanned and her skin seemed smooth. _Ugh, what would I give for a quick shower with that hottie? And he hadn't even seen her face yet… _Alex watched as Adam inched closer and started talking to the brunette. Since he wasn't that far apart, maybe ten feet, he could listen in to every word. _Smooth buddy, _was all Alex could think with the progress of Adam's conversation.

"Hi, I'm Adam," his friend introduced himself, holding out his hand.

"Get lost, Adam," Sara immediately told him, trying to fend off the new girl's admirer. "And take Karev with you, it's creepy how he watches us from back there," she commented, turning her face an inch, glaring at him playfully. Alex just smirked. The other one kept walking straight ahead, not having reacted to anything much.

"I think your new friend here actually wants to get to know me, she's just smiling her beautiful smile and not complaining," Adam piled on, making Alex roll his eyes. "You should try that sometime, Sara. That bitchy face doesn't suit you well," he said, earning a slap on the back of his head. "So, what's your name?" he tried again.

"Wouldn't you like to know," the girl gave back immediately, her voice a mysterious whisper, chuckling and from what Alex could make out she was wriggling her eyebrows at Adam.

"Ohhh, playing hard to get, interesting," he replied. "Gotta put my racing shoes on, then, I'm not planning to give up on such beauty," Adam fawned.

"You know, all that crap really doesn't benefit my attraction for you," the girl countered, pointing him out with her finger. Alex laughed. She sure was decently funny. He liked sarcasm. And a healthy opinion, not becoming bitchy with everything one said.

"Ouch, again. So, you're a… sophomore here?"

"Freshman," she answered dutifully. Adam nodded.

"New in town? I can't believe I could have overlooked you for two months…," he smarmed on.

"Wow, you really _are_ embarrassing," Sara interjected quickly. "Alex, please make him leave us alone," she turned around, begging him now. _Uh, yeah. They always came crawling back sooner or later, no matter how bitchy they turned out at their last encounter._ Alex just shrugged his shoulders in innocence, making her grumble.

"So, are you?"

"I transferred from East," the new girl gave back. They had reached the girls' locker rooms, halting because there was a crowd of their team members trying to channel in.

"I hear that's a nice school," he commented, trying to coax more out of her.

"Wouldn't know much about it. I only started it two months ago," she waved it away with her hands before taking a sip of her water.

"Oh, yeah, true. Sorry," Adam scratched his head in embarrassment. Alex had to laugh. Adam was a goof, anytime, anywhere and with anyone. That's what Alex liked about him. With all the brooding that was going on around himself, he appreciated Adam's light-hearted maxim. However, today even Adam seemed to have reached the end of his ideas to get into the girl's good graces. The girl was nice and all, not even bitchy, not even dismissive. She was just… unapproachable. But not in the negative way. She was just… Alex didn't know if even _he_ could persuade her to talk to him. And by this time, he had definitely mastered the art of talking women. Alex looked up again, standing a few feet away waiting for Adam to give up already, when the girls had finally reached the door and Adam tried one last question with her. "So, did your parents move here from out of town, or what?"

Alex startled visibly when the girl finally turned around and looked at Adam, smiling widely at him. Her beauty really took his breath away. And she was only 15. Or 14_? How old are you in freshmen year again_? Even though her face was slightly red and sweaty from the training, her features were soft and defined, and her eyes were… Alex gulped.

"Something like that, yeah," she said smirking, turning her head towards Alex eventually, matching eyes with him. Alex froze. _No, absolutely impossible. Nope, not happening. This was not… this was… oh my God, he had just fantasized about the _Wilson kid_. The tiny girl. The wild one. The little annoying screech. The one that picked fights and… for God's sake, he had just admired a little girl's ass. But she wasn't a little girl anymore… _Alex' eyes instantly grazed her boobs. _Oh my fucking Lord. This is too much. I wanna go barf. Just take your eyes off, man. She's so freaking hot and I will never be able to touch her. And I will never be able to forgive myself for thinking about her that way... _Jo kept smiling at him, realizing how Alex had stopped moving and breathing. Adam and Sara's looks flitted in between them, trying to make out what was going on. He couldn't believe that he hadn't even recognized her voice. _Well, first of all, he hadn't even heard it that often, right? And second of all… she had aged. Her voice didn't sound like the mousy squeal anymore that it once had been. How long has it been? _Jo bit her lip lightly, before holding out the door for Sara, not having torn away her gaze.

"It's really good to see you, Alex," Jo said before turning around and walking into the locker rooms, a completely confused Sara following behind. Adam just stood, staring at Alex in shock. When Alex didn't waiver his gaze from the now closed locker room door, Adam moved in front of him, waving his arms ridiculously.

"Earth to jackass," Adam yelled. "What the hell was that?" Alex looked up at Adam, still in a daze.

"I don't know. I really don't know," Alex replied. "I gotta go, though," he said, remembering a promise he had once made. "I need to fix some things," he elaborated before running over towards his bike, unlocking it and racing off towards his house, having made a decision that he would never in his life come to regret. _And those were rare._


	6. (Too) Close

[November 1997]

Alex marched himself straight through the waist high grass, cursing for his bandages were getting all wet from the frost-covered leaves that had already started building at this time of the year in Iowa. He felt how his eyes were almost dropping due to fatigue. He hadn't slept in 49 hours and he was still trying to keep himself up. It was Friday, though, so he anticipated sleeping all weekend through. He tried to gulp down the big lump in his throat that had formed about three weeks earlier, and hadn't subsided yet. The last weeks had been hell. Hell for his mother. Hell for his siblings. Hell for him. But he had to do it. There wasn't another way. He couldn't have risked something else happening to his family. He just… he couldn't cope with the responsibility anymore. He just wanted to go to bed, sleep without having any dreams and wake up with everything gone and everyone happy. He wished for it so much, his insides actually hurt. He chuckled humorlessly, comparing the hurt inside him with the pains he had felt when they had re-broken his fingers due to them healing wrongly. It was nothing. No punch, no strangling, no fracture hurt as much as he hurt for his family. He just wanted to go to bed. However, momentarily he was heading straightforwardly, targeting a very familiar but sorely missed spot to him. He slowed a bit when he spotted from afar who he had been looking for all day since they had moved back into the group home, feeling a smile creep onto his face. _Cut it out. _

Alex inhaled deeply before creeping closer and finally seating himself on a big rock that he remembered being much bigger. _Well, he had to have grown as well during the three and a half years he hadn't resided here, right? _When he shuffled his feet and the grass around the rock rustled, the girl he had been watching looked over her shoulder, smiling, and he could read off of her face that she had heard him all along. She was wearing tight black joggers and a purple hoodie, her hair falling down her back in waves, messily. She only glanced at him slightly before she turned back towards the stream, watching its steady flow, pulling up her knees and hugging them, for it was getting pretty cold at night at this time of the year. Alex looked at her back for a while, contemplating if or what to talk. Weirdly, he couldn't think of anything too specific to tell her or talk to her about even if he had particularly sought out _her _company but even sitting here besides her made him feel... better somehow. _Whatever that was about. _After a moment, though, Jo turned back towards him, glimmering her deep, slightly honey colored eyes that evening at him, her lips tugging up again.

"Don't you have a home?" she asked him playfully, biting down on her lower lip, awaiting a reaction. _She indeed had grown out of that girl she had once been. She seemed genuinely better with her situation than she had before. She seemed to be okay. _Alex looked at her for a moment, their eyes still deadly locked onto each other, both searching for information. Then he smiled and closed his eyes, letting out a chuckle. When he looked back up at her, she was beaming even wider.

"I told you I'd be back. I told you we'd all be back," Alex pointed out to her with a sober smile. Their eyes talked novels he felt. It was freakish. Jo stared back at him, completely comfortable with the silence and the space parting them a bit, but still feeling closer to any person she had been in a long time. She nodded understandingly.

"So you did," she stated after a while. They both turned back towards the stream, enjoying the quiet and peacefulness that engulfed them.

"Hey, so, I got new statistics for you," Alex spoke up tentatively after approximately ten minutes. Jo turned back with raised eyebrows, looking at him in positive surprise, her eyes sparkling. "What? So, I remember some things that used to be fun….," he defended himself, raising his hands. She chuckled and motioned for him to go on. "I read a piece that said that – and now listen to this: _only _- about 7% of all foster kids stay in state care for five years and longer. Maybe, _that's _finally the group we can assign ourselves to," he suggested, smiling cautiously, not really knowing if it was okay to joke about it. Jo looked at him pensively before averting her gaze. Alex sighed. He was just about to apologize, when she spoke up.

"Well, apparently _available to be adopted _doesn't mean _good enough to be adopted. _But you know, screw it. Those fancy pants rich kids, all priding themselves with having _parents_, a home, pffft, couldn't care less. I mean I got a dormitory full of whiny under ten year olds and slimy oatmeal for breakfast every day a_nd _my _very own _social worker who cares _sooo freaking much _about me…, I really gotta say… that's worth it," Jo nodded heavily, tugging the corners of her lips down to not burst with laughter and looking at him burningly. She winked at him, chuckling, before turning away.

"You really _have_ changed," Alex observed her genuinely rather calm and relaxed seeming demeanor meticulously, making her look back at him again.

"You mean my boobs?" Jo came back instantly, smirking at his blush creeping over him.

"No," he defended himself aggressively, making her laugh even more.

"It's okay, I get those looks a lot. I'm not a little girl anymore, I know that," she shrugged, smiling amicably. Alex hesitated.

"Yeah, where in the world did you leave that annoying, pouty little girl that I expected to jump my back first thing when I walked in here?" Alex questioned her. Jo giggled.

"She's gone. She decided that the wild days were over. And at some point I just got too heavy to heave myself onto the tree branches," she winked at him, making him laugh.

"I don't believe that for a second," he countered.

"Well, and once you had left, there wasn't any interesting gossip going around anymore… no more scandalous conference calls with Ms. Morgan… no more bitchfighting in the dorms about you…," Jo listed, ponderingly.

"There was bitchfighting in the dorms about me?" Alex immediately spoke up.

"Yeah, I should have known that's the only thing that you're gonna hear out of that list," she told him dismissively. Alex rolled his eyes. _Well, she was a 14 year old girl indeed. _Suddenly, Jo got up and stretched out her legs, bending down to touch the muddy ground with her fingertips, Alex trying to not look at her behind while doing so, knowing with her quick wits and gifted observance she would cop him out immediately. When she stretched back up, she turned around and nodded her head over to his bandages. "Who did you beat up now?" she asked him with an exasperated face. Alex kept their matching eyes steady, his face petrified.

"My dad," he replied emotionally void. Jo's face didn't move an inch, no surprise, no sympathy, no fear, no anything. He appreciated that.

"Was it worth it?" she inquired further, looking at the bandage and then back up at his face. Alex chuckled before shrugging.

"You are still pretty screwed up, you know that, right?" he told her joyfully. She gave him back a small smile, but put on her serious face instantly again, making him shut up as well. He inhaled deeply before trying to shape the words. "I probably screwed up my future but it'll always be worth it if my family is safer because of it," he decided to tell her, immediately asking himself where that had come from. First of all, he hadn't even thought about that until now. Second of all, he had never once talked about that kind of stuff with anyone. Any-freaking-one. _What the hell did she do to him? _Jo nodded.

"Are you talking about your wrestling?" she asked, seemingly interested. Alex hesitated before answering. _Had she been informing herself about him at school? _He tried to hide a knowing smile.

"Yeah," he said eventually. "Yeah, that's what I'm talking about," he nodded at her, feeling how he had given away more than enough for that night. Jo's face hardened slightly, he could see it immediately, but accepted him pulling back and nodded.

"You know, talking about 7%... I read the other day…," Jo started, making him laugh and shake his head about their silly back and forth. "That a male high school wrestler needs medical proof of at least 7% body fat before he can wrestle in a league," she told him like a know-it-all.

"You don't say?" Alex shot back mockingly.

"Yeah," she faked an unbelieving look. "But look at you, you must have a lot more than 7% body fat on you," she pointed her finger up and down, scrutinizing him mockingly, trying to keep her laughter in.

"Shut up, that's all muscle, baby, all muscle," he got up, taking a few steps closer, flexing his muscles for her, holding them out under her nose, making her chuckle and screech. "Wanna try?"

"Oh, get away from me," Jo laughed, and slapped his chest with her hands, shooing him away. They enjoyed the silly banter and light-hearted mood. It was good to find someone to be fooling around with when the remainder of one's life was so depressing. "No, but seriously, Alex," Jo looked over at him now. "You're kinda skinny," she told him, furrowing her brows.

"What?" he scrunched up his face at her, shaking his head. "You just said I was too fat. You girls can't be satisfied, huh? Now I'm too skinny? I'm fine the way I am. I went to the doctor's and guess what? I have 7,3% body fat. And I'm well trained, so what? Not everybody can carry around a big fat belly he or she nurtured in one of those fancy pants mansions out in the suburbs," Alex ranted a little too defensively.

"Oh, don't act like they don't feed you here. They feed you just fine," she scolded him.

"I've only been back since today, though," he murmured almost imperceptibly. Jo heard him just fine, though, gulping for she actually was right in thinking he had lost weight but not because of the reason she had thought but because of something much more serious.

"So, I don't have to worry about you losing weight to wrestle against lighter and easier opponents?" she tried to lighten the mood and overshadow their slight low a second ago. "I read about that, too…. Freaky stuff going on in the athletics," she nodded heavily, wide-eyed. Alex looked at her, succumbing to chuckles.

"No," he shook his head with laughter. "No, you don't have to worry about that," he scrunched up his eyes at her and hesitated. "You don't have to worry about me at all, for that matter," his laughter died a bit at that and they looked at each other weirdly, feeling how tension slowly creeped between them. _Why the hell were they talking to each other and about each other like that?!_ Fortunately, their moment was interrupted by a squealing ten year old jumping onto Alex' back, startling both heavily. "Dude," Alex spat out, taking a deep breath. "Don't do that, you scared me," he grabbed the arms of his little sister with one hand, holding her up tightly, sneaking his other hand towards his back where her tummy was and tickled her, making her scream and laugh. Jo got infected.

"So, you already found a replacement for 10 year old jumping, screaming me?" she asked him wide-eyed. He laughed.

"That's my sister, Amber," he pointed his thumb at her, Jo nodding in surprise, finally making out the similarities between them.

"Hi Amber," she said, moving closer to shake her hand ceremoniously. "My name is Jo," she introduced herself.

"Hi Jo," Amber answered happily, jumping down from her brother's back and running down towards the stream.

"Be careful, baby girl, it's cold and the current is pretty strong," his protective instincts instantly rushed over him. Jo snorted.

"She's old enough. Let her live a little," Jo jabbed his shoulder lightly, smirking.

"She's ten and if I had let her live a little the last couple of years, there would be no more live a little," he told her sternly, literally taking back a step when he realized he was getting agitated again and giving away details he had never planned on telling anyone. Jo's head inched a little to her left, her eyes talking of understanding and also a tiny bit of impatience.

"You're here now, though, right? She's fine, now. Don't fuss, it doesn't suit you," she waved him away gruffly, for that was the only way she knew to function. And Alex appreciated that. _There were so many things he suddenly appreciated about her. Ugh. What the fuck. _They watched Amber for a bit before they heard more rustling and finally could make out Aaron making his way over towards them slowly, looking up at them shyly. Jo immediately smiled widely, infecting Aaron.

"Aaron," she yelled out joyfully, dancing on the spot, clapping her hands like a little kid. Alex scrunched up his face, smiling quizzically, in confusion about her silly behavior. _Yeah, he had almost forgotten that she was indeed a teenage girl. _He watched as Aaron timidly walked over towards Jo, awkwardly trying to greet his former school mate. Jo didn't seem to care and threw her arms around Aaron, hugging him tightly, a huge grin still plastered on her face. After the initial surprise moment, Aaron hugged her back gladly. Alex put his hands into his pocket and inhaled deeply, feeling like an awkward bystander, turning his face to the ground, taking a few steps backwards. Jo opened her eyes at the bustling movements, still hugging Aaron, and frowned at Alex' sudden weird behavior. She tried to match eyes with him but he had already turned away and moved to play with Amber for a bit. He could make out the soft voices of Jo and Aaron small talking before they came a little closer and both sat down on the rock that Jo had been occupying before, only feet away from Alex and Amber who were dapping pebbles into the water, trying for them to hop, Amber scooting around excitedly, cheering with every new try.

"How did you find us?" Alex spoke up again after a short pause, not looking back but obviously directing his question towards Aaron.

"Amber," Aaron pointed towards the little girl with his chin. Alex smiled down at the little rascal, rumpling her hair, making her grin at him widely.

"Of course you knew," he petted her head lightly before bending down and kissing her cheek. "Nothing stays hidden from you, does it?" The little girl shook her head at him wildly and Jo had to smile. Alex really did have a lot of faces. When Jo took a deep breath, still observing them, Alex automatically turned around to look at her, instantly feeling sheepish about her movements guiding him. He balled his unharmed fist to get a grip on his anger issues. _Why did he all of a sudden harbor weird friendly feelings towards a girl that he, okay, had known as a little girl, but then only met again once after three years and today for the first time in ages? Yes, she did know a lot of his past, as he did with hers, but really only because they had both been listening in on whatever Ms. Morgan had to say about them. That didn't mean they had… a bond or crap like that. The thing was... it really wasn't only about finding her hot... which was... well, he really had to try to not think about it... just pretend she's still that little girl... back when she had her hair in a braid instead of showing off her gorgeous waves now... how she was all flat and well... 10 years old instead of... ugh, stop thinking about her body. So, yes, she was hot, but then she was... kinda..._ Alex didn't know what it was. And it irked him. _She was just... really good to talk to. That didn't mean they had a bond or anything. _Right?_ But why did everything and anything make him so, so angry lately? _Alex picked up another pebble from the ground and tossed it in a little more forcefully, making them all go quiet, Amber looking up at him in fear, biting her lip. He immediately regretted acting out the tiniest bit, having disregarded who was with him. He closed his eyes and exhaled slowly, squeezing Amber's back. "I'm sorry, baby girl, I didn't mean to scare you," he told her quietly. "Speaking of which, we should really get going, it's probably already dinner time and we'll need to get you your meds beforehand, right?" Alex took up his sweet voice again and smiled down at her lovingly. Amber smiled, already having forgotten about the moment before, getting up.

"Aaron, race me up?" she tagged her other brother lightly, earning a smile from him and when he had jumped up they both started running and Alex and Jo could make out her squeals, running through the dark and damp bushes, making them both smile. Alex got up slowly, passing Jo who tried to match their eyes but he averted them, walking up in a steady speed. He heard her get up and bustling after him, walking a step behind him for a while, not saying anything. Alex tried to focus on the lights ahead. He could feel the anger washing up again, the anger and terror and fear from the last several months that he had tried to gulp down so neatly. Something about her made him lose his cool. And then showing a part of his insides to his siblings, especially his younger sister, who had definitely seen enough in her young life and was probably scared beyond belief that Alex would turn out like their father. He already hated himself again. He clenched his teeth and he winced when he forgot for a second that he probably shouldn't ball up his right hand, needing the fractures to heal properly for once.

"Alex," Jo whispered at the very same moment, grabbing onto his sweater lightly, trying to catch his eyes. He sighed. _What the hell? This was too freaky. How had she realized he was struggling with himself momentarily?_

"What?" he turned around sharply to bark at her. Jo stepped back an inch, letting go of his sweater slowly and raising her hands in an appeasing motion.

"Whoa, whoa, Alex," she looked at him cautiously. He looked at her with a burning gaze for another minute, not knowing what to do with himself with all that rage going on, before turning back and walking on, a little faster now. He could make out how she tried to keep up again after their brief encounter, both rushing up the small hill, tearing through the grass that kept wetting their shoes and pants, steering straight ahead. Once they had reached the fence and walked over to where they knew their exit was, he felt her grab for his elbow again, making him stop. He turned around to look at her with a mad face, feeling nothing but annoyance. He watched her lean her head over to the side for a minute, trying to size up his emotions before she matched their eyes, following his head with hers when he tried to avert his eyes, still holding on to his elbow tightly. "Alex," she said again, making him shift uncomfortably.

"What?" he yelled back at her, on the verge of breaking from the crapstorm inside of him. She sighed quietly before stepping in front of him.

"It's over now," Jo told him in a steady voice. "Everyone's going to be fine. Amber's going to be fine, Aaron's going to be fine and you are going to be just fine," she told him like a mantra, her eyes wide and her gaze piercing. He had wanted to snark at her and snort, however, upon seeing those big green eyes, he lost himself in them and for a few moments, he forgot everything around him, everything that made him so mad, so tense. He snapped back into reality when she nodded at him, awaiting a reaction. When he didn't say anything, she took a step closer and put her arms around his neck, trying to hug him.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?" Alex spat out at her in confusion and feeling the anger rise again, pushing her away, holding her at arm's length. Jo closed her eyes and shook her head.

"I promise I'm not gonna tell anyone," she said, making his eyes bulge.

"I _don't_ know what you are talking about," he gave her back dismissively and tried to get rid of her but she was holding onto his arms and she was strong, too, which he hadn't anticipated. "Let me go," he hissed, looking around for watching eyes, seeing nobody and his eyes flitted over towards the building and saw every window illuminated.

"When was the last time you let somebody hug you?" Jo asked him, her eyes still scrutinizing his face.

"Ugh, just leave me alone, will you? I was wrong, you are still the most annoying girl I've ever known," he told her, trying to offend now. She wouldn't have it though, only chuckling at his exclamation humorlessly.

"You can't hurt me with your words, we don't like each other, remember? And we're not scared of each other. So, just, stay still and let me hug you," she said and from the tone of her voice he realized, she wasn't offering any more, she was ordering. Alex looked at her in slight suspicion before he watched her get up on her toes and bolting her arms around his neck again, and this time, he was too slow or paralyzed or confused to even prevent her from doing so. They stood there for a while, awkwardly, since Alex was still not reciprocating, only leaning down to match her size, while she was holding onto him forcefully. He could hear her agitated breathing from their rough encounter besides his head, and actually feel the determination inside of her on his skin. He noticed the way she was holding onto him, forcing herself onto him and for a moment he thought, she really wasn't doing it because she so wanted to hug him but… because she thought he had needed it. Alex didn't know why or how or when… but at some point he found himself hugging her back. He closed his arms around her waist, pulling her close, feeling her entire body flush against his, even though layers of thick clothing were between them and he could hear her sigh into his ear. _What the fuck was happening? What were they doing? They didn't even know each other well... why were they hugging? Why would he let her? _While Alex' mind raced, he felt his body relax. He buried his head in her hair which was soft and smelled really good and got Alex distracted, at least for a little bit, and it made him soften. As they stood, holding onto each other like there wasn't anything else in their lives, Alex felt himself tremble slightly and once he tried to get it under control, his trembling only worsened and his breathing got hitched. _Oh God, do not cry on her. You don't need to cry. Keep it in, you freaking moron. _

When he tried to calm himself inwardly, he felt how Jo loosened one of her hands from behind his neck and started running it up and down his back, having realized how badly he just needed to break. This wasn't the time though, most probably, with them being expected to show up at dinner and his siblings knowing their exact whereabouts. She would give him all the time he needed, however, after a couple more minutes of swaying within their embrace, he felt himself pull away subconsciously, risking a quick glance at Jo's face to assess her state before averting his eyes, immediately turning to walk back, scooting through the hole in the fence, and walking up towards the dining room, Jo several steps behind him, following quietly. When they seated each other on the table Aaron and Amber had already claimed, the younger ones looked up at them questioningly.

"Where did you go off to?" Aaron asked them curiously. Alex was caught in surprise, while Jo was already chuckling and waving his brother's comment away.

"Your big shot brother over here," Alex slowly turned over towards Jo giving her big eyes, "slipped in the sludge and couldn't help himself up again afterwards with his broken fingers and all," she added that last part in heavy mockery, patting Alex' hair while pointing to his jeans that she knew were all muddy because of sitting on the riverside with Amber. The little one laughed out merrily, and Aaron nodded with his eyebrows hiking. They both digged in once the spaghetti bowl was brought to their table and Jo took the moment to glance over at Alex who was still watching her face. He tried to read her in complete and utter fear of what she was going to do with that information of him breaking in her arms. For some reason, it felt like telepathy talking to him when Jo's corners of her mouth tugged up the tiniest bit and she closed her eyes to shake her head unnoticeably for anyone but him before turning towards the table and started slurping her spaghetti fake disgustingly, making him smile. _Maybe having a friend wasn't all that bad after all. But he would make sure that something like today was never ever going to happen again. _


	7. Approach and rejection

[December 1997]

The next couple of months, Alex tried to spend a little more quietly, trying to get _his_ life under control. His hand had healed quite nicely and at the start of wrestling season, Alex' coach was more than satisfied with Alex' progresses. _He was going to get that wrestling scholarship, no matter what. _That's what Alex had decided. _He may not be able to afford good clothes and go out and have a burger every day after school like all his friends did, he may have put all his sparse money out to have Amber go to camp in the summer, pay the bills around the house and whatnot and he may have to work his ass off but he was going to get a college education, that was for sure. _School was going okay as well, he had never had any serious problems, even Ms. Morgan had to admit that once he had switched to high school. The key to Alex' success had always been the well-being of his family. And the fact of if or if not he was actually attending classes. But since he was now and had been for the good part of high school, everything was fine. More than that, he tried to focus on heaving his younger siblings through their respective grades. Both always having showed learning difficulties, especially since what happened during the last couple of years, he had had his hands full with trying to supervise their homework and trying to enlighten them about basic science and math, sometimes economy or other stuff. When he wasn't studying, wrestling or babysitting his siblings at the group home, he would go out with his friends, and more often than not, he would go pick up a girl and find a place to hide with her for a couple of hours. A lot of times, Alex felt bad afterwards… but he needed release somehow and _this _definitely gave him some. Also, it provided him with some time to relax and shut up his brain and just… let go. Even though none of those girls had ever achieved busying themselves with him long enough for him to get to talk much, talk about stuff that desperately needed a vent.

Alex' walls around himself grew taller and thicker by the day, and there was nothing and nobody that could keep them from doing so. He felt like he did have his anger issues under control for the time being, barely getting into fights anymore, channeling his anger on the fields. When he wasn't wrestling, he was running or back at the gym he would box. Sometimes he asked himself if all those things actually made his aggressions simmer down a bit or if they'd just turn to escalate at some point, thinking about the extreme amounts of rage he sometimes produced while letting_ off _steam_. _

After their encounter on the meadow in the dark a couple of months ago, Alex had diligently started to ignore Jo. He had tried, he really had but that first morning after their hug when she looked at him with those big green eyes of hers... he just... he couldn't. It was too much. So, he had started averting his eyes, and soon he had started ignoring her full on. She just... Alex couldn't help but feel... constricted... by her freakishly accurate readings of his body language and mind. At school it was easy and unsuspicious since they were three grades apart, joined different cliques – it was easy. Except for when they both had their trainings. Adam was still very obsessed with the idea of Jo and he had been nagging Alex to introduce them which Alex had refused at various times. So, Adam had started hanging around the places where Jo would appear sooner or later throughout the day but she would always without fail turn him down, very politely though. The few times Alex hadn't been thinking and had actually been lingering with Adam, realizing way too late what they were doing, Jo would give him a burning glare, which he usually evaded immediately. He could read _her_ face easily, as well, he just didn't want to. It made his guts churn. He knew for a fact that she was mad because he was ignoring her and even though she was the much younger one, he behaved a lot more childish. Alex knew that, but he couldn't help himself. He hadn't been able to forget what she had managed to do with him after their first meeting back at the group home and he was scared beyond belief what she was going to do with that information even though he _knew _all she was going to do was keep it to herself. He _knew_ she'd never tell anyone else. But sometimes he was even more scared that she would confront him with it again. Because he just couldn't get over the fact that he had broken in her arms. And at some point he thought he could read off disappointment, probably for having thought that she had been gaining a friend that was now very much not the case.

Funnily, Jo would without a miss seat herself with the Karev kids every night to have dinner together. Amber had immediately taken to Jo's sincere and honest character, not having any of it when Jo told her she'd be sitting somewhere else the day after what had happened. Amber wouldn't let her. And Aaron had always been close with her. So, she had been sitting with them every night, Jo and Alex sitting shoulder to shoulder on the bench opposite of his younger siblings, sipping their soups quietly, munching on their meals pretty much without appetite. Alex had initially been angry about Jo sitting with them, silently accusing her of not being capable of just saying no towards a ten year old. After some time, though, he had realized and also secretly, he felt a bit bad about it later, that the members of his family seemed to be Jo's only _real f_riends at their home. So, he had started accepting her at their table, not ever talking anything much, except for if Amber or Aaron asked them something directly. It was childish, yes, but it was even harder to look her in the eye and say something. Amber hadn't noticed anything, she was way too young, Aaron though knew both his brother and Jo. He knew something was up, the only thing he didn't know was what. Alex knew though, that Aaron would never dare ask him, always having been way too respectful towards his big brother and his private life. So, they sat in silence every night, listening to the youngsters ramble on most of the time, but still, hearing and learning a lot about the other's life through the conversations at hand.

It was one of those nights, when they were all sipping on their corn chowder and Amber was telling a story about a girl at school making them all laugh merrily, when Ms. Stipler, the night carer, came over to their table and handed Jo a letter. Jo looked up at her in surprise and when Alex risked a glance over at her face, he could definitely make out fear and felt how her shoulder and her whole demeanor tensed.

"What is it?" Jo asked the carer straightforwardly, finding it silly that she should read a letter to hear about something when the messenger was standing right there.

"It's a letter from your last foster family," Ms. Stipler told her, looking at her sympathetically.

"They said, they'd call," Jo told her matter-of-factly, not blinking her eyes, Alex hearing by the pitch of her voice that the wall-building had already begun. The Karevs all busied themselves with sipping their soup quietly, trying to give Jo some space. They all knew what the letter would say and they all knew how much the content would hurt her.

"I'm sorry, Josephine," the woman told her, turning around and walking away again. Jo stared down at the letter in her hands, having forgotten about eating.

"Aren't you gonna open it, Jo?" Amber asked her innocently, making Jo smile at her but Alex could see it was a fake.

"Amber," Aaron tried to discipline her soothingly, stopping her from prying.

"It's okay," Jo said, still smiling, scrunching up her forehead. "It's been two months, it's not like I was still hoping for them to call me back," she chuckled. Her voice kept steady, but Alex being the one on her side of the table could make out how her hands were shaking. "So, I'm gonna open it right now," she cheered with big eyes, looking at Amber with a big smile who returned it gladly. Alex watched her rip the envelope open messily for her fingers were trembling badly, and get out the letter, starting to read. Alex risked another glance towards her face and noticed her chin and crease on her forehead tremble. It was weird how they had achieved it, however, by now Alex knew Jo so well, all of her little creases on her face and what they meant, all of her quirks and how she pulled up her shoulders or which movement her legs were doing, he knew she would never ever dream of succumbing to crying in front of them and all the other foster kids having gathered in the dining room. But she was fighting against those tears and almost lost it, still trying to keep up a small smile frantically, mostly for Amber he thought, and he was grateful for that. Alex _was_ hurting for her. He hated seeing her like that. He hated having people tell her again and again, _nope, we're not gonna love you, either. _Because that was basically what they were doing. Alex sighed, looking over towards his siblings who were talking to each other to bridge the silence a bit. _Oh, what the hell. She needs you. And you know it. _

Alex put down his spoon and dropped his hand in his lap before plucking up the courage and putting it on top of Jo's sweaty, cold, trembling hand that was resting on top of her own thigh, immediately encasing it wholly, squeezing it. Alex didn't expect her to react to him, yet after the initial second of utter surprise, she squeezed his fingers back so tightly, he thought she might break them again. They sat like that for a while, Jo staring down at her previous foster family's words, gulping down the tears that he knew were gathering up inside her, him streaking his thumb across the back of her hand soothingly all the while. After everyone had finished their dinners except for Jo and Alex, Jo finally dropped the hand that was holding out the letter into her lap and sighed, looking up. Aaron and Amber smiled at her shyly.

"Are you gonna be okay?" Aaron asked her timidly. Jo smiled at him, nodding with closed eyes.

"You still have us, right?" Amber spoke up in her girlish voice, glancing over everyone at the table, stopping at Jo's face, awaiting her reaction. Jo opened her eyes and chuckled mildly.

"Yeah, I have you guys," she repeated, showing a much more cheerful smile now towards the kids on the opposite side of the table. She took a deep breath and turned her hand that Alex had been squeezing around to face upwards, and looked down towards them, waiting for Alex to intertwine their fingers. Alex looked down as well, feeling how his insides still hurt for Jo's rejection letter but now he could feel a new pain, a stab to his guts that he couldn't quite define. _Oh, come on, she needs you right now, nobody will ever know, right? And it doesn't mean you'll have to give something away _you_ don't want to. It really doesn't. You're just comforting your friend. _It took a moment but Alex found himself matching his hand with hers, and he could feel how her head slowly rose to look at him. It wasn't a look he knew from her. She usually was strong-headed and confident about anything and everything. He looked up as well and for the first time in ages it seemed, they matched eyes again. Alex sighed quietly, for he had actually missed those eyes but at the very same time he noticed how he immediately felt like she was intruding. He watched as she bit her lips and a crease formed on her forehead, probably trying to make out if what Amber had just said was true for all of them, Alex included.

"Are you planning on finishing dinner or can we take it away?" Aaron asked them, having observed their moment closely, trying to make out what the hell was going on between them. None of them had realized they were holding hands yet but their lingering gaze caught Aaron's eye.

"No, I'm not hungry anymore, thanks, Aaron," Jo yanked her head around and smiled at her class mate.

"Alex?" he asked him pointedly. He shook his head.

"No, go ahead," he told him, sighing. Amber had already carried her plate away and had gotten a wet cloth to clean the table, both of them watching her. When she was done, she came skipping around towards them, Alex immediately breaking their touch. Jo looked over at him, rolling her eyes but turned towards Amber a moment later, her having hugged the older girl from behind.

"I would miss you so much if I weren't able to see you anymore," Amber told her in a whisper, making Jo coo and share a good-natured smile with Alex.

"You know, little dwarf, it'd actually not be that bad of a thing if one of us wouldn't live here anymore," he pointed out to his little sister, rumpling her hair. She turned around to frown at him.

"That would be so stupid. I love sleeping in a room with Jo and all the other girls. And who would I do my homework with? And we wouldn't be able to go down to the stream anymore," Amber listed on her fingers, making them laugh and enjoy her good mood, Alex secretly grateful for Amber's gift of seeing only the good things within a situation and be completely content with those.

"I'm not sure, though, if Jo likes to sleep with all you annoying little kids, I bet she'd enjoy her own room," Alex told her matter-of-factly, making his sister look at him pretty madly. Jo chuckled silently.

"Jo loves sharing a room with me, right?" the ten year old turned back to Jo and awaited an answer.

"Of course, Amber, Alex is just being a jerk as usual," Jo told her, petting her hair softly before flitting her eyes towards Alex, rolling her eyes, making him chuckle.

"See," she stuck out her tongue towards Alex who hiked his eyebrows and laughed, "We're best friends. And we don't like boys, just so you know," his little sister announced royally. They all got up and walked over towards the common rooms, Amber immediately walking over to play with the girls her age while Aaron sat down to work on his assignments and Alex lounged besides him, reading a sports' magazine. When Jo strolled by them, trying to get one of the rare spare seats, Aaron looked up at her.

"Hey Jo," he called after her, making her turn around questioningly. "Have you finished Geometry yet?" Jo nodded at him.

"Need any help?" she asked him with a smile. Aaron sighed and nodded seeming pretty stressed out about it. "Sure, what do you need help with?" she bent down to look at what the problem was and studied the papers. Alex silently watched them discuss the problem and Jo instructing him what to do.

"How can anyone get that without tutoring?" Aaron looked up at Jo in wonder. She smiled.

"Well, I'm just smart like that," she replied smugly, mockingly. Alex couldn't help but snort. Jo turned over slowly only to find Alex' head blocked by his magazine. She snatched it out of his hand and hit him on the head with it playfully, glaring at him.

"Do you have any objections about that?"

"She's always been one of the smartest in our year," Aaron nodded, apparently in thought. Jo pointed her thumb at Aaron's statement, giving Alex big eyes and a smile.

"You hear the guy," she said. "I'm pretty awesome," she added, making Alex laugh and snatch his magazine back. "You know, if you concerned yourself a little more with studying instead of your sacred, primitive sport, you'd be able to help Aaron with his homework, also," Jo taunted him a little more now, enjoying their banter after such a long time of silent treatment. Alex stared at her unbelievingly.

"Did you just call me primitive?"

"No, you gotta listen to me, I said that sport you were doing was primitive," she corrected him. Alex' eyes bulged.

"How dare you?" Alex countered in fake indignation. "And, may I point out to you that dubbing the sport primitive, simultaneously makes me the very same," he said. She smiled.

"Well, good point," Jo gave him. Both laughed before Alex turned round towards Aaron.

"But Aaron, seriously, I could have helped you with that, you know that," Alex said. They both watched as Aaron's cheeks flushed crimson red, making them both raise their eyebrows. "What?" Alex inquired.

"I know you can. You know more stuff than anyone I know," Aaron whispered in embarrassment.

"But?" Alex questioned further, not knowing what was going on.

"You sometimes get so angry with me when I need a little longer," he said within a quiet breath, averting his eyes. Alex sighed, feeling how the lump rose again in his throat.

"I'm sorry, buddy," he told him immediately, realizing as so often that he just _had to _control his temper better. He guessed he hadn't even been bad towards Aaron but his brother was so sensitive and everything one articulated towards him that didn't end in a _sweetie _he conceived as criticism or being told off. Or at least that's how Alex saw it. He had marveled so many times while growing up how two kids from one and the same family with the same history and experiences could turn out so differently. Alex had such a high threshold for how cruelly some people interacted and treated each other, he really thought to himself, he was a lot different and to be frank, a halfway decent guy. But apparently the rest of the world looked at it much differently. _Maybe that's why everybody was scared he was gonna turn out like his dad. _

"No, it's okay, Alex," Aaron mumbled into his Geometry book. Jo stood in between them, looking like she wanted to vanish for interrupting an important brother bonding moment.

"You just have to tell me, you know that," Alex tried to make him see. "If I'm being a jerk. Most of the times I don't even realize it," he explained tentatively, and momentarily, he couldn't figure out if he was saying it for his brother exclusively or if he was trying to explain himself in general. He could feel Jo's eyes on him but he wouldn't let himself get distracted. "Hey Aaron, look at me for a second," he tried to match eyes with his brother. It was weird how he usually was so closed off everything and everyone but he didn't actually mind Jo listening in to their conversation. When Aaron looked up at him, Alex sighed, closing his eyes. "Aaron, I don't want you to be scared of me, do you hear me?" he said. "I know sometimes I get really angry and sometimes I yell and I'm hurtful… but it's not because I don't love you, alright? And I'm not gonna turn out like…," Alex started, hesitating, seeing Aaron's wide eyes at what he was going to say.

"I know that," Aaron told him immediately. "I wasn't suggesting that," he said. Alex nodded.

"It's okay, buddy. I know. Sometimes I scare myself even with how similar we are…," Alex said. Aaron shook his head.

"But you're not," he stressed again, already having forgotten about his homework. Alex' glance flitted over towards Jo who was standing there awkwardly, biting her lower lip.

"But you're still mad at me for what I did with mom, aren't you?" he approached a subject that he knew was unresolved between them. Aaron stared at him silently for a while. Alex exhaled noisily.

"I don't wanna talk about that," Aaron said after a while, looking over at Jo. Alex nodded.

"Alright," he said, getting up. "I'm gonna go get some fresh air and when I come back we can look over your homework, alright?" Aaron nodded at him gratefully before sinking his head back into his mathematical problems. Alex passed by Jo who was still standing there like she was all dressed up with nowhere to go, zipped up his hoodie and walked out in the cold. It was a week until Christmas and the snow had stuck to the ground for a good two weeks now, making the scenery look peaceful in the dark. He rounded the house before walking straight towards the fence and letting himself out to the fields, immediately lighting a cigarette, breathing in deeply. _What was he going to do about Aaron? What was he gonna do about both his siblings once he went off to college? _Alex had let himself think about that problem only a couple of times since he had filled out college applications. It was painful and complicated to think about. He didn't wanna think about it. He didn't wanna _have to _think about that. He couldn't just leave his siblings here, going off to have fun and start his life. What about them? He had made a point in trying to talk to Ms. Morgan to look into having a family foster both of them once he was gone but she had been rather harsh and told him off for trying to tell her how to do her job. Alex sighed again. _Stupid, freaking, crappy, complicated. _

He turned when he heard steps behind him and sighed for he was sure he already knew who it was. Alex had stopped at the water that had frozen up for the most part, Jo standing besides him, hugging herself to prevent the cold from creeping underneath her coat. They stood in silence for a bit before he turned to look at her with glaring but somewhat softening eyes, the longer he looked at her.

"What?" he barked at her. "Do you need a hug?" he shot out after a moment of hesitation, not sure if making fun of what had been their friendship's downfall was appropriate. She chuckled humorlessly, jabbing him.

"I'd rather have you talk to me than have you hug me and then risk the silent treatment for the next couple of months again," she stated soberly. Alex nodded, feeling stupid. After a moment, Jo spoke up once more. "I really only came after you because I wanted to clarify that just because I wasn't on top of my game today doesn't mean you have to feel sorry for me and talk to me again if you think that's something you still wanna pursue," Jo told him matter-of-factly. Alex matched eyes with her slowly, both their faces a mask before he looked away, took one last drag of his cigarette before putting it out in the snow. When he pocketed his hands, he tried to shape some words, even though he had no idea what he wanted to say.

"What happened?" Alex asked her after a while.

"What do you mean?" Jo frowned at him.

"While we were gone… what happened in those three and a half years?" he looked straight into the woods, trying to give her some space. He could hear her even breathing and her almost screaming thoughts. Frantically trying to find out what she wanted to give away.

"I was here for another year or so," she started her story after a bit. "And then I met this family. They had two kids themselves and they were actually looking for a younger one. But when they came back to visit with the kids, I befriended their daughter, she's my age. We grew really close. One day, they were back and I was just really excited to see her, when Ms. Morgan called me to her office and the girl and her parents and her younger brother were all sitting in as well and beaming at me. The girl had been nagging her parents to adopt me. Or at least foster me. And they said they'd try. So, we did. We did try. I moved to their house and I had my own room and everything was perfect. I actually thought that was where my future would take place. I changed middle schools and I was there for more than two years. They had just asked me if I was interested in finalizing adoption papers when the dad got diagnosed with lung cancer. They were a stable family, they were. Decent income, you know, everything good. But with fighting the cancer, everything changed. He got worse rapidly, had to stop working, was hospitalized. The bills were unmanageable. The mom had to work, and care for him, and care for us. She completely spiraled down the drain. They had to treat her for depression. We stayed with the grandparents for a while. It looked like the dad was bettering himself a bit, everything looked a little more… positive. But then one day, out of the blue, they sat me down and told me that they didn't want me to experience all that crap with them because they promised me a future, a good future, a happy life. I told them again and again that having a family, and they really felt like a family to me, that that was worth so much more than if they could afford a private high school or college for me which I didn't even want from them. I just wanted to stay. But they wouldn't let me. So I transferred straight to another family. I was completely… well, off. All the things that had bettered for me during those years, everything crashed down on me. I acted out again and the family told me they couldn't take me in like that. I yelled at them, telling them I didn't want them, I wanted my old family back. So, they brought me here, to… give me a break. Give themselves a break. They never picked me up again," Jo finished her story. They stayed quiet for a bit.

"So, the letter was from the second family telling you the break was infinite?" Alex tried to clear up his confusions.

"Pretty much, yeah," she said.

"But then, you didn't even wanna stay with them, right?" Alex frowned at her, not understanding all the fuss and emotions that had happened over dinner. Jo rolled her eyes at him and slapped his shoulder lightly.

"You are such a douche, you know that?" she told him in irritation. Alex shrugged his shoulders at her and gave her a confused look.

"What? I'm trying to understand here," he defended himself.

"I realized that I had chased away yet another family that might have given me a chance," Jo explained madly. Alex nodded.

"Well, but the other family had wanted you, right? I mean that counts for something, right?" Alex told her, wide-eyed. Jo smiled at his thinking.

"Yeah, that counted for something," she chuckled.

"And, anyways, if a family has to _give you a chance, _or whatever you called it… they're not worth it. You know… they're always like we need to e_arn _having a family. That's crap. Every kid should have a family, no matter what. Screw moods, screw yelling, screw aggression – every kid needs a family. You shouldn't have to fight that hard for it," Alex got himself going, feeling the agitation again.

"Yeah, I know," Jo looked at him, completely understanding where that was coming from. They stood wordless for several more minutes.

"Well, for what it's worth, I'm sorry," he told her, gesturing with his hand awkwardly. He matched their eyes cautiously, succumbing to staring at each other before they could make out a frantic running and sliding towards them and loud panting. "What the-," Alex spat out before Aaron bumped into him forcefully, Jo yelling out in surprise, trying to get him off Alex.

"Aaron, what's going on?" she talked to him frantically, tugging at his short sleeved shirt and looking him over. He was only wearing slippers. Alex held him at arm's length, his guts sinking, terror setting within him, observing Aaron's wide eyes.

"Aaron, talk to me, what the hell's going on?" Alex repeated Jo's words.

"It's Amber," he whispered all of a sudden. "She fainted and her breathing stopped. When I left, they had just called the ambulance," Aaron's voice almost broke but Alex had already started running as fast as he could. He fought all the way up towards the fence against the slippery snow, feeling how his muscles burned for his speed and the slight incline. He didn't care though, all he was seeing in front of his eyes, were pictures of needles, teddy bears, his dad and a young, fragile girl that he wasn't sure would actually survive until he got there.


	8. Hot and cold

It was mayhem. Alex took two steps at a time, running up the hallways towards the common rooms where people were gathering. He could see kids crying and some others yelling around, he pushed bystanders out of the way and Alex made out heads turning in his direction before he could feel a strong arm grab his elbow, trying to halt him. When he turned around in complete agitation, he could see and hear Chester trying to calm him following the instructions some night carer kept shouting towards the older guy. Alex broke away violently and scooted towards where he saw his baby sister lying on the carpet, unmoving, the nurse doing CPR on her literally breathless body.

"Alex," Ms. Stipler tried to stop him. "Alex, listen," she told him urgently, but he didn't care. He crouched down next to the nurse and shoved her away rudely, immediately taking over the breathing. _Come on, Amber, you can do this. C'mon! I need you to take a breath, please, baby girl, please, you can do this. _He could hear the commotion everywhere around him but all that counted in those long minutes were his baby sister who was lying on the floor, unconscious and helpless, and him being the only source of oxygen that she had at the moment. He could hear the whispering of the nurse and the carer, he could make out frantic movements. But nothing mattered. All that mattered was Amber surviving this. He felt two people kneel down next to him, it had to be his brother and Jo. He looked up at Jo whose eyes were wide with sorrow, having clutched Amber's lifeless hand between hers.

"Do you need me to take over?" she murmured, making him shake his head. He'd never forgive himself if he didn't try everything in his power to save her. Alex kept on doing CPR until a while later, he felt Aaron tug at his sweater and he turned around swiftly to see paramedics rushing in, immediately shoving the three kids out of the way and intubating Amber, trying to attach her to a breathing bag. Aaron squealed quietly at seeing what the paramedics did, with both Alex and Jo trying to soothe him, still completely taken by what they saw in front of them.

"What happened?" the paramedic spoke up immediately.

"The kids reported that Amber had been acting a little weird a few minutes before her crash. She seemed distant and not very well on her feet. They gave her a drink of water but she didn't want it. Also, she was scratching herself wildly, apparently, but you can see that on her arms," the carer explained towards the interviewer, who nodded.

"Alright, I will need the girl's medical history," the paramedic pushed on, already having strapped Amber to a gurney. The nurse bustled about, trying to find the right file.

"She's immunocompromised. It's a secondary deficiency. They told us when she was 4 years old. She has been doing an antibacterial and antimycotic therapy on drugs and has had 6 plasmic transfusions. She's always responded very well. Her usual signs are dizziness, nausea and weight loss but sometimes it's hard to catch since as you can see she doesn't carry around a lot of weight in general," Alex immediately spoke up, making the paramedic, the carer, the nurse and Jo stare at him. "And by the way, I'm coming," Alex added, walking besides the gurney towards the ambulance. The paramedic nodded, while the carer looked frantic.

"You can't just leave, it's after curfew, Mr. Karev," she said sharply. Alex raised his eyebrows.

"You can't be serious," he told her, still walking.

"I am dead serious," she said.

"Screw you," he told her, leaving her speechless.

"Any other diseases, accidents, we should know about?" the paramedic spoke up again when they heaved her into the vehicle.

"She was tested for hepatitis 4 years ago when I found her playing with our father's used heroin needles. She's never been diagnosed, they couldn't find anything. She's been brought back for liver observation over the years," Alex told the wide-eyed paramedics stoically, instantly turning around towards Aaron and Jo who had been following them silently. "Aaron, I'll go to the hospital with them. Try to get a ride with Ms. Jolanders if she shows up," he let him know. "Unless she doesn't care at all. Then I'll call you from the hospital, alright?" he was already on his way back in when he saw the expression on his brother's face and took a step back again. "It's gonna be alright, okay? I don't know what's gonna happen but we will make sure she'll make it out okay, alright?" Alex told his brother, trying to match his eyes and waited for a nod, squeezing his shoulder at it. When he did, Alex gave him a small smile before pulling him in for a quick hug and glancing over towards Jo who was watching them silently, biting her lips.

"We'll need to go, NOW," the paramedic yelled, making Alex break eye contact and hurry inside the ambulance, sitting down next to the gurney and holding Amber's hand, drowning out the siren. _Oh, please, Amber, please just wake up. Just take a breath. It's easy. Come on, it's gonna be so good once you do. I know you want to. Come on, baby girl. _

The following hours were chaotic. They brought Amber in, however, within the very same movement, they locked Alex out. He watched frantic people running around at the hospital, running in and out of the E.R. and later of the ICU where he had been led to by another nurse who had also brought something to drink and a sandwich for him. Nobody else had shown up yet. Alex was pacing the hallways, rubbing his face in his hands, trying to keep calm. _Everything was just fine. Everything was going to be okay._ It didn't matter that at this very moment, Alex felt like the last person on this planet. His sister was on the verge of dying. His father was God knew where. His mother was residing at an RTC near Ames. His brother was stuck at the group home. His social worker… well, wherever she was. People kept flashing through Alex' mind. Ms. Stipler, the paramedic, Stacey, Jen, Adam, Chester, Ms. Morgan, Aaron, Jo, his sister again. His mom, his dad, Jo. His wrestling coach. His dad, the teddy, the needles. Rage accumulated inside of him and he had to manage to keep it in. _Just don't punch anything here. It's the freaking hospital. If he ever got to see the dirt bag that called himself his dad again. Ugh. Amber was freaking dying. Your freaking ten year old is freaking dying because of your addiction. _Alex sighed, throwing himself down in a visitor's chair, putting his head into his hands. _Fuck, fuck, fuck. _

"Mr. Karev," a doctor neared him tentatively, trying to make out if he was okay. Alex sprang up immediately.

"How is she?" he rushed over towards the mid-forties doctor who actually seemed rather nice.

"We put her on the breathing machine. She tried to take a breath a couple of hours ago which is a good sign but she's still too weak and her breathing too shallow. We'll keep her on overnight and we'll see if she can manage on her own tomorrow morning. We'll discuss everything further then. We'll need your parents to be here for that," the doctor tried to tell Alex, squeezing his shoulder.

"Yeah, I know. Somebody will show up," he said, pausing. "I'm not going anywhere, though," Alex immediately defended himself.

"You should go home. We'll take very good care of her here," the man told him. Alex shook his head.

"No, I'm staying." Alex told the doctor matter-of-factly. "Where can I use a phone around here?"

The doctor sighed dramatically, before guiding him over to the nurses' station and bid his goodbyes for the night. Alex took the receiver from the phone and considered his options. All he had wanted to do for the last hours was call his mom. He knew that wasn't an option. But he just longed to have her here. _Lie in her arms and let her soothe him. Let her talk him down. Sing a song for him. Like she had done when he had still been a little kid. When it was just him and his mom. No Aaron, no Amber. He just wanted to feel safe again._ But that wasn't an option. So he dialed the number of what he knew was Ms. Morgan's office. He didn't know any other extensions but it was fine. Somebody was sure gonna pick up. He listened to the monotonous beeping sound before a slightly rushed voice questioned into the phone.

"This is Alex Karev. I'm calling from the hospital," he introduced himself to Ms. Stipler.

"Yeah?" she sounded dismissive.

"I was just gonna say that Amber has been tended to and they won't know anything until tomorrow morning. They'd like to see Ms. Jolanders, then. And could you please tell my brother that I will be staying with Amber and he can take a ride with her tomorrow morning," Alex pushed on even though he felt like he was talking to a stone wall.

"They already informed us," the carer just said.

"Oh," Alex spat out, momentarily speechless. "Alright, then… good night," he tried to hang up.

"Mr. Karev?" he heard from the receiver and put it back to his ear.

"Yes?"

"Ms. Morgan will be informed about your behavior," she told him sharply.

"Yeah, whatever," Alex rolled his eyes. "Just make sure my brother knows about my whereabouts," he tasked her before hanging up roughly, anger still simmering inside of him.

Alex spent the first part of the night pacing but at some point he just dropped from exhaustion. People were still looking at him weirdly whenever they passed by but he didn't care. He couldn't leave Amber. She was just a baby. When he sank down in one of the rather uncomfortable chairs in the waiting area, he finally fell asleep, admittedly waking every twenty minutes or so from either hospital noises, cranked up sitting positions or nightmares. It felt like only minutes had passed when he could hear the hospital bustling again, it was probably morning already. Alex startled when he sensed somebody kneel in front of him on the floor, taking his hand between two soft ones and another weight by his side from a person that had put an arm to his back. He yanked his eyes open only to startle again for Jo was sitting right in front of him, staring at him, while Aaron was hugging him from the side and when he looked up, he could see Ms. Jolanders standing several feet behind them, waiting it seemed.

"Hey," Jo said softly, trying to calm him from the surprise he had shown on his face. He looked over at Aaron immediately, reciprocating the hug, pulling his hand out of Jo's, feeling slightly irritated when she boldly placed her palms onto his knees.

"Have you heard from her?" Aaron asked him immediately, making him shake his head.

"Let's go find out," he nodded towards the nurses' station, matching eyes with Ms. Jolanders who gave him a small smile and a nod. The nurse they talked to was rather friendly and told them they had extubated Amber early this morning and she was breathing fine. They had run several blood tests on her and she apparently had been in for a bit of a rough morning. The doctor was gonna find them as soon as there was anything to report. They all went back to the waiting area, where Aaron handed Alex a tooth brush and some clothes to change into which he took over gratefully. When he had changed, he went back, finding Ms. Jolanders talking on the phone while Aaron was working on some homework again and Jo seemed to be… writing or drawing something on a pad. She looked up and smiled insecurely when he strolled back towards them.

"Anybody want something to drink?" he asked towards the people present. Aaron shook his head, while the social worker mouthed _coffee _and Jo put away her stuff and got up.

"I'll go with you," she decided, passing him, ignoring his face. Alex turned around slowly, following her out of the ICU. They walked in silence for a bit before Jo succumbed to random small talk. "This doesn't seem to be a very interesting hospital," she pointed out for they were walking down halls meeting a whole lot of nothing and nobody.

"I didn't ask you to come here, you know," Alex barked back, immediately angered again, passing her moodily when she had stopped and looked back at him in surprise. He heard her follow him again after a short pause of not knowing what to do.

"I just meant… you know… there's not a whole lot of people here… or emergencies…and that stuff," Jo tried to explain the fact that she was small talking and not bitching about boredom.

"Save the small talk. It's not like I need you to entertain me. I'm fine," he countered again when they had reached the coffee cart. When he glanced at Jo, she looked irritated.

"I didn't expect anything else from you," she told him dismissively, rolling her eyes.

"Why are you following me, then? I don't need a babysitter. We all don't. We're just fine. I don't need you here," Alex was getting frantic, trying to keep his rage in that had been sloshing wildly for the last few months. When he looked back at her again, Jo's eyes were burning madly.

"You know what," she hissed towards him. "I was just gonna get some coffee. And I thought since we know each other, we could share the task. But it's okay. I'm gonna get _my_ coffee and I'm gonna walk the halls back to the ICU all by myself, ignoring the fact that I do actually know you," she barked back, chucking some change on the cashier's table and taking her coffee forcefully, spilling some at it. When she was already a couple steps away, she turned around again, her face distorted with anger. "And just fyi," Jo spat out. "I'm not here for you. I'm here for Amber because she's little and she sleeps in my dorm and she adores me and she actually does count me as her family and thus, I'm here for her. And for Aaron. Because he actually appreciates me supporting you guys and trying to be there for you even though there's _nothing _whatsoever I can do because if Amber's not breathing by herself, we can't do anything as bystanders. But I'm trying. I'm just trying to sit with you and you know… talk if you want to or shut up if you don't and you know… just be there. And he appreciates that. It's cool if you don't. I don't care. I'm not here for you. Remember, _we've never been friends. _I couldn't care less about you now," she added cruelly, her agitation getting somewhat out of control, her face scattered with strands of hair and her hands trembling. She balled them into fists to get it under control, while she was still staring madly at Alex' eyes who hadn't said anything at all since Jo's exclamation.

When the barista asked Alex to pay and he broke the contact, Jo turned around and stormed away, directing herself back to the ICU. She threw herself into the seat and put her coffee down to rub down her face and gain some cool. Alex, who had been ten steps behind her the entire way, looked at her half aggressive, half defeated demeanor, feeling how his guts coiled. _She was right. Of course she was here for Amber and Aaron. He had absolutely nothing to do with it. Why would he have thought otherwise? They weren't friends. At least not best friends. She was friends with Aaron, right? They were the same age, they should be the ones hanging out. But why did his insides yearn to talk to her, then? He saw her and his guts presented him with two reactions. One, he wanted to run. Run far, far away, run to hide, run from her eyes, from her words. She knew him too well. She could read him too well. And two, he just wanted to talk to her. Tell her everything. All of his cares. Every single one of them. He just wanted to tell her. Ugh, fuck. Why couldn't it just be one or the other? Jo surely wasn't going to accept his continuous hot and cold towards her. _

Alex tried to match their eyes again when he walked closer tentatively but she was stubbornly staring at her feet. He handed the coffee over towards the social worker who smiled gratefully and then immediately walked away again, being engrossed in another phone conversation. Alex distracted himself with watching Ms. Jolanders talk on her cordless phone. He decided, her job had to be super important to actually own and use a cell phone. He sat down opposite of Aaron and Jo, watching them. Aaron was still busying himself with homework while Jo had fetched up her paper pad again and now he could see clearly that she was drawing. Not even badly. He hadn't thought. Alex let the pencil guide his thoughts. He watched it meticulously. Jo's hand movements were forceful and aggressive, the pencil strokes coming out dark and wide. His eyes never left the tip of the pencil. It was hypnotizing. After a while, the strokes became milder and softer and he could feel himself relax, and he could feel the anger drain away within his body, and furthermore, within Jo's body. With all his might, he tore his eyes from her pencil to look at her face. She immediately noticed he was watching her and stared back at him, completely emotionally void. Alex mulled it over in his mind.

_They were probably always going to headbutt. They were both stubborn and opinionated and both always had to be right. _He could feel his guts drop a bit. _He swore, he didn't want to be that grumpy towards her. She was just trying to help. He knew that. She wanted to be with his siblings. _That, _she had made very clear. Maybe, she had wanted to be there for him as well. But he had managed to fend her off successfully. But why? Why did it make him so, so angry that she wanted to help them? That she wanted to be there and just… sit with them, suffer with them. _Alex sighed, dropping his gaze back down to her pencil. Jo's immediate reaction was pulling her pad towards her body, shielding it from his eyes. He bit his lips, feeling stupid. _Now, she was pulling away. _He couldn't blame her.

"Alex," Aaron spoke up all of a sudden, startling both of them.

"What's up?" he turned his gaze over towards Aaron.

"Can you help me with this?" Aaron pointed at his textbook.

"What are you working on?"

"I have to study for this mid-term biology quiz on Monday. We've been talking about cell structures. You're good with that kind of stuff, right?" Aaron looked up at Alex expectantly.

"Well, let's hear it," Alex suggested, glancing over at Jo who was still focused on drawing.

"It says here that metabolism is a process of energy acquisition and conversion and it's necessary because cells are usually undergoing cellular changes," Aaron read off his book.

"_Always_," both Alex and Jo said at the same time, glancing up at each other sheepishly before looking back down quickly. Alex could feel his ears redden a bit while he spotted slight blushing on Jo as well. Aaron's eyes flitted in between them.

"What?"

"The cell constantly undergoes cellular changes. Not usually. It's never in a state of equilibrium," he told him, looking at Aaron's reaction, and sighing, trying to explain. "It means that there's never any _balance _if you will. There's always a change in conditions, a change in particles, etc. And metabolism is… an attempt to regulate those ongoings to at least try to steady cellular state. You know… you can maybe imagine it like that. No matter which subject you're gonna graze within this year's biology, it's a general rule that nature's tendency is always towards disorder. Because those conditions release energy. So, every cell – in humans but also in plants – needs energy, right? So, the cell tries to change from highly ordered conditions towards disorder and back, so lots of energy is released and the cell works with those reactions. Does that make any sense?" Alex looked back at his brother's face, completely engrossed what he had just explained to him.

"Hm… I think so. So, does this ATP thing have anything to do with that?"

"Yes! Exactly. That's… um… how can I describe it… it's like… alright, every cell has a respiratory system. It breathes. It breathes with the help of organelles called mitochondria. And within those-," Alex tried but Aaron's face was showing complete lack of understanding. Jo rolled her eyes and intervened.

"Look, Aaron. Imagine the cell being some kind of... market hall. And you always need the market place to thrive, right? You need people to come sell their stuff, you need people to come look and buy the stuff, but you also need… economy to be good, you know, for everyone to have at least a little money to deal with, and the… um...whatever... weather to be good for people to actually come out and buy stuff… and whatever more. So, there's thousands of processes within a cell that influence how it's doing. Now, tell me this. What's the one thing at a market place you need for it to survive? Which part do you need thriving to stabilize economy?" she looked at him thoroughly, Alex watching them in suspicion. _What was she trying to say?_

"Well…," Aaron thought about it. "I mean…," he stuttered. "I don't really know," he said.

"No, come on, think. I know you know it because we did learn that in basic economics in middle school, I remember that," Jo looked at him without any sympathy on her face. Aaron mulled it over for a while. "It's common sense, really. The market place will surely die with what missing?"

"Transactions," Aaron half-stated, half-asked.

"Yes! Exactly! So, if there's no exchange of goods, economy will die. Alright, so, just imagine the cell like that. There's always going to have to be exchange for the cell to survive, it can't stay steady, alright? So, the thing that's transferred in a cell is energy. Energy is the good. And then you'll need money, right? You'll need currency to exchange goods with. So, now imagine ATP being that currency. I'm not even sure how detailed you need to know all of that but do you get what I'm saying?"

Aaron nodded slowly. "I think so. So, there's a cell and its content always in... motion because it can't stay still. And it needs to transfer energy, in and out. And the thingies that breathe, they break the ATP stuff and it releases energy and once they do that the cell breathes. Or something like it," Aaron tried to summarize all bits, looking like that confused him even more. Jo smiled and nodded.

"Yeah, something like it," Alex said. "We'll have to talk about it a little more, though," he winked. Aaron nodded gratefully before going back to reading the stuff. Alex watched him, pondering. "So," he inched a little closer to where he wanted to be. "Why are you guys not studying together?"

Aaron looked up at him before looking over at Jo who had focused on drawing again, not looking up. "I'm in AP biology," she told him dismissively. Alex nodded. _Yeah, he could have guessed that, _Alex chided himself. Alex startled when the door to the ICU slid open and the doctor from the night before came out.

"Mr. Karev," he exclaimed, shaking his hand, "and family?" he asked him in confusion. Alex looked around, meeting all eyes. Then he nodded.

"Yes. They're all family. Ms. Jolanders here is our social worker. She'll probably take the spot of my parents," Alex explained for the doctor.

"Hi, my name's Karen Jolanders," she took a step towards the doctor who looked surprised. They shook hands before she showed him her ID. "Amber Karev is in state care. You'll have to work with me regarding her recovery," she told him matter-of-factly.

"Alright, maybe we should go to my office," he told her with a burning look, telling her that he didn't think it wise to take all the kids.

"Yeah, we're coming," Alex immediately stated, taking both the grown-ups by surprise. Aaron got up, walking over towards him, fidgety. Jo had gotten up earlier but stood by her chair awkwardly, not knowing what to do.

"We'll come find you later on, alright, Ms. Wilson?" Ms. Jolanders told her in a sweet voice.

"No, she's coming," Alex told her sharply, before looking back to match with Jo's eyes and pointing his head towards the ICU to let her know he wanted her there. At least for Aaron. And Amber. _At least for them. _

They all walked silently towards the doctor's office, nobody knowing what to say before sitting down and staring at the doctor who sighed and his face told that he didn't know where to start.

"Alright," he managed after a moment. "We have run some tests on Amber. When she came in she was in respiratory arrest and intubated. She showed underweight, scratching traces on her arms and belly and a lightly yellowish tone of skin. From what the paramedics noted, I could read that Amber had been in contact with used syringes on an occasion 5 years ago and been on liver observation since then. Also, as noted, she has a secondary immune deficiency, probably from malnutrition during childhood. From all we could gather, I guessed that we were dealing with a liver infection. This we could exclude very early on. Unfortunately," he sighed, looking up from his notes and grazing the people all listening to him intently.

"You found hepatitis in her. Am I right?" Alex finished the doctor's sentence. The doctor looked at the 17 year old straight. There was a short pause. Then he nodded. Alex' mind immediately shut down. _Please, please tell me this is a very cruel nightmare. Please, just tell me that that doctor had not just confirmed what you have seen in her as a 14 year old, 3 years earlier. Please. They're wrong. You were wrong. We all have to be freaking wrong. _


	9. Friends?

The air within the doctor's office was thick with tension. When Alex opened up his eyes, the doctor was looking back down at his notes. Aaron had huddled in his seat, Jo's arm resting around him, looking straight at the doctor as well. Ms. Jolanders was the first one to speak up. She cleared her throat uncomfortably.

"What exactly does this mean?" she looked in between the doctor and Alex quizzically.

"We have found a most probably chronic infection of Hepatitis B on Amber's blood count. We can't be sure about it since her medical records do not indicate that this has been directly carried by the syringes she had been in contact with, however, in some patients Hepatitis does not show itself, neither symptomatically, nor in their blood. Nevertheless, since this _is _the only occasion noted down as prone to be the infection site, we can assume that is what happened. Right now, we'll need to work on a treatment plan. As said, her liver has not been inflamed and we will try to keep the viral proliferation under control, so it won't turn into a liver inflammation or liver cirrhosis in her immediate future. The treatment usually takes place with drugs in adults. She's young, though, and there aren't many meds that we'll be able to administer. Amber being immunocompromised as well, is a fact that cannot be overlooked and we will need to keep her in the ICU until we have figured out which drugs will work together smoothly if at all. Right now, she's being given a plasmic transfusion benefitting her deficiency, so the HB virus does not have an enlarged settling ground," he explained slowly, Ms. Jolanders nodding with terror written all over her face.

"This is contagious, right?" the woman asked him with a tremble in her voice and Alex looked over at her in utter annoyance. _She's not saying what you think she's saying, right?_

"All forms of Hepatitis are contagious, yes. The disease transmits via all bodily fluids. This presenting as chronic, though, permits the patient to control this over time. She will need to learn to be very careful about everything, especially if she lives in a home with lots of other people. She does, from what I can gather?" he questioned the social worker who nodded.

"She lives in a group home with 29 other kids and minders," she informed him. The doctor nodded.

"Alright. I realize this all will sound very complicated right now, but this _is _to be handled. The first weeks will be a pain, especially for Amber, however, once she's used to it, it will not affect her life much. She'll have to be very careful around all the shared rooms. She is going to need to have her own kit of stuff, her toiletries, disinfectants, everything. Brushing teeth, bathroom routines, eating, playing. She's going to have to watch out for injuries, since blood, saliva and urine will be the things you will all have to look out for the most. However, at this stage and in her state, everything will be a lot more dangerous to affect _her_ health status than the other kids'," he explained further.

"When can we see her?" Alex interrupted rudely, having heard enough. They could deal with whatever it was they had to deal with later on. Right now, as the doctor had said, she wasn't going anywhere and most probably, she was lying in her bed all alone, isolated from every other person, scared. The doctor sighed.

"You can go visit with her after we finish giving her the transfusion," he told him. "But we cannot allow more than two people visit at a time and only within a limited time frame per day," he said. Alex nodded.

"I'll be waiting outside," Alex said. "Please send a nurse once I can go see her," he said, getting up and walking out without looking back at the others. _Deep breaths, take deep breaths. As the doctor has said, this can be handled. It needs to be. You'll manage just fine. You can do this, you've done this so many freaking times in your life. It's gonna be okay. _Alex walked around the halls for a while before leaving the hospital to have a smoke. When he walked back in, he decided not to mingle with the others since his mood was still unstable. He passed the waiting room before sitting on a small table having been put next to a snack machine, pondering quietly. There really wasn't much Alex could do. They'd have to figure out how to deal with her infection and they'd have to figure out how to deal with medical bills. Also, he thought to himself, this was gonna go on record and he already saw Amber's future within a new home float away quietly. Alex' eyes focused on the opposite wall. _White. Nothing but white. _That's all he needed. There was nothing he wished for more at the moment than to just transfer that white wall into his mind. No more sensations, no more information. He just wanted to be done with it. But they kept on coming.

_What was he supposed to do now? Not go to college? Care for his younger siblings instead of gaining a respectable education? _With his mom residing at the RTC and his dad gone, with Amber being sick and Aaron scared beyond reason… there wasn't much he could do. He startled when he heard someone serve themselves at the vending machine, not having seen them. He inched a little to look who it was. When he saw Jo's profile, his guts wrenched. And again, she had been the person that had to suffer from his moods. He juggled his thoughts around his head, trying to decide what to do. He really needed a friend. And she was the closest he had to one that he could actually talk to about stuff like that. And he knew she would. Alex knew she cared, just as much as he cared about her even if he pretended otherwise. He listened to her curse and kick the machine before something finally fell down for her to pick up.

"Did you know that only 30% of kids who acquired the infection between ages 1 and 6 ever clear of it over a lifetime?" Alex spoke quietly, watching his feet tangle, noticing from the corner of his eye how badly he had startled Jo who was now looking at him part annoyed part sympathetic. "The rates increase with age. If anybody had ever listened to the stupid Karev kid, they probably would have found it earlier. Maybe they could know more about it now. Maybe they could treat her better," Alex ranted on, feeling emptiness spread within him. Helplessness. Like nothing he'd ever say was good enough. Nobody would ever believe him. He glanced up at Jo's face, watching her bite her lower lip and look at him sideways. When Alex let his head fall again, she walked closer slowly, turning around to lean against the edge of the table besides him and looking at the white wall as well.

"Maybe she really hadn't been infected with the needles and she caught it somewhere else, though. It wouldn't surprise me. I know they keep it as sanitary as possible but we're still 30 kids living underneath one roof. Lots of us go in and out of foster homes. Remember when I caught a bug with one family a few years back? Things happen. I'm sure they did everything they could back then when you brought Amber in. I'm sure they're doing everything they can now," she tried to reason. Alex nodded, thinking it through.

"It's just… nobody will ever foster her again after this. Did you see Jolanders' face? She looked scared. She looked like she wouldn't wanna touch her ever again," Alex maddened.

"How _do _they know it's chronic, anyways? I mean… if it's acute she'll be over it in… I don't know… a few months, I guess? I mean how can they say _now _that it'll be chronic if they have just found out about it?" Jo tried to mull it over in her head, desperately grasping for alternatives to the prospect of Amber always going to be dubbed the sick girl from now on. Alex shrugged.

"I'd guess by the scar tissue on her liver? I think that's what they go by if they can't define the exact infection site or period. But then again, with her immune deficiency, this all gets distorted anyways…," he pondered. They sat in silence for a while, both dealing with their respective thoughts.

"We should probably get back," Jo suggested after what felt like an hour to both of them. "Aaron's all alone with Ms. Jolanders. He'll be wondering where we are," she pointed out, making him nod. Neither of them moved though.

"I'm sorry about before," Alex voiced feebly, blushing a bit. He did feel bad. She had only wanted to help. She was helping so much. They never talked much, both not being big talkers. But on the other hand, they did so much. And it always helped straighten Alex' mind. Jo glanced back at him slightly before nodding and averting her eyes again. "You're absolutely right. Aaron and Amber _do _need someone to be there for them apart from me. Amber has taken to you freakishly," he chuckled mildly, making her smile. "And Aaron really trusts you. He probably talks to you more than he does with me…," Alex pushed it on, his voice breaking a bit with insecurity. There was a short pause in which Jo looked back at him in surprise, trying to read him. Then she smiled the tiniest smile he had ever seen. Other people might not have caught on but he knew her features well, having studied them since they had met years ago. It didn't show a lot but she did smile. What he couldn't read was what the smile expressed.

"We do talk a lot," she said after a moment, going back to serious. Alex nodded, feeling insecure all of a sudden, because of what she said but mostly because he saw how she was observing him so very closely and for some reason he thought, she was pretty good at reading faces as well. "He doesn't talk about you, though, Alex," she added.

"Well, why would he?"

"What I mean is, he doesn't talk about your family. He's not giving away anything that you might not want him to," Jo clarified. Alex felt trapped somehow. He hated feeling that vulnerable. He hated feeling all those feelings he couldn't describe. That's why he didn't talk as much usually. _So, why are you doing it now?_

"I don't care what he talks about. It's his family. He should probably talk about it if it troubles him somehow," Alex shrugged it away, trying to be a little more uncaring about it even though the very sound of the words made him cringe on the inside.

"You know that's not what it's like at all," Jo told him matter-of-factly.

"I don't know what you are on about," he gave her back dismissively.

"Alex. You're his big brother. You've always been the one setting the tone. And you don't like talking about it. As a matter of fact, I don't believe you've talked about it with anyone ever much. I'm not even sure you guys' have talked about it with each other. He respects that. He respects you. He knows you're looking out for him and Amber and he knows whatever will be, he'll be safe with you. So, he doesn't doubt your word. He'd never go behind your back," she tried to make him see, patiently that was. Alex was confused. _Where did that come from all of a sudden?_

"You make it sound like he's scared of talking about it. Scared of me, really," he pondered.

"He's not scared of you," Jo retorted, rolling her eyes. "I can't believe anybody could be scared of you," she said, teasingly, smiling.

"Ha, ha," Alex just spat out.

"Oh, come on. You're just one big softie. Have you watched yourself with your brother and sister? Who would be scared of you?" she told him in a slightly more serious manner.

"I scare lots of people. As you might have gathered, I punch a lot of stuff. And people, sometimes. I get angry and moody and stuff. I don't do well with people. That kind of crap," he admitted. Jo smiled at him.

"You don't say," she mocked him again, bumping her shoulder against his, sharing a sweet smile that quickly turned to awkward, making them both avert their eyes. "I'm just saying. He knows you don't like to talk about it and he respects that. So, he's not telling me all your dark secrets," she looked back at him playfully. For some reason Alex felt a bit better, and he didn't even realize that that was something he had needed to hear.

"Thanks," he told her, scrunching up his face lightly afterwards, not realizing he had even been mouthing that word before he had heard his own voice say it. Jo frowned.

"What for?"

Alex shrugged. "Being Aaron's friend. Best friend, probably… or you know… whatever you guys… are. He needs you a lot, you know. He adores you. It's good to know there are some people on this planet that take to his socially awkward character," he smiled, thinking about his brother, never having understood why he was such a loner. Aaron was such a sweet boy. _Maybe sometimes too sweet. _"Alright, that sounded way too patronizing and I really didn't mean it that way. I just meant… I'm glad he has somebody he can trust and who cares about him," he corrected himself. Jo looked back at him with something seeming like amazement, propping her head to the side, looking like she didn't know what to say first.

"You really aren't easily understood, you know that?" Jo laughed, still scrutinizing him.

"Well, I'm trying," he answered half-heartedly with a slight chuckle.

"Aaron and I are friends," Jo tried her best to stress that last word without stressing it too much. She didn't wanna make a fool out of herself, underlining it that much for Alex to see. "I care about him. I'm glad he's opening up. But you should know, he has lots of other friends, too. At school. He's not the awkward fifth grader anymore," she informed him with a wink. Alex nodded.

"That's good," Alex responded, eloquently as ever. There was another short break. When Alex looked at Jo's profile, he found her looking insecure herself. "What is it?" he asked her, watching her suck her lower lip in again and staring at the wall, fidgeting with her fingers. There was another moment of quiet before she spoke up again.

"Every time you talk about Amber or Aaron and how happy you are that they are well and you know… cared for…and they've found friends and stuff… forget about your home life for a bit… it's just…," she sighed, heavily, shaking her head. Alex was taken aback when Jo suddenly pushed herself away from the table and faced him, gulping before saying anything, seeming like she had startled herself while doing so. "Look, Alex," she told him. "I'm gonna say this with having in mind that there's a 99% chance that you're gonna storm away again or say something mean afterwards or whatever," she gestured wildly, making him widen his eyes, waiting for her point. "And I hope that you're with the 1% and prove me wrong. It's just… Alex," she stopped herself again.

"What the hell is it?" Alex chuckled but growing serious again, seeing her face.

"I'm _your_ friend, too, I hope you know that. I know we're not, I know that. But you know… putting that aside, we could still be friends," she told him, taking a deep breath, awaiting his reaction.

"I thought we already were," Alex said, calmly, looking down. Jo was taken aback by that.

"Oh," she said, feeling sheepish. "So, that's how you act when you're friends with someone?" she started out, trying to match eyes with him, trying to tease him. Alex sighed. When he didn't say anything, she continued. "We don't have to be that awkward you know. Just because I know things about you, just because I get more out of you than your horrible macho behavior that you put on for Stacey and Sara and Kelly and the likes, it doesn't mean that I'll approve less of you," Jo tried. "Aaaand I know that this has overstepped every line again… but again, I'm not gonna tell anyone about this, alright?" she smiled at him awkwardly. After a moment, Alex finally looked up.

"You think you know me so well, huh?" Alex retorted, chastising himself immediately for not being able to let her just say something nice and accepting it. By now, he couldn't count anymore how many times Jo had put herself out there, just to be a friend for him, just to be there for him, and he didn't even know why.

"No," she shook her head wildly, looking annoyed. "I'd never dare say I know you well," she clarified. This took him aback and he gave her wide eyes. "Look, Alex, I'm just saying, we don't have to be all I'm your best friend and we'll have to hang out all the time but I'm saying we can treat each other like normal people. You know, civilized?" she told him, faking a teacher's explanation of the matter.

"How are you so good with that stuff?" Alex spat out all of a sudden.

"Social interactions?" Jo raised her eyebrows, trying to keep in laughter.

"No… I mean yes… I don't know," he waved her away, getting up from the table as well, strolling away.

"I'm not. I'm just offering you to talk to you when nobody else will because you've again been a horrible pain in the ass," she jogged after him, punching his upper arm. Alex chuckled.

"You know, you're pretty annoying yourself," Alex gave back to her, making her roll her eyes.

"Ohhh, you're so snappy, that _really _hit home," she told him mockingly hurt. He laughed.

"Why do you wanna be my friend anyways?" Alex asked her all of a sudden. Jo looked down, trying to hide her face before sighing and looking up again, both stopping in front of the glass door that led to the ICU waiting room.

"Have you ever thought about the fact that I could be needing a friend as well?" she looked at him, all her guard down. Alex gulped, trying to size her up for the moment.

"Why do you choose _me_ to be your friend though?" he questioned further. They stared at each other.

"Because sometimes I have this feeling that we are made of pretty similar cloth," Jo said. Alex nodded.

"You think?" he asked her. Jo shrugged.

"It's hard to say. People are always different. But all the stuff you try so hard to keep hidden… all the things you do to make people look the other way… all the things you say to hurt people just to not get hurt yourself… it just… they all seem very familiar to me," she averted her eyes, shrugging again. She pushed the door open, trying to get out of the slightly awkward situation walking a step ahead of him.

"How did I manage to come by a 14 year old chick friend that annoys me more than Adam Blittwick?" Alex asked her mockingly, trying to lighten the mood. Jo laughed, raising her hands and shoving him aside playfully. Alex reciprocated and they started waving their hands about trying to nudge and hit the other lightly, chuckling. When they were close to rounding the corner, Alex nudged Jo's waist, making her giggle and snapped her hand with his to stop her from fighting back, holding it for a couple more steps.

"Let's go see Amber," he told her, smiling slightly at her, trying to tell her that he was glad they were friends. She nodded, smiling back before letting her eyes graze their joined hands. He squeezed them before letting her go and they rounded the corner to meet with Aaron.


	10. How to let someone in (or not)

Over the next week, things relaxed a bit and everyone involved tried to help with Amber's recovery immensely. The medical staff had lightened the restriction on the number of visitors allowed at one time since they couldn't really stand up to the Karev boys and Jo who didn't even think about it twice when they walked in together. Amber was still weak and the doctors were trying new meds and redefining treatment plans every day. Ms. Morgan had arranged for Alex to be released from school for the first week of her hospital stay, since it was the last week before Christmas and there wasn't much to do at school anyways. Additionally, Amber needed someone accompanying her with all her physicals and since neither her parents nor the social workers had enough _time _on their hands, he filled in for them. He would turn 18 in January, however, the doctors really didn't care all that much. Ms. Jolanders came by every couple of days to visit and sort out the grown-up stuff, however, Alex still noticed the tension every time she stepped into Amber's room.

Aaron couldn't be released from school yet since he still had to do a couple of quizzes and had some essays to hand in. It was fine, though, he would go to school in the mornings while Alex chaperoned Amber to do all her appointments and tests and would come visit in the afternoons. Most of the time, they stayed even though they were doing homework or other stuff. Amber was happy to not have to stay alone. Every night Alex would stay with her until she had fallen asleep and would then walk the halls, pondering, until he almost dropped from fatigue.

The Monday before Christmas, Alex had just been trying to take a short nap once Aaron had arrived from school and momentarily entertained Amber, when Jo slid open the door forcefully and his younger sister let out a squeal.

"Jo, what took you so long?" the little one chided her, happily reciprocating the hug Jo presented her with.

"I went by the store and brought you the Christmas issue of American Girl," Jo told her, pushing it into her hand, raising her eyebrows when Amber started squealing and clapping again, turning back to the chair on which she had thrown her stuff. "I got something for you, too," she wriggled her eyebrows at Aaron who had looked up from his French textbook, frowning and then grinning.

"What is it?" he asked in anticipation. Jo got a box out of her bag.

"It's a 3D car model puzzle," she told him excitedly. Aaron's eyes went wide when she shoved it into his arms. "You like cars for some reason and you like doing hard puzzles… and I guess that's hard enough, right?" Aaron nodded slowly.

"Why are you bringing gifts?" he looked at her suspiciously. Jo shrugged, already having turned around.

"Let's make them early Christmas presents," she said, waving his comment away.

"I didn't get you anything for Christmas," Aaron told her sheepishly, blushing furiously. Jo laughed.

"I got it for a dollar at that little bookstore around the corner from school that's closing down. I just thought you'd like it. Stop fussing," Jo barked back at him, giving him a smile at it.

"Okay," he said quietly. "Thanks, though, Jo, this is awesome," he told her. Jo nodded, feeling good about making her friends happy. She was still fighting with something big that wouldn't quite move out of her bag smoothly, cursing lightly when Alex spoke up groggily, lying on the spare bed by the window.

"What did you get me then?"

Jo smirked before getting out what she had been working on and strolled over towards him, sitting herself on the bed as well.

"You," she told him matter-of-factly, "do not deserve presents," Alex looked at her fake indignantly. "You have been lazily hanging around here while Aaron and I have been doing hard work at school," Jo scolded him. "And therefore," she swung her hands around, placing a huge pile of text- and notebooks and sheets on Alex' belly, making him puff heavily, "you get this." Alex closed his eyes in annoyance and threw the stuff on the nightstand.

"Thanks," he ranted, closing his eyes again.

"You should start doing your homework right about now," she advised him further, making him grunt. She smiled. "Adam told me you guys are snowed in with stuff over the holidays. Apparently all your teachers are getting the jimjams now that it's only a few more months before you guys will leave for college and show off how little you've learned until now," she teased him, making him snap his hand at her thigh that was closest to his lying position.

"So, I bet he was all hyper for you actually talking to him today?" Alex inquired, smiling with his eyes still closed. Jo groaned.

"It was so awkward. What's with that guy? He's so not smooth…," Jo ranted. Alex chuckled.

"Well, that's Adam. Usually girls like the goofy, laid back performance he's putting on," he enlightened her.

"Oh, really? I thought it was pretty… lame," she gave back. There was a pause in which Jo got out her drawing pad and pencil, losing her shoes and crossing her legs, scooting back a little, grazing Alex' legs. Aaron was deep into his assignment and Amber unresponsive since she had laid hands on her girls' magazine. Alex who was still lying on his side, his eyes closed in contentment, listened to the faint sound of Jo's pencil scratch the paper. By now, he had heard that noise so many times, it actually started hypnotizing him. Alex felt drowsy and he dozed on and off for another quarter of an hour or so, before Jo spoke up quietly, only meant for Alex to hear. "So…," she murmured, Alex pricking his ears. "Adam knows?" When Alex nodded, Jo looked over, having heard the movement, however, not having seen it. She frowned at him before he opened his eyes and they matched. He nodded again. Jo raised her eyebrows. "I hadn't thought," she stated. There was another short pause.

"He really is the only one who knows. We've known each other since kindergarten. He just… he picked up on some stuff. Some things just can't be covered smoothly. And he isn't the guy you think he is. He's nice actually. He'd never tell anyone," Alex enlightened her. Jo nodded.

"Yeah, that's what I thought. You'd never tell anyone that you didn't trust," she pointed out. "Except for people that know anyways, of course," she added, turning back to her drawings, Alex rolling his eyes.

"So, if he knows about you… why does he keep asking me where I live and what my parents do and crap like that?" Jo questioned him further, working on her art. Alex frowned.

"Just because he knows about me, doesn't mean he knows about you," he clarified. Jo hesitated.

"Why?"

"It's not my information to give," he said, shrugging it off. Jo nodded, glancing at him in what he thought was part surprise, part gratitude.

"So," she pushed on. "What _did _you tell him? Why we know each other I mean?" Alex shrugged again.

"Nothing much. Told him you know Aaron from school," he croaked, yawning. Aaron looked up at them when he heard his name.

"What are you guys talking about?" Alex' little brother asked curiously.

"Nothing much," Jo waved him away with a smile. "Oh, but there's something else Adam told me about you," she turned towards Alex, goggling at him with big eyes. Alex looked at her questioningly. "_You've been to juvie_?" she spat out, unbelievingly. Alex chuckled.

"Yeah," he said, nodding. Jo was left speechless, shaking her head in disbelief, trying to mouth words that wouldn't come out in the end.

"Why? I mean, how? What did you do? How stupid can you be? I mean I know… you do _lots _of stupid stuff but getting caught at it?" Jo chided him, still baffled by the news Alex' best friend had given her. "Did you punch someone again?" she asked him patronizingly, when Alex didn't reply. They looked at each other for a bit when nobody said anything. Alex pondered. _He really didn't know if he wanted her to know the story._

"Mom forgot to buy food all the time. You know… between taking her pills and being sick and tired and all… and Amber was just a baby. Well… she forgot sometimes. So, Alex tried to go get some food from neighbors. But they all shut him down. When he came home with empty hands one day and Amber and I were just so starved, he went back to the store and stole some food for us. It worked a couple of times. He was busted by an old grumpy man when he tried again," Aaron spoke up soberly when Alex still remained silent. Jo stared back at Aaron in disbelief; however, it was different now. She looked like she was completely taken aback since she hadn't expected a story like that. She hadn't expected Alex to try to do something…. _good_ and then paying the price. She slowly turned her face to look at Alex, scrutinizing his face. He shrugged and closed his eyes again.

"How old were you?"

"Eleven," he answered, matter-of-factly. Jo nodded before letting her head fall down to her chest, not knowing what to say anymore and picking up her pencil again. Aaron who was still engrossed with Jo's reaction to the story got up and looked at Jo's art. Or at least that's what Alex concluded to while having his eyes closed.

"Wow, Jo, this is amazing," the younger boy told her gushingly. "Did you just draw that from a picture in your mind?" he asked, interestedly, before Jo smiled at him and pointed at a picture frame on the opposite wall that showed the exact same picture when Alex opened his eyes curiously. It was a skeleton. It was a pretty accurate looking scientific drawing of a skeleton with all human bones present. He shifted his head and looked at the picture that he knew was hanging on the opposite wall since he had spent the last 229 hours in that room and marveled about Jo's handiwork, _it was beautiful. It was amazing, really._

"You should do art in college, or maybe as a job. You should maybe sell your drawings," Aaron suggested after a while.

"Hmm…," Jo thought about it for a moment. "No, I don't think so," she told him.

"Or some other… job with your hands… you know… you have really steady hands… I guess there are lots of… I don't know… _hand _jobs out there…," Aaron ummed and erred sheepishly. Jo stopped her pencil and looked up at Aaron slowly, trying to see if he had gotten what he had just said, trying to keep her laughter in. Alex tried to chuckle quietly next to her, having put his face in his hands. Aaron who hadn't realized what he had said, was still contemplating the picture. "You know what I mean? I mean that's incredible… you seem to have so much potential in your hands…," he said, looking up in surprise when Alex started yelling.

"Oh, Aaron, please just stop talking," he roared, rolling around from side to side, bumping Jo at it who slapped Alex' side, biting her lips to not laugh with him and gave him a glare.

"Why? What is it? What did I…_oh_," Aaron tried to defend himself before his entire face started glowing deep crimson and he looked like he wanted to die. Jo turned her face away from Aaron, closing her eyes and laughing silently only for Alex to see. "I really didn't…I mean… of course that's not what I…. you know, right?"

"It's fine, Aaron, I know what you mean," Jo turned back and tried to comfort him. When he hadn't calmed down after a couple of minutes, she got up and got her shoes back on. "You know what, I'm gonna go and get myself some much needed coffee, so you can stop being so embarrassed about what you said," she told him, wriggling her eyebrows at him. Alex watched her slide the door open and close before rounding the corner and shot up.

"I'm gonna go get some, too," Alex said quietly when Aaron raised his eyebrows at him. He ignored the kid and rushed after Jo, startling her when nudging her waist to make himself noticed. She turned around smiling, slowing her step a bit.

"That was awkward," Alex stated, walking besides Jo towards the coffee cart that they had visited frequently over the last week. Jo nodded, sighing out a last chuckle. "For a second I actually wasn't sure if he knows what a-," he started, Jo hitting him immediately.

"You need to stop patronizing Aaron. He's turning 15 soon. So am I. We're not dumb. God knows what you did when you were 14," she rolled her eyes at his smirk.

"Yeah, well, I still think that's a very different story. I mean," he raised his hands. "I have no idea what kind of extracurriculars Aaron is engaging in but you know…. I kinda don't really think of _those…_," he admitted. Jo shook her head, not being able to refrain from a small smile, though.

"You are unbelievable," she commented. When they had their coffees, Jo started to dawdle a bit, making Alex aware of her trying to say something.

"What's up?" he asked her, feeling intrigued.

"Do you wanna go have a smoke or something?" she asked him, making him frown even more.

"Don't tell me you've started up smoking?" he looked at her burningly. She shook her head and scrunched up her face. _Even though he did it himself, it kind of upset him to think of Jo smoking. It was nasty stuff. He wouldn't wish it on her. She was too smart for that kind of crap._

"Ew, what, no," Jo spat out, making him laugh in relief. "I was just… I need to talk to you about something and I kinda… I thought we should take some space for that," she explained to him, averting her eyes. Alex who actively observed her weird change in behavior, with usually her being the confident, outspoken person in between them, grabbed her elbow, turning her towards him.

"Is everything okay?" he asked her suspiciously. Jo matched his eyes and nodded quickly when she realized he thought something was… wrong.

"No, no, everything's fine, trust me. I just… let's just go downstairs or somewhere and well… let's just go first, alright?" she begged him, awaiting his nod before leading the way. When they walked out to the little pavilion, they both pulled up their shoulders and hugged themselves for it being freakishly icy outside and the wind gusting madly.

"You sure you wanna be out here?" Alex asked Jo, completely puzzled.

"Just wait for it," she said, looking upwards, before a second later a heat radiator started working, having processed their motions. Alex immediately relaxed. He could still feel the wintery outsides on his skin but it weirdly seemed kind of warm.

"Have you been out here before?" he asked her, making her nod. There was a pause, while Alex was waiting for Jo to say something and Jo was struggling with words. "Hey," he told her, nudging her, "just tell me," he tried to be genuine and supportive for once. _Whatever it was, he felt something was bothering her badly. _When Jo looked up at him, she looked scared. And that look, he hadn't seen on her once. "Jo," he immediately said, taking a step closer and reaching for her upper arms.

"No," she fended his arms off instantly. "You're gonna hate me for this and I don't want you to be in the situation of having to touch me while doing so," Jo explained to him. Alex frowned. _What the hell was going on?_

"Jo, I'm sure I'm not going to hate you," he tried to back her up, shaking his head wildly, not knowing what the hell she wanted to tell him.

"Can I ask about your mom?" Jo chucked out suddenly, and as soon as she had said the words, Alex felt himself stiffen. His face froze and so did the rest of his body. He pulled his arms that were still hanging loose in the air between them towards his body and his throat seemed to tighten a bit. Jo's eyes lingered on his face, her face neutral but her eyes screaming of fear.

"Why?" he asked her, trying not to run immediately, trying to prove her wrong. He didn't wanna be the guy that kept running from everything. He didn't. He just had never learned differently.

"Okay, so, please, hear me out," Jo told him beforehand, Alex giving her a curt nod. "I know I'm no doctor," she started, trying to grasp for words.

"And I am?" Alex intermediated questioningly.

"No," Jo said, shaking her head. "Of course not, I know that. It's just… you seem to be really good with that kind of stuff, you seem interested and widely read and you've had to deal with all kinds of stuff in your life already, so I thought… maybe you knew more about _this _too… you know like you knew a lot about the Hepatitis thing with Amber… I mean, no average high schooler has knowledge about this stuff like you do," Jo tried to explain her concern.

"What are you saying?" Alex interrupted her again, exasperated. Jo sighed.

"I read about this disease… It's called hepatic encephalopathy," she started out, glancing up at Alex' face cautiously, seeing him nod hesitantly, giving her big questioning eyes, trying to follow. "It's caused by some kind of liver failure, whichever really. It could be acute liver failure or chronic liver diseases, like hepatitis… of course alcohol and other infections, drugs…," she paused slightly.

"You think this is what my mom transferred to Amber at birth since she's a… she's… I'm not sure what you are saying… since she's sick and addicted to her drugs?" Alex looked at her disbelievingly.

"NO, no, Alex, that's not what I'm saying," Jo shook her head wildly. "Please just let me finish my thought, please, Alex. This is so not what I'm saying," she begged with him now, having taken a step towards him and stopping immediately, chastising herself for taking away the space that she had tried to establish before their conversation for Alex to not feel pushed or infiltrated. They sized each other up for a moment before Alex nodded for what seemed like the thousandth time that afternoon. She joined in, feeling a little relieved. "Okay, so, as said, this disease has like a hundred different causes. They say that symptoms in the beginning are very difficult to read and sometimes only the people living closest realize. Like confusion and irritability, off sleeping patterns and/or excessive sleeping, lethargy, disorientation. You know, pretty much everything that could also describe a depression or you know… intoxication…," Jo hauled on slowly. Alex looked at her without much emotion. He felt… empty. "Aaron said that when you committed her she was barely responsive?" she asked in a very, very quiet voice.

"I thought he doesn't talk about family?" Alex' eyes burned into hers. Jo shook her head.

"Last night, Amber was crying for your mom in her sleep," Jo remembered. "I asked Aaron if there was an option of your mom coming to visit with her," she said. "And that's what he told me. I swear he didn't tell me anything else," Jo immediately found herself pleading again. Alex closed his eyes and rubbed his face. _Why the hell did she care so much?_

"So, what do you want from me now?" he barked at her, when he had taken a deep breath.

"I'm just… look. I wouldn't have said anything. I just… I read up on all kinds of liver failures and I came across this… because… you know how we've been watching the doctors do all kinds of treatment plans on her? They don't even know what works with her… which makes me think… they're not sure what they're dealing with… or at least in which…manifestation… and I just thought… she doesn't even stand a chance if the doctors won't find out about what's going on for real… I mean…. He even said, there's no way of proving that she infected herself with the nee-," Jo tried to argue when Alex interrupted her rudely.

"I think the doctors are doing all they can," he had raised his voice a bit. "Amber's fine. Everything's going to be fine. She's gonna live happily after they've found out which meds to give to her, she's gonna be fine," he half-yelled himself into a frenzy.

"I know, Alex, I know, she's tough, she's gonna do just fine. I just thought…. If there's other things we could look out for or at least if there's things we could eliminate… there's a chance we could _really _help her," Jo talked frantically.

"We? _We _are not doing anything. I am. I'm her brother and she's my responsibility. You are just there for the fun of it and because you have _no one else _you could busy yourself with," Alex grunted, knowing how hurtful he was being at the moment. But there was no way he could let her in on this. There was no way he was gonna hear her out now. She had overstepped the line. He couldn't tolerate this. Rage and hurt mixed up within his guts and his throat burned with acid. Alex watched the shock on Jo's face and thought he could see her eyes water a bit before she looked down, closed her eyes, and gulped, looking back up again and seeing a completely different face. _Wow, she did know how to build a wall. _

"I'm just saying," Jo started up again a little more quietly. "It kind of fits. With your mom's condition-," Jo said.

"You wouldn't know anything about that," Alex barked. Jo closed her eyes and continued.

"And of course the infection at birth – after all you've all confirmed that Amber's been sickish since she was born," she tried again.

"She has secondary immunodeficiency," Alex pointed out.

"I even read somewhere that this kind of disease often leads to respiratory arrest," she told him, looking up at him with what he thought was desperation on her face.

"_Stay the hell out of my family's business_," Alex grumbled wildly, not knowing what else to say. They stared at each other for a minute before he turned on his heels and walked in swiftly, leaving the girl stand all alone in the cold. _How dare she? Who did she think she was? His mom passing on the disease to her sister? His mom was sick, not careless. How dare she, how dare she…. _Alex yanked the door open aggressively, speeding up his step, not really knowing where to head. His head was fuming. His mind was full with information, and rage, and emotions. His sight was like a tunnel. He couldn't record anything anymore, all he knew was how angry he was and how scared and how pissed. He kicked against one of the trashcans, walking to the far end of the corridor until his reason set in again and he walked back, still fuming, fetching the trash can back up and placing it at its rightful place violently, loudly. He let out a groan, making bystanders starting to notice. He sighed. _Just calm down, you can do this, come on. Just let it seep out of every cell you have. Just a tiny little bit, every continuous second, you learned how to, remember. Come on, you can do this. _

It took Alex around half an hour but he had calmed down well enough to decide he could go back into Amber's room and face Jo and the others. When he slid the door open, Aaron and Amber looked up at him.

"Where have you been all this time?" Amber asked him with a smile.

"Where's Jo?" Aaron and Alex asked simultaneously. They looked at each other weirdly. Alex could feel his guts ball up. _Fuck. Where was she? Oh God, he had hurt her badly. He couldn't remember clearly but he did remember saying something about how nobody needed her and she had no one. Oh God! _Alex' eyes told of panic.

"Where is she?" Aaron got up, nervous now.

"Will you go look for her? She's out in the pavilion… you now the smoke area," he told him, Aaron nodding and passing him by with a mad face. He knew that face well. It was the face that his brother gave him a lot when Alex had made a decision without consulting him first and not sharing the same opinion on it. Amber looked at him, confusedly.

"Is everything okay?" she asked him timidly. He smiled at her.

"Everything's fine," he told her, sitting on the bed next to her, putting an arm around her and watching the little TV show with her that she was engrossed with. He could feel how his guts and his mind were working overtime. His breathing was a little hiked and he could feel his pulse all upset. _He had tried so hard to stay and hear her out. But she had hit home so badly. And she had known it beforehand. She had known. When he thought about it rationally, he knew she just wanted to help. He just couldn't seem to think… rationally. _He startled when the door slid open again and Aaron came back all alone.

"Where is she?" Alex immediately barked at Aaron who he _knew _had nothing to do with it whatsoever. He couldn't help it, though. Aaron stared at him madly.

"What the hell did you do to her?" he voiced quietly. Alex looked at him in suspicion. Never in his life had he heard a tone like that coming from Aaron before.

"We had a fight," Alex waved it away dismissively. "Where is she?"

"She's still out there. Wouldn't talk to me. Said she wanted to be alone, all smiley and _just fine. _She had been crying, though. She had been c_rying, _Alex, for God's sake! Jo doesn't cry, don't you get it? She doesn't," Aaron maddened quickly. Amber tucked her head into Alex' shoulder, making him look at her.

"It's okay, Amber. I'm gonna go see her right now, alright? I'm sorry," he told her soothingly. When he looked back at Aaron, he had barred in front of the door. Alex frowned.

"I'm not gonna let you hurt her more than you already did," Aaron told him.

"Oh, get out of my way," Alex told him, fetching one of his warm zip up sweaters and picking up Aaron with both hands, placing him away from the door. "I'll talk to her, okay? It'll be fine," he said. Aaron wouldn't budge, though. He walked besides Alex all the way down towards the exit, staring at him madly. Alex didn't care, though. He just needed to tell Jo he was sorry. _Right? He was sorry? I mean he totally was… it was just… he didn't know what for… he knew he was sorry for lashing out… again. He knew he was sorry for hurting her at it even though this had nothing to do with Jo. But what about all the stuff she had said about his mom? What about that? _When they neared the pavilion, Alex could make out Jo stand on the far side from them, leaning against the barrier on her elbows and looking over the park. He walked straight up towards her, making her turn when she heard the steps. She averted her eyes immediately upon seeing him, glancing over towards Aaron.

"I said I was fine," she spat out. Alex observed her face and indeed, even he could see she had been crying. _Jo didn't cry. Alex had made Jo cry. _Alex' insides cringed.

"Put this on," Alex walked towards her, holding out his jacket.

"No," Jo frowned at him, showing her reluctance on her face.

"Put it on, _please_, it's cold," Alex said, a little more begging this time. Jo looked back at him, trying to hide the trembling of her limbs and the shiver on her lips. When she didn't move, he walked closer towards her, swinging the sweater which was way to big on her around her shoulders and made her put it on. She looked up at him crossly when she zipped it up and immediately cuddled into it, staring into his eyes madly, their bodies only a couple of feet apart.

"I don't need you to look after me," she said, angrily. "I don't need you," she repeated. Alex closed his eyes, sighing.

"I'm sorry for lashing out," he told her, all his guard down, even though it was so hard with Aaron being there. He could see how Jo's eyes were flitting towards his brother who had stopped a little ways behind them, watching them closely. When their eyes matched again, he thought that was exactly what he could read off of them. _You shouldn't talk if you don't feel comfortable with your brother there. _He decided he didn't care. "You were trying to help, I realize that. It just… it hit too close to home, alright?" he felt himself getting agitated again. She nodded. "And I'm sorry for saying you… for saying…," he hesitated, not wanting to repeat it for her to hear it again. She looked down, hiding her emotions.

"I'm gonna leave in a minute, I just had to calm a bit. I'm sorry if I've taken this too far. I never wanted to intrude into your family," she said, stone-faced. They could both make out a slight grunt from Aaron's direction but didn't act on it since they had just matched eyes, sizing each other up.

"I don't want you to leave, okay? Amber needs you. So does Aaron. They need you, alright? You're a big part of their lives. You don't have _no one_. You have lots of people. You have freakishly many friends at school and guys pant after you wherever you go. And you are only 14," he frowned at her, having taken her upper arms and squeezing them now, making her see. "I was lashing out because that's the only way I know how to work… I hurt when I'm hurt… that's all I ever learned…," he said. Jo sighed.

"It's okay, you don't have to say all this," she said, "I know what you think about me. It's okay. I'm gonna stay away," she said, averting her eyes again.

"No, Jo, you're not gonna stay away," he told her with emphasis. "Screw parents, screw foster homes, screw all of them. You're with us, alright? You have us," he told her, trying desperately to make her see that he had said all of it on impulse only, not because it was what he really thought about her.

"No, it's okay. I'll come see Amber when I know I won't bother you, and I'll be with Aaron at school. It's cool. I won't bother you anymore. I shouldn't have tried to be friends with you. You made it clear… many times… but I didn't budge because I thought that… we could be good friends… really good friends. But we can't. It doesn't work. It's okay, I see that now. It was me who was wrong," she told him soberly now, looking up at him. Alex stared at her. He didn't know what to do. He had hurt many people before. But he had never once hurt someone that he actually cared so much about and that he now was so scared to lose, he actually felt himself grasp at straws. _Alright, Alex. You can do this. She's your friend. Your best friend if you wanna be honest with yourself for once. You can't lose her. You'll have no one. And it's okay if you have no one else because you really only need her… because she understands you somehow… creepily… and she doesn't bitch and she takes your moods and she's tough. But you made her cry today. You need to give everything she has given you for so many months without ever asking for something in return. You need to put yourself out there and for once, just be there for her. Do what she needs momentarily. _Alex gulped. After a moment he pulled her towards himself and clutched her to him, encircling her with his arms and squeezing.

"What the hell? Let me go," Jo immediately fought against the embrace, trying to fight him physically but couldn't with him being much taller and stronger than her.

"You need to stop fighting everything and everyone," Alex whispered into her ear, and feeling her still immediately. He knew she knew what he referenced. All of a sudden he could feel her tremble terribly and she started crying, clutching handfuls of Alex' sweater, and hitting him within his embrace. Alex almost broke. _I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry. _He just thought to himself while he kept holding her and taking all her defense and whispering soothing words into her ear that he knew worked like magic, having had a hysterical mother and a scared sister and brother to look after. Jo melted into him after what seemed like an hour, and another while later he could feel how she moved slightly and returned the hug, calming her tears a bit and resting her head on Alex' chest.

"It's so hard to be your friend, you know that," she murmured into him.

"I know," Alex just said, looking down, resting his chin on her head. "I know that, trust me."

"It's the most exhausting thing there is, probably," she said. There was a short pause.

"Why are you trying so hard to do it then?" he asked her. Their eyes matched when they both shifted their heads to look at each other.

"I'm not sure… but it feels wrong not to…," Jo admitted. Alex nodded.

"I'll be gone in a few months, anyways," he told her half-heartedly, smiling tentatively. Jo smiled, closing her eyes again.

"I'm not sure that'll make my life better. _Easier, _yes. Better, though? I really don't think so…," she said in the lowest voice he had heard from her. Alex tugged her a little tighter. They stayed like that for another while before breaking the embrace sheepishly, looking around, having forgotten all about Aaron. But he had left. No sign of him. They shared a short, awkward look before walking in together. When they rounded the corner towards the ICU, Alex held Jo back for another second, making her look up at him in confusion.

"My mom's a schizophrenic. She's sick, yes. And I don't know anything about that disease you mentioned… but I don't think that's it. It fits well… it's like a puzzle piece, I know. And sometimes, that's so reassuring. I wish everything in life would be like a puzzle. Orderly, comprehensible, predictable. But it's not. Especially in medicine. Lots of stuff happens. And doctors sometimes have no idea what they're doing. Or what they're seeing in front of them. And it's devastating. But on the other hand it's motivating. Motivating to do something with your own life that'll maybe… lessen all the irregularities, all the unknown and all the hurt in the world… but yeah. My mom's schizophrenic. And there's nothing whatsoever I can do about that," Alex decided to share with her, trying to define Jo's face. She frowned at him but her eyes reflected something like... an epiphany. They stood looking at each other for another minute before Alex tugged her elbow and they walked in. _Making the world a better place. Yeah, Ms. Morgan's only gonna snort at you if you ever plan on telling her those plans. __  
_


	11. Ties that bind

Alex slowly and carefully pushed the doorhandle to the girls' dormitories down, wincing when it creaked loudly, exhaling deeply to calm himself, standing still to listen if anybody had heard it and had gotten up because of it. _Nothing but silence._ It was way past midnight and everybody was supposed to be sleeping. Alex let go of the breath he was holding and opened the door to slip into the completely peaceful room. He looked over all the bunk beds, eyeing the sleeping girls, listening to the odd rustle and the breathing of those kids. After going through all of them, Alex finally spotted Jo's bed over by the window and sneaked towards her bed. He noticed the upper bunk was empty before he stooped down cautiously to look at Jo and his sister.

They had spent Christmas and New Year's at the hospital but now it was January and they had finally decided to discharge Amber, hopeful that the new medication would work. She was home temporarily, to try to get her used to daily life again. It was her first night back at the group home, and Alex sure as hell couldn't sleep. He had insisted on sleeping on the couch with her but the night minder had refused by all means. Jo had intervened their hot headed fight and offered to let Amber sleep in her bunk to keep an eye on her. Alex had grudgingly agreed to the compromise, however, he still felt uneasy about the arrangement. He should have fought for longer. But Jo had been right, there had been no way to make the minder see how important it was to watch over Amber.

Alex felt how his insides wrenched. He was scared. _What if she stopped breathing again? What if she never woke after a night's sleep even if Jo was trying to look over her? _Alex observed Amber's sleeping demeanor. She was lying by the wall, having pulled her knees up and cuddling with the blanket, having pulled it away from Jo, sucking on her thumb. He had to smile. If it hadn't been for the growth spurt Amber had experienced last year, he could have mistaken her for the same 2 year old baby he had been sleeping in a bed with for the longest time. His eyes wandered over towards Jo, making him feel bad. It wasn't fair to her to have to take over all those responsibilities. It really wasn't. She looked peaceful though, embraced in deep sleep, cuddled up in a heavy sweater, most probably because Amber had pulled the blanket from her. She was wearing flannel bottoms covered with The Smurfs. Alex reached up to yank the bedspread from the top bunk and covered her up, so she wouldn't freeze. She stirred slightly when his fingers unintentionally grazed Jo's shoulder and he tried to stand still to not wake her fully. Too late though, she was already blinking her eyes in confusion. Jo startled heavily and Alex' hands instinctively flew up to smother a small yelp coming out when she saw him standing besides her.

"What the hell are you doing, you creep?" she hissed at him, glancing over at Amber to see if something was wrong.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to wake you," Alex responded sheepishly, blushing a bit. "I can't sleep and I needed to come and see that everything was okay," he told her. Jo rolled her eyes at him but he could see how her features softened on him instantly.

"She's fine. Stop fussing. Now, get lost, Ms. Stipler is gonna kill you if she catches you sneaking in here," she told him off sharply, even though she was still whispering. Alex just stood there, observing Amber's sleeping shape. Jo sighed deeply before rolling herself over to face him and tugging at his fingers. "Alex, I promise, nothing is going to happen to her. I'm keeping an eye on her," she looked at him sincerely.

"You were sleeping," Alex pointed out to her.

"So would you if you weren't that stubborn," she hissed. "Just go, try to sleep and we'll see you in the morning and then you'll be able to hover over her all day, alright?" she added with a wink which was followed by a deep yawn.

"I don't know, Jo, do you really think she's okay?" Jo looked up at his sorrowful face before groaning quietly, putting back her head for a second and then scrambling out from underneath her blanket, getting up. "Come on," she pushed his chest, moving him towards the door.

"No, what are you doing? You can't just leave her here," Alex immediately panicked, trying to fight her.

"Shh," she glared back at him, forcefully tugging him out of the room. "You're gonna wake all the kids, and they're gonna be hysterical, seeing a _boy_ in the girls' dorm," Jo spat, finally having walked him out of it, closing the door behind her. Alex dawdled over towards the window, leaning against the heater, rubbing his face. Jo watched him for a second before waddling towards him in her thickly knitted socks and stood in front of him, taking his chin in her hands to make him look at her. "She's gonna be fine, Alex, please just stop worrying so much, you're gonna give yourself a heart attack sooner or later. You can't run after her like this for the rest of her life. She's gonna start living her life again and she's a ten year old. She's gonna play and she's gonna go down to the stream and she's gonna go to school. And she's gonna grow older and she's gonna be all pissed because teenage girls don't find it very charming if their older brother follows them every step of their way. It's gonna be okay, I promise," Jo told him pointedly.

"You can't know that, Jo," Alex sighed.

"Yeah, but I'm trying to give you some perspective here and I'm trying to prepare you for what's gonna come. Because by all means, I'm not gonna sleep in a shared bunk with her until I've turned 18 and can get the hell out of here. She's taking up all the space," Jo chuckled silently. Alex smiled.

"Yeah, I know how that feels," he said, averting his eyes. He looked up when Jo yawned widely. "Sorry for waking you," he apologized again, sheepishly. Jo shook her head and smiled a small smile.

"It's fine. Do you want me to put you to bed and rub your back until you've fallen asleep?" she asked him mockingly. Alex laughed.

"I'm not sure I could ever speak to you again after that," he countered, making her laugh with him. It was so easy. _So easy. _

"No, probably not," she agreed, turning around and leaning against the window sill next to him, putting her head on his shoulder, closing her eyes. "I'm so tired," she yawned again.

"You should go back to bed," he told her quietly. He could feel how she was shaking her head slowly.

"I'm gonna stay here until I've managed to get you back to bed," she said matter-of-factly, making him smile. It was weird how they've become so comfortable with each other that he didn't even mind their occasional touches and even more than that, he found himself talking to her rather frequently and often intensively. After their fight before Christmas, he had tried to apologize to her again and again and had tried to explain to her, however, she had cut him off several times, only saying, she understood. Alex had asked himself more times than not, how she could have possibly understood if he hadn't done so himself. They hadn't even known each other that well. But now, they had grown to be so close, all of his family and Jo, that he knew, she could read him perfectly. Probably even better than his siblings ever would. _But then again, he had never once tried to express himself towards his siblings as he did with Jo. He was always gonna be the one who would protect them. No weaknesses, no nothing._ He still tried to put on masks for Jo a lot of the times too but she wasn't to be fooled. It was ridiculous. Alex was a little scared for when school would start up again, for he didn't know how that was gonna go. He really didn't wanna ignore her… it was just… he would give so much away to other people in knowing her… and he just…. He didn't want to do that. It was nobody's business where he lived and what had happened with his family. Stopping the fight against Jo had been hard enough. They both tensed when they heard somebody get up from their beds. "I'll bet you that'll be Aaron," Jo pointed out, making him nod.

"I'll give you that one, I _know_ it's him," he replied, waiting for the door towards the boys' dorm to open up.

"He's following you like a little puppy lately," Jo mused out aloud. Alex chuckled, making her look up at him. "What?" Alex shook his head slightly, closing his eyes and rubbing his face again in exhaustion.

"He's not following _me_, Jo. He's following you. He's hopelessly in love with you. And you've been hanging around Amber and me quite a lot lately," Alex explained.

"What?" Jo scrunched up her face. "That's a load of crap," she countered, chuckling.

"No, it's not," he said. "And he has been hating on me ever since what happened… you know… at the hospital," he whispered even more quietly. He could feel Jo look down in embarrassment. "Don't tell me you haven't realized? Cause you're smarter than that…," he added. When he looked over, he could see her bite her lips and look up at him, using her puppy eyes and making him snicker.

"Yeah... I know. I just thought if I just ignored it long enough he'd… stop," Jo admitted. There was a pause between them before they both turned around for the door had opened and out came… Aaron, looking at them weirdly.

"What are you guys doing up?" he asked them in suspicion.

"Alex is bugging me about Amber," Jo pointed over towards Alex who rolled his eyes.

"Did you actually wake her?" Aaron sounded reproachful. _Oh, Aaron, just ask her out or something. You're making a fool of yourself. _Alex sighed deeply, feeling how Jo raised her head from his shoulder and took a deep breath.

"It's fine, Aaron, Amber was taking up all the space, anyways," she pointed out, smiling at him. She pushed herself away from the window, waddling back towards the dorms. "Good night, guys," she squeezed Aaron's arm in passing, waving her hand at Alex without looking at him. "Try to sleep, no good staying up and risking your vigilance to be impaired tomorrow," she winked before stepping inside the room.

Much to everyone's delight and in favor of Alex' alarmingly high blood pressure in the following weeks of Amber's discharge, she did amazingly well going back to her daily routine and minding her med schedule and also, learning how to live with the HB virus. More than he could articulate, he was proud of his little sister because of how she dealt with everything. And he was so glad that she was still the little girl he knew, the one that didn't get stuck on things and didn't wallow and who'd forget about all the bad stuff and turn everything around to the positive in a matter of moments. This also meant that he was able to go back to his daily routine and his momentary life events as well. Most of all, with everyone being that helpful and supportive about Amber, he had time on his hands to dedicate to his own well-being.

In the spring of 1998 that face carried the name Stacey. She was a junior at their school and he had been making out with her once or twice in the fall already, once at Homecoming and once at one of Adam's legendary senior parties. Now they had been dating for a while and he felt himself relax a bit with every passing day. Springtime made them all busy with school and even though he was still pretty close with Jo and his siblings, hanging out with them every spare second he had besides his wrestling, school and Stacey, he felt like they drifted apart a bit. Not because they didn't want to be friends anymore, they just didn't have the time to talk a lot. They did talk, though, more than he ever did with anyone else. Jo had become his vent and he had become hers and when other people asked, they just shrugged it off as them having nobody else to talk to, which wasn't true entirely. The entire worry about how to treat Jo at school really had been unnecessary as well since Jo hung with a completely different crowd and was always gathered with a dozen other girls, which all were again, followed by at least 20 guys that drooled all over them. Adam hadn't given up though. The more Jo resisted him, the more he seemed to want her.

One day in May, Alex had just gotten himself lunch and looked through the cafeteria only to roll his eyes, seeing Adam sit with Jo and two other girls again, one of which he could make out as Sara, and a couple of guys, seemingly freshmen, all fawning over her. He inhaled deeply before walking over towards them and standing in between Jo and Adam, tapping his foot impatiently.

"Come on, Adam, Jo's not gonna go out with you, how long are you gonna make a fool of yourself?" Alex looked down at him exasperatedly, Jo chuckling. She had put her feet on Adam's chair and looked up at Alex as well.

"But see," Adam pointed at her toes. "She's making approaches now," he told his best friend excitedly, making Alex roll his eyes again.

"Jo, for God's sake, either say yes to him now, or you need to kick his ass or something," Alex looked over at her with big eyes. She just smiled, serving herself with the potato wedges from Alex' tray.

"I've told him every day since I transferred here. It's been 7 months…," she shrugged her shoulders, making him groan.

"Alright, Adam, this is it. I'm just gonna go have lunch without you. Don't piss me off later in telling me I never have enough time for _guys' talk_ as embarrassing as that is," Alex told him sharply, making the girls at the table laugh. Jo who had still been picking at Alex' wedges, wriggled her eyebrows.

"Yeah, Adam, go busy yourself with _guys' talk._ Maybe Alex can teach you how to get with the girls, seems like he doesn't have any problems," she pointed her chin over towards Stacey who had just entered the cafeteria and waved to Alex cheerfully, skipping through the tables and pressing a kiss on Alex' cheeks.

"So, you like how Alex treats the ladies? Is that what you're saying?" Adam leaned over towards Jo, making her groan in frustration.

"Just get lost, will you? You're annoying," she told him, nudging his thigh with her foot.

"Why the hell are you eating off my boyfriend's plate?" Stacey suddenly exclaimed, looking at Jo indignantly. Jo's hand froze mid-air and she bit her lip sheepishly.

"Umm," Jo spat out, not knowing what to say. Alex groaned. They had done so well for such a long time, concealing their connection._ Fuck. What was he supposed to tell Stacey now? _His girlfriend had no idea he knew Jo and also, she had no freaking idea that he lived in a group home. He had successfully covered up his family and home circumstances, just taking her out a lot and spending lots of time at her house, doing the good stuff there. Alex matched eyes with Jo quickly before turning towards Stacey and trying to distract her.

"It's fine, babe, she said she'd eat all my wedges if Adam didn't stop bugging her. So, I tried to get him off her," Alex lied through his teeth, badly at that. Jo snorted with hidden laughter, making Stacey give her a burning glare and Adam get up eventually as well. They walked away, Alex risking a quick glance back at Jo, who mouthed a _sorry _towards him and smiled apologetically. He rolled his eyes at her and tried to keep his chuckles back. _He knew his girlfriend was a little over the top possessive but oh well, she was easy to distract. No harm done. _They spent the rest of their lunch break outside in the yards before the bell announced the end of it and Stacey made a point in kissing him overly passionate before leaving for her class. Alex and Adam were just getting rid of their trays when they heard commotion from over at the basketball court. They walked towards it when Alex could make out Aaron and Jo stand opposite a group of juniors, Jo yelling at the guy that looked to be the leader. He rushed over there, tapping Aaron's shoulder.

"What's going on?" he asked him sternly.

"They talked crap about me and Jo believes she needs to defend me," Aaron rolled his eyes, Alex mirroring him. "I told her not to," he talked in her direction but she wouldn't stop cussing at them which made them laugh even more.

"Come on," Alex told Aaron and tugged at Jo's arm. "Just ignore them," he told her. She glanced back at him madly before getting him off her shirt and exhaling.

"Oh, look, you're taking care of your booooyfriend but now that his older brother has stepped in you're letting it go? How _mature _of you…," they cooed after her, laughing. Jo turned around quickly, balling her fists, Alex immediately putting an iron grip on her.

"Let me go," she hissed at him, trying to get off him frantically. Alex just dragged her with him. When he could feel her loosen up, he let her go and they walked back a few steps.

"I hope you know your precious Karev boys live at the_ dump_," Alex heard the guy yell after her and only watched as Aaron turned around madly which made him lose control of Jo for a second and she had already stormed back towards the guys. He immediately stormed after her, being a lot quicker and stronger than her, pulling her into an embrace from behind so she couldn't run towards them. She was angry, he could feel her tremble and fight against his arms, her hair was everywhere and Alex saw the rage on her face.

"Let me go, Alex," she shot out warningly, raging against him, seeing the guys laugh at them uncontrollably now.

"Oh," they turned around now, walking towards the West wing, "but that'll only make you match perfectly, with you living on the streets, right?" he smirked at Jo cruelly, and Alex felt her slacken. "You little tramp, we all know that you love to tease the boys, don't we, Blittwick?" Alex turned his head to see Adam standing a few feet away, having balled his fists as well. He could feel how his own rage had started bubbling up inside him and he tried to calm himself. _Let them talk. They're stupid fools. They're just trying to push their own reputations on the grounds of bullying others. It's weak. It's pathetic. Just take a deep breath. _"Haven't you heard? She's running the streets just as your little friend _Alex _is. Dirty, _dirty _people… You don't want your girlfriend to be a mad girl, do you, Blittwick?" they pushed it on. _Alex felt a surge of anger and his forehead burnt up. _

"Aaron," he spat out madly, making him stand at his side immediately. "Hold on to Jo," he ordered and his brother did. They both looked at him in surprise and yelped when Alex started running towards the perpetrator and wrestled him down to the ground. The guy started screaming when Alex' fist met with his jaw and people started gathering around them.

"Alex, no," he heard Jo scream.

"Jo, stay, no, Jo, don't," he could hear Aaron yell.

Alex didn't know if he had blacked out for a bit but all he knew was he was seeing red. It was one thing if people trashtalked _him_, it was fine. But there was no trashtalking Aaron or Jo. He wouldn't have it. He didn't even think, he just punched and punched, blood dripping from his fist and he didn't know if it was his or the junior's. Alex heard the commotion around him and at some point he could feel his arms being restrained and when he looked around who had pulled him up, he could see Adam's frantic demeanor, holding Alex' punching arm back while Jo had a tight grip around his middle, pulling him back, kicking off the other guys' feet at it.

"Now, somebody tell me what _the hell _is going on out here?" he could make out Mrs. Miller's voice. _Great, caught by the high school principal herself. _ He looked over at the junior he had battered who gave him a smug face and narrowed his eyes, blood still streaming from his nose.

"Let me go," he hissed at the ones holding him back. Adam did, however, Jo only tightened her embrace. "Jo, let me go," he told her sharply.

"No," she told him just as madly. "You are _so, so stupid_," she whispered, only for him to hear now. "Why did you do that? They're going to put you back into juvie, do you realize that?"

When nobody said anything, the principal marched all of them who were looking like they had been involved in the fight back to her office, Aaron and Adam walking in between the juniors and Alex while Jo was still holding onto Alex' sweater.

"Stop walking me like a dog," he hissed at her.

"Stop acting like you actually w_anna _blow all your chances of a future," Jo murmured back, and he could hear her own rage within her voice. The confrontation within the principal's office was chaotic and nothing but a pointless he said-she said, so they all got punished with detention until the end of the school year and all their legal guardians were notified. Aaron, Jo and Alex sat in front of Mrs. Miller's office for the rest of 5th period until they heard the door towards the hallways creak open slowly and a very angered looking Ms. Morgan entered, steering straight towards them, fuming it seemed. She stopped in front of them, giving each of them a long, burning glare.

"Go back to class, Aaron," she spat out through gritted teeth, still matching eyes with Alex.

"What, why?" Aaron immediately spoke up, confused.

"I said _go back to class_," she repeated, without looking at him.

"No! I was in the fight just as much," he defended himself.

"Just go," both Alex and Jo hissed at him from the side. Aaron didn't move.

"Did you punch another student?" Ms. Morgan finally turned towards Aaron sharply, barking at him.

"No, but-," he tried to explain but she immediately cut him.

"Go to class, NOW, or I swear-," she yelled, making him duck and leave his seat instantly, looking back at them apologetically. There was a long silence, all of them listening to the swinging doors go back and forth with Aaron's departure and staring at each other. Alex wasn't sure what Ms. Morgan was trying to tell them with staring them down but he knew one thing. _He wasn't scared of her. _He was surprised when she cleared her throat at last.

"The e_vil twins, _again, huh?" she said in a voice that was barely audible, rage having accumulated within its every tone. "What the_ hell _did you do that for?"

Alex and Jo turned towards each other, confused. _Evil twins?_ _What the hell was going on? _Jo shrugged and they both turned back towards the group home director.

"So, what do you have to say in your defense?" There was another short pause, when they both waited for the other one to say something.

"You know, Ms. Morgan," Alex started after a bit, looking at her with his still scrunched up face and shook his head.

"We're not scared of you, if that's what you think," Jo finished the sentence, making Alex look at her, asking himself, how in the world she had known what he was gonna say this time. Jo looked back at his confused face and gave him the tiniest smile, making sure Ms. Morgan didn't catch on and shrugged, as if she was saying, _well, it wasn't that hard to guess. _He chuckled slightly, shaking his head and closed his eyes, sighing in exasperation. _What was the old bat going to do with them now?_


	12. Ties that break

The next couple of hours Alex and Jo spent in and out of Mrs. Miller's office. First they'd interview all three of them individually, then they'd go in all together. Later the junior's mother and Ms. Morgan walked into Miller's office and they all tried to make out what the hell was going on. When at last, Jo and Alex were both called in again together, they sat in chairs besides each other, fidgety.

"So?" Jo was the first one to break silence. "What's gonna happen now?" she stared them down thoroughly. Ms. Morgan was resting the side of her face against the wall and Mrs. Miller sighed deeply. Alex' glances flitted in between them, questioningly.

"Mrs. Gregory decided to press charges against Mr. Karev," she pointed towards Alex. He could feel his guts sink and closed his eyes. _Fuck._

"What? No," Jo yelled out but both Mrs. Miller and Ms. Morgan raised their hands to quiet her.

"They're gonna leave everyone else out of it, so you're cleared, Ms. Wilson," the principal pushed on.

"Let me talk to him," Jo told them with emphasis. Alex' head shot up and gave her a glare, shaking his head no. "No, I'm serious, let me go talk to him," Jo begged the principal. "I know him. We can do this a lot easier. I'm not gonna touch him, I promise," she said, not breaking eye contact with Mrs. Miller who looked drained.

"Believe me, Ms. Wilson, I don't like these prospects, either. But I do understand Mrs. Gregory's point of view. Mr. Karev here broke Jonathan's nose and cracked his left jawbone. He's gonna walk away with a lot of pains and he's probably going to be out for a while now," she pointed out.

"Mrs. Miller, I'm begging you, let me go talk to him," Jo repeated stubbornly.

"Jo, just leave it be, alright? I made my own bed," Alex tried to soothe Jo, gesturing with his hand to make her step back. Jo yanked her head over at him, grasping his hand and pushing it away from her body.

"No, Alex, I can make this better," she told him, nodding her head. Alex sighed, looking at the ceiling for he was all out of ideas and to be honest, out of energy.

"Ms. Wilson, just quit talking," Ms. Morgan spoke up for the first time in a while. Jo glared at Ms. Morgan who only looked at Alex and walked over towards his chair and bent down towards him.

"What the hell were you thinking?" she asked him in an obviously passive aggressive tone. Alex just shrugged.

"Ms. Morgan, Jonathan was trash talking Alex' family and myself," Jo tried to argue but Ms. Morgan only held another hand up towards Jo to still her, not even looking at her. The group home director looked something in between furious and exasperated.

"You know, I have _tried _to help you, I really have. I have been trying to pull you through school, I have been trying to get you a family, I have been trying to just… keep you in line. But I can't anymore," she shook her head madly. "You're unfixable," she told him, Alex taking her speech stoically. He could see out of the corner of his eyes, how Jo balled up her fists. "I mean, what the hell were you thinking? There's always going to be idiots talking nonsense, there's always going to be those morons who have no _idea _what struggling with life even _means,_" she told him, wide-eyed and for a second, Alex thought that she actually showed compassion with what he did. Except for the fact that she had to tell him off. Because that was her job. Keep him in line. "That doesn't mean you should go out and punch him. _Until he bleeds,_" she shrieked. "That doesn't keep him from talking trash. And it doesn't benefit your life in any way. And God knows you needed that freaking scholarship. What the hell do you think ISU is going to do once they find out? You really think they're gonna pay for your education there? You really think they let you come in at all after they hear about this? What the hell, Alex? _I can't help you out of this!"_ The woman talked herself into frenzy, straightening up and pacing. The principal had leaned back into her office chair, her fingers intertwined, observing the scene.

"Alex?" Jo asked all of a sudden, and when he turned his head, he looked at a completely shocked face. "You got the scholarship? You made it into ISU?" she looked at him utterly speechless. He only nodded, making Ms. Morgan chuckle.

"Yeah, that's over," she just snorted, putting her face in her hands.

"What? When? Why didn't you say anything?" Jo looked at him, and he thought he could read grief off of her face.

"Couple of weeks ago," he murmured, averting his eyes. He heard Jo huff madly.

"You are _such_ an idiot," she spat out angrily, glaring at him, shoving his shoulder.

"Dude," Alex scrunched up his face. "Stop." Jo panted with rage, it seemed, before she got up and looked at the principal.

"Let me go talk to Jonathan. I swear I will back off if this doesn't work. I promise," she had leaned on the desk between her and Mrs. Miller to shorten the distance in between them. The principal eyed her for a second before shrugging and looking at Ms. Morgan. Alex looked up frantically, glancing in between Ms. Morgan, Mrs. Miller and Jo.

"No, wait, what are you gonna say? He's not gonna back off just because you talk to him," Alex held on to Jo's wrist, making her roll her eyes.

"Trust me, he'll back off," Jo just murmured, trying to only speak for him. He shook his head at her questioningly, trying to communicate via their eyes but even though their eyes were burning into each other, he couldn't read anything off them. Mrs. Miller accompanied Jo to wherever Jonathan Gregory and his mother had been taken and the room succumbed to silence. After a moment or two, it was already broken again when Alex' wrestling coach stormed into the principal's office, infuriated. Alex sank into his chair, sighing deeply and hiding his face.

"What the _hell _do you think you just did to your future?" the man spat with rage. When Alex didn't respond, he bent down to be only inches apart from him. "Answer me, Karev," he yelled.

"I don't know, man, alright? He got to me," Alex flung his hands in the air, growling at his coach. Said one got up and turned around, putting his face in his hands as well, starting to pace up and down, not unlike Ms. Morgan. _Weirdly, _Alex thought, _he had never had that many people actually care about him. Yes, they were all beyond angry and he sure had to make amends. But they all seemed much more desperate than mad. _He startled when after what seemed like ages, the door towards them opened up again and Jo and the principal strolled in together. Alex looked over at Jo, trying to read her face but she only stepped in and leaned against the wall next to the door. The principal rounded the desk and looked at all of them.

"The Gregory's decided to drop the charges," Mrs. Miller announced. Alex' guts dropped. So did Ms. Morgan's and his coach's hands, staring at the principal. Alex' head turned towards Jo slowly, trying to catch her eyes, questioning them. Jo just shrugged and stared back. "You will all be sitting off detention until the end of the school year and if I _ever_ hear or see anything out of the ordinary again until then, I will strangle you personally, Mr. Karev, I hope that's clear," she added angrily. Alex nodded, having widened his eyes at the principal's very inappropriate threat. They all got up and left, quietly. Jo and Alex both followed Ms. Morgan.

"What the hell did you say to him?" Alex hissed towards Jo.

"No talking," Ms. Morgan shot back to them, walking on swiftly. Jo looked taken aback and shared a surprised look with Alex. They drove in Ms. Morgan's car silently and followed her up into her office. "Now," she rasped, once she had lit a cigarette and took a deep breath as if she hadn't tasted oxygen in forever. "Ms. Wilson, this will go on record, I hope you know that," she pointed out to her, Jo nodding quietly. "As for you, Karev," she barked at him. "As I said. I can't help you anymore-," she started.

"I aged out in January, Ms. Morgan. It's not like you can punish me or something. I'm only staying here until the end of this school year and then I'm off to ISU," he told her sharply.

"Wrong," Ms. Morgan told him soberly. Both Alex and Jo looked at her questioningly. The superior took a deep breath and looked down. "As you said, you aged out in January. You're no longer in state care. You receive welfare money and you are on your own. We would have let you stay until you finished high school. For your siblings' sake. For your sake. But this can't go on like this. I can't do anything for you anymore. We can't take responsibility for you anymore. I can't put my behind on the line for you anymore as I have done continuously since January. You need to leave ASAP," Ms. Morgan finished her speech rapidly, as if she was trying to end this conversation as quickly as possible. Neither of them spoke.

Alex had waited for this moment for years. He had dreamed of the moment when he would finally be free, independent of the state of Iowa. When he could finally turn his back on the group homes, on Iowa state child welfare, on Ms. Morgan. He had imagined it feeling like… like a release, he had imagined it being relief. So, when Ms. Morgan had finished her speech, he was paralyzed, for all he could think was _keep your freaking tears in, you're not a 12 year old girl. _Alex stared at the top of Ms. Morgan's bowed head, and when she finally looked up and they matched eyes, he could feel something stab through his heart. _What the fuck?_ Ms. Morgan actually looked upset over this. _What in the world had just happened? _He looked at her in shock, trying to understand. "I'm so sorry, Alex. I wish with all my heart that I would have been able to find you a suitable family," she coughed out before she turned around and opened up a binder, getting out all his things. _"These,_" she steadied herself to the usual barking while putting an awful lot of paperwork into a folder, "are all your documents. Everything you'll need from now on," she said, without looking up, shoving it into his hands.

"Are you actually throwing him out?" Jo spoke up, completely appalled.

"This is none of your business, Ms. Wilson. In fact, you can leave now," she told her quietly.

"No," Jo got up, mad now. "You can't do that. You can't just abandon him," she raged. Alex, who was still sitting paralyzed, observing Ms. Morgan, grabbed Jo's arm without looking to still her. "No, Alex, she can't do that. You have nowhere to go," she tried to make him see.

"It's okay," Alex said, almost as if in trance. "I understand," he said, getting up, never losing eye contact with Ms. Morgan. "Is it okay for me to stay here until Amber and Aaron come home from school to say goodbye?" he asked her soberly. The director nodded curtly.

"You can't be serious," Jo yelled at the director. "He's just a kid," she was out of control now. Ms. Morgan shook her head and sighed.

"But he's not," she finally looked over towards Jo. "He's not a child anymore. He's been legally responsible for himself since January. And child welfare only decided to let him stay because of what happened to his sister. However, Amber and Aaron are most probably going to be placed in a family setting within the next 8 weeks," she announced, looking back over at Alex and for the first time in ages or more like… at all… Alex truly felt gratitude wash over him. Right now, all he wanted to do was hug Ms. Morgan. Not because he particularly liked her. But because he for once realized that she did do everything that was in her power to match kids with suitable families. And he really did believe her when she had said that she had wanted to help him all those years. Granted, he hadn't been the easiest teenager. And he had never worked with the system. Always against it. Now that he thought of it, it was actually amazing just how many foster families Ms. Morgan had found for him. _Seventeen, _to be exact.

"You can't just do that," Jo repeated in a whisper, and when he looked over, he made out her lips trembling. His guts sank again. _And again, she was the one left at the pound. Alright, _he thought to himself. _Get a grip or you are actually going to cry here. _He gulped heavily before tearing away his gaze and looking back at Ms. Morgan for a moment. "Alex, no," Jo grabbed his elbow. "Where are you gonna go? You have nowhere to go," she inquired frantically.

"I'll bunk at Adam's for a while, his folks are decent," Alex shrugged her off.

"No, I won't be able to come visit you there," Jo chucked out, making him laugh for a moment. _It wouldn't be Jo to even joke around in the most inappropriate of situations. _He looked back at Ms. Morgan to finish his thought.

"Thank you," Alex told her, and for once, he did mean it. "Thank you for everything," he repeated, making her nod. She looked like if she said anything, she would cry as well. So, he turned around and walked out of the office for the last time. He immediately went over towards the boys' dorm and ripped his duffle bag from the cupboard, throwing his clothing in thoughtlessly. He ignored the door that was banged open, knowing exactly who it was, still working to get all his stuff in the bag. He startled when he could feel Jo shove him abruptly, almost making him lose balance, getting up in irritation and glaring at her.

"What the hell, Alex?" Jo yelled at him now.

"_What?" _he yelled back.

"Why did you do that? Why did you take that punch?" she glowered. Alex just scrunched up his face, shaking his head and went back to gathering his stuff. _No need going over it again. _"Talk to me," she ordered, sounding like she was about to jump him.

"What the hell do you want me to say? I freaked out, alright? I got mad and I punched him. If I hadn't done it, you would have, so don't act like-," he started out, only to be interrupted.

"Exactly, Alex, I would have and you wouldn't be deep into shit right now," she shouted back.

"Who cares? They dropped the charges, and it's a 50/50 chance they're gonna tell on me at ISU. Knowing my coach and knowing Miller and how she looked at us today, she won't. Because we're the pitiful, poor orphans that get punished by life itself! It's over, Jo, now move over," he shoved her away aggressively to move into the bathroom. Jo followed.

"No," Jo just said. "No, Alex, where are you gonna go? You can't just give up!"

"What the hell do you want me to do?" he yelled back again. "I don't even wanna stay here, so why fight? Why stay here for another month if I can get out now? You heard her, I've aged out 5 months ago. I'm free! I'm finally free, so why do you want me to stay?"

"What about me?" Jo's lips trembled while she barked at him. "_What about me_?" Alex closed his eyes and sighed.

"I don't know, Jo. You'll stay. And maybe you'll get fostered again, like Amber and Aaron. Or maybe not. I don't know, Jo. I can't change anything about that, if that's what you are asking for," he told her, trying to calm himself. They stared at each other for a while.

"You are a jackass, you know that?" Jo nodded at him, her brow furrowing and Alex could make out how she was trying to hold back tears. "I've been fighting with you guys and now you just leave me? Like I don't matter at all? You won't even fight for me?"

"What do you want me to do, Jo? I don't get it. What is it that you think I _can_ do? I'd be gone in less than a month anyways. We've got finals in a couple of weeks and everything after that… it doesn't matter anymore. I'm done with high school. I'm done with this. I'm done, don't you get it? I'd have been out of here anyways, I don't get what you want from me?" Alex yelled at her, even though it sounded more like pleading.

"I don't know. Maybe at least a little hesitancy. One second of wavering, one second of pause. To think about _me. _I just thought… we had grown at least a _little _since Christmas. I really thought we had grown to be friends. And I really thought you'd consider what happens to me if you disappear all of a sudden. But okay, if that's not the case, so be it. But what about Amber? And Aaron? What about them?"

"I'M NOT THEIR DAD," Alex finally lost it all. "I'm not their parent! I can't raise them anymore. Somebody else needs to do it. I'm not responsible for them," he yelled, feeling like everything he had tried to keep in for so long finally made it out. Jo looked at him completely taken aback. They glared at each other for a second. "Look," Alex said, taking a step forwards. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry that you feel like I'm abandoning you. But I would've gone no matter what. And I'm happy about Aaron and Amber finally getting a chance of a real family. I'm so glad, because I can't do it anymore. I'm sick and tired of it. I'm 18 for God's sake! I'm not supposed to be anyone's dad. And you're not supposed to be crying for any of us," he tried to soothe her, extending and arm to touch hers but she flinched away.

"I understand," she said, pulling away.

"Jo," he tried to hold on. "Come on," he asked her to stay but she was already out the door. Alex stood, chewing his gum for a moment before finishing his stuff and readying himself to go. He waited at the gate for his siblings to arrive and when they did, he made quick work of it, telling them he'd stay at Adam's for a while because they needed the beds here. Amber started crying, while Aaron kept glaring at his older brother but he only hugged them both shortly to not let himself be overwhelmed with emotions. He straightened up and took one more look back at the house, seeing Ms. Morgan watch him from her office window, nodding at her curtly, and grazing the whole yard for those deep green eyes but they had left and so did Alex, walking away from the group homes, not looking back once, trying to leave everything behind without stumbling.

[July 1998]

The music blasted through the house uncomfortably loud and Alex could feel the bass vibrating within his body. He thought about how he had always imagined his graduation party. Relief flushed through him when he reminded himself that he was officially done with high school and off to new grounds. But then again, he had imagined it all to go so much smoother. He was glad, he really was, that none of the ones involved had ratted him out to ISU, which was a small miracle, however, he felt bad. He felt bad for his siblings that he had left them so abruptly without proper goodbye, he felt bad for Ms. Morgan to have given her such headaches, and most of all, he felt bad for Jo, who he had hurt beyond belief, he thought. The last month had been torture. Alex had stayed at Adam's, which was cool. However, school was terrible. They all had to study for finals and he barely had the time to even look for Jo around school. On the other hand, he was sure that she was hiding from him. And he missed her company, terribly. He had seen Aaron at school all the time and they had arranged to meet with Amber three times a week. He felt bad for Amber. She was just a kid and didn't understand half of it. She had been so sad, it had broken his heart over and over and over again. Nevertheless, he had tried to look forward. It wasn't how he had imagined his last weeks of high school, but he had finally made it. Momentarily, he really didn't feel like celebrating, though, so he tried to get out of the house unnoticed, passing half naked senior chicks, showing everything off that people hadn't seen yet because _hell, nobody was ever going to see them again, right? _He chuckled humorlessly. Had everything happened under different circumstances _that_ would have been his thought exactly. _Make that last night count. _He strolled down the yard towards the street, settling at a huge tree next to the completely blocked off driveway, fumbling for a smoke. He looked up at the sky, exhaling deeply. _So, that was it, right? He was going to leave tomorrow morning and he wasn't going to come back to this life… _Alex startled when he heard somebody take steps towards him. He closed his eyes and smiled when he saw who it was.

"Hey," he smiled at her insecurely, not knowing if she was going to punch him or if she had calmed down a bit. As Jo walked closer, he only realized how beautiful she looked, _again. _

"Hey stranger," she whispered, looking up at him shyly, having crossed her arms across her chest, tugging at the sides of her summer dress nervously. "D'Stacey loosen her leash enough for you to breathe a bit?" she looked up at him, cheekily. Alex chuckled.

"Stacey broke up with me after what happened," Alex told her soberly, watching how Jo widened her eyes.

"Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't know," she gave him back in surprise. He waved her away, taking another drag of his cigarette.

"I'm not sure if it was the fact that I broke her brother's nose or the fact that she found out I'm a street kid," he said mockingly. Jo looked taken aback. "She didn't even stay long enough to find out I was defending _you_," he chuckled. A second later she looked like she was having an epiphany.

"Oh my God, I knew I know her from somewhere," she exclaimed, laughing.

"How?"

"Oh, I've known Jonathan forever," she waved him away.

"Hey, what _did _you say to him to back him off?" Alex inquired curiously, raising his eyebrows at her. Jo chuckled.

"Ugh, forget it. He just has a really big mouth and there's nothing behind it," she said.

"M-hm," Alex looked at her knowingly.

"_What_?" she asked him in offense.

"Did you promise him…sexual favors?" Alex smirked at her.

"Ew, Alex," Jo made a point in walking over and hitting his chest, making him laugh.

"Sorry, I forgot you're a 15 year old chick after all," he raised his hands in defense. Jo scrunched up her face.

"He's gross," she just said, making him widen his eyes and hike his eyebrows for he hadn't expected her to actually shrug the sexual favors part off but rant about the guy they were talking about. They laughed mildly and succumbed to silence for a bit, fidgeting about slightly. Alex lit another cigarette. The minutes passed and Jo finally looked back at him when he threw the stub on the ground and dampened it with the mud.

"You know, I really wish you'd quit that crap," she told him exasperatedly.

"I can't," Alex told her smugly, getting out a box of mints. Jo scrunched her face up at him.

"Why?" she shook her head in confusion.

"_Because," _he smirked at her. "The breath mint industry would probably go out of business," he added, chuckling. Jo rolled her eyes and joined in. They stood there for another while, not knowing what to say to each other. Alex felt uneasy. He still couldn't figure out how they had left things. Just when he had decided to say something, Jo spoke up though.

"I'm sorry, Alex," she searched his eyes and shook her head. "I went completely batshit crazy on you," Jo bit her lip apologetically. Alex looked at her, seeing the sincerity in her eyes. "I really don't know what went through with me. I just… I fought so hard for you… and all that energy was balled up inside me and I just… all of a sudden it seemed to me it was all for nothing…and then I just… I went nuts it seems," she blushed slightly, looking down.

"It's fine, Jo, really. I appreciate everything you've done for us, really. You've been… an incredible friend," he nodded at her, making her look up in surprise and finding him smiling at her. "I know, my life is crazy… and it's very dramatic it seems… I never anticipated Morgan throwing me out, to be frank. But yeah, in light of what happened… it was probably inevitable. I didn't mean to_… leave you behind _or anything… I just… I couldn't think straight that moment… you know what I mean?"

"Yes, of course. I'm sorry… I have barged into all your lives so… well, unannounced and… as said, something went through with me… I've been trying to calm down ever since," she winked at him, still a little embarrassed. There was another short break.

"I didn't think you'd be here tonight," Alex pointed out after a while.

"Why? Didn't think I was close enough with the in-crowd?" Jo smirked back at him. He laughed.

"Nah," he said. "I just thought… you couldn't care less about all that high school crap… you always seemed… way too mature for that," he murmured awkwardly. Jo snorted.

"Well, I don't know about the maturity thing you're proposing… but yeah, you're right… I couldn't care less about this," she pointed at a few completely wasted seniors jumping in the pool of the yard, half making out, half still sipping on a beer. Alex chuckled.

"Why are you here then?"

"Adam asked me to come," Jo blushed slightly. Alex hiked his eyebrows and let out an amused puff.

"So, he _finally _got you to go out with him," Alex smiled. _Thank God_ he mouthed, making Jo snort.

"No," she shook her head. "It's not like that. He just invited me over cause it's his house. And… knowing that you stayed with him the last month… I… I thought I might meet you here," Jo stumbled out awkwardly, dragging her feet across the ground in embarrassment. Alex gulped. _What the hell was she saying?_ "I mean… with everything that has happened between us… I thought… we'd maybe need a proper goodbye or something… cause," she looked at him now, straight, "I'm not sure you'd have decided to say goodbye at all before leaving for ISU," she singled him out. Now it was Alex' turn to blush.

"It's not that far away, you know," he pointed out sheepishly. Jo chuckled.

"As if you're planning to come back any time soon," she rolled her eyes. He smiled.

"Well," he shrugged his shoulders.

"So, you made it in, huh? They didn't tell on you?" Alex shook his head.

"Nah," then he scrunched up his face. "And for some reason I think I got Ms. Morgan to thank for that," he pondered, looking at Jo with a weird smile.

"God, that woman just… I can't read her… can you?" Jo asked him in amazement.

"No," Alex shook his head wildly, laughing. "I mean, did you see how her eyes glazed over while kicking me out?" Jo nodded heavily.

"Well, but then, it could have always been the thick, disgusting smoke burning her eyes… you know," she told him mockingly.

"True," he nodded, succumbing to a smile. _It had always been easy. So easy between them. _

"Hey Alex," somebody called over to them, startling them both. "We're leaving towards Harrison's. You coming?" Alex looked up in surprise, but nodded.

"I'll be right there," he called back, awkwardly stepping from side to side. Jo took a deep breath and smiled up at him and he could see it was fake through and through.

"So," she glimmered her eyes at him. "This is goodbye, then, huh?" Alex looked up at her, hesitating.

"Yeah, probably," he said, biting his lip.

"Alright," she concluded, seeming nervous. "Goodbye, then," she stated, almost cheerfully. Alex frowned at her. When neither of them walked away, they stared at each other.

"Should we hug or something?" Alex asked her awkwardly, making them both laugh.

"Yeah, probably," Jo answered, smiling. "At least, now it'll be no problem if you won't ever speak to me again because we won't see each other anyways," she mocked him, wriggling her eyebrows. Alex rolled his eyes at her. They stood observing each other before they both chuckled slightly and moved in to hug, Jo tightening her arms around his waist while Alex held on tightly across her upper back, pressing his head to hers, closing his eyes for a second, reveling in the sensation of hugging her again. He could feel himself letting loose instantly. He exhaled, as if he had needed and waited for this exact hug for ages. _Finally, safe. "_Oh, wow, look at us," Jo murmured in a mocking sing-song voice, her lips wriggling pleasantly against Alex' chest before succumbing to silence.

_Oh God, this isn't happening, right? _Alex sighed heavily, when he felt what he had ignored so diligently for the last year or so. _No! Where the hell did all those feelings come from? _He groaned inwardly, feeling how his guts sank and his breath shortened. _I can't harbor feelings for Jo. I just can't. She's Jo. My best friend Jo. She's not someone who you fall in love with just because she's there… just because she's a girl… and so hot… and so amazing… you can't… come on, this is the last time you're seeing her… in who knows how long… maybe this is the last time… for good. Just keep holding her and just breathe. _Alex felt how his forehead burnt up with nervousness and his guts felt like a pin cushion. He felt how Jo's body nestled into his perfectly and he could smell her heavenly scent, making him all dizzy. _Come on, just keep breathing. This is gonna be over soon. Then you can forget all about it and pretend like it had never happened. Like the other couple of times._

A moment later he could feel Jo slackening her arms a bit as if pulling them back, starting to caress the sides of his waist lightly using her thumbs. All of a suddden, having her in his arms overwhelmed him. When Alex pulled back, she immediately bounced back towards him and their eyes burnt into each other, their faces only inches apart. _Now or never. Do it now or freaking never, jerk. _Time was racing but at the same time it stood completely still. He moved his right hand upwards to cup her cheek and he could feel how Jo was tugging at his t-shirt, waiting for him to move. His eyes flitted in between her green ones, the ones he knew so well, but in which he could see so many new things tonight, things he had never seen before, and her slightly agape lips, her beautiful lips, so welcoming, her breaths coming out soft and sweet. He watched her moisten them with her tongue and heard her breathing hitch while doing so, going back to look at her eyes that seemed black now, darkened with... anticipation... glazed over with.. desire? _She seems to be wanting this too, right?_

_You've wanted this for so damn long, just do it already, moron. _Alex inhaled sharply, squeezing her waist, before swooping down, making out how she was closing her eyes and if he wasn't mistaken the corners of her lips tugged upwards slightly and he could almost taste her lips on his when all of a sudden, the headlights of a car shone on them directly and some dudes honked at them loudly, laughing. They both took a jump backwards, detaching from each other, Jo having brought up her arms, one pressed to her lips while the other one looked like it was covering up her cleavage even though nothing was there to be seen other than red blotches. Alex felt his guts clench and how he could only think of how freaking many ideas he had about how to kill those guys ruining the one chance he had to kiss the girl he had wanted for so long. He risked a glance over at Jo who looked at him part embarrassed part completely aghast by how their moment had ended.

"Are you coming?" Some guy yelled out of the car impatiently, making him close his eyes. He nodded, knowing the moment was over anyways and there was no going back even though this was all he wanted. Go back one minute and scratch out his hesitancy before kissing Jo. But it was over now and he hadn't done what he knew would have been best for him, once again. He tried to match eyes with her and when he did, they shared another moment before he walked backwards slowly.

"Bye," he told her, half statement, half question.

"Bye," she just whispered, standing there, like she had just woken up from the best dream she had ever had and realized that her life was actually the freaking _nightmare_ that she was trying to get out of.


	13. Same old, same old

**Part III**

**LET ME TELL YOU A STORY ABOUT A BOY MEETING AN ACTUAL GIRL**

* * *

[June 2001]

Alex pushed his right foot into the gas pedal and enjoyed the feeling of his crappy contraption of a car accelerate beneath him. Alex had always liked driving. Mostly he thought because it was so dependable. You hit the accelerator and it did as you told it, you hit the brakes, and it slowed, you yanked the steering wheel only by an inch, and it would curve you through whatever streets you wanted it to. He liked being in control. Momentarily he was speeding through the streets of Des Moines. He hadn't been to his home town in years and it felt strange. He passed some rundown apartment buildings and thought back to a girl he once used to bang. He passed a gas station and remembered how he had gone there when he was still way too young and had bought cigarettes for him and Adam. He passed his old high school. It all felt weird. It all felt like a dream. He felt like he was in a daze. In a daze when thinking back about having spent most of his life in this town that now felt so unfamiliar to him. But his vision and reactivity were sharp and his eyes only ever left the streets when he would check his surroundings in his side and rearview mirrors.

Alex had gone off to ISU with the soothing knowledge that Aaron and Amber would be fostered in a nice family he had even been allowed to meet before leaving. He hadn't ever come back since his mother was residing at an RTC near Ames and they had met there frequently over the years. Aaron and Amber's new family were unbelievably kind people, understanding, and they had done everything to support his siblings to keep in touch with their birth family. So, there really wasn't anything that had made him go back to Des Moines. It wasn't like he was going to go visit with Ms. Morgan at the group homes or anything like that. It wasn't like there was anyone left he had to visit in Des Moines. So he just hadn't. He didn't feel bad about it, he just… it felt weird to him that he was there now. It really hadn't been his idea or decision either to come now. He had kept in touch with Adam all through his college years, even though they lived miles apart, however, Adam being the person he was, never once failed to call him or contact him some other way. It had also been Adam who had suggested for him to come back to Des Moines on a weekend in June to reunite for a couple of days of partying. He had even offered for him to stay with his family and that's where Alex had just left.

The Blittwicks were good people. Nothing wrong about them. They had welcomed him as if it had been _his_ home before going off to college – which really, it had been, but in a very different sense of meaning. He had met with Aaron right after their arrival, however, he hadn't gotten to see Amber yet and he couldn't wait. He didn't know how that was gonna go, she'd always been the one nagging him most about not coming to see her. She had grown, though, now. She was a freshman in high school and Aaron had just broken to him that she now was a member of the cheerleading team at their new school, the one Aaron had also transferred to after having been taken in by their foster family three years earlier. Alex was still in shock about thinking of his baby sister jumping around and showing off her goods for an entire school to watch and to make gross highschoolers drool all over her. She was a kid, for God's sake. Aaron had just laughed and shrugged it away. Him being a senior now and starting off to college soon, he had changed a lot as well. Alex secretly thought that Aaron had completely risen after Alex had gone off and after changing high schools. As much as Alex didn't wanna admit to it but Aaron had to always have had a pretty exhausting life, spent in the shadow of his bigger brother. When he had met him today, he had noted in all positivity that Aaron had grown up to be a pretty decent guy, being involved in school, having joined a respectable clique, and whatnot. He seemed a lot smoother now. He seemed okay.

So, momentarily, Alex was driving from the Blittwicks, who lived in a very familiar part of town, over to where Amber and Aaron housed, since he had promised Aaron to pick him up for the football game at his new school that they were going to watch. The farther and longer he was driving, the more unfamiliar all the houses and yards looked to him. He had never really been to that part of town but it was quite nice. Aaron had talked to him a lot over the years and Alex knew they enjoyed their stay to the fullest. When his younger brother had suggested going to the game, he had first hesitated but then agreed, realizing that one, there wasn't much you could do in Des Moines anyways, not knowing in the in-crowd anymore, not knowing a lot of people anymore, and two, high school football was a fun thing to watch and games always were a good premise that usually led to hot high school football cheerleading sex. Even Adam had immediately agreed, excited about the upcoming game.

Once Alex had picked up Aaron and they had arrived at Lincoln high school, he felt himself relax a bit. Game nights were always good nights. He liked the buzz that was going on, the excitement across all stands, the superimposed hype going around. They entered the stands and met with Adam before getting themselves some hot dogs and drinks and finding a spot somewhere near the cheerleading section. Alex kept his head up and looked around for his sister, in vain. He was impressed. The football field was huge and the stands were filled to every last seat, the noise almost rupturing his eardrums. He hadn't thought Lincoln had that kind of spirit. Aaron lounged next to him, talking to some guys he was friends with. Alex smirked about his brother's very unfamiliar coolness. It felt good to watch him like that. Aaron had needed to grow up badly. Alex' gaze flitted across the score boards, frowning.

"Is Lincoln playing North tonight?" he chucked out in surprise.

"Yeah, didn't I mention that?" Aaron yanked his head over at him. Alex shook his head, pondering. _He might even still know some people on the team. _Alex had never _professionally _played football back at North but he had at least sat on the bench through most games and he had liked going to the trainings. It had always been a nice enough alternative to wrestling. _Tights and stuff._ Alex rolled his eyes at himself, thinking about it.

"Yeah, Alex, I told you my brother was playing tonight," Adam chimed up, lounging next to him lazily, munching on his hot dog.

"Did you?"

"Did you at all listen to what we talked about this afternoon?" Adam questioned him with a smug smirk, mouthing his last bit of bun and ketchup before rubbing his hands together and wriggling his eyebrows at Alex. "We are most probably going to see the freshmen hotties we used to drool over, having all grown up," he pointed out. "They cheer at away games, right, Aaron?" he yelled over towards Alex' brother who just nodded. "Yes!" he pulled his elbow in to show a score. Alex snorted, shaking his head even though secretly and for nobody else to notice his guts dropped. _There really only was one _freshman hottie _he had been trying to avoid in his thoughts that might change the course of this evening__. Thank God, he couldn't see _that_ girl ever being on the cheerleading team. Not that she wasn't hot enough- oh, just stop going there, already. _

The game passed rather quickly and smoothly with Lincoln taking the victory home. Alex pondered that he probably should feel bummed, with the team having skunked the game against his former high school with a quarterback on the opposing team that wasn't to be joked with. But all he felt like was sharing jokes with Adam who had secretly smuggled in some beer for them and enjoying the sight of the North high school cheerleaders in front of them, celebrating good old times. None of them looked familiar to Alex, though. But that was okay. The view was still grand. They both trailed after Aaron and his guys to go look for some friends they had wanted to go party with later. Alex looked around for Amber who he still hadn't spotted yet and completely missed what he hadn't thought about for the last three beers but had secretly dreaded all night.

"Aaron," Alex heard a very, very familiar voice squeal, immediately closing his eyes, freezing up entirely. Since they were a bunch of people, he tried to stay behind for the better part, hiding. He could make out some bustling and took a peek, seeing Aaron and Jo hugging tightly. "God, how have you been? I haven't seen you since homecoming, is that right?"

"Yeah, you should definitely come see your boyfriend play a little more often for me to get to see you," Aaron sounded out chidingly, but still amicably. _Ouch. Seeing her would have been enough. You didn't even think _that_ far. _

"Yeah, right, I guess that's it. You changing schools forever ago will be ignored in this contemplation, right?" she chuckled. Alex dared another peek when they parted and stopped breathing. _Oh my Lord in the highest freaking wherever, what the fuck? Oh my God, I can't look at her. She looks stunning. _Alex could feel his pulse fasten rapidly and his face color drain. His body tone seemed to slacken and he sensed his arm drop down against his thigh. Aaron's friends had walked on a little seeming uninterested.

"Hey, guess who I brought tonight?" Aaron turned around, pointing his arm back at where Adam was standing, still shielding Alex. He could make out how Aaron was frowning slightly, probably because he was expecting for Alex to stand right there and Jo's gaze following Aaron's pointed finger, laying eyes on Adam, immediately breaking out in chuckles.

"Adam," she said, beaming at him. "Long time, no see," she added, winking at him.

"I think I'm gonna have a heart attack," Adam called out theatrically, suddenly rushing forward and surprising Jo with an uninvited, tight hug. Alex observed her big eyes before he watched her freeze in Adam's embrace, finally catching sight of the now uncovered Alex. They locked eyes and Alex' everything shut down. His auditory system seemed cut off and so seemed his peripheral vision. All he saw was Jo and that she was there when he hadn't expected her and he couldn't have prepared himself and then her being so beautiful, even more than when she was 15 years old, and then her eyes that were still the same as when she was 10 years old, when he had first met her. He just stared at her and as much as he wanted to, as much as he knew that everybody was noticing how they were behaving so strangely, he just couldn't move or talk or avert his eyes. Jo looked the exact same. She had frozen in Adam's embrace. Funnily, Adam hadn't realized and he was probably thinking that she enjoyed staying in _his_ arms for she wasn't moving an inch. Alex could see that millisecond in which her breathing hitched and he could see the small flutter of her eyelashes that she usually did when she didn't believe something to be true. He looked over the crease that formed on her forehead, the one that could express so many things but right now… he couldn't read it. He hadn't seen her in forever. He couldn't read her anymore. _Was Aaron in touch with her? Was she still residing at the group homes? No, she'd have had her 18__th__ birthday a month ago… had she graduated yet? Where was she gonna go to college? Why was she at the away football game? Did she have a boyfriend on the team? He hadn't seen her in forever… since… he hadn't seen her since… their almost... _Alex tried to forcefully end his trip down memory lane while losing himself within her eyes and tried to focus on the moment. Adam pulled back and beamed at Jo who needed a moment to tear herself from Alex' eyes and respond to Adam's excitement with a pretty taken aback smile. Adam took a step back, Jo's gaze instantly snapping back towards Alex.

"Hi," she breathed out, looking like she wasn't even close to believing what she saw in front of her.

"Hey," Alex smiled back sheepishly. They stared at each other, deep in thought. _What the hell are you doing? Don't just stand there! You're making a fool of yourself. They're all gonna realize that there's something between you guys... not that there actually is or was something...or was there? _Alex tried to shut his thoughts up while still scrutinizing her face, searching her eyes. All of his efforts died, as every second he was staring at her, his thoughts grew louder and he could feel his heartbeat fasten. _Do something, jerk. Just avert your eyes. Or take a step back. Or talk to someone. Or say something to her. Just do something for God's sake! _Alex shifted his weight over to his other leg, indecisive. He knew all of this didn't actually take as long as he thought it did. Nevertheless, it felt to him as if they'd been looking at each other for ages. _You need to move, asshole! This is not okay. Why is it so loud? Why can't you just take your eyes off? _Alex actually heard something like white noise in his ears, blinding out everything else around him. _What the hell, man? She's your friend, why are you acting all weird now? You guys lived in the same group home, you guys went to the same school. You had the same crappy cafeteria food and punched the same faces when becoming mad about something. You talked to each other and you teased each other a lot. You laughed a lot. That's all. Why are you acting like you're going to die if she's coming any closer? Why was everything so tense? Why are your hands sweaty and your teeth clenched and why _the hell _are your breaths coming out short?_ Alex felt like he was hyperventilating on the inside while he was completely still on the outside. _Crap. _

"Ugh, see," Adam spat out, dramatically. "I knew you should have dated me back then," he told Jo frantically, but she didn't avert her eyes from Alex'. "Can you feel all that tension in the air? Can you feel the sizzling? Can you hear the silence around us, nobody talking anymore?" Adam rambled, oblivious about anything. Jo blushed slightly and Aaron snorted, making Alex finally break the spell and look over. Aaron chuckled.

"Do _you_ want to tell him or should I?" he asked his older brother, however, even though Alex had turned his head, he was still trapped in his trance. He had heard Aaron alright, and usually he'd be more than pissed about Aaron ratting him out but he wasn't. He only felt... _Jo. _Jo was walking over towards him while Adam was still rambling on without having noticed any changes in the air. _What was she doing? Stop! Stop moving towards me! I'm gonna die. I can't touch you. You can't touch me. _Alex stopped back sharp. _Why wouldn't she be able to touch me? What the hell, Alex? What's going on with you? Just chill. _Alex watched her break out in a huge smile before she basically jumped him and took him into an embrace. Alex sighed dramatically, letting go of every weird feeling he had been harboring inside him and just... appreciate her hug. He had put his arms around her tightly and they swayed together for several seconds before Jo pulled back, holding him at arm's length and examined him.

"How have you been?" she asked him wide-eyed, shaking her head in disbelief. Alex coughed awkwardly when his voice broke.

"Great," he just said, eloquently as usual. Jo chuckled.

"God, how long has it been?" she chucked out, laughing. Alex watched her fascinatedly. _She had always been so confident and easy around people. He admired her for that. Yes, she had hesitated but he really thought that was because she had been in shock before. And now she just... she seemed really excited to see him again. No traces of awkwardness... no insecurity...no nothing..._

"Um," he stuttered. "Three years, I guess," he answered lamely, not having caught himself quite yet. He froze when Jo reached up and held his jaw in a tight grip, looking down at her quizzically.

"I told you, you weren't gonna come visit even though ISU is like a 30 minute drive," she looked at him chidingly, before laughing. "We should have shaken on it, I totally could've made you pay," she said, making everyone laugh and finally letting go of him. "Hey, so, did you see Amber cheer? She's doing pretty well considering...," she started, reminding herself about the bystanders and stopping mid-sentence, looking over at Alex apologetically.

"Yeah, she needs to watch out. I'm gonna put an end to that career as soon as I'll get to her. It's outrageous," he spat out, finally feeling a bit like he's going back to his old self. Everybody else seemed to loosen up a bit as well. Jo snorted loudly.

"_There's _the Alex I know and miss," she said, winking at him. Alex bit on his lip and looked down awkwardly, not knowing what to say. He yanked his head back over to Jo when he heard her yelp lightly and watched in terror how Lincoln's hotshot quarterback had wrapped his arms around Jo from behind and kissed her shoulder and neck. His guts sank. _And that's why he hadn't wanted to come in first place. No, no, NO! His insides had just calmed down! Don't do that to me, don't do it, no, just stop! Stop touching her! God, Alex, stop getting so mad! _Alex was fully aware that Jo and him had ever only shared… well, nothing. _Nothing at all, to be frank. _They had shared a group home, they had shared siblings, they had shared meals and conversations and study sessions with Aaron. Other than that… they had never shared… _anything. _He was fully aware of that. Nonetheless, he hated admitting to it and he really never had…at least aloud… however, it had taken forever for Alex to forget about Jo. To push her down so far inside him so that he now barely thought about her anymore. He had denied himself everything concerning her. Thinking about her, talking about her, letting himself go there to analyze what the hell it was that he had been feeling for her that night… that night when they had almost… when it had happened. Alex looked up from the grey spot of cement he was looking at, trying to black out what was in front of him. _Was it rage or was it just… balled up guts that aggravated his insides? _Alex didn't know.

"So, you are the one that stole the love of my life away from me?" Adam voiced, theatrically, making Jo and Aaron roll their eyes and the quarterback look at him sheepishly.

"Cory, this is Adam," Jo introduced them half-heartedly, making them shake hands. "He was a senior back at North when I was a freshman," she informed him, making her boyfriend grin at Alex' best friend. "You know Aaron," she added, Cory nodding. "And that's," Jo told him, her voice a little shaky and small.

"That's my brother Alex," Aaron finished for her. Cory took a huge step over to shake Alex' hand and grin at him.

"What's up, man?" the quarterback seemed to be pretty careless. "You still in high school?" he scrutinized him.

"Nah," Alex shook his head, giving him a fake smile. He caught Jo's look and averted his eyes. She looked… embarrassed. And he didn't want her to. He didn't want her to look embarrassed. For whatever reason. "ISU," he just told him, making him nod, not ready to give him any more information about himself.

"Alright, babe, I gotta go shower. See you at Kev's, alright?" Alex turned his head away when the guy swooped down and kissed Jo full on the lips. His insides wrenched and it felt like strangling and pouring boiling water down his throat. _Oh God. _Alex wanted to cover up his face. He wanted to vanish in the ground. _He hadn't forgotten about Jo one bit and his insides were raging with jealousy. Don't touch her, man. Can you just… not touch her. Let her go, for God's sake. _He looked over at Aaron who had raised his eyebrows, looking down sheepishly when Alex caught him watching him and Adam stood there, watching the couple shamelessly.

"I'm heartbroken," he exclaimed, and the couple parted, the guy clapping Adam's shoulder with laughter and jogged away, Jo having turned a very unintentional crimson color, obviously feeling uncomfortable. They all looked down awkwardly, not knowing what to say, until finally, Amber squeezed between Aaron and Jo, jumping at Alex full on, squealing into his ear and tightening her arms around him dangerously. _Thank God for little sisters. _He sighed, closing his eyes, and laughed at Amber, reciprocating the fierce welcome gladly. When he pulled her back, he immediately put on a stern face.

"Seriously, Amber, that's what you're wearing?" Amber immediately rolled her eyes at him and broke away.

"Alex, I basically look like a nun," she told him in her best put on teenager voice. Alex gaped.

"Have you… ever… seen a nun? You look more like a…," he searched for a word, every pair of eyebrows within their circle rising.

"I look like a _what_, Alex?" his sister gave him a patronizing smile.

"Well… this _outfit _is way inappropriate for a 14 year old cheerleader. Is all I'm saying," he spat out angrily, instantly making her hug him again.

"Awwww, I missed you too, big brother," Amber cooed, petting his hair, making him roll his eyes now and everyone else laugh. "So," she pulled back from him, looking around. "What awkward moment did I just interrupt?"

"Alex met Cory," Aaron informed her unceremoniously. Amber laughed.

"Ha, I could have guessed that," she looked over at him patronizingly. _Hell, when had she grown up like that?_. "I guess that meeting didn't sit right with Alex," she stated, completely unbothered by Alex' and Jo's increasing discomfort. Aaron chuckled. _Why would Amber say something like that? It wasn't like his siblings had ever picked up on something, right? Ugh, there really hadn't been anything to pick up on! Damnit Alex! You're getting mad about things again that really aren't supposed to bother you at all. _

"Yeah, no," he shook his head, making wide eyes.

"Aw, don't take it too hard, Jo had to entertain herself, too, while you've been MIA," his sister teased him. Alex' and Jo's eyes both went wide, and for the first time that night even Adam scrunched up his face, not understanding what she was on about.

"What the hell are we talking about? Did I miss something?" Adam turned towards Alex like he was gonna punch him. Alex rolled his eyes and shook his head.

"I have no idea what they're talking about," Alex pulled away aggressively, making Amber and Aaron chuckle.

"Yeah, whatever, Alex," his little sister rolled her eyes and then went over towards Jo, hugging her before bouncing off again. "See you guys later," she called back, disappearing in the crowd.

Awkward was the understatement of the year. While Jo and Alex were shifting from one foot towards the other uneasily, looking down to the ground, Aaron felt pretty embarrassed by the tangible tension in the air. Adam, though, really didn't care about it all. He was still in heaven about seeing 'his' Jo again and had already forgotten about the short incident a minute before.

"So, where's this Kev guy? Can we come? Alex and I were wondering…," he started over towards Jo who looked up at him interestedly.

"Actually, Adam, I talked to some guys over by the hot dogs about leaving to go to a party with them," Alex spat out ridiculously, not having been able to think of something better momentarily. _He needed to get away. Badly. He couldn't deal with being around Jo all night._ He watched as Aaron rolled his eyes at him and Adam looked taken aback. Jo's face, though, hurt him the most and he immediately had to avert his gaze. She looked disappointed. Her eyes were wide and her face looked confused. She had definitely realized that Alex was trying his very best to get away from her. _He really didn't want to. He wanted to stay and be comfortable and party with his old friends. But it wasn't that easy. Seeing Jo again was so hard, it overwhelmed him. All the emotions he hadn't let himself feel those past years, not even only concerning her… everything really… how to deal with his siblings and their new family, what to think and feel about his mother, how to dampen the anger that was still raging within him towards his dad…everything… he hadn't let himself go there because well…it was so easy to just… forget about them unless he had someone insisting on talking about stuff… but he hadn't had that in years. And as much as he had missed Jo - he really couldn't deny that anymore - he couldn't open up to her now. It was too random, too public, too short notice… it was just… it didn't feel right. _Alex snapped out of his musings when Jo spoke up.

"Alright, I guess that's it then," she exclaimed a little saucy. "It was really good seeing you all," Jo told them, walking away full of determination. Alex could feel how his insides throbbed. His eyes trailed to her quickly moving figure and he found himself biting his gum on the inside of his lips, pondering. _I'm sorry, Jo. I really do wanna talk to you. I just… can't. But on the other hand... __Alright, Alex. What's it gonna be? She doesn't deserve you treating her all cold-shouldered and you know it. She really doesn't. All she had wanted to do is talk. And joke about good, old times. Or whatever. _

"Go ahead, you guys, I'll meet you at the car. I'm gonna go say bye to Amber," Alex called over towards his brother, tossing him the car keys, mumbling the last bit sheephishly. Adam and Aaron made their way, though, and Alex jogged after where he thought Jo had vanished to._ Don't choke. It's gonna be fine. You're just gonna ask her if she was doing okay and that he was sorry for acting weird, right? It had just been such a surprise. That was all. Right? _Alex wriggled through the crowds, trying to keep his focus on the back of her head. She was moving fast, her demeanor looked... angry and determined when she punched open an exit door and disappeared behind it. Alex took five long strides and followed her down. It was freakishly quiet behind the door, shielding the noise from the stands. Alex slid down some grid stairs, finding Jo at the bottom, startling her heavily for she hadn't noticed him following.

"Sorry," Alex mumbled towards her. There was a short moment in which Jo gave him big questioning eyes, and he saw it in them, s_he wasn't ever going to make another step in his direction unless he initiated something. She was so done with him. _Alex gulped. He really only had wanted to talk to her but the next second, he found himself hugging her, tightly. _WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING? GET OFF HER! She's gonna kill you! _That thought was unnecessary, though, since Jo immediately defended herself, pushing him away, looking at him angrily. The two seconds of holding Jo made Alex feel light-headed from the scent he knew was _just Jo. _The scent that had already driven him crazy that one time... that one time they had almost... _focus on Jo who's glaring at you like she's gonna attack you. _But he so wanted to kiss her. NOW. Nothing he wanted more than kiss her._ Or at least it seemed like that'd be so soothing at the moment. _However, Alex tried to reason with himself. _They hadn't seen each other in forever, they hadn't talked, they had nothing to do with each other, never having had any relations other than… friendly ones. Jo had a boyfriend. And to be frank, he had no idea what he himself was doing momentarily. There was no reason whatsoever that would make it okay for him to be hugging her. Publicly. Especially with Jo seeming to be beyond mad. Come on, say something, man. You ran after her. Now the ball's in your court. _

_"_I miss you," he mumbled. _What? No! Not that. _Jo looked at him in utter disbelief.

"Shut up," she yelled at him, frantically. "Shut the fuck up," her face looked distorted with rage.

"I'm sorry," he admitted, feeling how something inside him had uncapped and he wanted to tell her everything now. _That he was still thinking about her. All the time._

"ENOUGH! I'm so sick of it. I'm so sick of hearing it. I'm so sick of you! You don't get to miss me, asshole. And more than that, you don't get to tell me you miss me," Jo hissed madly. Alex bit his lip and nodded. "You don't get to say you miss me but never once show up," she took a step closer now, thrusting her hands against his chest. "You really don't. You don't get to be nice to me and then treat me like crap the next moment and then expect me to forgive you again and be there for you unconditionally. Expect me to wait for you to have finally decided, _oh, now'd be a good time to let her in. _Wait for you at all? I've moved on! I'm good now. I'm perfect. I don't need you anymore. I might have thought that when you walked out on all of us... I might have thought I needed you but I don't. I really don't. So, get the hell out of here or I'm gonna make you, I swear," she spat cruelly. Alex' eyes widened. _What the hell was going on with Jo? Why was she so angry? Of course, he had been a jackass... again and again...she had always been there for him and then he had left her... all of them... but why wouldn't she talk to him now, now that he was here?_

"Alright, I'm... backing off. I'm sorry...," he murmured. Alex looked up at her timidly, Jo's eyes still glaring at him. She was chucking her right foot up and down, like she was trying to decide about something. She bit down on her lip aggressively and Alex saw how her eyes were glazing over and she dropped her head.

"I hate you, you know that?" Jo spat out, but weirdly, Alex sensed her tone of voice coming out softer now, almost pleading. Alex nodded.

"Are you okay, though?" he asked her, tentatively. Jo nodded, scratching mud with her shoes.

"You'll never change, huh?" Jo looked up at him, seeming more composed now. Like she had all of a sudden found closure. Alex scrunched up his face, shaking his head at her questioningly. "You'll always fight against everyone and everything, huh? I really thought I had you as far as to at least treat people decently. But it seems like going off to college has made you even worse. Now, saying _hi_ and _how are you _are setting you off and making you pull back already? Even towards me? You are so screwed up, you know that?" Alex just looked at her, feeling empty. _How had she seen that one in a matter of minutes?_ "You'll never be able to hide from me you know. So, you'll better stay away for good, alright? I don't have the energy to get punched in the guts every time I try to be nice to you," she advised him. Alex nodded. "You were my best friend, Alex," Jo said, quietly. "And I miss you, too," she confessed. "But I'm not ready to put myself out there and get hurt by you over and over and over again for things I'm not accountable for. _I can't,_" her voice broke.

"I'm sorry," Alex whispered. Jo nodded.

"I know," she said. _What the hell had this girl done to him? Over the years he had tried to ignore all those situations... and he had tried to forget... but it was happening again, at the very moment. He found himself leaving his body and felt like he was just a bystander... not because he had a freakish out of body experience...not because he was crazy... no, because he watched himself act and behave like he just never actually would, at least not with anyone else... he felt so... out of his own character... but with her... everything was different... _All of a sudden, Alex found himself in a now reciprocated hug with Jo. _What the hell was it with them hugging __continuously? _He didn't know who had made the first move or what this was about, all he knew was how good it felt to finally have arrived in her arms. They held onto each other desperately, and all Alex could think was how he never wanted to let go. How they just matched so perfectly. But then images of people started crowding his head. _The quarterback, Adam, Ms. Morgan, Aaron, Jonathan Gregory, the quarterback again. _Alex felt himself pull away by an inch when he sensed how Jo's hands found their way upwards and her fingers entangled themselves in his hair. Alex cleared his throat slightly, before whispering.

"Are you really? Okay, I mean?" He could feel her nod immediately. "Okay," he said, pulling away some inches, Jo's arms sliding down his muscular ones slowly upon parting and matching eyes with him. Alex felt how his guts wrenched and gulped down his unbelievable arousal, he could feel the thick tension in between them and searched her burning eyes. He knew they had unintentionally replicated a situation from three years before. And he also knew Jo had realized it, too, not letting go of him. Alex sighed, trying to do the right thing, breaking eye contact and looking up at the sky, biting his lips.

"You need to take better care of yourself," Jo finally said, pulling away. _At least look down and match your God damn eyes. She deserves that. Again, you have not thought about what you were doing and just did and again you feel vulnerable and awkward but right now, she needs you to look at her and just make her see that you do miss her. You need to make her see that right now, you're not pulling back from her because of you... but you're pulling back because of her... if that made any sense. Because she's your best friend. And she seems happy with... _Alex looked at her eyes burningly and Jo did the same.

"I gotta go, the guys are waiting," he mumbled, pointing his thumb over his shoulder, needing an end to this situation. Jo nodded. They parted and Alex kept walking back slowly, their eyes still matching, looking at each other, connecting... until they were too far apart to make out what or who they were even staring at. But it didn't matter. Because Alex hadn't experienced one night in the last three years in which he hadn't seen Jo's perfect image in front of him, as soon as he had closed his eyes. And tonight, tonight he wasn't gonna sleep because all he was going to think about was _how the hell he had managed to fuck everything up once again._


	14. Face it

[February 2002]

"Mom, come on, this looks really good, just try to at least take a bite," Alex tried to persuade his mother who was poking her fork around some potato dish.

"Don't baby me, Alexander," she snapped back flippantly. Alex rolled his eyes and leaned back into his wooden chair, observing the slimmed down, pathetic demeanor of his mother. She didn't look well. Alex and his siblings had made it a habit to visit with her once every other month, when they all found the time to make an appointment together. This was the third time that month, though, since the doctors at the RTC had requested more support for their mother's deteriorating health. Aaron who was sitting next to his mother sighed heavily.

"Mom, don't be mad, we're just trying to help," he tried to soothe her. Helen Karev looked over at her second son and her features immediately softened, taking him into a side hug.

"Oh, my baby, I'm so sorry I haven't had the time to play with you more lately," she cooed, kissing her son's head and cuddling into him. She was clearly confused about what was going on and where they were… let alone realizing that her kids had all grown up on her.

"Mom, it's okay. Don't fuss. Just have some food, alright?" Aaron tried to tell her now.

"I'm not hungry, baby. But I appreciate your concerns, I really do," she rambled on, completely besides herself, not realizing that she hadn't eaten in a very long time and the doctors were so close to hooking her up with an NG tube. "By the way, your father stopped by yesterday," Helen spoke up again, her voice and mood seemingly chatty. "It was so nice. He brought me beautiful flowers. And he said once their tour was done next month, we will all go to the seaside and take some vacation days. Isn't that nice? Amber will be so excited. It'll do her good to catch some fresh air. They say the salty waters and the winds really help with all kinds of sicknesses. She'll be doing much better afterwards," she stared at the ceiling dreamily. Amber who had heard her name looked up from the conversation she had been having with Aaron's girlfriend Kelsey and cleared her throat. Alex looked over and just shook his head exhaustedly, closing his eyes.

"Mom, I'm right here, I'm doing okay," Helen's little girl spoke up, and the woman turned her head towards her, beaming as if she wasn't realizing at all what was going on.

"Oh, baby, yes, you will be just fine, my darling," she cooed like she was talking to a baby. "We'll have so much fun at the beach, won't we? Your daddy is gonna take us all. Your brothers will have some time to goof off and we'll have so much time to get you all healthy and well, right?" Amber sighed as Kelsey fidgeted uncomfortably.

"Mom, Amber is 15 years old. She's not a baby anymore, she's all grown up," Aaron tried to talk her down.

"Oh, yes, baby, you've always been the one who loved playing make-belief the most. It's so much fun imagining the future, isn't it?" Alex scrunched up his face, realizing just how badly confused his mother seemed.

"Mom, listen," he tried to intervene. Suddenly, her head snapped over towards Alex and her features looked furious, making them all narrow their eyes in wary expectation.

"You don't get to tell me how to live my life! You wanna marry me and then leave me with your two boys that you made and just vanish? Fine! But then you don't get to talk to me like that. I don't take any fucking orders from you, you son of a bitch," Helen yelled herself into frenzy, having pulled away from Aaron aggressively and getting up to tower over Alex. "You fucking bastard. I know you've been screwing that God damn slut! You don't get to tell me how to raise your sons, I'm doing it all by myself. Don't bother crawling back again, I don't want you here. You are dead to me, you hear me? _You are dead to me!_" she spat at Alex. Aaron tried to frantically pull his mother back down to calm her while Alex got up and hit the nurse button.

"Alright, let's lie down for a little while, alright, mom?" he said, trying to stay calm himself. He walked over towards her and squatted in front of her. "It's me, mom, Alex. Dad's not here. He's not gonna bother you anymore, alright? It's just us – Aaron, Amber and me. Alright? You're safe, you don't need to fret, it's alright," he soothed her, hearing two male nurses walk in, immediately observing the situation.

"Alright, Ms. Karev, let's get you to bed for a little while, alright?" the one talked her down in a friendly but firm voice, reaching for her wrist.

"NO!" she immediately yelled. Alex stepped back to give the carers some space to handle her. "NO! Don't touch me! Don't you dare touch me! I'm not gonna go to bed with you again, you can't force me! I hate you, you hear me? I hate you, you fucking bastard! STOP! Don't you dare touch me!" she yelled in complete oblivion of her whereabouts. Both the nurses took her in between them and dragged her over to her bed where they immediately put wrist bands on her to take her out of the danger of hurting herself or someone else.

"It's okay, Ms. Karev, you're going to be just fine. You're here at St. Andrew's residential treatment center; you're not in any danger. It's okay, try to calm yourself, ma'am," the second nurse told her in a loud voice, trying to drown out her frantic words and movements, kicking him away with her feet.

"Sweetie," she yelled over, catching sight of Alex again, finally realizing who he was. "Sweetie, please come help me, they're trying to put me down. They're trying to knock me out, please, help me, Alex," his mother begged with him desperately, tears streaming from her eyes. Alex sighed, rubbing his face.

"Mom, it's going to be okay, I promise," he stepped up besides the bed and stroked her thigh soothingly. "We're just trying to help," he murmured. Suddenly he felt his mom's boney hands grip onto his wrist tightly since he had come too close towards where her constrained arms lay and looked at him with wide eyes, terror reflecting from them.

"He's going to kill me, Alex! He threatened to kill me, he said he'd be after me! He said he'll find out where I am, no matter what! He's gonna kill me, Alex, you need to help me!" she started trembling terribly, talking herself into her own paranoia. "_He's going to kill me!" _Alex noticed how Amber pushed Kelsey out of the room, while Aaron squatted down next to his mom's head and stroked her face.

"Mom, calm down, everything's okay, you're safe, I promise. Alex and I are here to help you, mom, nothing's going to happen to you, I promise, just calm down, please," he whispered into her ear frantically. Alex got up when he had managed to get his wrist from out of her clutch and turned towards the nurse.

"Can you sedate her? Please? She's out of her mind, she can't calm down from this on her own. She hasn't had those paranoid outbursts in forever. She hasn't mistaken me for our father in years. Please, just help her," he begged with the man who looked rather unimpressed.

"Son, your mother has been screaming around obscenities and talking about your father chasing her for weeks now. That's the reason the doctors have requested more frequent visits. To try to bring her back to reality. This is not something we don't know about," the employee of the RTC informed Alex, who was taken aback completely.

"The doctor told me that she had ordered us here to get her to eat," he pointed out weakly, realizing that that had only been a ruse. "She lied?"

"Apparently so, I wouldn't know anything about it. It's not like it's a lie, though, she has stopped eating days ago," he reported dutifully.

"So, why the hell are you still standing around here? _Get her the freaking tube_," Alex yelled. "She's gonna starve. It doesn't surprise me she's hallucinating my dad again when she's completely drained of energy. She needs food in her systems, you idiot," he spat.

"Alex, stop it," Aaron got up and tried to hold Alex back who seemed to have gone from 0 to 180 within a split second. "They're doing everything they can," he said.

"BUT THEY'RE NOT! THEY'RE INCOMPETENT, CARELESS, IGNORANT BASTARDS. _Do you wanna leave mom within their hands? She's not eating, did you hear that?!" _Alex only worked himself up more. Meanwhile, the other nurse had come back in with a doctor who looked taken aback by the scene in front of him and immediately swooped down to sedate the woman and then looked up at the men standing opposite each other.

"I'm gonna ask you to leave this room, Mr. Karev," the doctor told him calmly. "We can talk about anything else once you have calmed down and you're ready to go through options of further treatment with your mother," he said. Alex looked at him madly before taking long strides towards the door, banging it open and leaving the room, passing by a pretty freaked out looking Kelsey who was consoled by his 15 year old sister who gave him a mad glare. When he had exited to the porch, he started pacing, trying to get his rage in check. _Ugh, fuck. How had he overlooked his mother's deterioration that badly? What were they gonna do now? _

He lit a cigarette, something he hadn't done in a while, and looked out over the amazingly huge grounds of the RTC. It was freezing out here, however, Alex couldn't care less. It gave him an ulcer when thinking about the helplessness he felt inside him about how to go forward from this. He pricked his ears when he heard the patio door squeak open and listened to the soft steps that were taken towards him. He kept staring out in the parks when Aaron stood next to him, hands shoved into his pockets, keeping silent.

"Did she go to sleep?" Alex asked after a moment of quiet. Aaron nodded once he looked over. They matched eyes, sizing each other up before Alex exhaled slowly, closing his eyes at it. "How long has she been like this?" Aaron shrugged. "Did you notice?" He shook his head. "Are you gonna say anything at all?" Alex barked at his younger brother in annoyance.

"I'm not sure if there actually _is _anything to say about this…," Aaron said stoically. "We've known where this was gonna go for ages. There's no coming back from this," he concluded. Alex hesitated before nodding. He turned around, leaning against the banister and put his face into his hands, rubbing it in exhaustion.

"So," he started up again after a while, trying to distract. "How long have you and Kelsey been seeing each other?"

"Couple of months I guess," Aaron shrugged it off.

"And you're already bringing her to see mom?" Alex asked him unbelievingly. Aaron shrugged again.

"She's been nagging us for years," he just replied.

"So, what? She's saying it but the next moment she doesn't even know who you are… you shouldn't have taken her seriously. Mom's in a terrible state. I didn't think you'd actually want to bring in an even bigger audience to her decline," Alex stated madly. Aaron rolled his eyes.

"Kelsey knows about everything. I told her. And she wanted to come and actually meet _you_ for once. You know… with us never getting to see you other than here," Aaron pointed out. Alex looked at him, pondering.

"How's Amber doing in school?"

"She's fine," his brother replied dutifully.

"How's the HBV?"

"Okay, I guess. She's having another round of liver observation in April. She's gonna be hospitalized for the better part of spring break. You might wanna come visit, you know? She'd want you to be there," he suggested. Alex nodded slightly. "She counts on you for decision making, you know. She always has. You're so good with the medical stuff…," Aaron rambled on.

"I'm no doctor," Alex just said, rather sharply. "_Yet," _he added insecurely. This made Aaron look over at him.

"What do you mean by that?" Alex looked over at him hesitantly before sighing deeply.

"I applied for Harvard med school," Alex opened towards him. Aaron's eyebrows shot up.

"You did?" he gaped. "Wow, that's a pretty competitive target, don't you think? I mean, I totally root for you, you've always been awesome with… you know… all the stuff that I guess you need to go into medicine… I just have no idea _how_ good you actually have to be with that kinda crap," he chuckled.

"I made it in," Alex told him indifferently. There was an awkward pause in which Aaron yanked his head around towards Alex and wiped off the smirk on his face.

"Fuck, Alex, that's… that's awesome!" he said. "Congratulations, man, that's amazing news," he added, moving over to hug his brother, clapping his back amicably. Alex smiled sheepishly.

"Thanks," he rasped, awkwardly though. _It did feel good to share the news. _

"I didn't even know you wanted to go into medicine… I mean for real… you always liked it, I guess? Right? I mean you and Jo always read up and discussed about crap like that, didn't you?" Aaron let that one slip out easily, and Alex felt the quick stab in his stomach when hearing her name. He nodded curtly. "Man, that's awesome. I can't believe it. Have you told Amber yet? She is gonna _freak,_" he rambled on. Alex smiled and shook his head no, thinking about his baby sister and her pure joy for everything good in life. They stayed in silence for another while.

"So, how are you gonna pay for _Harvard_?" Aaron spoke up after a while, scrutinizing his brother. Alex bit his lips and sighed.

"Student loans," he pointed out. "I'm not gonna let you guys down with mom. I have it under control, alright? I got through college on my scholarship and have been putting aside money. If there's anything she needs, we'll have spare money, alright?"

"That's fine, Alex, that's not why I'm asking. I know you have it under control. I mean, I can't even tell you how grateful I am about everything you've done. I don't even know _how _you managed to do all that… with going to college and all. I mean with Amber and me... the Perrys really paid almost about everything. You never had anyone helping you out financially. You did awesome, you really did. Don't count the pennies now. Go get your ivy league education, you deserve it," Aaron clapped his back again. Alex' gaze rested on Aaron's face, pondering about what he had said. _He had done pretty good for himself, right? Not as good as he had hoped for it to be but he had done well. Nothing he could do for his mom other than make sure she gets all the necessary treatment and care she needs and pay the medical bills. And nothing more he could do for Amber, either. _

"So, have you thought about it again? Don't you wanna go to college? I mean… you said it yourself, your foster parents would totally cover all expenses…," Alex touched the topic tentatively.

"Nah," Aaron waved him away. "I thought about it, I really did. Jo kept pestering me for months. She still tries to do it occasionally. But no, I don't think that's where I see myself. I have a good job now, a respectable one. I earn good money. I'm happy. I'm happy right where I am. I don't wanna go to college. At least not right away. I never said never, right?" Aaron told him with a smile. There was another pause.

"So, you're in touch with her?" Alex informed himself, instantly chastising himself for even asking. Aaron nodded.

"Aren't you?" he asked, looking at Alex piercingly. He shook his head.

"I don't think she'd want to keep in touch with me," Alex said. "I screwed that one up pretty bad," he admitted. Aaron eyed him for a moment, waiting for elaboration. "Anyways, I wouldn't even know what to talk to her about," Alex put on a fake chuckle and waved the thought away dismissively.

"Yeah, whatever happened between you two?"

"Nothing… nothing really," Alex said, quietly though.

"Oh, _bullshit_," Aaron laughed. "I mean, I don't know what's going on between you two, and I know that you guys were always at each other's throat but you can't tell me that you go from being attached to each other's hips to _we couldn't care less about each other_," Aaron laughed.

"What do you mean by that? Attached to each other's hips? What's that even supposed to mean?" Alex barked back, making his brother roll his eyes at him.

"Oh, come on, don't pretend. You guys couldn't take one step without each other. You may have ignored that yourselves and you may have pretended to hate each other but you always looked at each other for approval and you'd always spend hours and hours talking to each other, teasing each other, you'd sit with each other at dinner every single night without a miss. You stayed up late at night to study and then succumbing to discuss freaky medical stuff together. You'd constantly fall asleep on the couch together only to get chased away by Ms. Stipler. You freaking stole that birth document from Ms. Morgan's desk for her. You fistfought guys for her. I don't wanna suggest anything here that's not the case but you guys were so much more than friends. And you know it," Aaron concluded. Alex looked at a spot somewhere a little farther away to avert his eyes and tried to unblush. _When had Aaron started talking about Jo that casually? That Kelsey surely did him some good… And to be honest with himself, Aaron had managed to achieve closure a pretty bit earlier than he had. Which was not yet at all. _Alex sighed and looked up.

"You knew about that?" he started up again. "The birth document I mean?" he added when Aaron shot him a teasing grin.

"Yeah," Aaron replied, looking at him almost patronizingly. "We knew about most things. I know you think that Amber and I were just kids when everything happened... but just to remind you, Jo and I will always be the same age. Amber's only 4 years younger than I am. We pretty much watched everything you guys thought you hid so well," he pointed out.

"We were friends," Alex stated, making his brother chuckle.

"Uh-huh," he observed him mockingly. "Whatever makes you sleep at night," he snorted. _What the hell? He had really thought until now this had been his dirty little secret. _

"What? _You_ were hopelessly in love with her for years, that wasn't me, that was you, man," Alex told him cruelly. Aaron looked down, still smiling.

"Yeah," he confessed. "That's about right. I was obsessed with her. But she didn't even see me. She only saw you," Aaron looked up at Alex and awaited a reaction. Alex scrunched up his face and shook his head. _His head was dizzy with confusion. Everything Aaron was talking about felt like lies... or a bad dream. How in the world could he or they think like that if he himself hadn't even realized for the longest time? I mean, yeah, he had... deep down, of course he had. But he hadn't realized that... that they had had a _thing _or something... he hadn't ever realized that those squished down feelings might have been mutual... not until that one time beneath the tree... and even after that he wasn't sure what to think about it. Anyways, all of that didn't matter when talking about facts. And fact is and was..._

"We were _friends. _She was good to talk to. That's it. And you know that what you just said about her never seeing you… that's not true. She cared so much about you, I couldn't believe it sometimes. She cared so much about Amber, too," Alex pointed out.

"Oh, I sure hope she still does," a female voice from behind them intruded their conversation, making them both startle. Amber walked up behind her brothers, smiling, before hopping up on the banister and sitting there, holding steady with the help of her feet. Alex rolled his eyes. "I'm guessing you were talking about Jo?" she winked at Alex before side hugging Aaron for some more stability. Aaron nodded. "Are you finally over the _I'm pretending Jo never existed in my life and nobody is to talk about her in my immediate vicinity_ phase?" she mocked him heavily, making him roll his eyes but blush the tiniest bit, unfortunately.

"I never said you guys can't talk about Jo," he stated, trying to get the angry out of the tone of his voice but didn't quite manage. Amber laughed.

"Yeah, right. Cause you handled all that so well?"

"I have no idea what you are talking about," he frowned and shook his head in irritation. "I just thought Aaron hadn't gotten over her yet so that was a… sensitive topic," he added, trying to distract from the matter at hand.

"Oh, now you're being the sensitive one? How cute," the girl spat, laughing. "Aaron had a little crush on her but that has long been done with, right, Aaron?" she turned over towards him, wriggling her eyebrows merrily. Aaron joined in and nodded. They both seemed to be genuinely okay. Alex couldn't help but smile, even though all he wanted at the moment was bark something nasty at them and run. Seeing his siblings that happy and carefree, though, it actually topped being mad at them for ratting him out. "It's you… that's never gonna get over her, isn't that right?" she looked at him knowingly.

"Again, I don't know what you guys are talking about," Alex told them dismissively.

"Yeah, whatever. We're all just imagining things. I guess I have been imagining things my entire childhood… and then I imagined you guys drooling all over each other that one time last year at the game… and then I probably imagined Aaron telling me how you guys parted… all angry and awkward because you were _jealous _of her hot boyfriend. Yeah, I guess, I must have imagined all of that," she said, her voice dripping with sarcasm.

"You have no idea what you are talking about, Amber," Alex told her sharply, making his siblings both burst with laughter. _What was it with them that they just couldn't let this go? What was with him and Jo was between him and Jo. And it wasn't like there was _anything _between him and Jo. Except for him longing for her. But that was something that nobody knew about. And nobody would ever know about. He had plenty of girls to distract himself with. It wasn't that hard. _

"Hey, so, have you talked to her about when she's coming home to visit?" Amber had turned towards Aaron now.

"Nah, she said probably not until summer break. You know, she needs to work and stuff," he replied, making Amber nod.

"Bummer. I kinda hoped for her to come in April. It could have been such a fun time at the hospital if she had been there. Oh well," she said, turning back towards Alex.

"So," he started slowly. "Is she going to college or what?"

"She's a freshman at Princeton, actually," Aaron told him with big eyes. Alex was taken aback. _Wow. Not bad. She had done well for herself._

"That's… amazing," he spluttered.

"Yeah, it really is," they both agreed. There was a short pause when they all succumbed to their respective thoughts. Alex jolted slightly when Amber nudged him softly. "You know," she said, hesitantly. "You should call her sometime," she suggested slowly. "I think she'd really appreciate that. She misses you just as much," Amber pointed out.

"I don't miss her," Alex immediately spat out.

"Ugh, I'm not even surprised about how Jo doesn't enjoy talking about you anymore. You can be such a jerk," Amber ranted, making him frown.

"Why would you talk about me?"

"Because you're my brother and we all grew up together. People talk about people they care about. That's why. But she doesn't really join in anymore when I rant about you," she winked at him. Alex didn't say anything. "You know, Alex, Aaron and I couldn't care less what is or was between you and Jo. And even if we're wrong in thinking what we're thinking and you have genuinely only ever been friends… it's still okay to miss her… I mean… you told Jo every tiny bit of your life for at least an entire year… it's hard not to miss that. And I don't believe you actually have other people you talk to about serious stuff you know… and the same goes with her… she does talk a lot. Just not about… big stuff. She likes to keep quiet about that. And I know for a fact that she doesn't talk to anyone else about that, either… so yeah, I'm just saying… without you blowing up on me right now… it'd be more than okay to just call her. Nobody cares, really. The only ones who care will be you and Jo…," Amber told him softly. Alex looked down, biting his lips. _Why the hell did they know all of a sudden? Had Jo told them stuff? No… it didn't really sound like it… it really only sounded like… they were very observant… have always been… which was surprising to him… he never really thought about his siblings being people to watch silently and never speak up. He didn't wanna talk about it anymore, it tired him. But he didn't wanna anger them, either. _Alex reached into his pocket and took out a cigarette, lighting it. He took a couple of drags before clearing his throat. _He hated to lie. But sometimes it sure made people shut up._

"Yeah," he said, realizing from the corner of his eye how surprised both his siblings looked, "maybe I will."


	15. I dare you

**Note: **GA mentioned Alex going to state school. Since he went to ISU for college, I guess that's where he did med school, too. Him going to Harvard was purely for this story's purpose...same as making Jo grow up in Iowa instead of Boston!

* * *

[March 2005]

It'd been 1348 nights since Alex had last seen Jo and finally, _finally _he had gotten rid of her image that he had been nursing before his eyes every single time he closed them at night. It wasn't like he didn't think about her at all anymore, he was just over it somehow. At least that's what it felt like. Or maybe it was because they hadn't seen each other in almost four years, maybe it was because he hadn't heard anything about her from his siblings or whoever in a while, maybe it was because he was almost done with med school and his life was definitely picking up now. Maybe everything together let him look at the bright side of life a little more actively and forget or at least accept the less bright side for a little bit. And once he had stopped staying up at night to think about what else he had to deal with in his crappy life, Jo's soothing image came to him less and less. He still liked to think of her, she'd probably always be one of the few most important people in his life but the heartache had stopped. At some point he had just realized that he had been running himself into something. He had been a teenager, so had she. They'd been friends, best friends, and yes, there was more between them than he had been able to grasp and then accept for a long time. But all was good now, all was just perfect.

It had been 1348 nights since Alex had last seen Jo. So, it came as a shock to him when she suddenly appeared again, while he was making out with a second year at Friday night's party heavily. He shook his head lightly to get rid of the beautiful brunette in his mind that looked all joyful and carefree almost, and pulled his lips back from Sarah's neck to attach them to her mouth. The only thing that made him stop was the fact that he was able to hear Jo's voice clearly, laughing and joking. _Now, _that_ makes you crazy, Alex. You're over her, remember?_ He pulled back from Sarah's lips, making her even wilder since he seemed to be teasing her even though Alex was just trying to not kiss her anymore since he felt a lump rise in his throat. When he bit down on Sarah's neck and his eyes flitted over the crowd, he stopped short. _That's Jo. Oh my fucking Lord, that's Jo. For real. No hallucination, that's her. What's she doing here? _

Alex pulled away from his entertainment for good and pushed her out of the way, not glancing back at her once. He could hear her fuss and curse him but he didn't care. He walked swiftly over towards Jo who was talking to a girl he didn't know but looked like she was Jo's age and one of those fancy pants school guides that were all wearing cream-colored slacks and light-blue button up shirts showing off golden cuff links, not unusually with some family armor embossed, with a navy blue sleeveless sweater on top - at a Friday night student party one should mention – that were all studying a year under Alex. The closer he walked up towards who he had made out to be Jo, the more Alex had to smile. _Was it really her? Or was he imagining things? And why was he all of a sudden that okay with it?_

"Jo?" he grabbed the girl's elbow gently, making her spin around in surprise. _It was her. Oh my God, it was her! _Alex couldn't help but beam at his childhood best friend. _Maybe he had finally grown up, maybe he had gotten some closure. _

"Oh my God," Jo only whispered under her breath before she mirrored his facials and they practically flew into a tight hug, embracing each other desperately.

"Oh," Alex could hear Collin, the tour guide. "So, she knows Alex Karev," he heard him say in a disappointed tone of voice. He frowned but really, he didn't care. _Let him talk. It felt so good to hold her in his arms. So good. He hadn't been able to remember clearly, however, now that she was in his arms, he never wanted to let her go. It felt so good. She was here, in Boston, and he didn't know why, but he didn't care, all he cared about was that she was in his arms. Her hair was soft as ever against the side of his head and her scent would never change and the fact that it made him light-headed wouldn't either. _Alex pulled her back slightly, looking at her face.

"What are you doing here?" he asked her wide-eyed, still smiling widely. "I thought you were going to Princeton?" Jo's eyebrows shot up and she laughed.

"I am," she said. "I didn't know you knew about that, though," she winked at him.

"Yeah, well, people talk," he smiled back. She nodded at him.

"I can't believe you're here. I can't believe you're here, for God's sake," Jo punched him lightly, before pulling him into the hug again, swaying and Alex felt how she put everything into the hug. All the same things he wanted to and he hoped she sensed them, too. _How much he had missed her and how sorry he was about how they had left things and how he really didn't know what to say but he was just so glad to see her again. _He pulled them apart again.

"_So," _he urged her. "What are you doing here?" She chuckled slightly.

"I'm visiting Harvard for their medical school," Jo told him quietly, blushing a tiny bit. Alex' eyebrows shot up immediately.

"Seriously? You're gonna go to med school?" he questioned her, feeling almost elated. She nodded.

"That didn't seem too far-fetched to me regarding my interests and… grades, you know," she explained. Alex nodded.

"I bet," he said. "Hey, do you wanna go grab a beer or something?" _It was so easy. It was so easy if you just kept calm and didn't let yourself get bothered by your insides. He almost looked down in embarrassment when thinking about four years before when he had made the worst fool out of himself. _Jo nodded and smiled.

"I'd love to," she said. She turned towards the people she was talking to earlier and let them know before they walked over to the makeshift bar and Alex got a couple of beers for them. Since the house was completely crowded and the party was loud and pretty smelly, they decided to get some fresh air and walked out on the back porch, sitting down on the steps that led to the backyard, opposite of each other, both leaning against the banister, still smiling at each other. Jo was the first to break and she burst out laughing, shaking her head in disbelief.

"I just… I can't believe this," she said, making him nod.

"Yeah, it's been a long, long time," he nodded, smiling sheepishly at her now, knowing that he had just indirectly referenced their last meeting. Even though he tried to look down, Jo matched eyes with him and smiled at him amicably. _She was telling him to forget about it. Wow, where did that come from? How was he still able to read her eyes like that? _

"So, you never got around telling me what _you_ are doing here? Do you live here now? I mean, of course, you'd been done with college in forever now but you moved to Boston? I wouldn't have thought… with everyone, you know…," Jo rambled on, losing herself in the delicate topic she had just brought up. Alex grinned.

"Guess," he told her, his eyes glimmering.

"What?" she scrunched up her face at him, still smiling though. Slowly but surely their shared excitement was getting a little ridiculous.

"Guess what I'm doing here. It's not that hard to guess, either. I mean… well, maybe it is… I'm not sure," he looked up, trying to decide. He looked down at her when she laughed merrily, narrowing his eyes.

"Don't tell me you're going to med school, too," she inquired between giggles. He smiled at her and wriggled his eyebrows cheekily. "What?" Jo burst into another fit of laughter. "That's incredible, Alex, I can't believe it," she said, giving him wide eyes.

"You sound like you didn't think I could do it," Alex pointed out reproachfully. Jo laughed and closed her eyes, shaking her head.

"No, no, not at all. It's just… we haven't seen each other in _years_ and then we meet again and now we realize that we both seem to be taking the same path in life," her eyes sparkled. "I'm just… I'm speechless. This is so crazy," they both succumbed to chuckles.

"Yeah, it kinda is," he agreed. After a moment of comfortable silence, Alex spoke up again. "So, what made you decide you wanna go into medicine?" he asked, interestedly. Jo raised her eyebrows in reply.

"Um," she coughed, theatrically. "You?" she looked at him like he had asked the stupidest question of all.

"What? How?"

"Oh, come on. With everything Amber went through and all the time we spent accumulating knowledge about how to help her… with watching her get better and then deteriorate again, that doesn't seem too far-fetched, does it?" Alex shrugged, making her roll her eyes.

"Well," he answered after a while. "For what it's worth, I'm totally rooting for you. You'll love it. You'll do so well, I can totally see you as a hot shot doctor some day," he gave her a good-natured wink. Jo smiled again.

"Rightbackatcha," she said, before hesitating a bit. "I'm not sure, though, yet. I'm kinda scared… I mean I made it through college fine. But med school? It's pretty tough, I hear… I'm not sure I'll be able to pull through…," she voiced her cares slowly, biting down on her lip, seemingly looking at him for reassurance.

"What? Bullshit! If I made it through, you'll do even better," Alex retorted, waving it away. They looked at each other and Jo sighed.

"I don't know… it's just so…," she trailed off, thinking.

"What? What are you scared of?"

"I'm not…. I'm not sure if I… um," she stuttered, trying to shape words out of her fears. "I just don't have a safety net, you know what I mean? All those years in college… I kinda felt like… I felt like I was walking a tightrope… with nothing to catch me if I fall," she looked up at him, trying to make out if he was following. Alex frowned at her, nodding for her to elaborate. "What I'm trying to say is… I mean, you know, I never had a family… so I don't have anyone to bounce back to if anything happens. I don't have any savings. I just… I don't have any room to make mistakes, you know? I just… I feel like… especially at Princeton… people just… they don't even appreciate the top notch education they're being provided… they don't even see how valuable the time at a school like that is… they all couldn't care less, I tell you… it really doesn't matter what they do or how many mistakes they make… they just… they have a safety net… and I don't," Jo explained, completely engrossed in her wild thoughts. They sat in silence for a bit before she looked up at Alex. "I'm sorry, I don't even know where that just came from," she laughed awkwardly. "I've never really voiced this thought… even though I think I have been harboring it for a while now… I'm sorry I didn't wanna go that deep…," she blushed slightly. Alex looked at her hesitantly, trying to consider what would help her most.

"It's not about them, though, you know," Alex pointed out for her. "Med school, I mean, it's not about them….," he sighed, trying to… connect. "It's tough in med school, it is. Cause, in my case, you know I grew up in a hell hole and I don't really have a whooping support system, let alone financial support. And I've already had my difficulties pulling through ISU. I mean, I had the scholarship and all…and I'm grateful, really, I am. I couldn't have ever done it without that. But there's so many medical bills I continuously have to pay for mom and you know… life just kept happening and it's not like you don't need any money besides tuition. So, I kinda had doubts coming here as well. _Especially, _applying for Harvard. Suddenly, being level with all the fancy pants rich people. The ones we used to laugh about, you know?" Jo nodded at him with an insecure smile, completely focused on what he was saying. "So, yeah, it was pretty hard arriving here. I grew up in completely different worlds than most people here did. Sometimes I feel like… this will sound kinda weird," he chuckled helplessly. "I feel like I still got some of that _ghettoness _within me… you know… I talk differently than most people here, and I have an attitude that you know about all too well and now I'm competing with a bunch of private school kids that are… they're ruthless, let me tell you. At Harvard, you're supposed to read like a hundred pages a night and then you're supposed to be logging skills lab hours and you're supposed to be gathering experience. And at some point, I was thinking, you know, maybe I wasn't cut out for all that… maybe I was just really good at stuff in high school… things came easily to me… but here, I definitely realized that public school kids are just _behind. _Especially if they don't have a support system – emotional or financial. I did absolutely horrible that first year. I almost folded, I almost gave up. But you know… I pulled myself together and I took internship after internship and it made me be more confident about things… I learned a lot and I… I just wanted to succeed… because from the very beginning of Amber's sick days… I just knew… I had to do something with myself to help people out of their miseries… and soon I will. So, yeah, there's so many things to be scared of here… But you can't be scared of the people that you might meet… you need to be respectful of what _you _might or might not be able to achieve. I promise you it won't be easy. But if someone can do it, then I promise you, it'll be you," Alex concluded. They sat in silence for a moment, digesting what had been said, their eyes burning into each other. After a second, Alex smiled sheepishly. "Sorry," he mumbled. "I didn't mean to go that deep," he repeated Jo's words from earlier on, making Jo giggle. She sighed before speaking up again.

"Thanks, Alex. I needed that," she said. "I didn't know you majored in _pep talk_, though," she added teasingly, making him roll his eyes. "So, have you been accepted into any programs yet? Or is it still too early? You're finishing this year, right?" Jo crossed over to small talk smoothly.

"Nah, it's a little early. I put in some applications. I'll most probably do Mass Gen if they take me… I already did some summer internships there. They have an amazing surgical program," he said.

"You're going into surgery?"

"Yeah," he smiled, blushing again. _What was it with his 12 year old girl behavior today?_

"Wow, that's pretty awesome. I've been thinking about that, too. I mean, I know it's early, I haven't even been accepted into any med schools… but you know… then again, I was thinking, it takes so _long_," she pondered.

"Yeah, but then you'll do hardcore work later, I can't wait, really," he exclaimed while looking after a girl he had met a few months ago and had played hot and cold with, winking at her. Jo chuckled.

"You're still the player you've always been, huh?" she smiled at him playfully. Alex snorted.

"How would you know about that?" Jo rolled her eyes at this dramatically.

"I'm not dumb, you know. I might have always been three years younger than you, and I always will be, I promise," she pointed out, chuckling, "but it wasn't like I was a baby when you were going through high school," she told him matter-of-factly. Alex nodded slowly, grinning awkwardly. "It was kinda ridiculous how girls kept flying at you, you gotta admit that," Jo looked at him, almost bursting with laughter. Alex guffawed.

"Well," he shook his head smugly. "I'm pretty hot, you gotta admit that," he gave back with a smirk, making her shake with laughter. "And also, don't act like it wasn't just the same with you. We both might have grown up on the streets but we did good in high school. All the guys drooled over you from what I heard and saw," he pointed out. Jo rolled her eyes.

"You wouldn't know anything about that, we only went to the same school for a year," she replied dismissively.

"So? That was time enough," he said. "You should have heard them talk about you… I mean, I wouldn't know anything about _that _but I'm surprised you withstood all that pressure with everyone running after you," he said, chuckling.

"Oh, stop it, now you're just making things up," Jo cut him off.

"No, I swear," he said. "I'm so glad nobody knew we were friends… they would have killed me for even spending time with you," Alex reported. Jo just smiled and shook her head. There was a short pause, both enjoying their good moods. "So," Alex started, not knowing how to ask but dying of curiosity. "Are you still with… that quarterback?" After a second of silence, he risked a shy glance at Jo who had raised her eyebrows and smiled patronizingly. "What?" he gave her big eyes. "I'm just curious what my _friend_ has been up to," he defended himself, ridiculously that was. Jo snorted, rolling her eyes.

"No," she answered after a while. "We were dating through junior and senior year… that would have never lasted. We were kids, come on," she said, waving it away. Alex nodded, feeling relieved when the girl he had seen Jo with before came to join them, sitting on the uppermost step of the porch in between them.

"There you are," the girl huffed out, looking relieved herself.

"Hey, where did you leave that Collin guy?" Jo smiled back at her. The girl rolled her eyes and groaned, making them both laugh.

"God, how could you leave just like that? He's so annoying," she ranted, making Alex wriggle his eyebrows.

"Hey, Amy, that's Alex," Jo gave back to her, introducing them. The girl smiled over at him, shaking his hand amicably. "We grew up together back in Iowa," she explained, making the girl raise her eyebrows in interest.

"Oh, really? What a coincidence," she exclaimed, sounding friendly. "Hey, so, we should really get back inside, they've started playing some drinking game and it looks hilarious," Amy immediately changed the subject, looking like she was literally sitting on needles. Jo laughed, raising her eyebrows.

"Oh, trust me, med school parties don't get any better than high school ones, the games are just as lame and childish as back then," Alex put his face in his hands, rubbing it. Jo looked at him cheekily.

"Well, then we'll not have to worry about fitting in," Jo said, already getting up. "Come on, this could be fun, I've never played a high school drinking game with you," she wriggled her eyebrows at him. Alex groaned.

"You know, you should take care, they like picking on the new girls," he tried to change her mind once more.

"Oh, come on, when are you gonna stop looking at me like I'm still that 10 year old girl?" Jo narrowed his eyes at him and held out her hand to make him get up. Alex huffed.

"Um, _never,_" he exclaimed, making her groan and stomp her foot, while he took her hand and helped himself get up. "Especially if you're acting like _that_," he laughed at her, Jo joining in as they walked inside where the party had really started big now. There was a huge circle of people crowding around the kitchen island, all of them laughing and cheering for whatever one guy was doing with a beer bottle. "Ugh, no," Alex said when he leaned against the doorframe. Jo turned around to look at him.

"What?"

"They're playing _I dare you_," he groaned. Jo's eyes went wide.

"Oh, fun! I wanna play," she giggled, bouncing up and down, making him roll his eyes now and shake his head.

"Uuuh, look, we have newcomers," one guy immediately spotted Jo and Amy standing in second row. "Let's dare them to play with us," he said, loud cheers following.

"Yeah, hit us, we'll not be scared," Jo told the guy daringly, making him look her up and down playfully. Alex chuckled. _It was so Jo to just enter a room and get all the attention. She deserved it. She was an easy-going, good-natured person, she deserved the attention, she deserved all the friends she was making, she deserved the looks. If it wasn't for the really tiny amount of jealousy that was rising in Alex' guts now. _He smiled at her amicably when she looked back at him, waving him to her. He shook his head in a tiny motion, pointing at his beer, being comfortable leaning against the door frame and watching from afar.

"Alright, I dare you…," the guy who had addressed the girls first spoke up, looking around gathering ideas, his gaze hooking at a heavily making out couple on the couch. He grinned evilly. "I dare you to go over there and introduce yourself and ask them if you could join them, you know… suggest a threesome. Hand action required," he smirked at Jo, everybody bursting with laughter. Alex felt like rolling his eyes wouldn't do, and also he had been doing it all evening. His gaze flitted over towards the couple, trying to make out who it was. His eyes widened. _Oh, no. Nobody was supposed to mess with Nicole and her guys. But yeah, of course Jo was already walking over there. _Everybody, including Alex, watched as she sat herself down next to Nicole, nestling her own body against the unfamiliar girl and slinging her arm across Nicole to touch the guy's thigh alarmingly high. They all watched as the couple broke in irritation and looked at Jo like she was out of her mind while Jo kept talking words that none of them could make out. Alex watched in amusement as a smirk shaped on the guy's smug face and Nicole's eyes were throwing fire balls.

"Get away from us, slut," he heard her yell, choking on a sip of beer he had just been taking. The entire crowd burst into laughter and when Jo came back around towards them, they all cheered and clapped for her.

"You guys should seriously raise the stakes, that was _boring_," Jo exclaimed smugly, looking over at him and winking. Alex just shook his head and laughed. He kept on watching the scene in front of him, them making Amy get on a beer bong once she had accidentally let slip that she had never done one, some of his classmates having to do idiotic stuff around the house, getting up on the kitchen island and do a striptease, some girl having to kiss her boyfriend's ex-girlfriend… all childish things… it was good fun and everyone enjoyed themselves until they eventually had to cancel the game since two people continuously refused to play the R rated version of _Seven minutes in heaven_ – which the self-appointed game master dubbed as doing it naked. Alex watched Jo trying to convince Amy to let her be accompanied home since she was way past wasted, never having come back from the beer bong earlier. After a while, Jo seemed to give up, when she flung her arms in the air and turned on her heels, walking over to where Alex stood and rolled her eyes.

"Don't fret, prince charming is gonna take good care of her," Alex nodded over towards Amy having attached to the game master's lips. Jo sighed, seeing her friend get pulled off somewhere by him.

"Do you know him?" she looked up at Alex, half worried half uncaring. Alex nodded.

"It's his house," Alex stated, making her nod.

"Is he going to take advantage of her?" Jo asked him in all seriousness, making Alex chuckle.

"Um, yes," he said, taking a sip of his beer. Jo sighed, seemingly not knowing what to do. "Oh, come on, Jo. We're at a college party. Everybody's wasted, everybody's making out," he pointed all over the room. "Your friend really is old enough to make decisions for herself," Alex tried to soothe her.

"She's beyond wasted," Jo told him off.

"Look, if it makes you feel better. His name is Tom Carr, he's my age, he's in his last year at Harvard law school. He doesn't have a girlfriend and from what I've heard, he's really nice with the ladies," Alex informed Jo who looked up at him with a face looking half pissed half bursting with laughter. She nudged him, narrowing her eyes mockingly. Alex threw his hands up in defense. "Hey, I'm just saying," he laughed, but going back to serious after a minute. "He's not a bad guy. I promise. She'll be just fine," he tried to assure her. Jo looked up at him, contemplating and after a minute, he could see her deciding it wasn't worth getting upset over.

"Alright," Jo decided, sighing. "That'll probably be my call as well," she said, looking up at him with a smile.

"What, you're leaving? You sure? Don't you wanna wait for her?" Jo snorted.

"No, thank you," she chuckled. "If she can go sleep with a random guy, she can find her way back home by herself," she told him sternly. Alex nodded, amused.

"Where are you staying?"

"With some friends of Amy's. I have no idea where that is but I know the bus stop. It's right up the street," she told him, already getting ready to go.

"I'll go with you," Alex said, putting his beer down. "I live right up the street," he informed her when she gave him a slightly questioning look and he shrugged. "It's not like this is gonna pick up again now, it's past 2," he said. She nodded and smiled and they left together to walk out on the street.

"So, what was up with those two at the end? The ones that wouldn't go in the closet together?" Jo small talked interestedly. Alex rolled his eyes, shoving his hands into his pockets.

"They were together for years before they broke up. I don't think they felt very comfortable doing that. I was surprised Tom would even go there… it was kinda cruel," Alex shrugged his shoulders, Jo nodding.

"It's a dark closet, though. I don't get it. It's not like they have to make out in there…," she mused.

"Oh, come on," Alex replied. "It's not like you'd have done that…," he suggested.

"Uh, _duh_," she came back, glaring at him. "It's a stupid game. People really think the biggest challenge in life is dare asking somebody for a threesome or get naked with your ex in a dark closet? Come on, Alex, you gotta admit, that's just childish…. There really isn't anything to it," she laughed. "But yeah, now that I think of it, you were the one chickening out, standing back and watching… it's true… you probably wouldn't have done any of it," she challenged him, giving him a cheeky glare.

"Yeah, yeah, whatever," he said, trying to focus on the bus stop ahead, having outpaced all other party people already.

"No, seriously, I bet you wouldn't dare anything other than maybe… I don't know… kiss a girl's cheek or something _innocent _like that," she mocked him heavily. Everything was still good fun, however, Alex could feel that all too familiar feeling again that he had harbored inside of him all through his Jo years. The feeling of irritation and something he couldn't quite define.

"You have no idea what I'd have dared if I had played," he retorted, not very smoothly though. "You wouldn't dare do the stuff I would," he told her in complete fake mastery, giving her big shiny eyes, making her chuckle.

"Oh," Jo, of course, would always bite when something like that was said. She shook her head and wriggled her eyebrows. "I bet you I'd do _anything, any-freaking-thing, _you would do," she spat, making him snort. "I mean, you even blushed at hearing I was suggesting you kiss a girl's cheek, I wouldn't even expect you to have kissed any desired girl at that party back there, I really wouldn't," she pushed it further. _Oh, shut up, will you? You have no idea…_ Alex laughed.

"I would have, too. As said, you have no idea," he came back.

"M-hm, that's what you say now. After all we have left the party…," she shook her head in fake disappointment. "No chance to show me your _daring _side," she teased him. They were walking fast and the noise had died a bit the farther they had moved from the house, so the only thing that was heard were their quick steps on the pavement, the rustling of their clothes and their slightly elevated breathing due to their fast pace and the almost unnoticeable incline. Alex peered ahead at the bus stop, still hearing Jo's soft giggles in his phonological loop, and for some reason, that was it, he stopped thinking and suddenly, he felt himself stop literally mid-step, grab for Jo's elbow which made her spin around in utter surprise, looking at him wide-eyed and before he even noticed or he could shape a reasonable thought, before there was anything he could do to prevent this from happening, he found himself kissing Jo.

The world had stopped. The only thing he could process at the moment was how he was holding Jo's cheeks in his palms, how he had scrunched up his face to kiss her, deeply, desperately, and how his guts were being squeezed into a state close to exploding. Jo was standing in front of him, completely frozen, not moving an inch. When he pulled back, Alex and Jo both just stared at each other, Jo's lips still shaped like he had just left her and her eyes wide with shock. Alex had stopped breathing. He felt how the cold air embraced them, how the night settled over them, and all he could stare at were Jo's deeply green eyes. Those eyes that he had never ever forgotten, even though he had been so proud, so sure, that those 1348 days had been all he had needed to get over her. He had been wrong. And now he was standing here, 1348 days later, still feeling the same amount of passion towards the most beautiful girl in his world. Alex gulped heavily when a single, very slow line formed in his brain. _What the _hell_ did you just do?_


	16. No more doubts

Alex felt how all his efforts, the million baby steps he had achieved towards finally getting over the Jo situation that he still wasn't sure he had processed right even after all those years, were crumbling to nothing. He felt how his insides had started wrenching up cruelly, and he felt sick to his stomach. _What the hell had he just done that for? Just to make a stupid point? That evening had gone so well, so perfectly, why had he just ruined that? _Alex' head was on the verge of exploding. Everything he had believed he had kept in check the last years stirred up inside him, everything mixed up into a fuzzy ball of emotions_. Rage, helplessness, sadness, desperation, passion, admiration, friendship, trust, disbelief, amazement_. Alex stared at those green eyes that mirrored shock and confusion. _Crap. _He needed to get away. He needed to make it go away. He needed to breathe. _Oh God, don't look at me like that. I know I'm a crappy, crappy person. I'm sorry. Oh God. _Alex felt how the walls built themselves around him within record time, closing him off of her. He made a decision and without warning took a step to the side and passed by Jo, leaving her standing alone, walking swiftly further up the street. _Don't let yourself go down there again. Just ignore what just happened. Just pretend everything was fine. Just make a joke about it. Tell her she had dared him and he had made a point. Just act like you didn't just ruin everything that you guys have ever built between you. _Alex' thoughts were screaming at him which made him blind out the steps he'd probably otherwise have heard. He jerked back when he could feel Jo slide her hand into his gently, pulling it away immediately.

"Alex," he could hear her plead with him in a whisper and sensed her body following his closely. He felt her tug at his shirt and instinctively snapped her fingers away. "Alex, will you stop for a second?" he heard her beg, her voice sounding a bit tougher now, almost as if she was ordering him. _Just, hold on. You've almost made it. See, a couple more steps and you can vanish, having accompanied her to the bus stop successfully. _He turned around abruptly once they had arrived and looked at her as emotionally void as he could muster.

"There you go," he said, dismissively, motioning to the bus sign. Jo sighed, stepping up closer, putting her hand on his forearm. Alex jerked back again, averting his eyes.

"Alex, stop it," Jo was getting mad, he could hear it in her voice. "Look at me," she ordered him, irritating him now. He matched their eyes unwillingly.

"I told you there wasn't anything I wouldn't dare," he barked out grumpily. Jo's eyes burned into him.

"And I told you," Jo started, being interrupted by him again.

"Don't dare me if you can't handle it," he spat out, knowing exactly that she was not the one who couldn't handle it.

"And _I_ said," she stressed, ignoring what he just said. "That I bet I'd dare _anything _that you would," she said, moving her hands up his muscular arms to hold his face in her hands and standing on her toes, reaching up to kiss him. Alex immediately pulled back, averting his eyes. She didn't let go though. "Alex," Jo said again, her voice soft now, making his guts churn. _She was way too close, he couldn't hold out on her for much longer. _"Look at me," she kept trying to match their eyes. When he didn't, she sighed and moved back down from her toes, trailing his arms down until she intertwined their fingers and made him put his arms around her waist. Alex felt empty. _All he really wanted to do was kiss her back. But he couldn't let himself. Could he? _Alex' forehead started burning up and he felt dizzy. He finally looked down at her eyes, his face scrunched up in all kinds of emotions, making her let her head fall over an inch and sigh. "You need to stop fighting everything and everyone," she breathed out. "Especially me," she added, before she propped up on her toes again, meeting Alex halfway, since he couldn't take it anymore. He just needed to kiss her.

When their lips met finally, it wasn't like the last two kisses, when it really only had been one of them kissing the other, but they both basically flew into the kiss, finally letting go. Alex could feel how Jo's arms wrapped around his neck to help her stay up and he almost swept her off the ground a bit with all the passion he put into the kiss. It was bliss. It was utter bliss. Alex felt how every single care he had had in all his life just vanished and all he was thinking about was how he was kissing the most amazing girl in the world, how he was holding on so tightly to her, how she was clinging to him desperately, how their lips moved against each other hungrily, how their tongues dueled so wildly, it made him soar so high and he felt like he was not gonna come down from this in ages. _He had wanted this for the better part of the last 8 years. _He tugged her even closer, wrapping his arms around her tighter, taking in all of her, her intoxicating smell, her soft lips, her passionate kisses, the feel of her skin on his, even though it was only their faces that touched without any other barriers. He felt how Jo trailed her hands up in his hair, resting her elbows on his shoulders, holding him tightly, seemingly like she never wanted him to let go. His whole body breathed all of a sudden, the entire mess of his feelings that he had pent up inside him just a minute ago had disappeared and all he could feel now was… desperate longing… the deep need to be with her, not now, not here, but always and everywhere. She was the one person he truly trusted and he genuinely wanted to be with and share everything with, all of a sudden he felt how everything he hadn't let himself feel, even though after his encounter with his siblings a few years back when they had told him they knew all about his feelings for Jo, even though he had thought about it and had tried to clear up everything that he had ever felt for Jo… now it struck him… he hadn't even grasped the gist of just _what _he had been feeling for Jo for as long as he had known her.

Alex eased her down to the ground when he heard Jo moan against his lips, pulling him back to reality for a second, trying to think rationally. At the same moment, he heard as the bus was pulling up, the bus that would separate them again, the bus that would put an end to all of this. He brought up his hands to her hair, and stroked softly through it, ending the kiss gently, making Jo groan in frustration, and his heart sting when he looked down at her eyes, those eyes that were clearly swimming with more emotions than he was pretty sure his heart and body and mind could even hold. Their faces were only inches apart, their noses touching softly and he let his gaze roam over her slightly agape, lightly swollen lips, the small blush that had crept to her cheeks, the glazed over eyes. He could feel how Jo's arm tightened another inch and she tried to match their lips again when he stopped her, holding her from him.

"Jo," he breathed rather heavily, pointing his head over towards the bus that was standing right next to them, people getting in and out busily even though it was the middle of the night. "This is your bus," he told her softly. She just shook her head, trying to match their lips again. "Jo," he said, a little more determined now.

"No," she breathed, a little hitched as well.

"It's only going every hour from what I know," Alex tried to reason.

"I don't care," she shook her head wildly and this time she wouldn't let him prevent her and took his lips into another mind-blowing kiss. Alex could hear how the bus drove away and all the people having exited it a minute before take off, leaving them standing all alone at the bus stop once more, engrossed with each other. While Alex' left hand was still brushing through Jo's waves, his right one moved down slowly to cup her cheek before trailing his fingers down her neck, feeling the chills on her skin following his soft touch. He didn't stop though and moved his fingers down her slender physique, hovering at her waist, fiddling with her shirt and putting them underneath it, squeezing it gently, sensing how Jo had jerked back from the overload of sensations she was also exposed to. Alex sighed into the kiss upon touching her exposed skin, having wanted to feel her in years. He could feel himself getting excited and finally pulled back from the kiss, leaning their foreheads together for he had realized they couldn't seriously have forgotten about their whereabouts, standing in the middle of a public street, the street lamp engulfing them in bright light, people passing by whistling at them, which he could now make out that he had pulled away from her and his auditory system had started up working again. Alex felt Jo's heavy panting against his mouth and how she slid her hands from his hair down to his neck and shoulders and finally resting them on his chest.

"Jo," he tried again, Jo instantly closing her eyes tightly, like she didn't wanna hear it.

"Don't," she pleaded with him, bringing her right palm back up to cup his cheek and initiating another kiss. "Please, don't pull away from me again," she huffed between a series of pecks. "Please," the tone of her voice almost made him crumble, pulling her closer into an embrace, shaking his head, making her sigh in relief.

"Jo," he sighed again, trying to ignore the skip of his heart when realizing that he was holding on to Jo. _Jo! Jo, for God's sake. This was Jo. _"I… my…," he pulled back an inch, matching eyes with her, finding her look at him in anticipation.

"What?" she breathed, trying to make out what he was fighting with.

"Do you wanna… I mean… do you wanna come…," Alex stumbled out sheepishly, pointing at something behind him, making her look there swiftly. "I mean… your bus isn't due for another hour or so and you know…," he stuttered, feeling like an 8 year old boy asking the first girl to the first dance they would ever go to. He could see on Jo's face that she was trying to hide a smile, scrunching up her eyebrows and nodding.

"Yeah," she whispered. For he didn't know what else he was supposed to do, he swooped down and kissed her again, making her sigh contently, hearing a soft tone coming from her mouth, making him smile. He could feel how she reciprocated the smile against his lips and after a moment, he pulled them apart forcefully, and tugged at her hand that he had entwined a few moments ago, looking for any late night traffic and crossed the street, Jo trailing behind, letting herself be guided. Alex searched his pants pocket for his keys while they mounted the front steps and stood beside each other awkwardly while he fidgeted with the lock. From the corner of his eye he could make out a frown on Jo's face and looked over, questioning her with his eyes. "You actually live in one of those townhouses?" she asked him unbelievingly, but from the tone of her voice he could make out that she hadn't quite caught herself yet, either. Alex chuckled.

"I'm renting a room within one very spacey townhouse, yes," he responded while swinging the door open and ushering her in.

"How many people do you live with?"

"It's just Adam and me," Alex shrugged, locking the door behind him and throwing the keys on the small shelf on his side, following it with his eyes and missing Jo's bulging ones.

"You still live with Adam? Adam Blittwick?" she hissed at him, her eyes on the verge of tumbling out. Alex looked back at her, laughing now.

"Yes," he told her, half questioningly. "This is his parents' house. They bought it for him when he moved here to go to Harvard 7 years ago. Now, he's in law school. He asked me to move in here with him when I changed from ISU to here. It's awesome. I wouldn't wanna live anywhere else," he shrugged, jogging up some more steps and taking a right towards his room, listening to Jo's soft steps following him. He turned around abruptly, almost making Jo bump into him. "Sorry," he mumbled awkwardly, making her chuckle softly. "Do you wanna… um… do you wanna have a drink or something?" he fidgeted nervously. Jo looked at him for a second, before a small smile spread on her face and the crease on her forehead deepened like she had just realized something.

"No," she breathed out quietly, shaking her head, taking another step closer and kissing him again, still shaking her head. "I don't wanna have a drink, Alex," she whispered against his lips, making him go wild. He slung one arm around her waist while he fumbled for the doorknob with his other one, moving them inside his room in one fluid motion, closing the door behind him and leaning against it, the kiss already having taken up a life of its own. Alex helped her lose her never been zipped up overcoat, feeling how his whole torso stung on the inside and all his blood streamed down to one spot, although on the other hand he thought his forehead might spark sooner or later with burning up that bad. Jo's hands were roaming his muscular chest and she moaned loudly into the kiss when his thumb found his way to her crotch, making her gasp, which he could feel when she sucked in her stomach suddenly. _Oh God, he was losing himself. He could feel how he was losing all control over himself. And he was a raging bull when he did so. He couldn't lose control with her. He mustn't. She was Jo, for God's sake, how many freaking times do I have to process that thought?! _Alex pulled back sharply, leaning his head against the door behind him and closing his eyes, panting wildly. He didn't know how Jo had reacted but he could feel her hands slide down and intertwine them with his before he could feel her kiss his chest softly, nuzzling her nose against his muscles. _Oh God, do you even know what you're doing to me? Are you aware of who you're doing? Oh, don't think like that. It's Jo. You're not _doing _Jo. Jo is not someone you just _do. _You love Jo. Wait, what? Stop thinking crap, God stop doing this, stop, just stop. _Alex trembled slightly with all his thoughts screaming at him. When he opened his eyes and looked down towards Jo, he saw her leaning up against him, her eyes waiting for him to match them, her entire body just waiting for him, waiting patiently to choose to let her in.

"Jo," he sighed again because he really didn't seem to be able to shape any other words. She inched her head to the side and just looked at him without saying anything, waiting for what he had to say, squeezing his hands with hers. He shook his head, his eyes grazing her whole… everything… he couldn't believe how beautiful she was… even now… even in the midst of passion and hungry kisses and after partying and daring each other, she was still so beautiful. He opened his mouth to say something, trying desperately to say something, trying to do the only reasonable thing… "Do you really think this is right? Do you really wanna do this?" his voice only came out as a gentle waft and he immediately tried to steady himself. His throat tightened when she just stared at him, without a reaction. It took her a moment but then she inhaled deeply, closing her eyes to seemingly collect herself.

"Shut up, okay?" she told him quietly.

"Yeah, okay, but are you sure this is…," Alex started up again before one of Jo's pointers collided with his lips and made him shut up.

"Please don't pull away from me again, alright? Not now, please. I'm begging you, Alex, _please. _I have been taking all your ups and downs, I have accepted when you pull back, I have endured when you push _me _back, I have run along with all your needs and wants over the years, so now, I'm asking you to, _please, _just shut up and kiss me, okay?" she begged him almost inaudibly but the words were ringing so clearly in his ears that his guts dropped an inch with how badly she seemed to have waited for this moment. "Just, please, Alex. Stop your brain. I know you want this. I know _I_ want this," she rolled her eyes at that last part. "Let's just for once not think about what's gonna happen _after_ this… how we're gonna deal with this later… but only think about what we truly, genuinely want. And if you want me," she paused shortly, their eyes burning into each other. "If you _genuinely _want me, then please, _please_ just shut up and kiss me now, will you?" Jo looked up at him, waiting for a reply and Alex only realized when her last sounds had died and she had succumbed to staring at him, that she had now put herself out there, again, for him, and now she had voiced her expectations for him to for once make a move. And he didn't need to think twice. Of course he wanted her. _Of course he needed her. _

Alex bent down towards her and simultaneously cupped her cheek and kissed her lips so gently, so softly, he almost buckled and from what he could sense, so did she. This kiss was completely new, no more hunger or passion, no more desperation, no frantic clinging to each other but pure longing. Alex gently ran his tongue along her bottom lip, feeling like he was courting her, feeling like this was the only way he'd want this to happen with her. He could feel her corners of her mouth tug up tinily before she opened her lips for him and they deepened the kiss. Everything was spinning when he took Jo into his arms fully, embraced her perfect body, her tiny frame, when he let his tongue explore her mouth sensually, when he felt how their exchanges of air within their mouths were only mixed with the soft moans that came from her lips continuously. Alex started walking over towards his bed slowly, trailing his fingers down her spine, making her shiver noticeably before sliding them underneath her shirt and reeling in the sensation of her soft skin. He broke the kiss to trail kisses from the corner of her mouth towards her ear and down to her neck, Jo's arms rooting in his messy, short hair, letting her head fall back a tiny bit to give him room to roam her skin, suck her gently, bite down on her collarbone, before tugging up her shirt and pulling back slowly, matching eyes with her and pulling the shirt off of her body, leaving her to stand in front of him in just her bra. He gasped when he let his eyes wander across her torso, taking in her gorgeousness, watching how her lips shaped into a smile again and her eyes sparkled beautifully.

"This will take a while, huh?" she inquired cheekily, softly though, making him chuckle and nod.

"Yes," he just breathed out, trying to process.

"Well, then take your freaking shirt off, if you are gonna tease me forever, I'll need something to distract me," she ordered, tugging at it impatiently. Alex snorted, pulling his shirt off making her gasp now and smirked. Her left hand flew up to caress his chest while Alex initiated another kiss and without further notice, he suddenly felt Jo's small, soft hand slide down inside his boxers and caress his length, making him growl.

"Or not," he spat out, changing their pace again towards wild and passionate, not being able to keep it in anymore. He grasped both Jo's upper arms and made her sit down on his bed, immediately hovering over her, moving her to a comfortable lying position, rubbing himself against her. Jo groaned when his erection grazed her body and Alex nipped at her neck hungrily. Alex couldn't think anymore, this just overwhelmed him more than he had ever imagined anything ever would. _Just let go. Just turn off your thoughts. She told you she wanted this. And you know you want this, too. It's okay. Let yourself fall. _Alex went completely overboard when his fingers sneaked down her body and touched down between her legs. She was still wearing her jeans but they were already damp. Jo's hips bucked against his hand when he kept on teasing her and he grinned when she bit down on his lips angrily, growling at him. He trailed down a path of sloppy kisses towards her navel before making no fuss in unbuttoning her jeans and ripping them off her, immediately swooping down to tease her through her underwear with his teeth.

"Oh God," Alex heard her hiss and felt her thighs clench, making him inch his head a bit and kiss the insides of them wildly. Jo had tangled her fingers in his hair, begging him to just get it on. He couldn't refrain from smiling against her parts before pulling her panties down, watching her squirm beneath him in pleasure. He settled between her legs and without hesitation swooped down to pleasure her, making her actually yell out and gasp, pulling up her knees, giving him room to touch every part of her ass and working himself up her legs and when he rolled his eyes upwards to look at her, his tongue still busy making her freak out completely, he stopped short, scrunched up his face and his heart actually skipped a beat. Alex had never in his life seen such beauty. Jo's face was plastered with emotion, her eyes were closed, her tongue and teeth were taking turns busying themselves with her lower lip, the bridge of her nose was slightly tensed and he knew that that emerged from her trying to focus on staying sane, her chin was held up in the air the tiniest bit while she pushed the back of her head which was lying on a widespread area of silk waves back into the mattress and her spine had arched upwards as a reflex. There was nothing Alex wanted more than finish what he was doing, watching her come against his lips and tongue and teeth, except for he couldn't. He couldn't stand not being with her, he couldn't stand one more second away from her lips, away from feeling his pulsing erection within her. Jo who hadn't quite grasped that Alex had stopped his movements, yanked her eyelids open in surprise when she felt him move upwards in a fluid, quick movement and crunched up her forehead with a smile on her face when she realized he was moving up to take her into another kiss.

Alex rolled them over for her to be on top, unhooking her bra that she lost instantly, making him unglue himself from her hungry lips and stare up at her boobs as if in a deep trance, making her smile at him and leaning down for him to touch her, to feel the sensation of his big hands on her boobs. Alex felt how her nipples immediately hardened underneath his touch and she bucked noticeably, pressing her lips together and closed her eyes desperately as if she didn't want him to notice how badly this affected her. Alex puffed out one small chuckle, moving his palm up to cup her cheek and bringing her down into another kiss, taking them both to a different universe.

"God, you're so beautiful," he chucked out between raspy breaths, making her smile against his cheek that she had been kissing, trailing her fingers down his torso, Alex trying to contain himself for her soft, small fingers on his chest drove him insane. When she parted their lips to kiss down his neck and followed her fingers with her lips, he closed his eyes and tried to breathe, tried to relax. Alex had never in his life felt so many emotions, so many sensations simultaneously. If he was going to die tonight, he one, wouldn't be surprised and two, would think it was totally worth it. He just wanted to chuckle about his own stupid joke when he felt how Jo had hooked two fingers on his waistband and pulled down both his jeans and his boxers, freeing his huge erection. It wasn't two seconds before she came down on him and he groaned loudly, unwillingly. Alex had no idea what she was doing or if she was using her fingers or lips or tongue, all he knew was how his head started reeling and all his limbs started tingling and his dick becoming even harder even though he didn't think that was a possibility. _Alex, calm down, calm down, you are going to finish this pretty soon if you don't calm down. Just breathe. BUT HOW? I can't breathe anymore. Oh God. I just wanna feel Jo with me. This is awesome, it is, I want her to do that all the time from now on but I really just wanna feel her body move against mine, feel her skin rub on mine, feel her come on me while I'm kissing her senseless. _

Alex finally detached himself from his thoughts and fought the paralysis to slightly try sitting up, making her look up immediately and pulling her up into his lap. "Come here," he rasped, their lips flying onto each other like magnets and kissing each other wildly while Jo tried to get herself to straddle him, Alex pulling her tighter, making her hold him in an iron embrace around his neck while he slid down his hands to put some pressure on her lower back and make her slide against his erection, rubbing their privates together, making both their breathing hitch within their kiss, Alex groaning and Jo cursing softly making him smirk. He brought his left hand from her back to her front and teased her core, sliding his finger up her vagina, staring deeply into her eyes that almost closed on their own accord. Alex felt a grumble start in his chest feeling how wet Jo was for him and he slid his fingers out before grasping his penis and kissing her again. "I need you, _now," _he barked at her, making her nod, and they hovered for a moment before he could feel Jo's entrance on his tip and everything inside him exploded. He guided her down his penis slowly, giving her time to accommodate to his… not all too small penis, trying to not finish this here and now before yanking his eyes open in surprise when Jo started cursing against his lips and she gasped continuously.

"Holy mother of-," _gasp, "_ oh my-," _gasp,_ "oh my fucking-," g_asp, "_shit," _ gasp. _Kiss. Alex chuckled against her lips before they kissed each other so passionately that he felt like air was clipped off his brain and he only saw a black and white wall in front of him which turned sparkly once Jo started to move on top of him, fast, erratic. _Oh, God, Jo, oh my freaking God, oh please, Jo, you can't do this to me, oh fuck. _Alex heard Jo moan in pleasure, seemingly not being able to stop, not wanting to stop for that matter, and it drove him even more insane while holding onto her, feeling her body arch against his while she broke the kiss, pushed him down into the mattress and just… rode him. He had never felt so fulfilled, he had never felt as pleased and satisfied, he had never felt that aroused or even erect, he had never felt like _this _was what it was supposed to feel like, _this _was ultimate pleasure, _nothing _that didn't feel like _this, _would ever in his life satisfy him again. Alex watched as Jo moved on top of him, her face distorted with pleasure, biting her lips, drawing blood, her eyes closed, her face scrunched up, her voice emitting odd moans, her perfect breasts teasing his own torso every once in a while, making him immediately grope for them, touch them, gently run his thumb across the erect nipples, making her cry out loud again, Jo's pelvis bucking in different motions, frantic ones, her movements going from slow circles to frantic up and downs and deep waves that made both their body shiver with pleasure. Alex felt his orgasm build up slowly, he felt how everything inside him pent up, he needed more of her, he needed her so badly. Alex pulled her down into an embrace, kissing her wildly before taking all his strength and rolling her over to lie between her legs and pumped in and out of her frantically, feeling how Jo tightened her legs around his waist and subsequently tightening her muscles around his penis, making him buck now. He could feel how the tip of his erection tingled before his orgasm started at the base of his penis and moved upwards. Alex reached down and softly stroked Jo's clit, feeling her clench tighter around him and he smiled when he heard her cry out.

"Oh, _God, _are you insane?" she spat before moaning wildly, uncontrollably now and he could feel her insides convulse around his now squirting penis, making him grunt and lower himself onto his trembling elbows now, kissing her abdomen, kissing her between her breasts, her neck, her skin that was shivering from head to toe, feeling how her fingers settled on his back, trying to hold herself to him even though he sensed that she had also vaulted all remaining energy and her arms were forcing themselves towards the mattress, yielding to gravity. Alex smiled against her neck, still kissing the trail up her body, reaching the backside of her ear now, up her cheek and finally matching eyes with her, succumbing to the most mind-blowing kiss he had ever experienced. He wrapped his right arm around Jo's back while holding her cheek with his other hand and tumbled down to his side, taking her with him, reeling in the sensation of holding onto her and Jo holding onto him, softly kissing each other before Alex finally couldn't think anymore, sleep engulfing him, blissful sleep, blissful calm in his head, no more wild thoughts, no more doubts, nothing but bliss engulfing his mind and body and he let go of her lips, barely noticing Jo settling in the crook of his neck where she, being all tiny, actually fit and succumbing to sleeping off his exhaustion, their orgasmic glow embracing them in a warm shield of contentment.


	17. Confessions

Alex woke up to a comfortable humming in his head and the sensation of soft fingers trailing up and down his spine lazily. He felt how the thin fabric of his bed sheets embraced his body from his waist downwards and the soft breathing of someone's face only inches from his. He didn't know how long he'd been out but he felt like he was still in a dazedly glow from a world rocking orgasm a while ago. Alex' fingers on his right hand trembled slightly as he tried to loosen his arm from its rigid position, sensing the skin underneath him shudder and feeling chills forming against his fingertips. Slowly, he felt like he was coming to his senses. _A writhing body underneath his. _Alex took a breath. _Soft skin shuddering at his touch. _He gulped. _Green eyes trying to stay steady at his burning gaze. _Alex could feel his body tense. _That scent. _He felt how everything inside him mounted into a state of agitation.

"_Don't," _he heard her voice and at the same time he felt the very same soft hands that had touched all the sensitive parts of his body a very short time ago stroking the side of his face gently. "Freak out," she whispered and he could feel her hot breath on his face. Alex opened up his eyes and instantly their gazes melted into each other and he exhaled slowly, letting her calm him, feeling how his agitation had spiked but was now decreasing continuously the longer he let himself be soothed by the depths of her eyes and her thumb caressing his cheek smoothly. He gasped and felt another spike inside him when terror set in his guts. "Don't-," she said again, but he wouldn't let her this time.

"We forgot protection," he heard his voice die in his throat. Jo smiled at him softly.

"Freak out," she finished her thought. "I'm on the pill," she whispered, waiting for him to calm down.

"I'm clean, I swear," Alex spat out, still in shock. "I…I…I swear this has never happened to me. I have never once forgotten about condoms," he rambled on, cutting the silence within the room. Jo chuckled voicelessly, closing her eyes for a moment before gazing at his again.

"I'll take that as a compliment," she hushed, still running her fingers through his short hair.

"I promise, I'm giving blood every other month, I don't have any diseases," he lost himself in his own ramblings. Jo smiled at him and they lay in silence before she finally gave him a piece of her mind.

"You have no idea how good it feels that you're freaking out because you think your existence as a man whore has left me with some STD instead of freaking out because we just slept together," she voiced quietly, never averting her eyes. Alex stared at her, before closing his eyes and taking another deep breath, exhaling slowly, trying to let the steady hand running through his hair soothe him some more. "It's okay, just don't think about it," she told him in a whisper. They lay together for another while before Alex felt like there was no way he was walking out of that room with both his arms intact unless they shifted from their rigid position. He cleared his throat awkwardly.

"Can we… move?" he opened his eyes and smiled at her crookedly. Jo closed her eyes and beamed at him widely, nodding.

"Of course," she said, slowly rolling herself from his embrace and he felt her watching eyes on him while he mobilized from her position lying flat on her back besides him. Alex tried to sit up slightly and shook out his right hand that had started tingling immediately, his nerves burning uncomfortably. He sighed, looking over at his nightstand and played with the thought of grabbing his phone from the top of it, however, stopping short since he would have to move across her body lying between him and his cell phone. Out of the corner of his eyes, he saw Jo look at him and then follow his stare over to his nightstand, immediately reaching out and handing him his phone quietly. Their fingers brushed against each other softly and Alex could feel the pleasant tingling from that touch, very different from the wake up tingles he had gotten throughout his right arms that were still stinging annoyingly.

"Thanks," he whispered before tilting the phone up and reading the message he had received from Adam a while ago. He couldn't help but snort.

"What?" Jo asked him tentatively, still looking up at him timidly. Alex dropped his phone on the mattress besides him and shared a gaze with her, smirking.

"Adam says: Whoever you're with, tell her to enjoy whatever you're doing more quietly, my girl is becoming intimidated over here," Alex informed her, making her chuckle and cover her face with her hands.

"Oh God," she whispered frantically, and Alex watched as a slow, rosy blush creeped up her cheeks. He observed her beautiful state for a second before dropping down on one elbow slowly and turning towards her, gently placing his left hand on her waist. He felt her jerk barely noticeably in surprise, not moving her hands from her face yet. Alex bent down hesitantly and placed a soft kiss to her upper arm, closing his eyes and letting his memories get the better of him, reveling in her sweet scent, appreciating her cottony skin, trailing up a few more pecks towards her shoulder, peeking at her shyly, his head level with hers now, waiting for her to match his eyes. When she did, they gazed at each other warily for a second before she gave him a small smile.

"You are beautiful, Jo," he murmured after a second, nervously pushing his thumb of his left hand that was still resting on her waist down and tracing it in a circle movement. "Forget about Adam, he's only jealous," he added, fixing his eyes on a birth mark on her shoulder. He felt his throat restrict, having said stuff like that out loud, without being dazed by throes of passion or alcohol or anything like it, he had just said it without any excuse for him to take it back. He heard her steady but enhanced breathing and knew her eyes were on him but he couldn't bring himself to look up at her face. Jo brought up her right hand and put it on the spot where his neck and his chest met, waiting for him to react.

"I already did," she breathed out, and he could hear her smiling through her words. He risked a glance at her face and slowly brought his hand from her abdomen up to her armpit, doing the same with his other hand on her other side, a little clumsily though since he was still propping himself up on his right elbow, and picked her up, rolling her on top of him, resting flat on the mattress, looking up at her hovering over him, feeling the sensation of her body pressed up against his. Jo shoved her hands between his shoulder blades and the mattress, hugging him to her and her eyes shimmered gorgeously before she bent down and kissed him gently. Alex took a deep breath, tasting her lips, tasting her tongue, sucking on it softly, exchanging hot breaths with her, sliding his right hand up to hold a bunch of her hair and the back of her head tightly to him, making her gasp and moan again, softly. He smiled within the kiss before she broke it and he closed his eyes while Jo showered him with kisses to his neck and chest. After a moment, he rolled her off him to the other side, never letting go of her, so they lay side by side, facing each other, her head resting on his left arm now that was tangled up in her hair and his right hand holding onto the small of her back firmly. Jo looked down to his chest where she kept tracing shapes, seeming… insecure, all of a sudden.

"You're not… freaking out, are you?" Alex voiced shakily when he felt her… pulling away somehow. Not physically. Emotionally, though. Jo's lips tugged upwards the tiniest bit, hesitating, before shaking her head softly, never matching his eyes, though. Alex instinctively pulled her closer and guided her chin upwards for him to kiss her, deeply.

"Good," he breathed heavily when they broke. Jo's eyes seemed… distant somehow, but she smiled and nodded curtly. "What's going on in your head?" There was a short pause before Jo blushed and squirmed lightly in his embrace.

"I kinda... feel like... you... deflowered me again," she mumbled in complete embarrassment. Alex gave her wide eyes before laughing out loud, completely shedding all awkwardness. Jo looked at him with her head turned down but her eyes matching his, her lips pushed together and trying not to laugh. She was being self-conscious. Alex didn't think he had ever seen something as adorable as her momentarily. He cupped her cheek and stooped down to kiss her again, fire burning in between them. He felt Jo nudge him lightly, and heard her murmur against his mouth. "You're doing it again," she accused him, making him chuckle even more and hug her tightly to him. It felt so good to have her in his arms. _Nobody touching his Jo but him_. Alex thought about his musings before suddenly, feeling his guts wrench and he yelped in fake pain, rolling around, scrunching up his face and wailing. "What? _What? _What happened?" Jo gave him big eyes, fixating his shoulders with her hands.

"Nooohooo, stop talking, I don't wanna hear it," Alex spat out between chuckles and moans.

"What? I didn't even say anything…," Jo replied desperately.

"You just said you feel like I deflowered you… _again_," he explained, his face still scrunched up and his hands pressing into his eye sockets. He could feel Jo propped up beside him, one of her arms lying across his abdomen. "I don't wanna have to think about _any_ other guy touching you," he cried pathetically, finally making her giggle.

"Aw, but see, I just told you, I feel like you _deflowered_ me," she tried to soothe him.

"NO, don't you see? You just said you _feel _like… which means there have been so many… oh _God_, I can't even think about it without getting upset. I wanna go hit them. Tell me names, I wanna go hit them," Alex barked, making fake movements of leaving the bed, Jo laughing and tightening her grip on him, pulling him over on his side again and caressing his chest. Alex laughed softly before tightening his arms around her as well and kissing her shoulder.

"But you see, you deflowered me for the most amazing thing that has ever happened to me," she pointed out again, quietly. "Now you ruined me for every other guy," she pouted at him, Alex immediately biting down on her put out lower lip and luring her into a kiss.

"That sounds a lot better to me," he murmured, making her chuckle. They lay in each other's embrace for a while, just enjoying being with each other and the silence that engulfed them. Alex kept running his fingers through the notches of her spine, while Jo trailed soft pecks from Alex' abdomen up to his chest and neck, her eyes closed and looking so gorgeous, so perfect.

"Can I ask you something?" she muttered after a while. Alex just shrugged. "Can I ask you something without you immediately blowing up on me again?" she inched upwards to rest face to face with him.

"Oh, God," Alex yanked his eyes open. "Is it about my mom again?" Jo chuckled, shaking her head.

"No, it's not about your mom. You still might not like it," she pointed out, running her fingers through his hair, making his eyes close on their own accord. There was an unanticipated break in which Alex awaited the question but Jo didn't speak up.

"Alright, what is it? It's not about my mom, it's probably not about hugging you since we're already lying with each other, naked that is, so what else is there that could make me blow up on you instantly?" Alex teased lightly, making her laugh against his chest. He sensed how she was shaping words against him before she pulled away to face him in determination.

"Why did you never make a move on me? Like… years ago… when we were still at the group homes…? Why did you never try… asking me out or… you know… I mean… why did you only ever try to kiss me that very last night before it was all over?" Jo's words flew out suddenly, and Alex could feel her getting a bit upset. He sighed, trying to think of an answer that would suffice… an answer that he wasn't sure he was able to give… because he wasn't sure why he never did… "It wasn't because of Aaron, right? I mean…. You didn't not try something because you thought it might hurt him, right? Tell me that wasn't it, please, cause I really don't wanna be mad at myself for never clearing that one up between Aaron and me…," she rambled on. Alex exhaled slowly, shaking his head before opening up his eyes.

"No," he appeased her. "It wasn't because of Aaron," he said. "You know I'm not that sensitive," he tried to joke, making her huff out a silent chuckle but going back to serious rather quickly.

"So? Why was it then? I mean… you liked me, right? I didn't imagine that, right? There was at least _something _more than friendship there, right?" Jo questioned him, insecure now. Alex sighed again, dramatically now, bringing up his hands to rub his face.

"You're pushing all my boundaries tonight, woman, you know that, right?" he told her exasperatedly.

"Hey," she came back strongly. "You just slept with me. All inhibitions are off. No more beating about the bush, I get to ask you these questions," she told him off sternly, making him smile slightly and ponder.

"I… I don't really know, Jo. I was scared. I didn't even realize it for the longest time… And then I fought it… I just… I wasn't ready to… to…," he stuttered on, making her nod.

"But I wasn't wrong, right? There was something, right? Whatever it was...," she inquired further. Alex closed his eyes, groaning.

"No," he gave her, unwillingly though. "You weren't wrong," he said, pulling her closer. He felt as Jo's nose nuzzled his and matched their lips for a sweet kiss.

"Okay," she breathed out in between. "That's all I needed to hear," she admitted, making him smile.

"What did you think it was, Jo? We sat at dinner shoulder to shoulder for a year. Of course I thought about it. Of course I thought about you. But caring about you wasn't an option. Especially with you_… _being _you…,_" Alex tried to articulate, Jo though shushed and kissed him again.

"It was always an option, Alex," she murmured, trying to help him out of his predicament in telling him she had cared about him just as much. They kissed for a while, not able to let go of each other, Alex' insides feeling like soothing lotion was washed through him. Jo's lips tasted so good, he couldn't believe this was the first time he really got to taste her. He wanted to have her lips on his forever. He wanted to never let her go. He pulled back an inch to look at her slightly dazed looking face.

"Can I ask you something, too?"

"Anything," she voiced almost inaudibly, already kissing him again. Alex formed a grin on his lips and pulled her back, narrowing his eyes at her.

"Truth?"

"Um, yeah, truth," Jo looked at him warily now.

"What did you tell Jonathan Gregory to make them drop charges?" Alex beamed at her. Jo looked surprised for a moment before laughing loudly.

"Oh God," she laughed. "I totally forgot about that," she said.

"Well, I never really did. Tell me?" he looked at her playfully. She laughed, coughing slightly, uncomfortably, before telling.

"I told you I had known him for ages already at that time," Jo started, making him nod. "We were actually 'dating' in middle school. We spent lots of time at his house… you know… being teenagers… making out…exploring each other's bodies…," she put that last statement into invisible quotes. Alex frowned at her, waiting for the point. "Well," she chuckled, obviously thinking about something hilarious to her, shaping the images in her mind. "One day we had just… you know… we were kissing… and he kinda… well, he finished a _little _early…," Jo burst out laughing, thinking about it. "And he did it _twice_," she coiled around within Alex' embrace.

"YOU HAD SEX WITH GREGORY?" Alex felt like his throat was closing on him. _She had had sex with _that_ jackass?_

"No," Jo shook her head wildly, frowning. "That's the point… we didn't… we didn't even do… hand stuff… or anything… we just _kissed_ and it got him a little too excited… and he, well… twice," she said, wriggling her eyebrows at him. "I was 13, for God's sake!"

"So…. What? You told him you'd tell people if he didn't drop charges?" Jo nodded.

"Well, yeah, I mean... No, I didn't exactly let that slip out of my mouth... Mrs. Miller was there," she pointed out, trying to explain. "And his parents," she giggled. "I just... tried to remind him that if he could go around shouting about our secrets, I had lots to contribute about his secrets too...and as much as I didn't care about people finding out that I had no parents... I don't think he'd have been very comfortable through the rest of high school with people knowing _that _about him," Jo shrugged. "An eye for an eye, you know," she concluded.

"Seriously? That got me into college?" Jo burst out laughing again when Alex suggested that.

"Yeah," she said. "It kinda did, didn't it?" They both succumbed to their joyful chuckles and soft laughing, smiling and shining eyes at each other before going over to kissing again, more passionately this time, both sets of hands roaming each other's bodies, moaning and sighing into each other's mouths. Alex felt his forehead burning up again while his mind was spinning crazily and he felt his excitement rush downwards once more. "Mmmh," Jo purred when Alex wrestled away the flimsy sheet and masterfully busied himself with her boobs. He felt the rhythmic stabbing into his guts, a pleasurable feeling though, one that screamed of comfort and desire and lust, one that celebrated their being together, her lying in his arms.

"So," Alex panted slightly. "What happened then?"

"What?" Jo scrunched up her face, irritated by him pulling away.

"Did you stay?" he asked her again, while he trailed down his fingers to squeeze her butt, making her hum.

"Do you really wanna talk right now?" she bit down on his lip aggressively, wild with desire. Alex nodded. Jo rolled her eyes and sighed dramatically, slapping his hand from her butt to try to focus. "What did you wanna know?"

"What happened?"

"When?"

"When I left for college," Alex inquired.

"I had sex for the first time that night," Jo told him soberly, looking at his eyes without much emotion.

"_What?" _he spat against her. "Why? I mean, what? Why would you tell me that?"

"You asked," she pointed out cruelly, trying to pay him back for teasing and then pulling away. Alex succumbed to his moaning and wailing again.

"Noohooohobdy gets to touch you," he cried.

"Well, Matt Fischer sure did," Jo informed him.

"WHAT? NO! Please tell me, not him, oh please tell me, you didn't," Alex begged her.

"I'm sorry," she smiled at him slightly now.

"Matt Fischer had you… first?" Alex felt like he was gonna die. "When was that?" He looked down at her and caught her actually blushing and narrowed his eyes.

"At that party," she mumbled, trying for him to overhear her. Alex closed his eyes in terror. _Oh God. I won't survive this. _"I'm sorry," Jo whispered, tightening her arms round his neck. "I was hurting… and he was there…," she said.

"So, you just slept with him?" he looked down at her unbelievingly. She shrugged and then nodded.

"Believe me, I did many things in my life I wish I hadn't done that thoughtlessly," she narrated.

"Oh, please just stop, stop talking… I don't wanna hear it," Alex said, resting his forehead on her shoulder with her kissing the side of his head. He could feel her smile against his skin.

"It's really your fault… you should have come out and kissed me already…," she trailed off, running her hands over his back.

"Don't make it worse… I've been beating myself up about that for years," he murmured against her skin. Jo sighed against his head, kissing him again.

"How about we talk about something else, huh?"

"Did you ever get fostered again?" Alex asked, soberly.

"Oh," Jo said, surprised. "No. I aged out a year after you left. A little while after Aaron and Amber left and changed schools. Everything was so different, I didn't wanna be there anymore. So I aged out at 16," she told him matter-of-factly, surprised looking though as if she had thought he should have known about that.

"You did? Wow. Where did you live?"

"In my car," Jo reported back to him dutifully. There was a short break of shock.

"You did _what_? You lived in your _car? _What the hell were you thinking?"

"I wasn't thinking," she stated.

_"_What the hell, Jo? Remind me to never leave you to yourself again. You wanna kill yourself, girl?" Alex barked down at her in horror even thinking about her living out of a car. Jo looked up at him with eyes that… in his humble opinion… radiated lovingly.

_"_I wasn't thinking. I was hurting. I didn't wanna be there without you. I didn't wanna be reminded of having lost you and Amber and Aaron and everyone else that was the closest I ever had to a family… I didn't wanna have myself remember forcefully every day for the rest of high school. Going to that school, walking through those halls, seeing all those faces every day was hard enough. I missed you, Alex. It was more than just friendship, trust me," Jo nodded at him knowingly, trying to make him see. "At least to me, we were more than just friends," she stated, looking at him burningly before Alex couldn't take the tension anymore and he swooped down to take her lips and kiss her like he hadn't ever kissed anyone before that. _Not even Jo_.

Looking back at that night was difficult for Alex later, for various reasons. But he knew one thing. If he had ever at least tried showing someone just how much he cared for them, he had done it that night. Yes, it was sex. But truthfully, he hadn't ever had sex like that before. There wasn't much he cared about that night. He didn't care if she was on top of him or writhing underneath him, he didn't care if they did it slow or rough, he really didn't care about the three more messages he found on his cell the morning after, telling them to shut the hell up because people generally liked sleeping without having to picture wild lovemaking in the adjacent room. He didn't care about how his back had deep scratch marks on it or the fact that his lips were swollen and raw when he woke up. Jo had taught him how to forget about everything but the one person you were holding on to. She made him forget about every single care in the world, staring at him with those deep, green eyes while working on his orgasms over and over and over again. She made him believe that he was the only one that could make her scream and writhe and moan like she did with every touch and every kiss and every single time he gently stroked her with his hands or his lips and tongue or his erection. He really had her all the way, underneath him, on top of him, from behind, on his bed, against his desk, on the floor, in the shower, they really got a taste of paradise, all night long, and stopping was something both didn't think about once even though after hours and hours he felt like he was never going to be able to even get hard anymore having blown all reserves between Jo and himself. When they had finally dropped from exhaustion, he was holding so tightly to her, he was scared to ever let go because he knew it was either him being scared to lose her and never recover from it or him pushing her away if he wouldn't already be holding on to her. Jo had assured him over and over and over again that he was safe with her and that she felt so safe with him, that she wanted nothing more than to stay in his arms forever. If he could have wished for one thing that night, it would've been infinity. He never wanted that one night to end. His mind that had stopped functioning from the overwhelming processing he had to do with all the sensations between them only presented him with one feeling and thought. It felt so _good_ to run his fingers down her sides, to gently massage her breasts as she was lying in a cozy embrace with him, her back nestled against his broad frame, how _right_ it felt that she would entwine their fingers and let him hold her, how _perfect_ her smile was that emblazoned on her exhausted features when he kissed her neck softly.

So, once he woke up there was nothing he was even capable of feeling, and nothing he would ever be able to feel again even once his mind started up working and once he realized that he was lying in his bed, all alone, with a note sticking to the pillow besides him, that read words that he couldn't process, and he didn't even want to process because he really just wasn't able to feel anything anymore. Alex' insides had died and even after years of reading the line again and again, he had never been able to process, what the fuck those words were supposed to have meant. _You are truly amazing. _And with her gone, so was everything else. Comfort, happiness, _love._


	18. Truth

**_Note:_**

_Part IV starts with another jump in time and will show Jo and Alex in Seattle. Since I made both Alex and Jo go through college and med school continuously without any leap years or whatever, this will make them meet again in 2008 (my time calculation) which will be Alex' 4th year of residency, and Jo's intern year. Sidenote here: My heart dropped a second when I read SmilingRoses' review about how medschool was 4 years... okay, I totally admit, and I am so, so terribly sorry that this happened... but the only med school I ever actually knew people from was NYU and I totally thought, without ever giving it much thought, that every med school in the country would be a 3 year program. Now, I looked it up, and Harvard and actually most other med schools are 4 year programs. I am so, so sorry this happened and it's totally my fault and I feel bad but the story was done and it would have been VERY complicated to re-write the story, having him go another year and then fitting him in another season... okay, so basically I just left it and I beg for forgiveness, please, everyone, just overlook the fact that I made Harvard med school a 3 year program :/ Anyways, this does not go hand in hand with how GA was built up because they made most residents older and not having started their residencies right after med school, but disregarding the year dates, it'd be season 7. I decided to make the new interns come in a little later to give the season 6 finale repercussions a little room, so I made them come in after 7x07. Until that episode, you can assume that everything happened as it did on the show, except for one thing that I have cut out of my story after tediously long contemplations on my part, which is the fact that Alex had once gone back to Iowa to commit Aaron to an institution since he was diagnosed schizophrenic after trying to kill Amber. That's the only thing I decided to leave out, even though I first kept it in, but with the course of where this story is going it just made writing so much more complicated, so I eventually let it go. Also, when Aaron came back that one time, he accused Alex of not having been home in 7 years... this will have to be changed to 6 years in my story ;) I know it's petty but I don't want any reader to be offended that I didn't make it as true to GA as possible as I always try to... so, please be lenient here with me. (Of course, we're completely disregarding Alex' and Jo's history which is kind of the point of an AU...and also, that one time Aaron did come to Seattle, he was saying stuff that doesn't fit with this story, cause I guess in real GA Amber must be a whole lot younger than Alex, even more than the 8 years I made them be apart... but well, sorry for rambling I just really wanted to make it as realistic as possible). Everything else has happened as it had happend on the show seasons 1 through 7x07. From here on I will not be true to everything because it's hard to fit in my story with everything that happens after 7x07. Season 7 was a horrible Alex season in my humble opinion, so I'm changing stuff a bit (mostly for Alex, not much for the other characters). I hope everything's clear, if you have any questions or comprehension difficulties, just ask :) Enjoy!_

* * *

**Part IV**

**LET ME TELL YOU A STORY ABOUT A MAN MEETING AN ACTUAL WOMAN**

[July 2008]

Alex walked through the halls of the hospital, yawning widely and trying to get his lab coat on properly, having been paged by the chief early that morning to meet him at the third floor nurses' station. He gulped down his double shot of espresso and threw the cup into the trash carelessly, looking down at his phone, grinning at the message he had just gotten from the waitress he had been having fun with last night. He tried to focus when he spotted Webber waiting for him at the arranged spot, a little agitated it seemed. _What in the world would the chief want from him?_

"Chief," Alex greeted him. Webber immediately turned on his heels looking excited and instantly grabbed Alex' elbow to guide him down the hallway. "Where are we going?"

"It's the first of July," Webber just said, sighing.

"Alright?" Alex replied, showing him with his eyes that he hadn't followed yet.

"You just entered your 4th year of residency at Seattle Grace Mercy West Hospital," Webber told him ceremoniously. Alex shook his head, still questioningly.

"Okay? And that means we get a welcome committee today?" Alex scrunched his face up at his superior. Webber chuckled amicably.

"No," he said, stopping him in front of what Alex knew was the interns' locker rooms, which immediately widened his eyes.

"Oh, crap, you're not making me babysit them or something, right? I mean, with all due respect, Sir, I'm the last person you should match with those interns. I already hate them and I haven't even met them yet," he pointed out, trying to sound extra mean, so Webber would change his mind. Said one just gave him a serious glare, warning him.

"Karev, just let me talk for a moment," Webber said, making Alex nod curtly. "Yes, today new interns are coming in, of course," he admitted. "But… what I actually needed you to do today… and I'm only giving you this chance because you are a 4th year resident now and you have shown us all what you are capable of if you really want to and you've proved that you are a very promising candidate for one of the very rare pediatric fellowships at Seattle Grace Mercy West or really, anywhere in this country, so what I need you to do today is… run Robbins' service for the day," Webber beamed at him widely. Alex looked back at him with a polite smile, frowning. _What the hell? He was a 4th year resident. He had no clue how to run a service. _

"And what he means when he's saying that," a very angry and determined voice wafted by them when she steered towards the locker room, "is that he couldn't find no one whosoever that would take over Peds when Arizona left," Callie gave them an uncaring face and pushed the door towards the locker room open, presenting a crap load of interns. _Oh hell. _

"Torres, what are you doing here?" the chief immediately stepped in after her, looking at her unbelievingly.

"I'll need my job back, Sir, if that's a possibility," she told him, unfazed.

"Yeah, of course, of course, but aren't you supposed to be on a plane to Africa with Robbins?"

"Looks like I'm not, doesn't it?" she barked out through a fake smile. "Are we gonna do this or not?" Webber looked back at Torres perplexedly before nodding and sharing a confused smile with Alex who just shrugged, showing he had no idea what was going on.

"Alright, people, listen up, " the chief's low but forceful voice drowned out the pretty high acoustic level in the locker room, excited interns bustling about and circles of people having chatted away. The room quieted down instantly, all of the newbie faces looking up at the chief expectantly, every single one scared, Alex thought. Webber looked around the room, taking a very dramatic, intentional pause, before speaking. "Each of you comes here today hopeful, wanting in on the game," he started out. Alex rolled his eyes and leaned back on the doorframe. _Really? He's still telling them the same old thing?_ "A month ago you were still in med school being taught by doctors. _Today_, you are the doctors," he let his speech flow. There was excited rustling and some interns looked over to exchange fascinated stares. Alex caught Callie's eyes and smirked at her, mirroring her facials before she put on her mask again. _Whoa, something really was going on with Callie. She just put her death face on. "_The seven years you spend here as a surgical resident will be the best and worst of your life. You'll be pushed to breaking point. Look around you, say hello to your competition. 8 of you will switch to an easier specialty, 5 of you will crack under the pressure, 2 of you will be asked to leave. This is your starting line. This is your arena. How well you play, that's up to you," the chief droned on. "My name is Dr. Webber and I am chief of surgery at Seattle Grace Mercy West Hospital. We will have to-," the chief startled from his ongoing talk when Alex' pager went off.

"Crap," he said, looking down at the 911 call. "Gotta go," he said.

"Karev," Webber grabbed onto his elbow when he had already turned to leave.

"What?" Alex barked back in irritation. Webber smiled knowingly, pointing at the crowd of interns who were all waiting for something to happen.

"Pick your intern," Webber's eyes flashed at him. Alex looked back at him unbelievingly.

"Really? Now?" he tried to walk away again.

"Yes, now, Karev," the superior surgeon told him, getting impatient. "You're running a service, Karev. You need interns," he pointed out, smiling again. Alex rolled his eyes and looked at the crowd, trying to quickly make out if there was any one person standing out, looking a little less stupid than the others. His gaze flitted over their faces and he had to look back twice to actually realize that he had not just assembled different people's characteristics towards one face that looked very much like one that he had never expected to see here, but no, at third go he actually met Jo's eyes. His mouth immediately went dry and his stomach clenched. _What the hell was she doing here? What the _hell _was she doing here? _He couldn't take his eyes off, couldn't move. She was staring at him like she had just spotted him a moment ago as well and was in shock. Their eyes burnt into each other, completely taken aback by what they were seeing. _None of that I can't believe you're here crap, no hugging, no blinking her eyes in disbelief, no tearing up, none of it. Just pure shock and disbelief and pain, _Alex realized after another second.

"Karev?" Webber urged him again.

"That one," Alex pointed his finger towards a person he didn't even look at, his eyes still fixated on Jo. He felt how his whole face drained and how everything gathered in his jaw, how he clenched it, how he balled his fists, and how all he wanted was just go back an hour in time and decide _screw the chief, I'm not gonna go in on my day off. _He took a deep breath and turned around swiftly, walking away towards the E.R. _This is not happening. Right? Fuck. _

"Dr. Karev, another ambulance is five minutes out," the E.R. nurse let him now. He nodded it off, looking around. It was mayhem. He grabbed a gown and some gloves, moving to the emergency entrance of the hospital. He turned back when he sensed someone closing up his gown and spotted Callie.

"What are you doing here, Torres?" he asked her immediately.

"I was called up for the emergency, too," she told him dismissively.

"I meant… what the hell happened to Africa? Where's Robbins?" he rambled on.

"I don't wanna talk about Robbins. Or Africa for that matter," Callie turned around, making him tie up her gown. He froze up when he spotted Jo standing right behind Torres, looking at him. He could feel how his heart felt like it was pushed into a straightjacket. _Just go away, will you? I don't need you here of all people._

"What's she doing here?" Alex grumbled, nodding over towards her, never losing eye contact.

"She's my intern for the day," Callie told him, shaking her head at him questioningly. "Where's yours?" Alex looked around, having forgotten all about his supposed intern. He shrugged, inhaling deeply.

"Dr. Karev, there you are," an unfamiliar voice came up behind him, breathing heavily. When he looked back, a female doctor was resting her palms on her knees, trying to get herself steady. Alex just frowned at her. "I lost you on my way down here," she said.

"Really? You lost me on your way down here? _God," _he put his face into his hands, sighing. "Get yourself a gown and gloves, idiot," he barked at her, already frustrated with this day.

"Don't treat 'em like that," Callie advised him, giving him a burning stare.

"_She got lost while following me down here," _Alex turned towards Callie, trying to make his point, seeing Jo trying to hide a chuckle out of the corner of his eyes.

"She's new, she's excited, she's nervous, cut her some slack. If you wanna be the attending, you need to stop treating the interns like crap," she told him.

"That's the point, Torres! I'm _not _an attending!" he snarked at her before turning back towards the intern who had managed to gown and glove herself, his gaze moving up and down on her.

"_Stop _screwing interns," Callie hissed, seeing where his eyes rested.

"I'm not," he defended himself in irritation, flinging his hands up.

"Stop screwing your way around in general," Callie gave him back, making him roll his eyes. They stood in silence for a while longer, everyone pondering about their own miseries, while waiting for the ambulance. "You know, Alex," Callie said in a low voice, busying herself with readjusting her gloves. "I get that everything that happened with Stevens… I get that you took a step back in your… whole emotional… _development_," she pointed out. Alex looked back at her gruffly, seeing Jo trying to eavesdrop and having scrunched up her face.

"Shut up," Alex felt himself becoming pissed.

"No, seriously, Alex, I get it. And I'm really only saying this because I'm pissed off to such an extent, that my intern will wish after today, she had been working with you instead of me," Callie went on, her demeanor all angry but matter-of-fact. Alex snorted.

"Yeah, trust me, she doesn't," Alex barked back, glaring at Jo who seemed part confused, part stone-faced.

"She will. In time. I'm lethal when I'm pissed. So, hey, no hard feelings about you _screwing _your way around, _treating _your colleagues like idiots, _behaving _like a complete imbecile," she used her finger to trace his shape in mid-air trying to make a point.

"I'm over it," Alex responded in irritation.

"Well, I'm not, so if you really wanna run Arizona's service for today, you gotta do better than checking out your intern's boobs while you're yelling obscenities at her. Just saying. Cause that's what _I'm_ gonna do today," she turned back and gave Jo a once-over. "Cause I might be an attending, but I sure as hell am not running someone else's service today," she huffed out in a seductive little sing-song voice. Jo moved her head to the side an inch and looked back at the smirking attending orthopedic surgeon questioningly, cautiously really. "She's kinda hot, don't you think?" _Leave it to Callie Torres to take rage to an entire new level. Whatever happened between her and Robbins. _Alex shook his head and turned away to watch the arrival of the ambulance.

"What have we got?" he immediately met the paramedic halfway, looking over the kid that was strapped to the bloody gurney.

"Keegan Mayor, 7, car accident up on 522. His parents were brought in a few minutes ago. Fire brigade had to cut him out of the car; he has obvious contusions to the thorax, open fractures on both arms. He lost consciousness after pressure was taken off his torso, coughing up blood. Breathing is short," the paramedic informed him. Alex, Callie and both interns walked besides the gurney, immediately moving him to trauma room 1.

"Alright, give him 10 of epi," Alex ordered, while giving him the introductory examination. Callie had busied herself with looking over the fractures.

"He needed to be in surgery 30 minutes ago," she ranted, fixating his arms. Alex walked up to his head when he started to move.

"Hey buddy, it's okay, we're gonna take care of you, just try to lie still, alright?" he tried to calm him. "Can you hear me okay?" The little boy looked at Alex, panic written all over his face and nodded frantically, trying to get out of his restraints. "Hey, hey, hey, calm down, it's okay. My name is Alex, alright, me and Callie over here are going to take care of you today. Your mom and dad came in a little while ago, they'll be taken care of as well, do you hear me?" The boy nodded, his eyes still wide.

"Hey Keegan," Callie rolled up towards him on her stool. "We're gonna take you up to surgery now, alright, we'll fix your arms and chest, and your breathing will be a little easier soon, okay?" They waited for a nod but all the boy did was roll his eyes upwards and suddenly blood pressure was dropping.

"Oh, crap," Alex chucked out, immediately moving over to his head. "His lungs are crashing, get me an intubation tray," he ordered the nurse, already preparing the boy.

"Somebody go book an OR," he heard Callie order towards the interns who were standing around pretty helplessly.

The surgery was long and tedious, successful though eventually, and Alex exhaled deeply when he finally stood scrubbing out, thankful for the save. He walked out towards the nurses' station and opened up the patient's chart, scribbling down post-op notes. He could sense a body coming up towards him and leaning against the counter right next to him, an inch closer than he usually would expect. Alex propped his head up, barring his face, since he knew exactly who had the balls to come up to him and just stand there. He'd realize her presence anywhere. He'd recognize her scent and her physique, he'd perceive the sensation of her body moving against his, even if it was in scrubs, he'd know her anywhere. He kept on writing his notes, ignoring her.

"Really? You're gonna ignore me?" she whispered softly after a moment of giving him time to react. He didn't. He could hear her sigh and turn an inch towards him. "I didn't know about your spot on the program here, I swear. I didn't know. I thought you had gone to Mass Gen as you had talked about. I didn't know, Alex, I swear," she talked onto him frantically, quietly though, since a scrub nurse had just emerged. Alex looked up at her, guarded though. "If I had known I would have never…," she started up, trying to express something but seeming too desperate, gesturing with her hands and shaking her head, her eyes looking hurt for some reason, which he couldn't explain to himself by all means. He sighed.

"You'd never have come here, nice," he said, smiling now, fake through and through. He closed the patient's chart before pocketing his pen and taking a step back from her.

"No, no, Alex, I didn't mean to say I'd have… I mean…," Jo tried to frantically define what she was feeling but he wouldn't even give her the chance. _She had had her chance and she had blown it. _Alex snorted humorlessly, turning around and walking towards the elevator. "Really? Alex?" she yelled after him, mad now. "You're not gonna talk to me? Not even gonna listen to me?" When he turned back, he could see that her eyes were livid, and her whole shape looked outraged. "We'll be working together for _years_. We can't just dodge each other for the next… I don't know… forever… So, you really wanna ignore me? Not talk to me? Real mature, Alex, even for you," she spat out towards him. Alex actually had to smirk. _Mature. How dare she? _"What? What are you laughing at?"

"You wanna work together? Fine. Go monitor Keegan's post-ops. He better be alive in the morning. Have a fun night," he told her, taking off, leaving her to stand there completely taken aback.

Once Alex' initial surge of shock and overwhelming pain which of course he had yet to admit to had died down, he had tried to ignore Jo for the better part of the following couple of weeks. It was pretty easy since as a 4th year resident he was mostly allowed to choose what cases to take and which ones to chuck whereas Jo as the intern did not have a say in anything. So, he could dodge her just fine. She had come up to him several times, trying to talk but he had walked away every single time. Privately, he had started up entertaining himself again big time, picking a different chick every night for a whole week. Life was bliss. Alex knew how to if he wanted to. And he really did. He wouldn't let himself get dragged down there again. He had pined for Jo, he had hurt, he had had his heart ripped out by her. But then he had moved on, moved to Seattle, started a new life, got married, divorced, had a couple of serious relationships, he had gotten over Jo. At least that's what Alex told himself, day after day. He really had thought he had, however, if he admitted it to himself – which of course he didn't – he had never thought that seeing her again, having her this close again, would still hurt him so damn much, would stab him in the chest mercilessly, would make him feel dizzy when she was standing next to him on those days that he couldn't dodge her. He could still feel the tingles when their hands touched unintentionally and he could still feel his heart pump crazy amounts of blood and the heat rushes when she stood closer than she was supposed to, in a crammed elevator or during surgery. But it all was drowned out by the anger and hurt he had been accumulating around the image of her in his brain. When he thought about it rationally, he knew he couldn't blame her. He had opened up to her in a way that he should have never done, it was his fault, really. Of course she had ditched him after getting what she wanted. Of course she had run off. It was his fault to let her close when he knew how much she meant to him. It was his fault. And that's why he wouldn't let himself go there. So, he entertained himself with the waitress, and the nurse, and the drug rep. It was bliss.

Alex sipped at his Scotch madly, since his thoughts had gone there again, even though he was trying so hard not to. _Why the hell was she here? His life was good. It had been so good. He had come here, had gotten married, divorced, he had friends here, and now she was back? Now everything he had tried so hard to leave behind was following him here? What the fuck? How was he supposed to grow and mature if he couldn't leave his past behind? _He startled when Cristina came back to sit in her spot again after having used the bathroom, staring at him.

"Where's Mer at anyways?" he asked her, still staring down at his drink, wallowing in his emotional mess. Since she didn't respond, he looked up at her in annoyance, only to realize, it hadn't been Cristina claiming back her bar stool, but Jo having seated herself across the corner from him. She looked determined. And her eyes radiated something… and he thought it was hurt. _But why in the world would she be hurting? That didn't make any sense. That thought was just ridiculous. _

"Leave me alone," he maddened immediately. Jo sighed but never unlatched her eyes from his.

"Are you done hurting me back?" she started the conversation matter-of-factly. Alex shook his head slightly in irritation.

"What the hell are you talking about?"

"Can we talk now?" she said again, singling him out.

"Just… go away," he shot out, taking a sip of his drink, glaring at her. Jo looked back at him and he thought he could see her whole fighting demeanor waver for a moment. Then she sighed and changed her face completely. Alex guts felt stabbed. _What the hell was happening?_

"I am so, so sorry about what happened in Boston. I…I don't even know what to say," she tried to explain but seemed at a loss for words. "I really am sorry, Alex, you gotta believe me. And I get that you're mad and you're hurt and… God, Alex, I know I screwed up," she put her hands over her face for a moment to steady herself, Alex watching her intently, before she calmed and looked him steady in the eye. "I genuinely didn't know you worked here. Nobody ever told me," Alex knew exactly who she was talking about. "We haven't… we kinda lost track of each other. We only talk every now and then and… I really didn't know, Alex, believe me. But now we're both here and neither of us is going anywhere. We'll need to work together for years now. So, please, _please, Alex,_ just talk to me," she begged him, having let all her guard down, trying to coax something out of him.

"Really?" he narrowed his eyes at her. "You wanna talk now?" Jo nodded, her face scrunched up in helplessness and pain he thought. _But why?_

"Yes, please," she whispered softly, watching him get something out of his wallet. He was just getting started. _If she wanted to do this, fine. He knew how to play dirty. Jo knew him, probably still better than anyone else. Right now, she had to know he was angry beyond reason._

"Okay, let's talk," he spat at her, whacking a rumpled piece of paper on the counter. "Care to explain this?" he looked at her piercingly, his gaze never wavering. Jo's eyes widened a tenth of an inch and he could see her gulp and try shaping a sentence.

"You still have that?" she inquired under her breath, disbelievingly. "I can't believe you still have that," she looked down at the note she had written to him years ago, before leaving him after their night together. Alex kept staring at her, trying to read her expression. She looked… defeated, somehow. When she looked up at him, it staggered him how her eyes had glazed over and how he could observe that deep crease on her forehead that she only ever showed when she was close to breaking point. "Alex, I'm so, so sorry. I don't even… I mean I can't… I was… Oh, God, Alex, I know how much I hurt you… trust me, I _know. _Oh God, I don't even know what to say, I was so young…," she shook her head frantically, her eyes flitting between the sheet and Alex, trying desperately to say something that would make it better.

"That was like three years ago," Alex pointed out to her, unsympathetic.

"So?" she looked up at him, annoyed now it seemed. "You got married…and divorced in between from what I hear," she snubbed back.

"That is _none_ of your freaking business. It has nothing whatsoever to do with you if I got married or divorced or whatever the fuck I did," Alex hollered at her.

"I'm just saying…lots happened… people change," she said, faltering. "I've changed, you've changed," Jo matched their eyes again, trying to receive some compassion from him. "Lots can happen in three years and it certainly did with me. And I think you evolved, too, I don't think you are the very same person that you were three years ago," Jo tried to make her point.

"Just because I got married and divorced doesn't mean I've changed," Alex gave her back and motioned for Joe to pour him another.

"Oh really?" Jo jumped. "So, does that mean you would still sleep with me if, say, tonight resulted in us getting wasted and going home together?" Jo looked at him pitilessly now, mad about him not wanting to see, not wanting to understand. Alex just snorted, sipping at his drink again.

"No, thank you. So you can walk out on me again?" he raised his eyebrows at her, challenging her. Jo sighed and bit her lip, closing her eyes for a moment as if she was trying to blind out her insides or something. Or at least that's what she looked like… that was a face he _did _remember… he remembered them as teenagers, sitting at dining tables together, sitting opposite of Ms. Morgan's desk together_, _people telling her horrible stuff about her life, he clearly remembered that face, that behavior she now showed as well, she was trying to gulp down the pain. The only thing Alex didn't know was _why_? He watched her do it for a second before she opened up her eyes again.

"What I meant was, if _that_ hadn't happened… I mean… if I had never…," she tried to voice the word but seemed unable to.

"…walked out on me? I was there, you can say it out loud," Alex told her completely emotionally void. If it wasn't for him being incredibly hurt as well, he would have stopped because he saw how slowly but surely Jo was crumbling. She was trying, he saw that, but he didn't know why. He still hadn't figured out what had gone wrong that night, he still couldn't add 2 and 2 because hell, apparently he had been _amazing _but she had still walked out on him. So, he couldn't sympathize with her.

"I'm sorry for walking out on you, Alex, okay? I am. I'm so, so sorry. But are you really saying you'd sleep with me again if that hadn't happened? Are you, Alex?" Jo looked at him, demanding an answer.

"What the hell do you want from me?" Alex sighed deeply, tired now.

"God, Alex, I'm so sorry, I'm sorry! _I'm sorry, okay? _But you weren't the only one screwed up back then. You aren't the only one screwed up right here and now, either," Jo pleaded with him.

"Oh, that's sweet, thank you," Alex snarked.

"Ugh, Alex, don't play dumb," she accused him. "I know you understand me perfectly well. I'm just saying… I'm just as bad. I'm so screwed up. I'm still learning…most of the days I don't even know what I'm doing…," she tried for him to see.

"_So_, what do you want from me?"

"Can we at least treat each other normally? You're a 4th year resident, apparently a very successful one – not that I ever expected anything less from you but still – you're running services for pediatric surgeons, you're… you're all bad ass…," she frantically grasped at examples underlining her statement.

"Don't butt into my business," he warned her again.

"I'm not… I'm just trying to mend fences here, alright? Look, Alex," Jo put her hands on top of the counter, trying to lay down some facts, "Again, I'm sorry, I'm so, so sorry. Please, trust me, if there's one thing in my life that I regret with all my heart, then it's walking out that night…," she started out, trying to match eyes but Alex felt too vulnerable to look up at her and instead, stared at the golden liquid in his glass. "I wasn't in my right mind, I was outright scared. I panicked, alright? I was so screwed up, I didn't think I could do it. I didn't think I could just… I didn't think… come on, Alex, you were scared too, remember? I know it doesn't right my wrong but you weren't the only one putting up walls for years... I was too," Jo expressed herself. Suddenly, a scene he had tried to mash far down in between other memories came to the surface. _Jo lying in his arms, looking... scared. Him asking her if she was freaking out. Her denying it but never looking up at him. He had known then... that she was going to freak. He had known it. But he hadn't been able to help her since he was scared as hell, as well. He had known she was scared. _Alex sighed, tr_y_ing to not let this realization get the better of him. "And I know that walking out on you was the _worst_ thing I could have ever done to you, I ruined everything we had… everything there was between us…I…," Jo stuttered aimlessly.

"There wasn't anything between us," Alex just said, dismissively. _Just go away, you're tiring me. It's so exhausting to hurt. And I'm hurting just fine without you making it even worse. _

"Oh, come on now, stop already," Jo bawled at him. "Don't be ridiculous. I'm saying _sorry_ here, okay? I… the minute I walked out I wanted to turn back, the minute I closed the door shut behind me I wanted to run back inside, into the safety of your arms, I just… I was so scared. I sat on your doorstep for an hour or longer, I had already shaped the words I was gonna tell you in my mind… I was gonna tell you that I freaked for a second and I was so scared you'd push me away even if I came back but I had it all thought through what to tell you why I freaked for a second and that I wanted nothing more than to stay with you. I had a moment of weakness, okay? I didn't think I could do it, I was scared, Alex… but I wanted to come back… and then I realized I didn't even have your number," Jo chuckled inappropriately for a second before inhaling deeply. When Alex looked up at her face for the first time in a long while, he could see her chin trembling. _What was she saying? _"And then I completely freaked… I had no chance of going back in there… I had no way to right this wrong I had done," she added. Alex really didn't wanna discuss this, he didn't. He didn't want her to explain, he didn't wanna understand. He just wanted her to go away. But he couldn't help himself but be curious. He hated himself for it but at some point during their conversation, amongst all pain and anger, he had felt a spark of hope inside him. Hope for something he didn't wanna admit to even want…

"Why didn't you just ring the bell?"

"I was scared Adam was gonna catch me at it," Jo told him neutrally. Alex frowned at her.

"And you thought that Adam seeing you was the worst thing happening to me that night? You really thought I would have cared if Adam saw you with me?" he snarled at her disbelievingly. "_You broke my freaking heart_, Jo. You walked out on me when I finally let all my guard down… you walked out on me when I finally accepted that you were the only one I had ever truly wanted… that I had needed for years," Alex heard himself say the words frantically, out of control, and immediately wanted to take them back. He hadn't meant to say those things, ever. He hadn't wanted for her to hear those words. He could feel how his insides were trying to kill him and took a deep breath to calm down.

"I didn't know that," Jo responded. Alex looked at her madly, now.

"What do you mean you didn't know that… are you dumb? I mean… you couldn't have thought that Adam seeing you would be worse than losing you! Come on, Jo, you are smarter than that. What the hell are you playing dumb for?" Alex raged at her.

"No, Alex! I _didn't_ know that," now Jo was getting mad, yelling herself into frenzy. "You have never once told me, just _what_ it is you feel for me. Not once! All those years I had no idea if I was running myself into something with loving you the way I did, with longing for you, hurting for you - I had no freaking idea," Jo looked at his taken aback demeanor. _What the hell was she on about? Did she really just say... did she just use the... did she say love me? _"All you ever kept saying was how much Amber and Aaron needed me, how much _they_ adored me, how I was part of _their_ family and how I couldn't leave because _they_ wanted me there. Not once did you tell me that _you_ needed me, that _you _wanted me there. Not once did you tell me what I was supposed to think about _us_," she yelled. "What I _did_ know, Alex, was how much you wanted for nobody to realize that we were friends, that we knew each other outside of school, how big of an effort you made that nobody would realize we had a connection, that everybody was to deny that we grew up together! And even the people who did know, the ones that grew up with us, you made sure that they never heard about our _almost_ kiss and that we were much more than best friends, even though they all knew, they knew better than we did. I did know that, Alex," she raged on, Alex having dropped his gaze to the counter_._ "Adam still doesn't know that I actually lived in the group homes with you. Adam, your best friend in this entire world. Adam who knew about your family and your fostering and juvie… Adam who you shared everything with, he didn't even know about me… so, no, Alex, I didn't know that losing me was a lot more to take for you than showing me off to Adam," Jo took a deep breath when she had finished her rant, and when Alex looked up, he could see that she was trying very hard not to lose tears. Alex' breathing hitched and he felt like all his insides had been washed with lead. They shared a look, before Jo spoke up once more, quietly now, though. "I didn't do all the wrongs in this, Alex. I'm not responsible for every freaking mistake that has ever been made between us. I was scared, too. Scared out of my mind because the freaking… only person that I have ever truly wanted to be with had never once told me that he wanted me back," she whispered, dropping her gaze.

"I did tell you," Alex interjected, very quietly, though.

"Bullshit, when?"

"You asked me to kiss you if I really meant it that night and I did," Alex explained himself.

"Really? That's all you can give me? You kissed me back and that was you telling me you wanted me?"

"Yes…," Alex whispered, averting his eyes, feeling small. _Oh God, what had he done?_ They sat in silence for a moment, both pondering about what had been said. _What the hell was that supposed to mean now? _Alex sighed and looked up when Jo rose to speak again.

"You remember the one time when I was like 11… and we saw each other for like the second time or something like that… I mean, ever," Jo questioned him slowly.

"You mean when you beat up that boy for trash talking Aaron?" Alex gave her back, knowing all too well what she was talking about.

"Yeah," Jo smiled slightly, going down memory lane.

"What about it?"

"I told you I wasn't scared of anything or anyone, remember?" Alex nodded when she paused. "…that was a lie… I mean, no, no it wasn't… It really wasn't a lie… I mean not at that time. I had no idea… I just… there's many things I'm scared of… and I've always been so scared of my feelings for you. And your feelings for me… they scare me. There's so many of them," she continued. _She was talking in present tense, right? He wasn't imagining that, right?_ "There's… just… I'm scared, alright? So I messed up… so I didn't have to deal with them, alright?" when she looked up at him, he knew she needed his approval. But he couldn't, he really tried but he couldn't. "With telling you all this now… I didn't mean to say that it was your fault I ran out… I didn't. I mean you are at fault for some parts… you really are… but that doesn't make my wrong right, I know that," she nodded at him.

"So, what? Why are we even talking about it anymore? It's been years. It's history. It's over, I don't get what you want from me," Alex told her soberly.

"But it's not, don't you see?" Jo seemed agitated again, this time being _so c_lose to just letting her tears spill over, and he could see it clearly. "It's not over, Alex… it's not…," she begged with him but he just looked at her stone-faced. "Please, Alex, tell me it's not over for you… cause it's not… it's not over for me," she pleaded. _God, just stop, please stop. I can't do this. _

"Why's this… _hairball_ sitting in my seat?" they both startled when Cristina finally came back from the bathroom and they realized they were in the middle of Joe's bar, screaming at each other. Their eyes burned into each other, and Alex knew, Jo needed an answer. "You mind moving over?" Cristina looked at the intern in irritation. When Jo didn't move, Alex looked at her exasperatedly.

"You heard her," he told her. Jo sighed and he knew, she was going to take one step out of this bar and all her tears were going to fall. He knew it. He knew her. She'd never do it in front of Yang… or the rest of the hospital that had gathered here. Never. But they were there. And apparently she was hurting. And Alex was hurting because she was hurting. But the pain that was still there for her leaving him… that pain that she had caused… that she had now tried to explain… and even though the explanations helped, they didn't take the pain away… and that pain was hurting a lot more than for him to be able to soothe _her_ pain. Jo stared at him for another moment, probably trying to give him one more chance to change his mind, but he didn't, so she got up.

"Okay, I'm backing off," she moved backwards, still sharing a gaze with him. He nodded at her, turning back towards Yang, trying to black out the tears that he had already noticed rolling down her cheeks silently. He looked down at his drink. When he heard the door squeak open and then bang close, he sighed and gulped down the full glass. _I said do not let yourself get dragged down there again. _


	19. Somehow, we'll get through this

The summer went by almost unnoticed. Alex had gotten used to Dr. Stark's bitching, he had started blanking out the long rambles Arizona kept giving him about second chances and the beauty of love and how her days smelled like roses whenever she got to see Callie, whatever that was supposed to mean, and whatever more. They had all managed to get Cristina out of Joe's and back into scrubs, he had started a fling with a very hot med student they had been paired up with for a teaching day Alex had initially opposed but had now declared worthy of his time. The only thing he hadn't managed to get on with was how Jo and him had left things. Tension between them was still heavy, whenever they had to spend time together in a secluded room with no immediate exit possibilities. Usually, Alex managed it just fine to not run into her during his shift, he would pull himself back whenever he saw her lingering somewhere and he tried to keep an eye out for her whenever he went to Joe's or other social gatherings. The words she had told him about that night… the reasons she had explained to him about leaving him… hurting him… everything made so much sense. Everything suddenly fit, everything that had been bothering him for years. _The sex, the words and confessions, the kisses, the hugs, her burning stares that had given him goosebumps, when she suddenly wouldn't match their eyes anymore, more sex, the note__. _None of it had ever made any sense to him. And now, if trusting in what she had told him, if believing her was what he decided to do, he finally had the chance to have some closure. Because it made sense. Alex' problem was, though, that he was so far from closure, he couldn't even tell directions.

_Tell me it's not for you because it surely isn't for me. It's not over! _The words kept hollering inside his head. _Was it? Over? _And what did she mean with saying over? There hadn't ever been anything between them… yes, there had been feelings… but nothing substantial, right? So what was she even referring to? Did he even know what she had been trying to say? Maybe she meant something very different… Most of the days those feelings overwhelmed him, and annoyed him. He wanted nothing more than for them to shut up. On the other hand, even though Alex kept thinking about what it was… if there still was some… or if it really was… over…, he felt so, so angry. He had never been angrier with her, or with anyone for that matter. He was so mad at her for showing up in his life, over and over again, for making him fall for her, for leaving, for talking to him, for looking at him the way she did, for the memories of kissing her, touching her that made his insides ache for her. Alex was so unbelievably mad at her because he knew all too well that it wasn't over. Not for him. It'd probably never be over between them. And then he was scared, scared out of his mind for her having emerged again, out of thin air, after he had long learned to deal with the distant memory of her, with the pain. He had moved on. His life was different now. He had never anticipated her coming here. He couldn't deal with it. He was so scared. And then there was his life here, that he had built himself, excruciatingly slow, that had slapped him in the face more than once, but that he was finally okay with. _What about that?_

So, every time their eyes met over the nurses' counter before Alex turned to leave and every time the elevator doors closed too quickly for him to jump out of it, every time she rotated into Peds and Stark made them work together on a case, he could feel the sparks fly between them, he could grasp the tension as if it was actually tangible, he could feel the burn inside him for her eyes were burning into him. Every single time his pulse fastened a tiny bit and he could feel his hairline prickle, and Alex didn't believe that would ever cease, however, that was okay, he was learning to deal and live with it. He had also learned that keeping calm and not getting mad loudly, publicly, was a step into the right direction. People hadn't noticed one bit that Jo and him had some kind of history… any kind of troubles… nobody had noticed. To be fair, everybody had been trying to deal with their own problems, so it was rather easy.

Monday morning, he had already been in a mood but when he looked around for Jo had walked up towards him standing at the nurses' station, reading up on patients' charts, standing beside him closer than anybody else would, bolder than he knew he ever would be himself, he snapped.

"Go away," he barked at her through gritted teeth. "I can't deal with seeing your face all day as well," he grumbled.

"Don't be an ass, Alex," Jo warned him, glaringly. "I can't choose to not be on Stark's service. _You_ go somewhere else, if you can't stand being in the same room with me," she said, quieter, though. Alex sighed, looking back down towards his charts, trying to decipher Stark's horrible handwriting, defeated. They stood next to each other, waiting for Stark to arrive for rounds, neither of them saying anything. Jo was right and Alex knew it. It was just so hard to tell someone that they weren't a horrible person altogether when that someone had hurt one so badly. _Let alone tell her that even though she had only been there for some months, she had turned out to be a pretty decent doctor. From what he could tell. _It took a while but Alex decided to at least try to mend fences.

"You're the only one I can be angry at," he murmured after that long silent moment.

"Why? Because I'm the only one here?" Jo snarled back but he saw out of the very corner of his eye that her face and demeanor changed when she didn't see him moving, when she saw him just staring down at the charts, his face serious, and his eyes passive. "Sorry," she mumbled barely audibly. "What do you mean by that?" she asked him, more softly now.

"It's easier to be angry at people you know well. You can defend yourself better because when you know them well you know how they attack. With strangers, you can't defend yourself very well. Of course, this isn't true if people lie. Cause if they lie and wear masks, you can think you know them for years and then you actually don't," Alex whispered soberly, keeping his gaze down. He looked up when he heard her sigh, and saw a heartbroken face in front of him.

"Oh, Alex," she breathed out and they stared at each other, voluntarily, for the first time in years.

"Great, they gave me the hurting lovebirds to work with today, _awesome_," Dr. Stark interrupted their moment rudely, snatching away the charts. Jo put her hands inside her lab coat pockets, blushing slightly before averting her eyes while Alex just followed Stark wordlessly. _That was just a… he had only just said that, right? Without thinking? Just because they were staring at each other? People weren't talking or anything, right? He hadn't heard anything? Well, what would they have heard anyways…_

The day went by slowly, tediously. While Stark was doing surgery after surgery, Alex and Jo spent their hours lingering in the NICU where they had to monitor a day old preemie triplets. If Stark had really known about their situation and he had actually thought about it, he'd have hit the jackpot with putting Alex and Jo there together to spend time alone, with tiny babies that didn't distract one much except for if one of them stopped breathing again or the heart rhythm wouldn't pick up. Other than that, they sat in silence. All day long. Alex ignored Jo for the better part of the day while he still realized that Jo was struggling with herself to say something, to muster up the courage to talk to him. She managed to do so twice but both times they got interrupted, and Alex was glad. He didn't really feel like rejecting her continuously but there really was no way he was ready to talk to her. He was still so mad. So hurt. He couldn't even look at her properly. Every time they were standing close, working on one of the babies together, he fought against his eyes closing automatically, fought against his emotions getting the better of him. Alex didn't know why he fought at all. There wasn't a good reason for them to not talk to each other, maybe… try again? At least to be friends… but he was so scared. And so pissed. He really didn't know how many times he had to remind himself again of _why_ he was so pissed at her because being pissed had turned out to be his default mood with her lately. But he was, all the time, and it was very energy consuming. When they finally ended their shift, Alex immediately made his way out of the NICU and over towards the elevator. He could sense Jo following him but chose to ignore her. When he waited impatiently, tapping his foot on the floor, he could feel her standing next to him.

"You know, we've had rough patches before…," Alex made out Jo's very low voice besides him. "We've had months and months of ignoring each other and not talking and dejecting the fact that we actually _do _know each other and well," Jo got interrupted when the elevator door dinged open and Alex boarded the empty room, hitting the button. Jo got in behind him, not letting herself be maddened. "I just want you to know… I can take it, really, I can. But I'm… come on, Alex, I don't want us to be like this. Not talk? Not look at each other? I know it's hard to forgive… I know that… I know I screwed up so bad... I haven't even forgiven myself for it and I probably never will… but I told you, I'm sorry… and I… I'm not entirely sure what to say anymore to get you to see… because I can understand that you're hurt beyond belief, Alex… but it seems to me that you actually believe that I lied… that I didn't mean what I told you about growing up with you… about having fallen for you so badly, I couldn't breathe when you were gone from my life… you actually sound like you don't believe me when I say that that one night with you… was the best night in my entire existence… and I wouldn't trade anything in the world for that… whereas I would trade _everything_," at this she tried to reach out for his hand but he jerked away instantly, leaving her sighing, continuing a little quieter, "I'd trade _everything _for one more chance in taking back how it ended…. For one more chance to make this right… And I'm not sure if you realize that... but when I left... it wasn't because I didn't want you or need you, it wasn't because I didn't believe in you... it was because I didn't believe in myself... alright? I know you don't deserve the outcome of that... but, Alex, please, I _didn't _mean to hurt you... but then again, it'll probably sound so selfish to you...but I couldn't risk you hurting me again, either... I'm serious, if you had rejected me, I wouldn't have been able to take it. You have rejected me so many times in my life... I would have crumbled, I swear. And I know that's selfish and weak and... I don't know... I... God, I wish you would just say something...please, Alex, I'm... I just... is there anything that would make it better?" Jo shook her head at him questioningly. "I'll do it, I swear, I'll try for the rest of my life to make you see how much I...," she trailed of, seemingly gotten distracted by something in his face, "You know, no. I mean I totally will but will you? Will you even try?" Alex didn't react, so she continued her monologue. "Can I ask you something?" she interrupted herself to question him. Alex just grunted and shrugged. "When I tried to explain to you… the other week… about how I left… did you… I mean, I totally get that this doesn't make it okay… I just… can you at least try to understand? Please? Cause, you know… it's like… I feel like all I ever did was try to be there for you… and try to kinda… change reality for you, so you'd feel better about things… like I'd shut up about us… and I'd behave like you had wanted me to… I mean back at high school… and you _did_ help me a lot with the stuff I was going through too… I wouldn't have made it without you, really. I just feel like _my _problems and my… walls… and my fears… I feel like they don't seem as important to you… it has always been like _you've_ gone through so much stuff and you're allowed to be mad and pissed and hurtful about it but _I_ need to always make everything right? I'm not allowed to make any mistakes?"

Alex looked over at Jo unbelievingly. _What the hell was she saying? Was she actually lecturing him about how he hadn't been a good friend to her? _He snorted. "Sounds like I need to sympathize with you now about leaving me?" Jo flung her hands up and groaned.

"_No_, Alex, listen to me. I know I screwed up, I know that, _damn it, Alex_! But I just want you to know that I didn't mean to… if I could take it back I would but I already told you that. I wanted to wake you when all my fears took over but then all of a sudden paranoia set in and I was thinking what if you get really mad about me even asking you to please tell me that you want this too, that you're into this too, not just because I _made_ you sleep with me or something... I just... I needed you so bad and I couldn't cope with the fact that you might not feel for me as I feel for you. Cause Alex, I have never in my li-," Jo begged him now, but he interrupted when he sensed where this was heading.

"Don't," he brought up his hand to make her back off. There was a pause in which they looked at each other, deeply, and Alex for the first time actually felt how desperate Jo was about having once, probably only for a split second, been indimidated by her own fears that had paralyzed her and that had made her pull away from the only thing, the only person she really needed, and now couldn't seem to make it right. He couldn't even tell how many times he had been paralyzed by his fears himself. Everything inside him cramped and he just wanted to hold her. It wasn't like Alex wasn't trying to understand, wasn't trying to forgive... it was just... during the last months, his whole history had been rearranged, everything had turned with Jo showing up and enlightening about what had really happened that night. And it was really hard to... to just erase everything that had happened afterwards. That night, or rather, that morning after had defined the entire three years that followed for him. After that night, Alex really had started being the asshole everybody now knew him as... because he had started his internship at Seattle Grace only months after what had happened. And yes, after initial dick moves, he had actually fallen for Izzie, badly. And at that time, he had actually been so glad because he had thought he'd never be able to do so again. But opening up to Izzie hadn't been easy. It had been hard and it had been a long and torturous way there. Not that he had ever been able to forget about Jo, _no, _while he had to deal with daily life and the pains of being an intern and having fallen for a girl he wasn't entirely sure he would be able to hold on to, he had continuously been thinking about Jo, never being able to rid of her image. This brought him back to the present time.

_Was he in love with her?_ Alex felt his heart pump a little faster, when hearing the words in his mind. _Really_,_ Alex? Did you really just have to ask yourself that? You freaking love Jo, and you know it. You can deny it all you want but you always have. You can't live without her. At least not properly. She was the only good thing that had ever happened to you. Alright, that's not true now, either. But she surely had been the only genuinely healthy thing that had ever happened to him. Complications and hurdles and pain be there or not, but they had always been good together. They just got each other. And knew exactly how to be there for one another._ Alex felt his face relax and subsequently his body calm down. And_ she was right... He himself had screwed up so many times... he couldn't even count them anymore. He had rejected her for years and years. He had left her, abandoned her, had never told her what he had felt for her... which was everything... She was the world to him. Even now, after years and years had passed. _Alex gulped, trying to make sense of all his thoughts and emotions. _Yes, when Izzie had left him, it had hurt like hell but then he had gotten over it_. _He had loved her so much, so damn much but he had still gotten over her. But how? Why? And why the hell couldn't he get over Jo even though it had been so long, so freaking long since they last had a normal conversation, since they had last touched each other. _Was this right? Or was he running himself into something just because they had years of history... just because they had known each other forever, just because she knew him better than he thought he knew himself?

_But was he in love with her like... now? _Alex thought about it. There hadn't been one day during Izzie's cancer when he hadn't asked himself if he'd hallucinate Jo would the roles have been reversed. _He so would. Right? God, Alex, you love her. You love her, damn it. _He had loved Izzie. So much. The difference was that he still loved Jo whereas he had gotten over Izzie. _Which didn't make any sense, did it? Ugh, Alex.._. And it seemed like she had never stopped, either. _Right? _What was funny though, at this moment, in his thoughts, Alex was thinking all about how he loved Jo and she probably loved him whereas in reality he had no idea... and he was way too scared to even... think about it consciously or talk about it... or anything. When Alex tried to get himself back from zoning off, he realized that Jo had zoned out, too, having lost herself in his eyes. He sighed, making her blink her eyes and look at him torn. _She was scared. Was she scared of him?_

_Oh God what's she doing now? No! _Alex took a step back when she seemed to get closer to do... he didn't know what she wanted to do but he couldn't have her touch him. He wasn't ready. His wounds hadn't healed properly. Jo looked like he had just shot a sharp knife through her heart with putting space between them and she pressed her lips together and closed her eyes, and he knew, she was trying to keep her tears in. _Oh God, Jo, why did you leave? Why didn't you just wake me? Why didn't you ring the freaking door bell? _She turned away from him since her tears had started falling and he felt so helpless. _Oh, please don't cry. Please don't do that to me. I can't get over the fact that it still hurts while I wanna forgive you so badly._

"I don't know how to say I'm sorry anymore," she cried heartbreakingly, quietly though, her voice shaking terribly. After a few moments, she took a deep breath, calming herself, wiping away her tears before she looked at the elevator screen and pulled the emergency stop, facing him, steady now. "I just… can you please just tell me that you do see what I'm talking about? That you do realize that I've had so much crap going on in my life just as well and it's at least somewhat comprehensible for you that I did not do what I did because I'm an evil bitch who hates you and wanted to use you? I need you to understand that I did what I did because I am so screwed up. Really, at this point I'm not even asking you to forgive me or if we could maybe try start anew… _I'm not_… at this point I'm really just asking you to please give me some credit. I'm not a horrible person, I just mess up a lot. And I thought after I explained it to you, you might have taken at least a second to think about it and decide that mistakes happen and you have failed before too and you have had hard times because you never really learned how to do it maturely. I'm just asking for some understanding because you know… I can take a lot, but Alex, I can't take you looking at me like you hate me. I can't have you hate me. I couldn't take it," she stated, sighing and pushing the button again, choking back some more tears. _Wow, when had she started to be the crying type? This really had to hurt her more than he had thought it would. Maybe she really did mean it… or something._ They stood there, waiting in silence for a moment.

"Just because you explained it, doesn't make it go away," Alex pointed out weakly. Jo looked over in surprise for an actual answer.

"I know," she scrunched up her face, trying to make out what that had meant explicitly.

"I don't hate you," Alex shook his head, sighing. There was a short pause in which they looked at each other insecurely.

"Are you sure?" Jo inquired, her eyes looking vulnerable. Alex chuckled, sadly.

"No," he gave her back. "But I'm trying not to," he said, trying to make an effort, too. She was right. Maybe he had to cut her some slack. Maybe not everything was as black and white as he always thought. At least there were always two sides to a story.

"Okay. I'm glad. I'm glad we're trying," she told him quietly. Alex nodded.

"Me too," he said, and walked out without looking back when the elevator dinged open again.

After that awful day, Alex was exhausted. He didn't know what to think anymore, and on top of that… he really didn't know what to feel or what he felt at all. He couldn't tell. He had buried all those feelings so deeply and now they had all resurfaced and he didn't even know where to start to work through them. He had heard what Jo was saying. He really had. And he did think about it. All the time. He felt like he didn't think about much more anymore than Jo and work. She was there, all the time, and he tried blanking her out, but he just couldn't. It was ridiculous. Alex couldn't blank Jo out of his life. Jo… kinda was his life. At least… she had been… for years and years. And even if he did hear her… he couldn't tell if what she was saying was concerning past actions… or the present… or even the future. He couldn't tell. So, there really wasn't anything he wanted to do more than he did at the moment, watching Meredith refill his shot of tequila, having spread out across their living room, listening to April and Jackson ramble about stupid stuff, shutting them out and pondering by himself, relishing the strong burn of the alcohol down his throat. He'd only had two shots as of that moment but he was so dazed of everything going on in his mind that he barely noticed the bell ringing.

"Oh, that better be Cristina," Meredith got up hurriedly and skipped over towards the door, stopping short upon seeing their late night visitor through the glass door. "Alex," she said, a little confused, switching between looking at him and whoever was waiting to be let in jerkily. Alex looked around at her, questioning her with his gaze. "Umm… I think you should take this," she pointed at the door slowly. Alex frowned, gulping heavily. _She wouldn't come to his house, right? No, she wasn't that stupid. That bold. She couldn't even know where he lived. _He sighed and got up clumsily before walking over to stand next to Meredith, looking through the glass door, feeling how his heart stopped. _Oh God, what was going on? _Alex yanked the door open hastily, meeting two wide smiles, one of which he hadn't seen in over 7 years.

"Well," Amber said slowly, wriggling her eyebrows. "I know you taught us to not let strangers inside the house… but really, Alex, it has _only been seven years_," his little sister told him sarcastically, giving him a burning glare. He could feel all his friends' eyes at him before he saw the girl opposite him rush in and embrace him in a tight hug. He immediately reciprocated the sentiment and sighed deeply. "Hey stranger," she told him in a quiet whisper, and he could hear the pain that laced her voice. Alex scrunched up his face in pain. _He was at fault for this. He hadn't gone to see his siblings in years. He had left them behind after what had happened with Jo, too hurt, too pained to even talk to them anymore much, because all they did was remind him of her. But they were his family…. And his wrenching guts told him at the moment, just how wrong he had been for not keeping in touch with them. _Alex struggled to get his sister off him and walked a step over to hug his brother amicably before closing the door shut, both of them beaming up at him.

"What the hell are you guys doing here?" he immediately inquired. _God, what else was this day presenting him with?_

"Well, it's one thing to decide ditching your family wasn't the dick move it really is and do it anyways… _buuut_ we decided that it'd be so much fun stalking you at your new… home," Amber waved around, looking at the other people. "Or whatever that is," she said, her eyes lingering on Avery. "Um, don't you maybe wanna introduce us?" she smiled up at the gorgeous doctor flirtingly. Alex could hear Meredith and Aaron chuckle slightly and Jackson flash a toothy grin at his baby sister while April was wearing a disgusted face.

"Oh, don't even think about it, pretty boy," Alex chucked out, moving the party to the living room. Amber raised her eyebrows at her brother testily but still smiling as if she were challenging him. "Everybody, you remember my brother Aaron. And that's my _baby _sister Amber," he waved towards his family dismissively.

"Just for the record," Amber turned towards Jackson, shining flashy eyes at him, "I turned 21 this year," she said, making all people except for Alex chuckle.

"What the hell are you doing here?" Alex repeated, sitting down on the armrest of the couch on which he had placed his siblings. Amber looked around the room interestedly, ignorant of her oldest brother's questioning, smoothing her fingers over the couch.

"It's _nice _here. Do you have a really rich girlfriend or something? Oh," she smiled at Meredith knowingly. "Are you Alex' superrich girlfriend?" Meredith chuckled before shaking her head.

"Aaron, what are you here for?" Alex turned his gaze over to his brother, awaiting an answer.

"Well," Aaron started hesitantly, glancing over his sister quickly, assessing her state, "we heard that they do free surgeries here… cause our big shot brother has established himself somehow… or something," he led the conversation. Alex narrowed his eyes and felt his guts sink.

"Oh God, what happened? Who is it? What do you need?" he immediately panicked. They both sighed and Alex watched his sister losing her smile and gaining a deadly looking face, fixating on a spot on the opposite wall.

"_I _think we're gonna give you guys some privacy," Meredith took the silent moment to excuse herself and the other two doctors who all walked out sheepishly, still with their shot glasses in hand, earning polite smiles from Amber and Aaron.

"Spit! What's going on?" Alex barked at them, flitting his eyes from Amber to Aaron and back. Amber took a deep breath before shaping words.

"You know, I'd have never known that dealing with all that hospital crap was getting pretty tedious after a while if you hadn't left… I really am kinda grateful… I mean… imagine I would have never gotten to experience that," she pointed out emotionally-void.

"Alright, I get your point, move on," Alex spurred her. He saw how Aaron rolled his eyes at his siblings in irritation of their behavior.

"No, I'm just saying… I really am grateful. I've had my liver observations over the years… it's been a pain but really… I've gotten so used to them… that I really can't imagine not going into the hospital annually anymore," she continued.

"What are you saying, Amber?" Alex asked her threateningly. Amber bit her lip, angrily it seemed, before matching their eyes again, silently.

"They found hepatosomething carcisomething on her liver," Aaron swooped in, tired of them both playing the cold-shouldered ones. "She has a tumor, Alex," he said. Alex entire face drained of his blood. _Had he just heard him right? Oh God! _Alex unlatched his eyes from his brother's to look over Amber. _Why hadn't he seen it before? _Amber was very well made up. She was growing her hair longer and she had tons of make-up on her face, wearing jewelry and having dressed fancily, looking all happy, radiating youth and health. But underneath that surface, he could see small worry lines on her forehead and her eyes looked just a little saggy, her complexion a tiny bit out of the ordinary and she was definitely too thin. Amber was sick. _Fuck! How could he have just left them alone in this? _Alex felt like crying. They sat in silence, staring at each other forever, Alex trying to digest the shock that dazed him. "You know, we didn't come here for you to stare at Amber. We came here for your help. We've done okay without you, really. We've gotten over you ditching us back in Iowa. We have. And Amber has done amazing with everything… with her disease… you know? But this… this is more than we can handle… we just… Alex, we need you. Amber needs you," Aaron told him quietly. What Alex saw in front of him broke his heart. He had cared for them for all his childhood. And when he had gone off to college, everything was still fine, they had their foster family, they kept in touch, they saw each other at least once a month, everything was fine. Everything had changed, though, when Alex had moved to Boston and had put miles and miles between him and his siblings. They still talked on the phone every now and then, but it wasn't the same. And then Jo happened… and nothing was the same. He had just dropped off the face of the earth. And had left them hanging. _And now Amber was even sicker than before, and Aaron looked overwhelmed and scared, as usual, and Alex felt terrible. Terrible for having left his family, terrible for having let his own emotional state grow more important than his family. He hated himself momentarily. _After a moment, Alex tried to gather himself and inhaled sharply, moving his eyes over towards Amber, immediately going over to business.

"Do you have any films?" Alex inquired. Amber nodded indifferently, still staring at him, madly, while Aaron opened a huge duffel bag and got out some films, handing them over towards his older brother. Alex shuffled them out of the sleeve impatiently, holding them against the light, studying them. "What did they say at your last observation? When was that? Have you had any procedures done?" all the questions bubbled out of him, realizing the very moment that he really should have known all about them. Amber stared at him for another second before exhaling noisily.

"Last month. And yes, they removed scar tissue last year," she informed him curtly. Alex nodded and then dropped the films, looking at them helplessly.

"Why did it take you so long to come here?" he asked them exasperatedly.

"We had to save up for the flight. And you know, there's still mom to take care of… don't know if you remember her…," Amber averted her eyes, raising her eyebrows in disgust.

"_Why didn't you call? _I could have sent you money! _Why did it take you a month to tell me this?" _

"Oh, here he goes," Amber chuckled evilly, and Alex saw how Aaron rolled his eyes, sighing. _Yeah, Aaron had gotten out all his raging emotions last year on his visit, now it was Amber's turn. _"Tell me, Alex, why haven't you called the last… what? Three years at least? And that was only because of mom? And not shown your face the last seven years? If Aaron hadn't come here last year, we probably wouldn't even know about you… dead or alive," she spat at him. Alex bit his lip and sighed.

"It's your life we're talking about, Amber," he tried to make her see.

"Yeah, same here, Alex. You were a big part of my life once. I don't get why you can just… _disappear… _what happened? What happened to you, Alex?" she looked at him with wide eyes now. Alex dropped his head to the side an inch.

"Lots happened, baby girl," he said, walking over and taking a seat right next to her on the couch. "I'm glad you came," he added, taking her into a hug, embracing her tightly. He could feel how she nodded and trembled in his embrace, cuddling into his chest. When he looked down, he could see her lose a couple of tears, making his insides ball up even more. _You're so, so stupid, Karev, you know that? _He looked over at Aaron, giving him a small smile. _Thank you. _He mouthed towards him, knowing exactly that he had been the one convincing Amber to even come here. When they pulled apart, they looked at each other before Amber slapped his head something in between playful and forceful, making him wince but laugh, seeing how her lips were tugging up slightly, trying _not _to smile.

"I hate you," she said, looking much more like the little girl he had used to know.

"I know. I wish you'd still hate all boys, though," Alex pointed out, sighing, making both his siblings laugh.

"Well, I grew up, too, you know," she smiled now.

"No, you didn't," Alex shook his head vehemently, and then laughed. They all enjoyed a bit of comfortable silence, all of them resting in a side hug. "Let's go fix you, alright?" Alex whispered, squeezing her back. When he tried to get up, Amber held him down and looked at him with big eyes, gulping.

"Do you really think this is something you guys can fix?" she voiced in such a low voice, it broke Alex' heart. He looked at her and then at Aaron, who looked just as scared, grabbing his knee to support him, too.

"Remember when I used to tell you, we'll get through this, and when we get out of here, everything will be alright?" he said, smiling slightly. They both nodded like they were kids again. "We'll do absolutely everything we have to… to make _just that _happen, you hear me?" They both nodded again, trying to put on their fighting faces, like they always had, almost making Alex chuckle while his guts set. _He really hoped that what he had just told them was at least somehow matching the truth._


	20. Together

"You didn't tell me angel spawn was back!"

Alex looked at the ceiling and sighed in exasperation, already tiptoeing on the edge about this whole situation, once the entire staff of the hospital seemed to be trailing inside Amber's hospital room which they had directed her to the night before, Cristina and Meredith leading the way. Aaron smiled slightly, chuckling, whereas Amber looked baffled.

"Who's _angel spawn?_" she chucked out curiously. Cristina's gaze shifted from Aaron to look at their sister.

"And he brought a little replica of himself! Who is this?" she asked uninhibited, as usual.

"This is our sister Amber," Aaron told her immediately, making them shake hands amicably. Meredith smiled at Alex while Cristina looked intrigued.

"Why the hell are you calling my brother _angel spawn_?" Amber laughed.

"Well, see, baby Karev," Cristina momentarily nicknamed her, "your precious brother Alex here has been known as evil spawn due to his charming character," she informed her, Amber breaking out in laughter, "so when I first met Aaron, it was clear that he is the complete opposite of that jerk sitting over there acting all _I'm too cool for this shit,_" she gave him a face which he returned with narrowed eyes. _He did love their banter but he really didn't like his friends to mingle with his family. Nothing good ever came from that. _

"This is hilarious," Amber cooed.

"No, it's not," Alex told her off.

"It kinda is," Aaron mixed in. "Especially taking into account that once upon a time back in Iowa people referred to Amber and me as the _angel twins, _whereas everybody knew Alex and Jo as the _evil twins_," he chuckled. Amber nodded, still shaking with laughter. Alex frowned and shook his head.

"What the hell are you two talking about?"

"_Jo_? As in Jo Wilson?" Cristina spoke up, astonished. Alex' head turned over towards her slowly, not knowing how to react, realizing only then that Cristina had indeed overheard part of his and Jo's conversation at Joe's a while back. He knew that she could read in his face that it was true, and he tried to put on a mask but it was too late. Meredith's eyes bulged and Cristina chuckled.

"I knew you guys had history," she exclaimed.

"You know Jo Wilson? As in… the intern?" Meredith shot out, having forgotten all about their surroundings.

"Wait, hold on, what are you guys talking about? How do you guys know Jo?" Amber spat out, having ceased her laughter when the conversation had gotten interesting and both her and Aaron stared at Cristina demandingly before shooting Alex a stare in between mad and confused. Alex bit his lower lip uncomfortably. Just as Cristina had formed her reply, Webber started shushing them.

"Alright, Ms. Karev," Bailey was the first one to speak amongst the perceived fifty people having crowded around Amber's bed, looking at Alex' sister almost motherly.

"Oh, please call me Amber," the patient immediately interrupted, not even letting the doctor start off properly, and smiled up at her widely. Alex rolled his eyes. He already knew that everybody was going to fall in love with his little sister. It had always been like that. Everybody was already all smiley and he knew, it wasn't because everybody was so interested in Amber's case that they had all come in to round on her but they all died for a glimpse of his family. If Alex hadn't been completely knocked out from not having slept all night because he had brought her in and admitted her and feeling overwhelmed and nervous about what's coming up for them, which made him sick to his stomach, he would have shooed them all out, but he really didn't have the nerves to do so. So, he just sat at the edge of the bed by the window, his legs spread out towards Amber's bed, his hands thrust inside his jeans pockets and waited for them to continue. Aaron who was sitting in bed with Amber, having put a protective, big brotherly arm around her, nudged his sister to shut up and let the doctors talk.

"Amber, then," Bailey continued, the chief standing next to her and giving his little sister an encouraging smile as well. "I know you've already been admitted last night and they've done some tests on you and you've probably heard all this before, many times thoughout your still very young life, but for our sake, we'll need to repeat your history really quick, okay?" Bailey explained for her, making her nod and the doctor looked back at the endless amount of interns in the room trying to pick one. Alex was very grateful that at least his friends had refrained from coming in and eavesdropping, all having gone over to different services, giving his family some privacy. Meredith and Cristina were the only ones present, and he knew, even if they'd never say, they really only were there to show him some support. He appreciated that. Especially because he knew they weren't the type to pry - once he really put his foot down - or even go around telling people stuff about the Karevs. His gaze flitted around people, trying to make out if Jo was present since he was taken aback that she hadn't come forward yet. Meanwhile, Bailey had singled out the intern that had been there when Amber had been admitted last night.

"Amber Karev, 21," the intern spoke up, however, that moment Alex got distracted with spotting Jo entering the room hastily, apparently having just appeared for rounds, adjusting her ponytail messily. He sighed and then interrupted the doctor whose name he didn't know, earning an irritated glare from both Webber and Bailey.

"I'd wait another minute," he pointed out, the doctors' eyes all on him, giving him confused looks, while his siblings showed surprise on their face. He turned his face over towards Jo who was behind rows and rows of doctors and was looking at him also, scrutinizing him really, since she could probably see him leaning against the bed wearing street clothes instead of scrubs while she couldn't see who the patient was. He motioned her towards the front with his head, making her frown and look at him in suspense, pointing a finger at herself and asking him silently if he had really meant her. Every other pair of eyes turned towards Jo who was still hovering at the door, making Alex roll his eyes and nod.

"What's going on, Karev?" Bailey barked at him impatiently. Alex sighed when Jo finally made her way to the front and Amber let out a piercingly loud squeal, making everyone jump and cover their ears, while Jo's eyes went wide and she looked in between Alex, Aaron and Amber in disbelief.

"That's why I thought you should wait," he pointed out weakly towards the doctors, who were all just recovering from the bad start Amber was responsible for and watching the hugging girls questioningly.

"What the hell are you doing here, Amber?" Jo spat out, pulling her back to scrutinize her at arm's length, seeming worried.

"I guess you'll find that out in just a second, cause they're gonna talk about my _history_," the younger girl winked at her wearing a mock excited face, beaming widely. "What the hell are _you_ doing here? _Alex-,"_ Amber turned round towards her brother chidingly. "You didn't even say anything, what the hell?" her eyes narrowed at him.

"Alright, people, can we get this over with, we do have other patients to round on," Bailey tried to calm everybody. While Jo walked around Amber's bed, Alex looked over towards Meredith and Cristina. Meredith gave him a completely puzzled face while Cristina was smirking. He jerked his head in a tiny shaking motion to instruct them to please not make a big deal about it, before he instinctively shot out his arm when Jo seemed to fall over his stretched out legs that she hadn't seen, catching her softly. That was the moment, Alex _knew _he had numbed starting the minute Aaron and Amber had put him in the loop about what was happening. This was the closest Jo and him had been since... well since their night together... and even though he was only helping her stay on her feet, usually he would have felt jingles and mind-blowing fireworks inside of him. Now, he felt just as bad as he had a second ago, only his shoulder tweaked since all of Jo's magnificent 130 pounds max had bounced back from his arms. Alex matched her questioning eyes once she had steadied herself and she passed him to go hug Aaron.

"Hey," he heard her breathe out in his brother's arms and shook his head at himself barely visible to anyone else for he could feel jealousy rising inside of him which he knew was completely baseless and also, highly inappropriate since him and Jo were nothing to each other at this point in time. _Ugh, stop thinking like that. If you're always going to say 'momentarily', 'right now', 'in Seattle', you're never gonna get over her. And you wanna get over her, right? _When they parted, they stayed in a side hug and looked over towards the presenter.

"Alright, Amber Karev, 21, admitted last night for a hepatocellular carcinoma," the intern repeated, and Jo's eyes went wild, sucking in a deep breath, making Amber and Aaron look up at her from their lower position in Amber's bed and share a sad look. "Patient's history includes diagnosis of an immunodeficiency when she was 4 years old and the diagnosis of a chronic hepatitis B when she was 10 years old. Ms. Karev has had annual liver observations since 1998. Scar tissue was removed initially in March 2007. Patient came in with 5 week old scans, showing a 2 centimeter tumor on her liver," the doctor continued, every other doctor in the room scribbling down notes frantically. Jo turned back to shoot Alex a pained look, trying to assess his state, he thought. He matched their eyes but didn't show any emotions. He really didn't know what he was feeling at the moment. They'd have to see. Also, they'd have to see about the outcome of the new scans from last night. "CT from last night showed that the tumor had grown since September and is now 2,5 centimeters," the intern concluded, making Bailey and Webber nod and Alex sigh, looking down to the ground.

"Thank you, Dr. Wiley. Alright, Amber, do you have any questions as of this moment?" Dr. Bailey immediately asked the patient. Amber looked back at the older woman with a smile and raised eyebrows.

"Uh, yeah, what are you planning to do now?" she asked her, making the doctor chuckle and take a step closer.

"Yes, of course. Okay, let me explain this to you. Again, you've probably heard all this before, but we _need _to talk this through. Your doctors back in Iowa probably told you that cirrhosis and/or liver carcinomas are a natural course of action with your chronic HBV. We will do everything we can to keep you healthy and happy and comfortable, I promise, _but_ the procedures that will have to be done will be strenuous on your body and your mind and your family," Dr. Bailey looked around, making everybody nod. "Alright. Now, talking business," she said, making Amber giggle. "Even though you've had scar tissue removed last spring, your liver still counts as what we call a non-cirrhotic liver, which is _good _since you have a long history of the HB virus in your systems and most livers would not look like yours does 11 years later. _Especially_ with you being immunocompromised," she started, being interjected by Cristina.

"Yeah, no kidding, how are you even sitting up like that?" Alex' fellow resident asked her without any embarrassment.

"_Yang_," Webber warned her from his spot besides Bailey.

"And looking so healthy and pretty at that," Meredith added with a good-natured smile. Amber smiled at them both in her usual peopleloving attitude.

"Enough, you two," Bailey snapped towards them. She immediately went over to her usual no-nonsense demeanor but obviously laced with a streak of softness due to who was sitting in that very hospital bed. "Alright, where were we? Oh, so, due to the lack of scar tissue or necrotic tissue on your liver we will be able to at least try to surgically resect the tumor, especially because since your tumor is, let's say, _only _two and a half centimeters and it _only _grew half a centimeter in five weeks, we are hoping to have caught it early enough and we have the chance that with monitoring this, the cancer has not metastasized yet and with radiation you'll have a very good chance of managing this," she stated.

"And with that you mean, you'll be able to give me five more years, right?" Amber responded straight-faced, making them all look at her in surprise. He wasn't surprised, she's had to live with her disease for 11 years now, of course she had read and talked about all her options before - procedures, survival rates, five year treatment plans. Alex sighed, feeling how his guts wrenched, and watched Jo roll her eyes up at the ceiling, fighting with herself it seemed.

"Dr. Bailey, with all due respect but I'm not sure Amber's liver can take it. Her liver's on a very thin line between being classified as cirrhotic and non-cirrhotic and surgical resection may be the wrong choice of treatment, it could lead to liver failure-," Jo started saying, making Bailey glare at her unbelievingly, while both Cristina and Meredith frowned, eventually having lost the trail to how the Karevs were connected with Jo.

"Wilson, I have no idea what all this is," Bailey gestured in between the Karevs and her, "But even by coming in here and acting like you do, you count as family and you are _so_ off this case," she yelped at her, making Amber and Aaron raise their eyebrows at Jo, amused by the scene. "And, just _what_ experience do you think you have being able to assess Ms. Karev's health status?" Bailey looked pissed.

"I have been sitting by Amber's hospital bed since she was ten years old, Alex and I have been listening to the doctors ramble and assess and we have seen her films at a point some of the people in this room didn't even know what a freaking cirrhosis was, let alone how the HB virus works its way into one's body or how an immunodeficiency complicates a child's life, so-," Jo started defensively, and Alex' hand instantly flew up to grab her elbow and interrupt her. _Can you not give away my entire childhood please?_

"Just shut up," he told her with emphasis, earning a mad glare from her. "Let her finish and then we can talk about it, alright?" he added in a whisper, turning back towards his superiors.

"Thank you," Bailey directed towards him, seemingly on the edge about not gaining the respectable talk time she had wished for in that room but astounded about Jo's enlightening outburst all the same. "As Dr. Wilson here has stated, there are some risks to this surgery. Yes, you are borderline, we can't know what we are dealing with until we open you up, that's true. We'll also have to assess by what we see on your liver _if _surgical resection is even an option, with the chance of having overlooked more tumors that are still small or your cancer having metastasized to other organs. It is risky, I will tell you that but it is your best chance as of right now. We caught this early, earlier than most patients do, thanks to your recent liver observation. _If _we can resect the tumor, we can start radiation right after," she said.

"What's the other option?" Aaron spoke up for the first time. Bailey looked over at him and hesitated.

"That would be a liver transplant. Unfortunately, Amber's health status has been too "steady" for her to be eligible to a donor liver. Which means, she _will_ go on the list, but it could take years until they have one for her and until then, the cancer will have spread and she, once again, will not be eligible for the organ anymore," Bailey pointed out, making them both nod, looking scared.

"We can all get tested," Jo interrupted again. "Between us three, there's a real chance one of us could be a match," she told them desperately, looking in between Bailey, Webber and the Karev brothers.

"I said shut up," Alex hissed at her, squeezing her arm once again, making her jerk it out of his grip irritated with him dismissing all her input.

"Yes, this is an option, but again, I'll emphasize it once more, the best course of treatment will be surgical resection and we will keep a transplant in mind as option B if option A does not work out," Bailey said sternly. There was a pause in which nobody in the room said anything and all eyes were on Amber, while she turned around to look at Alex.

"What do you think, Alex?" she asked him, helplessness written all over her face. Alex' insides were squirming. The lump in his throat that had built the night before was steadily growing and he felt his airway restrict with the pressure and pain. He held her gaze, trying to think. _What to do? _Alex knew Bailey was right. She wouldn't get a liver right now. And he also knew that Aaron and him were no matches for Amber, having been tested before with having known all about Amber's future since forever ago. That left Jo and he sure wasn't going to let her do harm to her body for Amber. _He couldn't_. His gaze flew over towards Jo who was studying him as well. _What do you think? _Jo bit her lip and shrugged, literally as if she had heard him ask. It was incredible. They still worked like they had a decade ago. Alex took a deep breath and looked back at Amber.

"Let's try it," he said eventually. Amber immediately nodded, giving him a small smile and turning back towards Dr. Bailey, who nodded off the information. He felt all the other stares still glued to him, trying to ignore them. Alex was aware that this situation had to look fairly strange to all his colleagues. First of all, all his family had gathered here which was a miracle at that, secondly, Jo had immediately been included without anyone knowing about their connection beforehand, thirdly, everybody in his family was listening to his opinion as if it were law, which really, nobody really did or even understood at that hospital.

"Okay, we will schedule your surgery for early tomorrow morning, Amber," she smiled at her encouragingly. "Dr. Wiley will see you through everything and I will see you in the OR at the latest, okay?"

Dr. Webber started ushering the interns out one by one which took a while since they were many, while Dr. Wiley started to hand Amber some paperwork and forms, explaining them to her, Alex observing meticulously. His heart sank when he saw the intern handing Amber a form he had never in his life wanted to see again regarding anyone that was close to him.

"You can throw that one out," he barked at the intern, making the departing Webber and Bailey, Meredith and Cristina, Jo and his siblings look up at him in surprise. Alex watched Jo bend down and try reading what it was about while he could see Bailey putting together two and two immediately and her face softening instantly.

"Karev," she turned on her heel and took another step closer, looking pained. "This is your sister's decision. She's of age. You're not speaking for her," she tried to soothe him.

"No," Alex responded without another thought. "She's not signing a DNR and that's that," his voice became a little louder, a little more irritated when he faced a torn looking Bailey. He saw as Jo tried to make sense of the conversation and he realized how she failed, not having the least information about what had happened not even a couple of years ago.

"Alex," Bailey tried that now.

"NO," he yelled, all of a sudden, enraging Bailey who already started forming a reply but got interrupted by Amber.

"Whatever it is, it's fine, I won't sign a DNA," she said frantically. "I don't care," she added.

"It's a DNR, Amber, and you don't even know what it is. Let me explain it to you, and then you can decide, for yourself," Bailey said.

"I don't care what it is, I trust Alex. He has been making medical decisions for me since I was a baby. He's the only reason I'm alive at this point, he gets to make this decision. If he thinks I shouldn't sign this stupid paper, then _I_ think this is the right thing to do," Amber told her matter-of-factly. Bailey and Webber both looked completely taken aback.

"Alex, she doesn't even know what it is. Let's explain it to her, Bailey is right. It's her decision. She's old enough. She can decide about her personal affairs, alright?" Jo mixed up the conversation once more. This made Alex livid.

"NO! For God's sake, SHE IS NOT SIGNING A DNR," he yelled. "This is a life threatening surgery. _Maybe _you should have led with that. Amber, you could die from this. There's a chance you'll not even survive this first surgery! The only reason I'm letting you have the surgery is because there is no alternative," he turned towards his little sister who he knew was trying very hard not to duck which would have been her initial reaction to his anger. "Her liver is a freaking minefield," he turned back towards Jo. "Maybe it's gonna be alright. But most probably, with all our luck, it's gonna be complicated. So, no, she's not signing a DNR," he finished his tirade, having propped up before her. Jo had immediately brought up her hands and motioned for him to back off, and Alex could see the rage in her eyes. They stood, glaring at each other madly but in silence, for a moment, before Jo turned towards Amber.

"Amber, this paper says that if you die on the table or afterwards or anytime, really, while you are in here, they will not resuscitate you. If, say, your heart stops because it's too weak or because your body's been through too much, since a surgery really is a big strain on your body, or you stop breathing... like it has happened before... or anything like it… anything at all… they will not try to bring you back to life," Jo tried to explain. Amber and Aaron both looked at her in terror.

"She is not signing a DNR, do you hear me?"

"I'm not, I'm not," Amber jumped in, completely freaked. "Who in the world would sign a freaking DNR? I mean... who doesn't wanna be saved? Stuff happens all the time, right? I mean... Jo's right, I have stopped breathing before... and I surely don't wanna die from this... I'm 21 for God's sake," she rambled on.

"As I said, Amber can decide for herself," Jo repeated, not even looking at him.

"She's my baby sister," he spat out feebly, making her look back at him off-guard. Her features softened immediately.

"Alex, she didn't even know what it was a minute ago. I hear you, Alex, I do. I'm on your side, I wouldn't sign it, either, but it's Amber's life, stop acting like she's a little kid, she's not. She grew up and she makes her own decisions now. I don't know what your problem is but _she is going to make her own decisions._ And I'm not only talking about the DNR but everything else, too," Jo tried to calm and rebuke him simultaneously. Alex was exploding on the inside and tried to not do it on the outside, so he needed to go somewhere.

"Don't talk to me about this," he raged at her.

"Oh, like I'm supposed to talk to you about anything else right now?" Jo sounded mad as well, giving him a bored face. He flung up his arms in frustration, groaning at her loudly before spinning on the spot and storming out of Amber's room, leaving everybody speechless with their quarrel. Alex ran around the hallways aimlessly, not knowing what to do with himself. He was raging inside, and at the very same time, he was grieving. _Don't do this to me, don't do this to me. This is not happening all over again and most importantly, this is not happening to my baby sister. Amber's not dying, for God's sake, she's not. She's all good. Bailey will fix her. Everything will be okay. _Alex' heart skipped a beat and his stomach dropped an inch. They really had exhausted a goldmine's worth of luck in all their lives. _What if this didn't turn out well? What if for once, everything was not going to be alright in the end?_

After pacing about the place for a while, Alex decided to go get some fresh air and left the building, walking along the quiet outside walls of the hospital, finally leaning back against the wall when he had brought some space between himself and Amber's room and closed his eyes, sighing. He didn't know what to think. Or feel. Or say. He didn't know what to do. He needed… he needed her to be just fine and get through this. His mind was racing. Amber being sick again, his personal life having done somersaults the past weeks and months, everything reminding him of his painful past. _What was the point of all this?_ He thrust his hand into his right jeans pocket and retrieved a box of something he hadn't touched in years. But he really needed one right now. Without opening his eyes, he lit it and took a deep drag. _God, that was nasty. _He blew out the smoke and leaned his head back against the cold wall.

"I thought you had quit that crap," her voice cut the silence around him. He wasn't even surprised about her coming after him. He didn't know if it was because he felt like she had followed him throughout all their childhood to make sure he was okay or because they were trying to get along again and that's why she was following him. He opened his eyes slowly and looked at her. She stood in front of him, having clasped the front of her lab coat and pulled it towards herself, hugging herself to prevent the cold from intruding.

"I have," he pointed out, taking another drag.

"Uh-uh," she just responded dismissively.

"I haven't touched one in years," he told her, looking down at the stub in his hand, feeling disgusted by himself.

"So, why are you having one right now?" Jo continued soberly, watching him put it out and snip it away carelessly.

"Well, I guess addiction does show in my DNA," he answered. Jo raised her eyebrows at this and waited until they matched eyes.

"Stop blaming everything crappy that happens in your life on your family. I'm serious. I know you have had one hell of a childhood but so have I," she stated sarcastically. "Not everything that's bad can be traced back to your parents' poor judgment calls when they tried to raise you. You're grown up now, you're making your own life choices. Deal with them, I can't hear it anymore," she lectured him matter-of-factly.

"Now it just comes back to other people treating me like crap and how I process that, huh?" Alex smiled back at her mockingly. Jo sighed.

"Can we leave us out of this? Please? You made it very clear that I have blown all my chances, you really have. And even though I wanna be here for you, I know you won't let me. But I need to be able to be there for Amber. So, please, let's just… focus on that, alright?" she asked him, pleadingly.

"She's not signing the DNR," Alex immediately changed over as she had asked.

"No, she's not," Jo agreed, making him look up in surprise. They gave it a minute before she continued. "That doesn't make it right for you to instruct her to do as you would," she pointed out, making him sigh.

"You don't understand," he told her weakly. Jo gave him a painful frown and took a step closer.

"Then help me understand, Alex," she begged him. "Tell me what this is about," she asked.

"You know, this doesn't look like backing off much," Alex told her straight-faced.

"Amber sent me," she responded with a shrug. Alex nodded.

"Of course," he exhaled deeply.

"Your friends instantly jumped, though, if that makes you feel any better. They tried to come after you but Amber wouldn't let them. She distracted them and at the same time gave me instructions to go after you," she chuckled. Alex smiled and shook his head.

"You'd think she's still 10 years old," he said, making her nod.

"But she's not," Jo made them come back to what they were initially talking about. "She's of age and she can decide on her own. It's good that she's still discussing things with you guys, and she takes your opinions in consideration… but she's old enough to say no to whatever you have to say, Alex. And you have to learn to deal with that," she tried to make him see.

"I hear you," Alex said, making her frown again. "And I won't meddle with her business, I swear. But she's not signing a DNR and that's that." They stood in silence for a while, both grasping for things to say. Alex sighed dramatically, when Jo spoke up again, not knowing what or if to disclose anything at all.

"What happened?" she just asked, and he knew exactly what she was talking about. Alex bit his lip, a very annoying habit that once he thought back he might have copied from Jo at some point during the years. Then he matched their eyes.

"She was diagnosed with stage IV melanoma. By the time she spoke up about it, her cancer had spread to her brain and she was hallucinating her dead fiancé. They started her on chemo and tried to resect the brain tumor, which they did, but it came back. She survived the radiation, she survived the initial surgeries, but she had signed a DNR… which also had to do with her dead boyfriend… and then after the surgery… she woke up and everything seemed to be good again, she had survived, she had gotten rid of a memory deficiency she showed right after the tumor resection, her body was doing acceptable with the chemo… but her heart couldn't take it anymore… so she died in my arms… I revived her with everyone else standing there, not doing anything. Eventually, Webber started doing CPR and we could save her. My point is, she's still alive, she beat the tumors, she's living with the cancer, everything's good, as far as I know. She lived. And she hasn't died yet. I mean, I don't mean she lives but is strapped to a hospital bed, unable to move or unconscious, no, she's alive and fine. Walking, talking, living, what the hell do I know? She's alive. But she had signed a DNR. Imagine what had happened had we followed protocol. Just imagine. I _do _understand DNR when people are old or really sick, you know, but DNR isn't necessary for people like Izzie or Amber. It's not. And I won't let her do it. Because even if she decides to sign one, I will be the first to revive her, but if she dies in that OR, and you know as well as me that there's a pretty good chance that will happen, I can't be down there to save her. So no, she's not signing a DNR," he concluded. They hadn't once averted their eyes and Jo looked like she was in pain but she was steady and she had been following him closely. They both sighed, not knowing where to go from there.

"It's still her choice and you know it," Jo pointed out after a while.

"No, it's not," Alex shot back.

"Look, Alex, I get it, I really do. You've been through hell and ba-," she tried to sympathize but got interrupted.

"No, stop it. Amber's not dying. Unless she signs the DNR because, trust me, it will _make_ her die. Because crap happens. I trust Bailey, I trust Webber, but things happen. Sometimes the heart just gives up, or people stop breathing, or she's bleeding out. Who knows? But that doesn't mean that she's done with life. Cause she's not! She's not dying. But she's not stable, either, as much as the transplant people say she is. She's not. And above all, she's immunocompromised. I can't have her sign the DNR, so please, just stop talking about it," he made his point clear.

"I gave her the sheets to read through," Jo told him unfazed.

"What the hell, Jo? You had no right!" Alex started yelling.

"Alex, if I hadn't done so, and if I hadn't explained it to her, Wiley would have. Or Bailey, or Webber. And I don't know what they would have said and I don't know what she would have decided. But I gave them to her and explained it to her and I think she's going to make the right decision. I had every right to do so. And for what it's worth, you didn't have the right either," she barked back.

"I'm her brother," he pointed out madly.

"She's my sister," Jo shot back.

"Oh, shut up," he gave her back, annoyed.

"No, you shut up, Alex. Listen, I gave her the forms to decide what's gonna happen in the event of her going into a coma and not waking up for however long. She's not signing a DNR. She's signing a will," Jo put him in the loop. Alex looked at her completely taken aback.

"_Amber is not dying," _he stressed every word, trying to not freak out.

"I know that," Jo replied, softly.

"She can't," he looked up at her in defeat.

"I know," Jo nodded, matching their eyes. "And we'll do everything in our power that she won't. I promise. This is our chance, okay? This is the reason we both became doctors, right? So she doesn't have to die. Not now. Not like this. We're gonna see her through this and she's gonna live a happy life until she's old and she'll want to die, having experienced life, having experienced love, while having her grandkids and great-grandkids gather around her bed instead of me and you and Aaron, alright? She can do this but she needs us to do this with her. _Together. _We are in this together, alright?"

Alex watched Jo step closer towards him and sighed. _Together. _That sounded like a plan.


	21. Without you

The day went by slowly and Alex watched his sister get prodded and poked with needles, wheeled down to do all kinds of scans and observed while they meticulously prepped her for surgery while he was trying to hold his head up, smiling and entertaining her. Thank God for Aaron who was doing an amazing job in distracting their sister from the upcoming events. Once it was getting dark, Alex drove home to get some rest after Amber's repeated instructions for him to do so, however, once he had unlocked the door, he found himself retrieving the still half full bottle of tequila they had started the day before and sat down in the living room, indulging in the soothing burn of the first shot he was drinking. He had just downed his second one when he heard the door open up again and watched both Meredith and Cristina enter, immediately steering towards him, both falling down on the couch in front of him, observing him closely.

"How's your sister?" Meredith asked immediately.

"She's fine," he responded dismissively.

"How did she decide on the DNR?" Cristina mixed in, looking intrigued.

"She's not signing the DNR, I told you," he barked back, agitated.

"Hey, don't bark at me, it wasn't me who suggested for her to do so," she snubbed back. Alex sighed before downing another one.

"You sure that's where you wanna head with the upcoming surgery?" Meredith eyed him suspiciously. Alex just shrugged.

"There's nothing I can do at this point," he pointed out, motioning if anyone of them wanted to join. They both nodded and they raised the glasses silently.

"Alright, since we are here and well supplied with the good stuff… tell us, are you sleeping with that intern or what?" Cristina nosed.

"No," Alex grunted half-heartedly. Cristina snorted. "I'm not," he told her defensively.

"Alright, so let's play a game. I ask you questions and you drink one for every lie you tell us," she chuckled.

"Let's play the game, you shut up and I drink a shot every time you don't," he gave her back.

"I'm sticking with my game," Cristina just replied, while Meredith watched them from the side, observing how Alex had brought out dozens of shotglasses, aligning them on the edge of the coffee table and filling them all up.

"Do you have history with her?" Alex just snorted and emptied the first shot. "Well, I guess we got the answer today, but seriously, this game isn't fun if you don't even answer," she whined. "Have you slept with her before?" she tried again. Alex downed another one. "Oh, so the shots are actually a symbol for 'yes', now I get it," she exclaimed, fake happy.

"No," Alex just said, irritated by Cristina's persistence.

"Oh, you're so lying, drink up, evil spawn, drink up," she laughed, making him drink another one.

"I'm not lying, I didn't say anything," Alex retorted.

"So, you may or may not be sleeping with her… hmmm," Cristina pondered. "Is she your… ex-girlfriend or something?" she nosed further.

"Nope," he said, downing his eigth shot.

"Alex, you should stop, this isn't going anywhere," Meredith spoke up for the first time, cautiously though. Cristina had leaned back into the couch, seemingly thinking about options. Alex looked at his cell phone since his display had just lit up and looked at a photo his sister had just sent him and snorted. _Pre OR hairstyle. _

"Oh my God, I figured it out," Cristina yelled out all of a sudden, making him look up. She turned over towards Meredith, trying to explain. "Do you remember how she fell over his legs and he caught her?" Meredith nodded, questioningly. "And then how he motioned for her to shut up when she interrupted Bailey?" Mer did the same motion again. "And then when Wilson blew up on him because of the DNR?"

"What the hell are you saying?" Meredith inquired, getting tired of both their behavior.

"They're in love!" Cristina shouted out, giggling. Alex downed another shot, feeling how his stomach slowly but surely revolted. _Just shut up, will you? Shut the fuck up! _

"Explain," Meredith said, exasperated.

"You know, there's a grey zone with touching people. If you're friendly, you touch their limbs or shoulders, you never touch their heads or torsos, and God forbid you don't touch or motion underneath the belt," Cristina started out, making them both frown. "Unless you're close of course, if you're close to someone, you get to touch their core. Like Alex would motion for her to shut up with putting his arm out to her waist and pulling her back," Cristina rambled on, sounding success-ridden.

"I grabbed her elbow," Alex pointed out in irritation. Meredith looked over at him with her eyebrows hiked while Cristina just laughed.

"The fact that you remember that only shows us that you do think about it more than you wanna admit," she pointed out. Alex groaned, putting his face into his hands. "You know, and when she told him to back off, when he screamed about s_he's not signing a DNR_," Cristina imitated Alex' voice crudely. "She motioned towards his neck – very intimate zone as well, I should mention. You know, that means that she's not scared of him, she told him she could take it – physically that is – but he needed to back off emotionally. And not only how she positioned her hands, but the movements she did, the way she stood in front of him and looked at him and talked to him, she tried to calm him, she soothed him. She's in love with him, too," Cristina analyzed and leaned back against the couch again, looking proud. "You know what that means?"

"What?" Meredith asked her, having lost track. "They're in love?" she asked her, shaking her head at her friend questioningly.

"No," Cristina gave her back in annoyance. "It means I would have been one hell of a shrink," she said, petting her own shoulder and smiled. When Alex looked up and wanted to retort something, he got interrupted by Aaron coming in. "_Angel spaaaawn," _Cristina immediately squealed, making his brother look at her in amusement. "Do hairball and evil spawn love each other?" Aaron just frowned while Alex took another shot.

"Who's hairball?" he asked, while Cristina waved her arms around frantically, acting like she was the drunken one. "Ugh, what's her name… Wilson," she spat out. Alex watched Aaron react to Cristina's question and just wanted to stop him when he felt like he needed to barf and pushed his lips together tightly.

"Um, yeah," Aaron chuckled, uninterestedly.

"Nooo, but are they _in love _with each other?" Cristina squealed.

"Oh, come on, stop it," Alex ranted, trying to interject but this time he seriously had to get up and run towards the bathroom. All he could hear was Aaron answering the question with an _according to Amber yes_ and Cristina losing her mind completely, jumping and squealing before he coughed into the toilet and emptied his stomach, resting his arms on the seat, sighing heavily. _Oh fuck. _

"Scoooore! Ugh, I did well, I really did well," she shouted, making Aaron laugh whereas Meredith was only smiling uncomfortably, looking back at Alex who had just emerged again from dumping half the bottle of tequila in the toilet. "What are we going to do about that, huh?" Cristina looked up at him now as well, having spotted his comeback.

"Just leave me alone, alright?" Alex barked, snatching his phone up and stamping up the stairs, throwing himself onto his bed and sulked. _Really? Had he really needed this today as well? _Alex felt empty. And not because he hadn't eaten anything properly and downed half a bottle of tequila just to hurl it up again. He didn't know what to think anymore, what to feel anymore. Everything was too much. He just wanted everything to go back to normal.

* * *

Alex wriggled and groaned when he heard some motions and soft talking in the dark before trying to blink, opening up his eyes to see what was going on. He could make out how Dr. Bailey had woken Amber gently and talked to her now about something he couldn't quite make out. He closed his eyes again, bringing up his hands to rub his face. His head was about to explode and his insides were doing something between cramping and burning. _Ugh, why had he downed so many shots the previous night? _When he tried to sit up, he felt himself wobble slightly and his head was dizzy. He held on to the bed sheets and looked around, seeing Aaron in the visitor's chair, asleep, while Amber and Dr. Bailey had noticed Alex being awake.

"What's wrong with Karev?" Bailey shot out immediately, scrutinizing him through the darkness. Amber was rubbing her eyes, trying to sit up as well, yawning widely.

"They came back in a while ago, Alex was completely trashed. Aaron said something about he made him drive here for pre-rounds or something? He wasn't in any state to drive but he wouldn't let go of it, either, so Aaron very grudgingly gave him a ride here," Amber explained to Bailey who rolled her eyes and walked over towards Alex, slapping the back of his head.

"Alex Karev, you stupid, stupid boy," she chided him, making Amber giggle. Alex winced for his head hurt badly and he felt how cold sweat was covering his forehead and neck. Bailey had propped up in front of him, staring him down. When he tried to shape words, only an odd cough came out, making her slap him again.

"Stop it," he croaked. "Can you please tell me what's going on?" he asked his superior in the nicest voice he could conjure.

"It is 5 a.m. and I just checked your sister's vitals and temperature. She'll be good to go today. We put her in a slot at 10. We'll come back in for rounds," she told him matter-of-factly, still glaring though.

"Thank you," he whispered, lying back down in the empty hospital bed, groaning.

"I'll send someone to get you hooked up to a banana bag," she said, shaking her head and walking towards the door. "You'll need it today, trust me, you moron," she hissed back towards him. When Bailey walked outside and left the room in its prior darkness, Alex shifted to lie on his side and looked over towards Amber.

"How are you doing, baby girl?" Amber just chuckled and turned towards him as well.

"Question is, how are you doing?" Alex groaned and closed his eyes, waving her away. "You didn't have to go out and get drunk just because I'm getting operated on today, you know?" she smiled at him lovingly.

"I didn't go out," he pointed out weakly, making her sigh. "And it wasn't because of your surgery. You're gonna do fine, trust me. Bailey and Webber are great surgeons. They're gonna help you. Don't be nervous," Alex whispered towards her, trying to calm her since he had noticed a slightly uncomfortable tone in her voice.

"I know, I'll be fine. That's what everybody keeps telling me. I don't know, Alex. I'm scared. The DNR thing-," she started.

"You didn't sign the DNR, Amber, and you're not gonna," he tried to keep his agitation down.

"That's not what I was going to say. I was just… I hadn't even realized that something like that existed… I mean… now that I know… it scares me. It scares me that I'm having procedures done that actually demand for me to decide what's going to happen if I die," she voiced her concerns.

"You have to sign all those papers with any surgery, Amber. Even if you're having your appendix out. It's hospital policy. And they're asking every patient about DNR. It's policy. It's not because your surgery is more dangerous than others. I mean, it is. But don't get scared because of what you signed or didn't sign. You're in good hands, alright?" Alex tried to calm her.

"I'm glad Aaron made me come here," Amber whispered, looking over at their brother still sleeping in the visitor's chair. "He was right. I want you all to be here. I need you all to be here with me," she stated. "I'm glad Jo's here, too. This is better than I expected. This is like back when I was little. I just feel so safe with all of you here," she rambled on.

"That's what we're here for," Alex said. "Come on, let's get some more sleep. They'll not be in for another two hours, alright? This is going to be a long day," he said, making her nod. Before they could turn around to get to some more sleep though, another doctor came in and excused himself for having to take some of Amber's blood. When he was done, he rounded the bed and busied himself with Alex' arm, making him yank his eyes open and wrestle with the intern.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?"

"Dr. Bailey said you needed to be hooked onto a banana bag," the doctor just pointed out.

"Get lost," Alex barked at him, half sitting up in his bed, wincing as his head felt like it was cracking in two. The doctor did so immediately and left the room in silence except for Amber's soft giggles.

"You really are something here, you know that?" she said, before yawning widely and both closed their eyes again, trying to sleep some more.

When Alex woke next time, he instantly could tell that it wasn't dark anymore and the light was enhancing his headache even more. He could hear familiar voices talking but it sounded weird, not as if they were actually talking… but rather on TV. When he opened his eyes and scrunched up his face, he looked at the screen and saw that it had been switched to the TV's DVR and the documentary some film crew had made about the hospital after the shooting a while ago was playing. He sighed deeply and rolled over, only to see both Amber and Aaron sitting up in the hospital bed together, watching it in horror. Amber was the first to notice he was awake.

"Don't even think about talking yourself out of this," she immediately shot towards him. "_What the hell, Alex? You've been shot?! And you don't think that's a reason to call? You freaking idiot, I could kill you right now," _she yelled at him frantically, her face distorted with anger and grief it seemed. Alex closed his eyes for her voice was giving him a pounding headache.

"Can you please lower your voice a bit?" he moaned, trying to find his cell phone and looking at the clock. "Why are you up?" he scrunched up his face when he saw it was only an hour later.

"Couldn't sleep," she just grumbled, looking back at the screen. They stayed in silence for a while before there was a soft knock. "Hey," he heard his sister say in a much gentler voice now. "What are you doing up?"

"My shift's starting in half an hour and I wanted to come see if you were awake," Alex heard Jo whisper quietly before he made out a little squeal and opened his eyes in irritation.

"You brought me an issue of American Girl?" he followed the conversation and rolled his eyes, trying to shift to be more comfortable. From what he could tell both the girls were giggling softly for rehashing the past before he could make out Aaron talking something that didn't make sense since probably somebody had motioned or said something he hadn't seen or heard.

"He's hungover. Had half a bottle of tequila by himself last night," his brother informed Jo who rounded the bed and stepped closer towards him which he observed once he had opened up his eyes.

"Do you need that banana bag hooked up?" Jo asked him quietly, looking down at his pathetic state.

"No," he grunted at her, making her roll her eyes and set it up, sitting down beside him on the bed before putting on some gloves.

"I'm not sure it's the best idea to mess with him in the state he's in," Aaron pointed out towards her, when Jo grabbed Alex' elbow and looked for a vein. "He might stick you with that needle or something," he chuckled, Amber joining in.

"Oh, I can deal with feeling unwanted. I'm well trained. He's the one having to deal with the hangover all day while trying to keep his head down during your surgery," Jo responded cold-shouldered, matching eyes with Alex shortly before sticking him with the needle.

"Ow," Alex whined, looking up at her crossly.

"Oh, don't be a baby," she chided him, fixating the tube with a band-aid. "See, all done," she told him in a mocking voice. She looked down at him for a second before getting up and going over towards the bathroom, coming back with a wet and cold washcloth, dabbing it at his temple and forehead. "What made you drink so much?" she asked him softly. He stared back up at her gruffly before grabbing her wrist to still her movements.

"That Yang person and that Meredith asked him stuff about-," Aaron started to answer Jo's question, not getting very far.

"Shut up," Alex interrupted rudely, pushing Jo's hand away making her glare at him.

"About what?" she said, folding the washcloth in half, still looking at Alex.

"You," Aaron finished, making Alex roll his eyes.

"Oh, really?" Jo tried to hide a smile, but didn't succeed, and put the damp washcloth to cover Alex' forehead, making him close his eyes. "What did he say?"

"Nothing, he drank," Aaron responded, lazily.

"What did they say, then?" Jo continued to question him, and even though Alex had his eyes closed, he knew she was still looking at him. _Just stop talking about it, please. _

"That you guys were in love," Aaron told her soberly, and now Alex could tell that she had turned around to look at his siblings.

"No, you said that," Alex interjected again, groaning when his own voice seemed to be too loud to bear.

"Well, it's not a secret, everybody knows," he heard Amber say now, matter-of-factly.

"Shut up," he just spat out. "Why is it that you feel you have to butt into everybody's personal business?" he barked out loudly.

"Stop getting so mad about everything," he heard and felt Jo hiss at him. "They're just talking. You really shouldn't drink over stuff like that," she advised him. Since nobody said anything anymore, Amber and Aaron seemed to have succumbed to watching the documentary while Jo went back to the bathroom and re-wetted the washcloth, returning to his bedside and putting it on his forehead, Alex glaring at her madly, making her narrow her eyes at him and give him a mocking mad stare as well before he saw her smile slightly and shake her head, looking at the screen as well. "What's that you're watching?" Alex followed their conversation while having closed his eyes again, trying to rest.

"Well, this is going to be interesting," Amber spoke up. "Did you know there was a hospital shooting like…umm… a year ago or so? I'm not sure… were you here for that already?"

"Um, no, but I heard about it," Jo answered softly but since she was still sitting in bed besides him, he could feel her tense, putting two and two together. "Oh God, did you get hurt?" Alex knew that question was directed towards him. He just shrugged.

"Yeah, our dearest brother over there got shot in the chest and almost bled out and you know how we found out about it?" There was a short pause in the room and Alex thought Jo might have nodded or shrugged or shaken her head. "While watching this! We found out by watching a documentary on this stupid hospital TV. Apparently it was national news, too. Apparently this was broadcasted instead of Castle or something," he heard his sister's agitation. When he opened up his eyes, since silence had covered the room again, he startled slightly for Jo's eyes were on his and she was biting her lower lip, seemingly in pain. They stared at each other for a second before Alex sighed and shifted again.

"I'm okay," he just answered her look gently, before closing his eyes up again. _No need to dig that up again. _

"I wish you'd stop doing stuff like that," he heard her whisper and sensed how she hesitantly turned around the washcloth before her hand lingered and cupped the side of his head gently, stroking her thumb across his cheek. Alex instantly opened his eyes and grabbed for her hand to push it away, softly though.

"Stop," he whispered, exhaustedly. They looked at each other painfully. _I wish I had the strength to just pull you into my arms right now. I wish it were that easy. I really do. But it's not and you're way too close and I feel like my heart is going to burst if you don't step back. I don't wanna blow up on you because all I feel right now is helpless and thousands of emotions are balled up inside of me and if I open up to you right now, it's not gonna be good. It's just gonna be messy, and we've had a lifetime of messy. Just…give me more time. _Alex watched her nod at him and pull back her hand, averting her eyes as if she could read him perfectly.

"What do you mean with saying you feel unwanted? What has he done now?" Amber made some easy conversation while Jo kept sitting on Alex' bed, without touching him though, turning around to talk to his siblings.

"I never said you were unwanted," Alex mumbled slightly, not knowing if she had actually heard him.

"Oh, nothing much, I just know he doesn't think I should mind his family's business," Jo stated.

"Oh, bullshit, let him talk. He's just being his usual self," Amber said. They small talked some more until rounds came in and everybody focused on what was going to happen once Amber was cut open. The mood was testy since everybody seemed to be beyond scared but nobody could articulate it properly, so after rounds, they scattered, Jo going back to work while Alex excused himself to drive home and take a shower, ready himself for the day. When he came back in, Amber was being prepped for surgery already, frantically talking onto Aaron.

"…and tell Michael to not rent my room out to a slutty skank, it's a good room, and he's a good guy, I don't want him to get on the wrong track. Also, you can remove all the furniture from my room and sell it, there's some good stuff amongst it, I bet you could shovel some money with it. God knows, you need it. Tell mom I love her. Please make her take her meds, she's lost without them. And _you_, I know Kelsey didn't work out for you eventually, I wouldn't want you to go back to her, but I need you to keep your eyes open for someone else," at this she took their brother's hand who was looking down at her exasperatedly. "There's someone out there just for you, I promise. I want you to keep looking. I don't want you to be alone. You're the sweetest, you know that, right?" she grabbed his face and ran her thumb across his cheek.

"What is this?" Alex grunted in their direction, Amber not having spotted him yet.

"Oh, she thinks she's dying and she's saying her last words," Aaron rolled his eyes, mocking her, getting slapped immediately.

"I'm serious here," Amber gave back with a pout.

"I love you, too," Aaron just said, scooping her up in a hug. They stayed like that for a while, making Alex a little uncomfortable, but only then he realized that Amber was crying.

"Hey," he heard Jo arrive next to him, looking flustered before seeing the scene. "Oh God, is she having last thoughts?" Alex nodded at her and watched her drop her head to the side.

"Amber, sweetie, you're not dying," Jo spoke up softly, making the younger ones part and Amber immediately wipe away her tears and nod.

"I'm just so scared," she admitted, giving the go for another round of tears.

"Hey, hey, hey," Jo walked inside the room and halting the people trying to wheel her out, sitting down besides her and taking her into a hug. "You'll be fine, I promise," she soothed her, rubbing her back. "Everything will be fine and we'll see you in no time, alright?" Jo tried to make herself sound chipper. Alex shared a helpless look with Aaron, frowning. He watched as Jo pulled Amber back and wiped the tears from her face, making her lie down and pull the grids up. They walked out with her, both Aaron and Jo holding her hands while doing some jokes, making her giggle between her sobs. When they arrived at the door they couldn't pass, so the gurney halted and Bailey met them, seeing the crying Amber.

"Hey, hey, what's going on here?" she immediately bent down and took Amber's hand. "I don't wanna see no tears in my OR," the doctor told her maternally, dabbing away at Amber's face. "You know, if I see little girls like you cry, I gotta cry myself and you don't want my vision to be blurred, distracting me from getting rid of every last one of those tumors, right?" she smiled down at her, almost lovingly. Amber nodded and smiled.

"No, please don't cry," she said in a whisper, making Bailey chuckle.

"This is gonna be over in a jiffy, okay? Your brothers and Wilson are all gonna be there when you wake up and hopefully everything's going to be better then, okay? Don't cry, Amber, I promise you I will take good care of you," Bailey said, before squeezing her hand one last time and backing away. "See you in there with a smile on your face," she called towards the patient, making her smile momentarily.

"You heard her, everything's going to be fine, alright?" Aaron bent down to kiss her head gently. Amber looked up at him and nodded.

"I love you, Aaron," she said in a small voice. He just nodded and smiled, backing away, leaving Jo and Alex at her side. Jo was still holding her hand and Amber reached over to grab Alex' hand as well, making them join them all together and looking up at them with wide eyes. Alex' insides immediately churned, and he didn't know if it was because he hadn't held Jo's hand in a very long time or if it was because Amber was looking up at them with the saddest eyes he'd ever seen, almost making his own eyes water a bit.

"Now, I don't know what's going on with you two," Amber shook her head frantically, making them both try to say something but she immediately shushed them. "No, I don't wanna hear it. And I know it's none of my business, but really, it is. Cause you guys are both hurting and you guys are struggling somehow and I don't know what all this is about but please, just try to make it work, alright? _Please_, just do it for me," Amber begged them.

"Stop talking like you're not coming out of this OR alive, I can't have it. You need to think positive, baby girl," Alex tried to soothe her, Amber just kept shaking her head.

"No, I mean it, please. You may not have acted on anything ever, I wouldn't know, but it has always been like this between you guys. Your bickering and then those lingering looks and looking out for each other, consult each other, ask about each other... getting really cross when somebody talks about you both together," Amber nodded at them with wide eyes, motioning at their situation at the moment, "you guys are in love, don't you get it? Just please, promise me you'll not ignore each other for the rest of your lives! Please! Look, it has to be fate or something that you met each other back in Iowa and found each other's soulmate and yes, maybe it wasn't good then, but right now... _right now _is the time for you guys to reconnect, alright? Please, just promise me you'll try? Please? You guys love each other, everyone can see that. I don't wanna butt into your business, I'm serious, I just wanna see you guys happy. I wanna see you guys together, alright?" she pleaded with them. Alex could hear Jo sigh.

"Tell you what, princess, you are going in there and you're gonna kick ass and after that, you're gonna come watch us struggle through whatever we have to, alright?" she smiled down at her, wiping away another tear that was falling.

"Please," she cried, shaking with tears.

"Oh, baby girl, come on, don't do this to me," Alex bent down now, kissing her head and wiping her tears. "You're gonna be just fine. And Jo and I, we'll be too, alright?" As if on cue, Amber stopped crying and nodded.

"Okay," she exhaled slowly, wiping her face. "Don't think I'll let you get away if you don't," she changed her tone of voice in a heartbeat and pointed at them sharply, when the people started moving her gurney, making them all chuckle. They watched her vanish behind the door, standing there awkwardly, Alex and Jo still holding the hands Amber had joined, even though they hadn't noticed yet and Aaron looking like he wanted to vomit himself. _Was she going to make it out to watch them struggle? _Alex didn't know a lot at the moment, however, he was sure of one thing. If his little sister didn't make it out of that very OR, he wouldn't know where to go. His sister was only a little girl, really, but she was so important to this world, so important to their worlds. _What were they going to do without her?_

"She's gonna be fine," Jo whispered towards him, having realized how he was struggling. He just nodded and squeezed her hand back. _Let's hope you're right. _When he looked down at her eyes, it felt like fifty knives had stabbed him in his chest. _I really don't know what I'd do without _you, _either__. _


	22. I need you

Alex paced up and down the waiting room, feeling how all his nerve endings were flaring up with every step he took, every breath he inhaled, every freaking time the doors towards the surgical floor swung open and surgeons came to tell family members how their loved ones were doing. At this point, his entire lower lip was a complete warzone, having been bitten and chewed on, tasting like blood. He hadn't been in this position in forever, and he had never wanted to be in this again. But now, he was walking up and down the short hallway, his heart pumping wildly, for all he knew Amber was dying on the table, was too weak to pull through this. _Why hadn't anyone come out here yet? _What did that mean? Did that mean they all had their hands full and they couldn't spare anyone to come talk to him? Or did it mean that everything was going smoothly and they're already finishing up, seeing no sense in coming to talk to him when they were done in a few minutes and would be out anyways? _What did it mean?_ Jo and Aaron had gone outside to get some fresh air since Aaron didn't look too well himself. He had literally looked like he wanted to barf, being all pale and sweaty, having ceased to talk. Jo had invited him to come but he didn't have the nerves to go somewhere else, potentially missing one of his fellow doctors coming out and keeping him updated. So, he was pacing here, up and down, making every other family nervous and the nurses throw him irritated glares.

"Hey, do you have any news yet?" Alex heard Cristina round on him the minute he had sat down in one of the visitor's chairs and put his face into his hands, his legs trembling terribly, his knees jerking up and down in an arrhythmic manner. He yanked his head up in shock and turned to face her.

"No, have you?" he asked immediately, and he could feel how terror was written all over his own face.

"No, I just came out of an angiogram, I couldn't check up on her," she said, standing beside him somewhat helplessly as well. "You want me to go check on her now?" she asked him, pointing in the direction of the OR floor.

"Please," he jerked out, looking at her gratefully. Cristina nodded and turned to walk downwards quickly. Alex counted the minutes. First, he knew he was being unreasonable, knowing how long it took to get down there, assess the situation, maybe confer with one of the surgeons and then come up again. Then, it took just a very stretchy minute too long. When he looked down at his watch and it had been twenty minutes since he had sent Cristina to go check up on his sister, he bounced. He got up swiftly, having decided that right now, he was gonna screw it all, and took long strides towards the OR floor, rushing down the stairs frantically, yanking open doors and ignoring nurses and doctors who tried to hold him from going through some thresholds that family members usually weren't supposed to cross. He didn't care. Alex took one look at the OR board to find out where they were operating and took two steps at a time to reach the OR gallery, seeing a whole bunch of people watching the surgery in horror. _Oh my God, what was going on?_

Alex stormed to the front, only then making people notice him, shoving Cristina out of the way carelessly, pounding on the glass window. _No! No! _

"Bailey," he knocked frantically. "Bailey, what's going on?" he yelled when he saw Webber pulling the paddles to revive his sister. Everything inside him dropped. _Oh my goodness, what the fuck had happened in there? Why did they have to revive her?_ Everything that happened before his eyes was chaos, was a mess. He watched them revive her a couple of times, staring at the continuous flatlining on the screen that showed his sister's life. "No, Amber, no! Hold on, you can do this," he screamed, keeping up the pounding on the glass, sensing how Cristina and most probably Meredith on the other side were trying to restrain his arms but couldn't. He had never felt that crabby. His heart felt like it was on overload and his eyes were bulging, almost falling out and were at the same time watering. _No, Amber! Don't do this to me, please! _He heard commotion all around him and saw Bailey look up at the gallery with a mixture of pain and irritation, waving him away.

"Alex, come on, Alex, please," he heard Meredith beg with him. She could beg with him all she wanted, he wasn't going anywhere until they had revived his sister, until they had found a steady, rhythmical heartbeat. Any beat for that matter. It wasn't a second later when he all of a sudden heard another voice, a very familiar voice, sounding sharp though, exasperated, sounding like she was mad with the entire room.

"Get lost, everybody, what are you staring at?" she barked at the remaining people that have crowded in the gallery. "Let me through," he followed her voice, while he was still staring at the lifeless body that had once been his sister. That was still his sister! _Come on, Amber! Just do it! Do it, damn it! _He didn't know how or when, however, a second later, completely out of nowhere, he saw and felt Jo squeezing in between the little space between him and the glass window, putting her hands to his chest and pushing him backwards gently.

"No," he yelled back at her, grabbing her upper arms as if to defend himself. When he looked down at Jo, she was glaring at him madly, giving him the one look he knew all too well. It was Jo's _don't mess with me _look. Alex sighed, feeling how his exterior was peeling off slowly and how he started trembling.

"Come on," she breathed out softly, pushing him back again, and this time he wasn't able to fight back, he was too weak, too broken. She guided him down into one of the chairs, immediately turning back towards the window, studying the scene, nervous herself it seemed. Alex eyes focused on her posture now, since he couldn't bring himself to look down there anymore. Her right foot was trembling nervously, while she had crossed her arms over her torso. Her back and neck seemed slightly tense but her head was still and the side of her face was a mask, watching the scene meticulously. He could make out how she started whispering something frantically and thought she was saying c_ome on, Amber, you can do this. _He watched her, feeling like with every second the chances of Amber surviving this decreased, feeling how his throat constricted, how he was still jerking his knee up and down but his face had frozen into a stone mask. The only thing he could process right now was how Jo was moving, or unmoving, how her face distorted and what she mumbled. So, when she all of a sudden opened her mouth wide, taking in a huge breath, scrunched up her shoulders and widened her eyes at the scene, everything inside him dropped, until a second later, he watched Jo close her eyes and exhale with a huge smile plastered to her face, putting it into her hands and he realized, it had to be relief. Alex couldn't move though. All he could do was watch Jo react to what was happening, he still couldn't bring himself to look. When Jo brought her hands back down, he could see a single tear running down her cheek and scrunch up her face in irritation, but still smiling. "I'm gonna _kill you_, Amber Karev," she spat out, making Meredith who was still standing there, watching helplessly, chuckle. This made Alex come back to reality, realizing all the people were still standing around them and kept feverishly observing what was happening down in the OR. For the first time he looked down towards the surgeons, meeting Dr. Bailey's eyes who looked just as relieved and nodded up towards them with a smile.

Alex felt himself relax and heard himself chuckle before he got up and smiled down at the surgeons, mouthing one thank you after the other, Webber smiling at him amicably. Jo smiled over at him in relief and he saw how more tears were running down her cheeks now, probably because of her muscles relaxing. He didn't know what or why but he extended his arm and did the only thing that seemed appropriate at the moment, grabbing onto her waist and pulling her into a side hug, laughing gratefully and making her cuddle into him. Jo brought up her arm to squeeze his waist as well while she nestled her head in the crook of his armpit and wiped away her tears.

"Oh, thank God," she whispered, making him nod and exhale deeply.

Alex couldn't tell when he had last felt that relieved. He knew that the surgery and all the complications were far from over, however, knowing that Amber had at least pulled through this made his insides soothe. That feeling and the one of holding onto Jo overwhelmed him a bit and with all his muscles having relaxed so suddenly, he felt light-headed and his knees seemed to soften a bit. Of course, Jo immediately noticed and squeezed his waist a little tighter, reacting to his bodily jerks. When he sensed her gaze resting on his face, he looked down at her and their eyes melted into each other. Everything that hurt inside him, all the pain he had endured with what had happened over the years, what had happened the last several months, everything washed away now that he was holding onto her and looking at her and he finally realized, there was only one thing that could or would make it better, and that was, letting her in again. Because, if he was true to himself, it was all he had ever needed and never dared voice. Jo was the only person able to calm him, able to restrain him, able to comfort him and love him so much that he felt like nothing else mattered. Even if she had been the one that had hurt him, she was also the only one who could manage to make him feel better. However, slowly but surely he realized, that he might have hurt himself more than Jo had ever done so with pulling back and guarding himself, not letting her in, not letting her be part of his life, his thoughts, his emotions. He felt how guilt set in his stomach, realizing that she had always given him her all and he had not once been man enough to give some of that back to her, even though it was all there, even though his feelings matched hers perfectly. But this wasn't the time, this wasn't the right moment to tell her that he was open-minded to give them another try, to forgive her for what she had done, to apologize for all the things he had never done, this wasn't the moment, so even if all he wanted to do at the moment was bend down and kiss her, he succumbed to just staring at her. For some reason, and he chastised himself since she had shown him on various occasions throughout their lives that it shouldn't surprise him anymore, her facials mirrored complete understanding, reflected agreement really, as if she had just listened to his words in his mind.

"Let's sit down, come on," Jo murmured slightly, only for him to hear, bringing up her left hand and resting it on his chest. He immediately let her guide him back to the seat he had occupied before, sitting down and taking her with him, sitting beside him awkwardly. His tremble that had started a minute ago, only worsened with having taken the pressure of standing and holding up away and Jo immediately reacted. "Hey, hey," she whispered, stroking her thumb across his face. "Hey, calm down, we're gonna get through this, alright?" she looked at him piercingly. "Amber's a fighter and you know it," she smiled at him slightly while pointing her thumb towards the OR, making him nod and try to compose himself. He watched her drop her head to the side and look at him pained, knowing she was struggling with herself not to get too close to him, not to make any wrong moves. He sighed and let himself go for a split second, pulling her into a hug, which she reciprocated immediately, wrapping her arms around his neck and holding onto him tightly, rubbing the back of his head before moving her hands down to his back.

"Thank you," he breathed out against the side of her head, feeling how she nodded in a small motion and closed his eyes to revel in the moment. _Thank God you're here. Thank God you're you. Thank you for being the person I need most right now. _Jo pulled back and smiled at him, having cupped his face and making him close his eyes with her soothing motions. He sensed how she trailed her palms down until eventually, she let go of him and sat up straight in her seat. When he looked over, he watched her sport a rosy blush on her cheeks, finally going back to reality and looking around, momentarily stabbed by the realization that a bunch of colleagues had watched them exchange comfort but were now all staring at the scene down in the OR, acting like they hadn't done so. It was fine with him though, since he himself was again acting like he never thought he would have in front of so many people that may judge him for it later, that may nose into his business afterwards. The only one's gaze that still rested on him was Meredith's and when he matched their eyes, she smiled slightly, and he could see that her eyes radiated about ten percent of confusion and ninety percent… gratitude and softness? He widened his eyes a bit and shook his head at her questioningly, making her chuckle softly and look down at the on-goings as well.

They sat in silence for about twenty minutes, all focusing on the procedures being done on Alex' little sister, before his mind roamed to another topic.

"Where's Aaron at?" he directed over towards Jo who gave him a look of shock.

"Oh God, I totally forgot," her eyes widened. "I was actually coming up here to get an update and told him I'd be back in a minute," she said frantically, already getting up but Alex could feel how he instantly shot out his arm and grabbed her wrist, making her look back at him in confusion.

"Um," he stuttered, not really knowing what exactly he had wanted to tell her. Fortunately, Meredith was on top of things and saved him out of his predicament.

"I'll go give him an update, alright?" she said, already crossing over, making him nod sheepishly. "Do you want me to sit with him for a while?" she asked towards them.

"He's actually sitting with another girl who's waiting for updates on her dad, so maybe he's in good hands for now," Jo smiled at her gratefully, sitting back down. They both stared down for an awkward moment, not knowing what to say.

"Sorry," Alex mumbled slightly, feeling embarrassed.

"It's fine, I'll stay," she gave him back. "You can let me go now," she glanced over at him for a second, wriggling her fingers, making him release her.

"Sorry," Alex repeated, shaking his head for he felt like he was in a trance or something and couldn't keep his guard up to act and behave and talk normally.

"It's fine," Jo told him with emphasis, shaking her head at him to stop being self-conscious. The surgery kept on going for hours, people started walking out and coming back in, getting bored with the procedure, while Alex felt like he was about to fall asleep, changing his gaze from down at the actual happenings to the monitor up in the gallery, getting a close up of his sister's liver. He sensed as Jo shifted and rustled besides him and changed her positions several times, not being able to hold still. He looked over at her and gave her a stare, making her squirm. "Sorry," she said, knowing he was getting annoyed with her. He watched her lose her shoes, as he had done so many times when trying to get comfortable, and tuck her feet underneath her behind, making him sigh, and throw all reason out the window, extending his arm and wrapping it across her thighs, holding on to her knee. He looked away, trying to be as nonchalant as possible and felt how Jo immediately put her head on his shoulder, nestling into him, sighing.

It was hours later that Alex could hear Bailey and Webber decide to close up and he felt momentary relief until he realized that they didn't look all too happy and the close up screens showed a still heavily diseased liver. He sighed, biting his lips. _Just let them come to you. They'll talk you through what was going to happen now, don't freak. _He looked over at Jo and realized that she had fallen asleep on his shoulder, one hand in her lap, the other one entwined with his on her shin.

"Jo," he whispered towards her, trying to wake her, making her groan slightly, blinking her eyes in confusion. "They're done for now," he told her, making her stir and regain consciousness slowly, looking at him like she was still not grasping the reality of what was happening. He smiled at her and squeezed her hand before wriggling slightly to get her to move from their position. Jo cleared her throat, frowning heavily, and arched her back to loosen up her muscles, yawning widely.

"How long was I out?" she asked him in a small voice, stretching her arms and entangling herself from him, and with only looking at her he knew she was being self-conscious for how they had arranged themselves.

"I didn't realize you had fallen asleep," he told her, stretching as well. "It's a bit after 7, though," he pointed out to her.

"Ughh," she groaned, cracking her neck and scrunching up her face.

"Hey, didn't you have to work today? What about your shift?" Alex questioned her.

"Um… I was on Shepherd's service," she said, getting up slowly. "I did some paperwork and charting for him… but when Amber went in he said I could take the day… he somehow knew that I was connected to her," she wriggled her eyebrows at him, suggestively. Alex smiled.

"Yeah, I know… my friends like to talk," he said, making her chuckle. They both walked out together, steering towards the waiting area and met with Aaron who looked like he had been out for a while as well.

"Hey," he immediately jumped up. "How did it go?"

"They're closing her up right now," Alex informed him. "They didn't get all, from what I can tell, they found more tumors. They had some serious bleeding while trying to take out the bigger one, the one that showed on the screens," he tried to explain for his brother, who nodded, not knowing how to react or what that meant. "I guess it was too complicated. Bailey or Webber will be out in a moment, I guess. They'll tell us how to go on from this," he smiled at him, trying to tell him it was going to be okay.

"But she's alive? I mean, is she okay?" Aaron looked at them questioningly.

"Yeah, she's doing okay," Alex told him, smiling at his younger brother's relief.

"Oh, thank God," he exhaled, closing his eyes and bringing up one hand to rub his forehead. "I mean Meredith told me it was going okay but that was hours ago," he said, chuckling now.

"Let's go get some coffee, what do you think?" Jo mixed up the conversation, Aaron nodding happily.

"Yeah, I really need some right now," he said, already turning to leave. "You coming?" he looked back at Alex, who was torn. Jo glanced over him too, looking insecure.

"Yeah, I don't know, I'd rather stay to hear what's going on," he told them quietly. Jo sighed.

"When we left they weren't even done closing up," she told him matter-of-factly, and he knew she was right. "We'll get a coffee and then we'll go straight to ICU and see what's going on, okay?" she suggested, motioning with her head towards the elevators. They all went together to get some coffee and refreshers before heading up to the ICU, watching as they wheeled Amber into one of the rooms carefully and waiting for Bailey to approach them eventually. The superior doctor sighed deeply, looking up at the brothers and Alex could definitely see worry lines on her forehead.

"What? What is it?" he immediately interrogated her. Bailey looked up at him, seeming torn herself.

"I have good news and bad news. When we opened your sister up, we found that there wasn't one tumor, the one we saw on the films, but there were four more. They're still small but they're there. Luckily, her cancer has not metastasized," she said, looking over towards Aaron. "Which means it hasn't spread to other organs," making him nod.

"That's good, right?" he asked, making her nod.

"Yes, that's good," she agreed.

"So, could you get rid of all the tumors?" he immediately asked, and Alex guts sank since he knew, for a non-medical person, doing medicine sounded so easy, so black and white really. Like if there was something bad, you just take it away and that was that.

"No," Bailey shook her head.

"What? Why? So why did you close her up?" Aaron immediately blew up, making Jo grab his elbow and try to soothe him.

"Aaron, it's not as easy as it sounds, just listen to Dr. Bailey explain, alright?" she calmed him somewhat.

"Look, if we had tried to remove all of her tumors, the liver would have sustained too much injury to have any liver function left, even compared to how diseased it already is," she explained slowly. "But at least, Amber's liver is still working as it should be, for now, let me make that clear," she gestured with her hands. "So, as I said, the cancer has not spread, which is good. Dr. Webber and I tried to get rid of the biggest tumor, since we have to think about other options now, one of which is a liver transplant. As Dr. Wilson and Dr. Karev here might know," she pointed towards them, making them nod immediately, knowing where she was going, "not all people with diseased livers are suitable for a transplant. First of all, the liver has to be non-cirrhotic. We assessed her to be eligible concerning that subject. The thing is, if livers are cirrhotic, there's a higher chance of the patient not surviving the transplant. Secondly, to even go on the transplant list, there must be no metastasizing of the cancer, which we checked. And last, there can only be a single tumor no more than 5 centimeters or five small tumors, each no larger than 3 centimeters. To be frank with you, Amber is on a very thin line between being suitable for a transplant or not. Her cirrhosis is marginal, as discussed. We tried to resect the biggest tumor-," she recounted more but Aaron interrupted her.

"I don't understand. You said you found four more small tumors. Which makes them five. And they're all under five centimeters, right? I don't understand, why did you have to remove the bigger one?" he looked in between the doctors in confusion.

"Because being accepted on the transplant list doesn't mean you'll get a liver by tomorrow, it means it could take years and the tumor will grow and we can't have that happen," Alex turned around to enlighten him.

"_Years_?" Aaron looked at them in utter disbelief. "She's gonna be strapped to that freaking bed, looking all yellow as she does right now for _years?!_"

"That _could _be the case" Bailey muttered, nodding. "This is a lot to take right now, but please, let me finish. While trying to resect the biggest tumor, we found that the biggest blood supply was used by that one, and there was massive bleeding on the liver, which made Amber's heart pump crazy amounts of blood into her abdomen, making it overaccelerate, which in turn made her heart fail," she said, Aaron looking like he was on the verge of vomiting again. Alex glanced over towards Jo, exchanging a helpless look before Jo wrapped an arm around Aaron, trying to soothe him. "We could save her and she's stable now. We got the whole tumor out, but she's still left with the four smaller ones. This means, that although she is stable right now, her body has been put under a lot of strain, which subsequently means that it's not assured that she would make it through a transplant surgery at the moment. Amber's very weak, we'll need to monitor her closely," Bailey concluded. Alex nodded, sighing, trying to still look grateful. When Bailey met his eyes, he thought she could read it off his face, and she gave him the tiniest smile and nodded curtly.

"So, what does this mean? Where do we go from here? I don't… I can't… I don't understand… is she suitable to be on the list or not? Can she have a transplant? Or… I mean what's another option?" Aaron rambled on. There was an awkward silence between them.

"Aaron," Jo tried to illustrate cautiously, shaking her head slightly. "There is no other option. Right now, we have to see her through this, and we will try to keep her steady so she will be suitable to go on the transplant list and she gets healthy and strong enough to actually receive a donor liver," she told him slowly and quietly.

"That's all you can do?" he yelled back at her, glancing from one doctor to the next.

"Aaron," both Bailey and Alex tried to interject but he wouldn't let them.

"We came here to make her better, not worse!" he barked at them frantically.

"Aaron, this is all we can do at this moment," Bailey tried to drown out his ramblings with her strict voice, but Alex could hear a soft streak within it. She looked up at him, and he saw it in her eyes that there was something she wanted to propose.

"What is it?"

"Unless there's someone within your family that would be willing to get tested and donate part of their liver," Bailey pointed out, quietly. Alex shook his head.

"We all got tested years ago, our mother is the only person matching Amber's and she can't donate in the state she's in and with all the meds she's taking. She's not eligible," he said, sighing. He saw how Bailey's eyes flitted over towards Jo and he immediately snapped. "Don't even think about it," he warned her, making her look at him innocently, raising her hands.

"Alex," Jo interjected momentarily, begging him. "I'll get tested," she pleaded with him.

"No! End of discussion," he repelled the suggestion.

"Let me do this, I don't need my entire freaking organ if I can save Amber, come on, don't be stupid," she said, trying to match his eyes but he just stared at Bailey.

"No. Anyways, she's not fit enough to go through the procedures of a transplant at the moment. I don't even know why you brought it up," he barked towards Bailey.

"Because, as Dr. Wilson already said correctly, it _is _your sister's only option. Even though her body is weak, her chances of surviving are still higher, trying the transplant than letting her tumors grow," she stated, her eyes seeming sad.

"Alex," Jo grabbed his elbow now.

"No," he spat out. "Not gonna happen," he said, feeling how agitation was rising within him and everything blurred, everything just became too much. He needed to get out, he needed to get away.

"Sleep on it for a night, we'll need to monitor her anyways," Bailey suggested when seeing how the conversation turned from constructive to fighting.

"Thank you, Dr. Bailey, for everything," Alex told her with emphasis, making her nod, before he made Jo let go of him and took long strides to get out of the ICU, not even looking at his sister's appearance. _Ugh, fuck, why are you doing this to us? _Alex felt like he wanted to die. Everything inside him felt helpless and out of options. Every thought he had seemed useless. Yes, they had known about Amber's disease all along, yes, they had tried to keep it under control with the annual liver observations, and yes, they had known about possible deteriorations, too, knowing about possible decreased liver function, knowing about cirrhosis and tumors, they had known about all of it, however dealing with it was a whole new concept to him. She was 21 for God's sake! And now she was lying in a hospital bed, all hacked up, carrying a liver full of scar tissue and sprinkled with tumors, her heart and whole body too weak to do the only thing that could save her – a transplant. He couldn't think anymore. Alex felt the onset of tears clouding his vision and he immediately took a right and entered an on-call room, yanking the door behind him closed and throwing himself down on the bed, sitting there, face in his hands, letting the tears spill over.

It wasn't two minutes later that the door opened up again and he knew instantly without even looking, that Jo had followed him. He kept his face in his hands, trying to hide the tears that were streaming down his cheeks steadily.

"I can help," she whispered quietly, her voice sounding desperate as well. He just shook his head frantically. "I can donate a liver, Alex, I can at least get tested," she begged him again.

"No, you won't," he said, immediately closing up his mouth again, since he was embarrassed of how his voice sounded through his tears and sobs.

"Alex," he heard her take a couple of steps closer.

"No," he said, finally looking up at her, seeing that her face was distorted in pain also. "No, Jo, you can't, don't you get it," he tried to make her see frantically.

"Alex, please, it's Amber," she said, taking another few steps closer.

"I know that. _Fuck! _Don't you think I know that?" his eyes were wild and he knew it when he saw Jo's reflecting it. "She's dying on me," Alex yelped and put his face in his hands again, not knowing what to do with himself. He sensed how Jo bridged the gap between them and sat beside him on the bed, wrapping her arms around him now and kissing his shoulder repeatedly, before resting her head on it, and if he wasn't mistaken, she was losing tears, too.

"No," she whispered. "We're getting through this. We are, Alex, Amber can do this," she rambled on, squeezing his body within her hug. Alex took a deep breath and tried to calm himself. He tried to focus on Jo and how her thumb was caressing his side that she was holding, probably unconsciously. He felt how his knees stopped trembling so badly and with every deep breath, his insides felt a little lighter. Every second they sat there, his tears seemed to stream out with a little less current and finally his lips stopped shivering. He could feel how she looked up at him again, kissing his shoulder, trying to soothe herself from freaking out, too, he could feel it in every cell of her body. It took another several minutes but when Alex finally had the strength to look over at her, all doubts had gone and every bad feeling in the room had been erased. He indulged in her deeply green eyes before he did the only thing that made sense to him at the moment. He leaned in and kissed her.

The moment their lips touched, every inhibition was gone, everything of their past was erased for the moment. Alex tasted her sweet lips, that were seasoned with both their salty tears but that felt just the same as he remembered them, he shifted his torso a few inches and made her move her arms up towards his neck while his arms encircled her waist and he pulled her over on his lap, inching backwards on the bed and making her straddle him, deepening the kiss straight away. Everything inside him was on fire and he groped for her body to pull her even closer, pull her flush against his, holding her tightly to him, Jo reflecting his actions and tightening her arms around his neck, matching the desperate speed and intensity of the kiss. Nothing mattered anymore, Alex was holding onto Jo and vice versa, nothing else mattered. Alex brought his hands up from her sides to her hair, playing with it shortly before running his fingers through the strands on the side of her face, cupping her head and leaning back slightly. He felt Jo trying to halt him, pulling back from their kiss and sitting back up, looking at him frantically.

"Alex, no, this isn't right, this is so wrong in so many ways," she begged him, her face so close to his, their noses touching and they could feel each other's hot and erratic breaths.

"How can you even say that?" he asked her in a very low voice, looking at her unbelievingly.

"You're doing this for the wrong reasons. I… ," she tried to explain but he shushed her, kissing her again.

"Jo," he mumbled against her lips, making her nod and moan simultaneously. "I need you. Please stay with me."


	23. Silver linings

The room was silent while Alex and Jo stared at each other deeply after what Alex had just said, Jo still straddling him, holding him in a tight embrace whereas Alex was cupping her cheeks. Alex' head was spinning. He had just told Jo that he needed her and he had thought that he had put every ounce of love and appreciation for the woman in his arms into those three words, however, Jo just kept staring at him, as if she hadn't even heard him. She seemed paralyzed. Both their breaths came on slightly ragged and they were still way too close for it to be a normal situation or conversation they were engaging in, so Alex decided to not freak out, even if all his body and mind screamed at him to do so. _What was she thinking? _

He sighed, never averting his eyes, and loosened his grip on her face to stroke his thumbs across her cheeks gently, lovingly. He could feel Jo's arms slide down from his neck and gather in their joined lap and he could actually sense her loud and frantic heartbeat. He moved in, pecking her lips softly before running his hands down her neck and kissed her there, several times, showering her with kisses before his hands joined hers and he entwined them, picking them up and kissing them also, looking up at her, waiting patiently for a reaction. Jo just stared at him.

"I need you, Jo, and not because I'm hurting which I am," he tried to make it as clear as possible. "_I need you_."

Alex watched as a small tremble started in Jo's chin and how she tried to cover it up by pressing her lips into a thin line but couldn't, jerking her hands away from his and bringing them up to let her face fall into them, starting to cry softly. Alex' guts wrenched when her whole upper body crumbled down and she let her head rest on his shoulder, her hands holding so tightly to her face, not to let any tears or sobs out. Alex wrapped his arms around her and kissed the side of her face, letting her break down in his arms completely. He ran his hands up and down her back, trying to calm her, letting silence settle over them, taking a breather from all that had happened in between them. When Jo had simmered down, he could feel her wipe her face and straighten up again, looking down at him with the same passionate eyes as before she had succumbed to her tears and took a deep cleansing breath, cupping his cheeks. Alex gave her a small smile, not knowing what to say.

"You have no idea," she slowly spoke, her voice husky, "for how long I have needed to hear you say that," she said, gulping, making him avert his eyes but she immediately held up his chin to stop him. "I really didn't mean to cry on you. I'm sorry. Not the hottest thing you've probably witnessed in a girl," she said awkwardly, before she frowned for a second and then smiled at him widely, crashing down on him and kissing him desperately. They immediately fell back on the bed, Alex chuckling against her lips with relief and the heat returning instantly, as if sparked, after their short pause they had taken to calm down. Alex wrestled with the mattress to shift his body, aligning his frame onto the bed, Jo inching with him, still straddling him and kissing him wildly. Alex kicked off his shoes and fumbled with her scrub shirt the next moment, making her sit up straight and take it off without hesitation, immediately losing her long-sleeved shirt as well, biting her lip when she felt both his hands on her sides and caught his eyes on her, marveling. She smiled, brightly, and Alex didn't think he had seen anything more beautiful ever before. She swooped back down to kiss him, their lips working together like they always had, like they were made for each other, their tongues engaging in a fight that made him see blurry spots behind his eyelids, roaming his hands all over her defined back before sliding them downwards underneath her panties, giving her a reason to sigh and look at him through hooded eyes, not being able to chide him even though that was what she looked like right now, ready to tell him off for making her go nuts. But he had to touch her. It felt so good to just touch her. Her soft skin underneath his fingers, the chills he was able to give her with feathery touches, light squeezes.

Alex smiled before bringing up his hand and cupping her cheek, kissing her again, and taking his other hand to push himself off the mattress, sitting up within her embrace, making her hook her fingers underneath the edge of his shirt and take it off, looking at him dazed with desire. Alex snapped her bra open the next second and got rid of the garment, immediately swooping down to caress her breasts, her nipples completely erect from only straddling him. Alex heard himself groan at the touch of his mouth to her breasts, indulging in the sensation of holding her, kissing her. Jo's hands digged into his hair while she threw her head back and let him roam, breathing out, sounding raspy. When Alex' hands had found their way towards her crotch and his thumbs gently pushed down, teasing her sensitive area she couldn't help herself and moaned loudly, squirming in his embrace. Alex took the nipple he was playing with between his teeth and scratched her lightly, looking up at her distorted face before taking her into an embrace and turning her around clumsily to lie between her legs. Her hands instantly grabbed sheets of linen when she realized what he was doing, getting rid of her scrub pants and panties quickly, taking her shoes and socks at the same time, and brought her legs up to a bent position, settling down to pleasure her.

Alex knew Jo was on the verge of her first orgasm already, but so was he, watching her, feeling her again. The moment they had started to touch, everything inside him felt like it had healed – magically. Everything inside him felt alright, felt healthy and fit. Everything inside him was washed with the only thing he had for the person squirming underneath his touch: love. Alex kissed a trail from her right knee down on her inner thigh towards her core, running his fingers across her bottom and hips tenderly, parting her softly and bending down to trail gentle kisses from her opening up towards her clit, sucking on it lightly, watching her body writhe with pleasure, tremble in anticipation for what was about to come on, observing how her spine arched and her erect nipples peaked up, covering his perfect vision of her face momentarily, her face that was plastered with emotions, her eyes closed, her nose flaring, her lips agape, a moan caught in her throat, her right arm propped up over her head to hold on to the pillow whereas her left arm grabbed fistfuls of linen. Never had he seen such beauty. His tongue darted inside of her, while he brought up his hand to place it on her lower stomach gently, putting down some pressure.

"Mmmh," Jo moaned when she couldn't keep herself from being quiet anymore, making him smile against her parts. No _I love you _or _I need you _or _I wanna be with you _could keep up with that. Alex had heard too many girls moan beneath his touch, but only with one girl he could hear everything he needed to hear from that unconscious tone she was spitting out while he was making love to her. He wanted to hear more of her, make her squeal, he didn't care about the entire hospital potentially listening in on them, he didn't care. He just wanted to hear her sing for him. Alex felt how his jeans tightened gradually, making him feel a little dizzy and he knew, if he wasn't gonna do anything he'd risk Jo making fun of him like she had once done so with the thirteen year old Jonathan Gregory. While he kissed down on her continuously, he reached for his button and fly but only managed to open it up clumsily, wanting to do everything at once, not stopping for one beat, having waited long enough to be with Jo and desperately needing her. After a moment of irritation with himself he could feel Jo's shivering hands on his head, and he looked up at her smiling face and pushed himself towards her, feeling her ungraspably beautiful and arousing body underneath him, propping up on top of her, kissing and sucking on her neck, while she struggled to get his jeans and boxers off, him helping her with kicking them out at last. They both looked down when his hard length touched Jo's lower stomach, making her suck in her tummy and breathe heavily.

She reached down immediately, meeting his fingers there since he could already feel himself buck, she wouldn't have to be doing much to make him finish. They understood each other wordlessly and Jo let go of him momentarily, trailing her fingers up his rock hard chest, teasing him with light touches, wrapping them around his neck once more, looking up at his heavily breathing face that was only inches apart and bending up her knees again to tell him to just get it on already. Alex shifted slightly downwards and parted her folds, running his thumb across her hot and wet entrance, making her jerk and finally guiding himself inside her, coming up to rest his elbows besides her head, looking down at her eyes longingly. They stared at each other when he started to move and he watched as one second Jo was trying to say something and the next she threw her head back wildly, moaning incredibly loud and instantly her legs snapped around his waist to tighten their position. Alex smiled but had to pace himself since everything about this would have made him come already if he hadn't tried to keep it in a little longer. He moved over her writhing body rhythmically, feeling how her nipples underneath him teased his torso, feeling how every tiny muscle in Jo's body tensed around him, his face breaking out in an unbelieving smile when finally, his mind connected with his body and he realized, he was with his Jo. He instantly brought his lips down to her chest and kissed her, trailing smooches all over her upper body, feeling how Jo was ending the fight against her very early orgasm that ripped through her like he had never seen it coming. She had brought up her arms over her head again, holding on to the one rod at the head of the bed, her knuckles having turned white within the tight grip and her breathing having become loud and uncontrolled.

"Alex," she yelped as he brought his fingers down again and caressed her lower stomach while he massaged her left boob and watched her frantic jerks, observed her writhing state. He waited until he felt the muscles that engulfed his penis relax a bit and moved upwards again, putting all his weight on her before bending down and kissing her like he hadn't done in years, thrusting inside her even harder now, making her open up her eyes in pure desperation and longing for him to never stop. Alex broke the kiss for a second, fumbling with Jo's hip that was locked in place, as if they had been born to fit with each other, and squeezed it hard, trailing it up, making her shift her leg and prop it over his shoulder, and let him take care of her. Alex pushed it upwards, knowing that she could bend in ways he had never imagined, kissing up the back of her thigh, holding it in place, before he crashed down on her lips again, her arms trying to grasp him closer, hold him tighter, feeling how her fingernails scratched his back sore, but he didn't care. All he cared about was how incredible the feeling of being with her was, how much it overwhelmed him and how slowly, but surely, his mind grew smaller and smaller and he knew, he couldn't fight it anymore. He didn't know if the fireworks started in his head with the heated kisses they were engaging in or if it came up first in his limbs, his fingers that were now entangled with hers, pushing them down into the mattress or if his orgasm started in his penis that was sliding in and out frantically, sensation after sensation coming onto him, Jo cramping around him, but all he knew was, it was everywhere and the onset of it made his vision black out for a dangerously long moment, even though he held his eyes open, trying to match them with Jo's but he couldn't see because his orgasm made him black out completely. The last thing he knew was Jo crying out again for he had hit her spot with his erratic motions and they both finished together with Alex rasping out her name convulsively and falling down on her, not being able to hold up anymore, stilling within her embrace eventually.

Alex didn't know which one of them trembled harder or whose breathing was more out of control but he did know one thing, he had never felt so safe before. Nothing mattered but Jo lying with him, here, at this moment, no matter what else was going on, nothing mattered, but she was here, and he was too and he would make sure that they weren't going anywhere. Jo slowly lowered her leg and he could hear her chopped breathing, making out a long calming one in between them every now and again, probably due to her trying to calm down. Alex tried to prop himself up on his elbows but his muscles still seemed too worn out, making him fall back down onto her chest, kissing her between her boobs, hearing her chuckle and joined in, shaking his head. He tried to ease out of her confines gently before grabbing the sheet and covering up her goods. Jo inched out from underneath him and moved over to lie on her side with her back towards the wall, resting her head on her own arm, watching him. He smiled at her before moving up as well and rested face to face with her, completely exhausted. Jo's face was flushed and he could make out the thin film of sweat covering it. Alex' hand instinctively shot out to run his hand down the side of her face, tucking back a loose strand of hair, making her own hand spring up to gently swat him away, making him roll his eyes. The look of her had triggered another image he had in mind, not of their night they had spent together though, no, an image of the fourteen year old Jo walking off a volleyball field, turning around to smile at him, just having transferred back to their high school. Her face had just been as shiny and beautiful and she had looked just as content with a little bit of sass mixed in. He chuckled, admiring her gorgeousness. Jo slowly raised her hand from the mattress and inched it closer to him, resting it on his still heavily heaving chest, matching their eyes softly, and she again, looked insecure. _No!_ Was all Alex could think. He grabbed her whole body and pulled it closer, so they lay flush against each other, Jo wriggling her left leg between his and him moving his left arm underneath her head and his right hand was placed on her back, entangled in her messy hair. They stared at each other for ages it seemed, not grasping what had happened. Finally, Alex bent down and kissed his Jo tenderly, for the first time actually, consciously enjoying her lips on his, their lips moving against each other, longingly, lovingly before pulling back, looking at her again.

He thought about the day they'd had, looking up at her hair, playing with some curls. He thought about Amber and he knew the situation hadn't changed one bit. However, he felt so much better. Not because he had had desperate sex with the woman he loved but still couldn't articulate. But because he felt safe and he knew, they were going to do this together, whatever might happen now. He felt safe. He looked back down at her and struggled to say something.

"Jo," he breathed out, smiling at her slightly. She mirrored his facials. He brought down his hand and ran his fingers across her cheek softly, her eyes closing at first touch, before running them down her neck. "I just want you to know," he started, nervously. "This is not because of Amber," he stated eventually. Jo was still enjoying his touches with her eyes closed and nodded.

"I know," she replied.

"Or Aaron," he added.

"I know," she repeated.

"I just… I'm sorry," he hushed out, feeling small.

"I know. I am too," she said, looking up at him now, staring at him as long as it took for him to match their eyes. "But I don't wanna talk about that right now," she told him in a soft whisper, running her fingers up his torso now to cup his cheek and pull him into a kiss.

"Are you okay?" he asked her between kisses, making her nod. They stayed in their embrace for another while before she pulled back.

"Are you?" she asked him, slightly distressed looking.

"Yes," he responded with a smile. "Don't worry," he told her, pecking her lips again. They lay there for ages it felt but neither of them motioned to move or break it up, feeling nothing but safe and right in each other's arms. Alex felt so light; he could almost hear birds sing within his head. He felt himself drift off, his eyes dropping slowly, his body dazing off. And there was nothing he wanted to change about that.

"Alex," he felt hot breath by his ear, finding himself lying on his back, still holding onto Jo who was cuddled into his side. "Wake up, it's getting late, we fell asleep," she told him quietly, kissing his neck. He sighed deeply looking over at her face that looked at him soberly. He nodded, a little too dazed to read her expression. "Let's go see Amber, alright?" she suggested in a small voice, making him nod again before sitting up and reaching over to the already departing Jo, kissing her again making his guts churn_. Not now, Alex, calm down. You need to focus on your sister now. _He softened the kiss and they parted slowly, scrambling all their stuff together and dressing before getting up and stretching. Jo was the first to move towards the door but Alex walked swiftly after her and covered her hand while she was unlocking the door to still her movements, which she did. He bent down to kiss her neck and he knew she had closed her eyes when he did, placing her right hand on the one that he had slung around her waist.

"Hold on a minute," he whispered, making her nod. When they stood in silence, Jo turned around in his embrace and put her hands on his chest, looking at him straightly.

"I'm not going anywhere," she whispered towards him, but with emphasis. He nodded, feeling insecure again. "I promise," she shook her head before cupping his cheeks and pulling him down to kiss him again. They parted an inch and all he could make out was a short twinkle of her eye and how her lips tugged up sweetly.

"Okay," he breathed out finally, making her smile grow wider. "Let's do this," he said, sighing, making her wriggle her eyebrows and nod, pecking his lips one more time.

"Because we _can_," she told him. Alex wasn't entirely sure what _this _was, if it was Amber's situation or if it was…their _relationship_… but he didn't care. For all he knew, they'd apply it to both. Jo turned around in his embrace before eventually unlocking the door and they left the room together, walking towards the ICU side by side.

They entered slowly, one after the other, making Aaron look up from his phone and smiling at them. Alex scrutinized his sister's appearance. She looked peaceful, really. Sick, though. Her complexion wasn't good and the tubes that were sticking out at odd angles were irritating to her looks. He placed his hand on what must have been her knee, squeezing it lightly, watching Jo bend down towards her and kiss her head softly.

"I'm glad you made it out okay, sweetie," she murmured softly, stroking her hair lovingly. He felt himself smile slightly, tiredly. When Jo straightened back up, she walked over towards Aaron, kneeling down beside him, while Alex sat down next to Amber's legs. "Has she woken yet?" Jo inquired quietly. Aaron shook his head, sighing.

"Is it normal for her to take so long?" he directed towards them both and Alex sensed how Aaron felt a little overwhelmed with everything, especially because all the doctors tended to talk their doctor slang while he had to try to follow closely, never having heard half of it before and not being able to judge a situation as a good or a bad sign.

"It's not surprising," Jo told him, squeezing his hand. "She's had a major surgery done on her body today. And she had to suffer through cardiac arrest," she pointed out. "She might need a while to recover from that. Don't worry, Aaron, it's good that she's resting now. Every minute she sleeps just means that her body has time to get well," she smiled at him before getting up and looking at Alex. "How about you guys head on home? I'll stay with Amber, I've taken enough time off today and I don't need to be anywhere. You go home and get some sleep and I'll call you once she wakes up, okay?" she suggested. Alex sighed, thinking about it. Maybe it really was a good idea for them all to rest a bit, Amber didn't need them right now, but she would need them once she was back from being unconscious. He nodded eventually.

"You should head home, too, though," he added. "She's asleep, the nurses are taking good care of her," he pointed out, making Jo shake her head.

"No," she said. "She's gonna need someone she knows once she wakes up. She's scared and she needs us. I'll stay here, and I'll be there when she wakes up," she put down her conditions. Alex pondered for a while before sighing.

"Alright, if you're sure," he said, getting up from the bed.

"I'm sure," she responded, smiling softly at him. She turned around when Aaron got up and hugged him tightly. Alex watched them and felt relief spread all through him for having his family around him, for having everyone here to take care of Amber. When they parted, Aaron bent down to kiss his little sister's head and walked out the room quietly. Alex did the same, standing besides his baby sister one more moment to observe her.

"She'll be fine, right?" he asked for Jo's reassurance once more, feeling nerves flare up inside him.

"She'll annoy you by tomorrow, I promise," Jo gave back to him, making him smile down at his baby sister. He felt Jo's hand fumble for his and squeezed it before he sensed her kissing his upper arm. "Go," she mumbled against him. "I'll watch her closely, I promise," she said, making him nod, still not facing her.

"I know, I trust you," he gave her back, watching his sister like in a trance.

"Good, then get your ass out of here," she pushed him a little, chuckling.

"Do you have my number?" he turned back one more time before sliding open the glass doors.

"Um, yeah, they provided us with every resident's number at the beginning of intern year," she flashed her eyes at him, smirking.

"Alright, then," he slid it open and exited. Jo had already turned around trying to scoot the chair Aaron had been sitting in a little closer to Amber's bed when Alex propped his head in once more, watching her before shaping his words. "No more excuses, then, alright?" He watched as Jo turned in surprise and then smiled at him.

"No more excuses," she said, never averting her eyes until he had rounded the corner and vanished from sight.

Alex lay awake in his bed, staring at the ceiling. He knew it was the reasonable thing to do to get some rest while Amber was still out and not in need of them all hovering over her, nevertheless, his mind and body didn't seem to listen to reason. He tossed and turned, tried to get comfortable, but the images in his mind clouded rational warnings to himself. They had slept together. He had taken the leap and kissed her, touched her, slept with her. He had finally broken the evil spell under which he had seemed to be living and had gotten back with the woman he loved more than anything. His mind was overwhelmed with sensations and thoughts. _What did this mean? What were they going to do now? How were they going to act? What did she want? _Alex smiled in spite of himself. It really didn't matter. He had been with Jo this evening and he had realized, against all expectations, that it had been good. That it had been amazing. That he had needed nothing more than to be with her. Everything else didn't matter. With that thought, he finally found some rest and dozed off to sleep.

When he woke again, he felt like a train had wrecked him. Not much time could have passed, it was still dark and his head was buzzing, as if he had needed sleep desperately but hadn't gotten enough. Which, really, was the case. _What had woken him? What was going on?_ Alex looked around, blinking, trying to make out what the hell had retrieved him from deep, dreamless sleep until he finally realized his cell phone and his pager were both buzzing. _Oh God, oh God! _The feeling of dread set inside him when he looked at the clock and it was barely 4.30 a.m. He picked up his pager frantically, reading 911 Amber while groping for his cell phone and picking up.

"What? What's going on? Is everything okay?"

"Alex, you gotta come," Jo whispered on the other end.

"What's going on? Is she up?"

"No," she said, sighing deeply. "I may have just saved Amber's life," she told him.

"What? Jo, talk English, please? Did you cut out half your liver?" he asked her, knowing it wasn't the time for joking but he couldn't help it. He heard Jo chuckle on the other end of the line and he instantly knew that it couldn't be a real emergency if she was still laughing about his stupid joke.

"No," she responded softly. "I paged Bailey in. I found Amber a matching donor. Get up, I need one of you in here to sign consent," she urged him, sounding like she was walking somewhere.

"Wait, what? What donor? Can you please explain?" Alex was confused, looking around for his jeans to put them back on and opening up his closet to retrieve a shirt and clumsily put it on while he still held his phone to his ear.

"Katy came in twenty minutes ago. She's on the night shift as well and brought me coffee," she started.

"Skip the details," Alex told her gruffly, walking over to wake Aaron.

"Well, she ranted about a guy they couldn't save, blah, blah, you know, brain dead, whatever, anyways, I made her get the blood work done to find out if he was a match for Amber and he is," she said, Alex feeling how his guts fired up. "Side note: I didn't really mean that _brain dead, whatever _comment_,_ you know that, right?"

"What? Oh God, are you serious?"

"You mean the matching donor for Amber or the braindead whatever?"

"_JO_!"

"Yes, Alex, I'm serious, why else would I call you in the middle of the night?" Alex chuckled, knocking on Aaron's guest room.

"Hm, well I could think of various reasons," he told her, the brilliant news about the donor liver encouraging him to take the whole Jo situation a little more light-hearted and be happy about the good turns they were facing everywhere they looked these days it seemed.

"Shut up," he heard Jo hiss and laugh simultaneously, making him laugh softly.

"Aaron, wake up," he called into the dark room, making his brother stir.

"What?" he immediately bolted. "What's going on? Oh my God, did something happen with Amber?" Aaron shot up from his lying position and got on his clothes in record time, taking Alex aback.

"No, everything's good, good news, get ready, I'll tell you in the car," Alex told him, moving over towards the bathroom, turning back to his phone.

"You said you called in Bailey?"

"M-hm," Jo answered.

"Did you page her or did you actually talk to her?" he pushed on, putting his phone down and switching onto loudspeaker, washing his face.

"I talked to her. I can't be sure but I kinda think she tumbled out of bed," Jo giggled, and Alex could make out a sound through the phone that reminded him of the doors in the ICU.

"Good. Give us 15 minutes. Are you with Amber?"

"Just walked in," Jo whispered now.

"Alright, don't wake her," Alex told her.

"I know," she said.

"Did Bailey say anything about it?"

"She said the exact same thing but I can't put her under if we don't know for sure that Amber will get the liver," she murmured.

"Yeah, I know, alright, see you in a bit," he said, hanging up and brushing his teeth, before jogging down the stairs, beaming at a completely confused Aaron.

"What the hell is going on?"

"We are saving our sister's life today," he chuckled in elation before passing him by, yanking the door open and running down the front stairs, basking in the first few rays of the sun. _Oh please, let this be a good day for us. We need this to be a good day. We need to get our little sister back. Please?_

* * *

**_Note: _**_Third to last chapter, people! Just preparing you... or rather myself... cause slowly but surely throughout Alex and Jo's journey I completely and entirely adopted this story to be one of my most precious babies and I will be so sad once it's over. Oh God! _


	24. Doubts and fears

Alex and Aaron rushed through several hospital wings towards where they knew Bailey and Jo had to be waiting for them. When they turned the corner towards the ICU, Alex made out Dr. Bailey standing at the nurses' counter, drumming her pen up and down and looking at Amber's chart while Jo stood watching Amber's sleeping shape through the glass, her arms folded across her chest, impatient it seemed.

"We're here," Alex breathed out hard, trying to get his pulse under control after having run through the entire hospital. Bailey looked up at him in surprise while Jo startled, not having seen them before. Alex focused on Bailey while he could see Jo immediately step closer and smile at Aaron.

"Well, good," Bailey didn't even seem to be too bothered to have been woken and called in. "Dr. Wilson here did good work, if this all works out for Amber, you'll have to thank her," the doctor pointed out. Alex glanced over at her face, sighing deeply and shaking his head tinily, not knowing in the slightest how to show her his gratitude. She just gave him a small smile and hugged Aaron back who had pretty much attacked her from the side. When Alex looked back towards Bailey, she was smiling maternally again. "We started Amber on anti-rejection drugs and put her under a light sedation, so she wouldn't wake up before we put her under again, since we have a greater chance of her body recovering from all this strain if it's not dragged from unconsciousness back to consciousness and reversed," Bailey pointed out, making Alex nod.

"What about the donor?"

"They had a car crash come in three hours ago. Hunt started operating but there was too much damage to his brain. They declared him brain dead an hour ago," she pointed out. "Dr. Wilson here already checked with Dr. Wiley and found that Mr. Carrington is a close match for your sister," she said, smiling at their unbelieving faces.

"I don't understand," Aaron spoke up for the first time, everyone else turning towards him. "You said that if she was put on that transplant list, she would maybe wait years," he mumbled.

"Yes, that's true. And usually, if things like that happen, a person being declared brain dead who was willing to give organs upon death, is harvested and the organs go to whichever hospital or rather patient UNOS decides is next on their list. The thing is, we have talked to UNOS and since Mr. Carrington's injuries are so severe, his body will not survive for much longer, either, so the harvest team will not be able to be here in due time, so what happens then is, the organs go to waste, so, in such cases, immediate inter-hospital transplants can take place. It's rare and complicated but this is what will happen," she explained to his brother.

"Okay… so what about when you said that her body wasn't strong enough to survive a transplant?" Bailey looked at him and sighed.

"Again, Amber is very weak. Yesterday's surgery has strained her body and organs immensely. But this is still the best chance we have. As soon as one of you signs consent, since Amber is not in fit state to do so, we will start prepping her. We have done everything for her body to make it stronger, we haven't woken her, which is good, it's a strain to the body to adjust to consciousness again after surgery, so we kept her under as soon as we realized what was going to happen. Also, with organ transplants there's always the chance of the patient rejecting the liver," she continued.

"What does that mean? Like… her body won't take it?"

"Well, yes, it happens. Two people alive can never be a perfect match for each other, everyone being so different – well except for identical twins, of course. We just try to get them as close as possible. However, here comes the good news: the only positive thing you will ever hear about your sister's secondary immune deficiency is, it will maybe make it easier since her immune system will not actively or let's say radically be attacking the foreign organ. Now, coupled with the immune repressors I'm positive that Amber will do very well with the liver," Bailey concluded.

"So, what? What are we waiting for?" Aaron looked around, meeting sad faces.

"We're waiting for the donor's family to say goodbye," Jo whispered after a while.

"Oh God, that is so bad," Aaron said, his eyes widened. "Don't tell Amber that. She's gonna freak, I tell you. She'll want to go meet them and she'll cry over the guy who had to die for her," he rambled on. Alex nodded.

"Well, sadly, as of right now, that's the way the world goes round," Dr. Bailey only said, sliding the paperwork she had been holding in her hands over towards Alex who stood closest to her, shoving her pen into his hand also. Alex looked over at Aaron, matching eyes with him. After a second, he nodded and Alex exhaled softly.

"Alright, let's do this," he decided, putting his signature down on the paper and pushing it over towards Bailey again, making her smile.

"I'll send someone to prep Amber as soon as I hear anything, alright?" she looked back up at Alex, nodding towards each other before she left the ICU. They all stayed with Amber for another while before doctors started streaming in and Amber was wheeled away to prep her for surgery, leaving the room empty and all three of them silent. Alex scratched his head, trying to keep calm and think about what was going to happen now.

"Are you going to watch again?" Aaron spoke up first. Alex looked over at him and pondered.

"Yeah, probably," he decided after a moment, looking at Jo.

"You think that's a good idea?" she asked him, her face looking torn.

"I don't know. Probably no. But I don't know what else to do with myself," he said, biting his lips. She just nodded, accepting his answer, before turning towards Aaron.

"You should probably go spend the day somehow," she suggested for him. "It'll only make you go crazy if you keep sitting in that God awful waiting room, staring at that door and waiting for them to come out," she said. Aaron nodded and then chuckled.

"I don't really know what to do with myself here," he stated, awkwardly.

"Well, how about we go down to the cafeteria and get some breakfast together and then we'll think of something, alright?" Aaron nodded gratefully, moving towards the doors.

"You should go home, too, later," Alex commented, watching Jo from behind. "You've had a long night, I bet you didn't get any sleep." Jo turned back to look at him.

"I'll go sleep in an on-call room after breakfast," she answered him quietly. "I don't wanna leave if anything happens. And I have to pull off an all-nighter starting tonight at 7, so it makes sense if I stay, anyways," she informed him, making him nod. "Call me if you know anything?" she asked him, when Aaron had pushed open the door and walked a few steps outside, making Alex nod again. "Or if you need me," she whispered. Alex matched her eyes, feeling vulnerable. All the good mood from this morning had disappeared, all he felt at the moment was scared. But he knew there wasn't anything he or anyone else could do right now but wait and hope. He gave her a small smile, trying to show her gratitude for how she was trying to help him or them through this.

"I will," he murmured, making her smile and walk out of the ICU room as well.

Alex thought this day couldn't have gone any slower. He had gotten a coffee himself before sitting up in the gallery, watching the on goings in the OR. The transplant itself seemed to go okay. Amber's body was weak, though, and more times than not the monitors screamed with her heartbeat dropping or whatever else could fail. Every single time, though, Bailey and the other surgeons would save her, and every single time he felt like he wanted to hug and kiss his superior. It was different this time, though, he didn't feel like yelling and freaking out, he felt paralyzed really. He sat and watched quietly, not even realizing the come and go that happened in the gallery, only looking up when Meredith sat beside him, silently, providing him with some support. He kept updating Aaron on his phone and even sent a text for Jo, however, as she had announced earlier, she had to have been catching up on sleep, for she was not replying. Alex could feel how his insides felt like soapy bubbles when at last, after eight long hours of surgery, Bailey looked up at him and smiled, nodding at him, and he closed his eyes and exhaled that one long breath he had been holding. _Everything was going to be okay. _Alex knew that with transplants, the critical time did not end with the surgery finished successfully, so he tried not to get his hopes up too much, a lot could still happen, but at least she had made it through the worst. She would have an awfully long recovery period before her, but they could deal with all of that. For now, she was alive, and she had against all expectations gotten a new, healthy looking liver. He hadn't even been able to think properly while waiting for the liver to pink up, to get the blood supply going, and when it did, everything that he had dreaded had just flown away. Alex waited until they were done closing her up, before walking down towards the scrub room, waiting by the door for Bailey to come out, and once she did, he didn't say one word but just pulled her into a tight hug, holding onto her as if for dear life.

"We did good, Karev. You all did," she said, petting his back a couple of times awkwardly before wriggling out of his embrace.

"You have no idea," he told her, shaking his head in disbelief, still holding onto her upper arms tightly. "Thank you, Dr. Bailey," he stated with emphasis, finally making her smile.

"You're most welcome," she told him, seeming happy herself.

They parted and Alex walked across the hospital to find Aaron and when he did, he felt like Aaron was the living example of how he felt himself. They hugged tightly, Aaron losing some very carefully tugged away tears before parting and Alex directed his brother towards the nurses' station to ask where and when he could go see Amber. Alex felt drained. All he wanted to do was go lie down and take a nap. He still wanted to tell Jo but he could text her while he was looking for a bed. He walked over towards the locker rooms, peeking in every on-call room, finding all of them occupied, feeling how irritation set inside him. He had to chuckle. If irritation was something he could feel again, then they really had conquered the hardest part. He jogged up the stairways to go look for a free bed on another level, only to find more occupied beds. He was just closing up another door when scrunching up his face and realizing that he was looking at the sleeping shape of Jo, occupying that single on-call room. He froze in the doorway, not sure what to do. They hadn't even talked yet. They hadn't even decided how to go from here. He didn't even know for himself what he wanted, what he could manage to let happen between him and Jo. He couldn't just go and lie in bed with her without even having discussed this. It was wrong and bad timing and it… he wanted to make this right and he wanted them to figure out what this was before they dove into something they both weren't ready for. Alex sighed.

On the other hand, he knew exactly what this was and what he wanted, which was very easy to answer: Jo. _Get over yourself, already. _Alex sighed before entering the room quietly, closing the door behind him, and locking it, not because he planned on doing something other than sleeping, but because it really was nobody's business to see them together. He took some tentative steps towards the bed, looking at Jo who was facing the wall, her back turned towards him, completely peaceful. He kicked off his shoes before getting off his jacket that he had still been wearing since he had left the house early that morning and kneeled down on the bed, gently placing his hand on her waist.

"Move over," he whispered towards her, not really wanting to wake her but realizing, he didn't have any space to lie down. Jo wriggled the tiniest bit and from what Alex could tell, she hadn't even woken fully, but she did as he told her, and he got in bed besides her, hesitantly wrapping his arm around her, hugging her towards his chest. Alex felt how he immediately relaxed when Jo adjusted her body to his and her slow rhythmic breathing made his eyes droopy. He could feel how his insides got a little agitated with running himself into something stupid again, and tried to not let it overwhelm him. _Just because she moved over without waking up doesn't mean she'd let any one guy sleep in bed with her. How did you want her to react? You didn't wanna wake her, you wanted into bed with her, so what? Don't fret, for God's sake. _Alex tried to relax for a second but it came easy, once Jo unconsciously brought the arm she had been resting on the pillow down to entwine her fingers with his. He closed his eyes and buried his nose in her hair. Nothing had ever felt as right as this. Him lying in bed with her. _Nothing_.

Alex woke up when it had gotten dark but he didn't know how long he'd been out. He yawned slightly before stretching his legs and sensed how Jo was playing with his fingers softly, freezing up immediately.

"How did it go?" she asked him lazily, still talking towards the wall, though, not having shifted from their comfortable position.

"I think if you didn't know yet you wouldn't be that calm right now," he whispered, smiling. There was a short pause before he continued. "How did you know?"

"I think if it had gone badly you wouldn't have come in here to restfully sleep your exhaustion off," she pointed out quietly, repeating Alex' previous thoughts, making him chuckle.

"Probably, yes," he said, kissing her shoulder out of reflex, pulling back slightly, startling himself with how at ease he was with her even though they still hadn't talked and he didn't even know what she thought about this.

"So," she repeated, not reacting to Alex' caresses. "How did it go?" Alex sighed.

"She made it out okay," he started. "It took forever and her vitals were shaky for a while, but Bailey did an amazing job. The liver looks good. Now we just have to wait and see," he said.

"Oh, thank God," Jo breathed out, clutching his hand a little tighter. They lay in silence for a while, both engaging in their own thoughts.

"Did I wake you?" Alex asked timidly after a while, making her shake her head. There was another pause. Alex' guts coiled a bit when he felt her move and realized, she was trying to turn around to face him. Jo's face was sober and she looked something in between still sleepy but relaxed. She stared at his face for a while, and he thought she was trying to depict something.

"I'd know the feel of your hands anywhere," she stated suddenly, making him frown. "And at any time," she added. "Even while asleep." Alex narrowed his eyes at her, trying to make out how in the world she had read that off his face. Then she smiled slightly when he sighed and averted his eyes.

"Sometimes I think you know me better than I know myself," he told her slowly, making her smile grow wider.

"That's probably a fact, not only a thought," she nodded at him, cupping his cheek tenderly.

"I…we…," Alex shook his head in exasperation, trying to voice what had been in his head a while ago. Jo just shushed him, closing her eyes for a moment.

"I know, Alex. It's not the time right now to fix _us_… we need to fix Amber first. That doesn't mean I'm going anywhere, though. And it also doesn't mean you can't come be with me, I hope you know that?" she waited for a reply. Alex sighed again, feeling overwhelmed.

"What if…," he said, trying to articulate his fears. Jo shook her head again.

"Not gonna happen," she smiled at him. "We're going to work this out, okay? I wanna be with you just as much as I think you wanna be with me. So whatever it is, we'll figure it out, okay?" Their eyes burned into each other for a while before Alex was finally ready to nod.

"How are you so good with this?" he asked her in a small voice. Jo chuckled, her eyes sparkling.

"You mean, social interacting?" she wriggled her eyebrows at him for they both knew they had talked about the same thing years ago already. Alex chuckled, letting his head fall.

"Well, I guess I know the answer, then," he mumbled, surprised when he felt Jo's hand underneath his chin, guiding it up to match their eyes again.

"No," she told him. "It's easy because it's you. I'm not good at this with anyone else. I'm good at this with you. Because it's _you_," she stressed the last statement. When they leaned in and kissed, Alex thought he might have to get hooked up to a breathing machine. Even though he had his eyes closed, everything swirled. He slid his hand that had still been resting on her waist downwards and fumbled with her shirt to get underneath it and touched her cottony skin on her back, pushing her against him softly. He heard and felt as Jo's breathing hitched within the kiss upon bringing her body flush to his and she wrestled to entangle their legs, moving her arm that had been slung over his waist upwards to hold on to his shoulder from behind, hugging him close. Alex couldn't help but smile into the kiss when Jo let out a small moan, overwhelmed with sensations as well. He pulled her back slightly, only an inch, to look at her and rub their noses together, trying to go slow. Even the lightest touch, the most innocent gesture, everything about her aroused him, although he hadn't been anticipating anything going in that direction and he didn't want her to think of them as that either, so he brought some space in between them. Jo, though, wouldn't have it and pulled him even closer, grinding into him mercilessly, his growing erection softly pushing her, their eyes still burning into each other.

"Sorry," he mumbled, looking down at her lips.

"There's nothing here for you to be sorry about," she spoke under her breath. "I want this just as much. I want you, Alex. All of you, I thought that was clear," she shifted her head to motion to him that that had been a question, really.

"I'm not sure what I want," he said, his heart beating hard.

"I know," she said. "But I'll wait," she added, making him look up in pain.

"No, no, you shouldn't, I mean, no, that's not right… I don't wanna lead you on," he said frantically. Jo just smiled.

"You're not leading me on, I know that," she ran her fingers through his hair. "You're just trying to process. You're trying to open up to me, I know that. I know you won't be running around doing it with every easy skank there is, I know that. I don't expect from you to be done with working this out by tomorrow, I'm not. Take your time. I want you to take the time. I want you to work it out, so when we do have another chance, that one will be forever," Jo told him, never once trembling with her voice or averting her gaze. "I'm just saying. I'm not going anywhere," she said. Alex stared at her, unbelieving of how beautiful and amazing she was.

"Neither am I," he whispered, and even though he hadn't planned on saying it, when he heard the words, he knew they were true. She was right, there were lots of issues they still had to work on… but one thing was sure, he wasn't going anywhere. He wanted this. He sighed and then had to chuckle about Jo's self-conscious smile that she couldn't hide after hearing him say it and he kissed her. Their touches and gestures were familiar, Alex knew what it felt like when Jo held him close, when she ran her hands down his muscular back, he knew what it was like when she scratched her fingers through his hair or tightened her legs on him, he knew that, but he had missed it so terribly and he was just so amazed by how it felt, and how they could lie with each other, not once thinking about taking their clothes off, just touching each other, marveling, acting and reacting, kissing, lingering gazes. Alex didn't even think of anything much, he just held Jo in his arms and everything was bliss.

He had just buried his face into her neck, kissing and sucking her, capturing soft moans from her lips, squeezing her butt gently and shifting his own body and hers, so she was on top of him, when his cell phone beeped. Jo immediately got distracted, looking down on the ground, already halfway bending down to retrieve it, but he wouldn't let her. He sat up, so their bodies were even closer and pulled her into a kiss again, slowly rocking his hips, teasing her, feeling like he was gonna explode sooner or later even though they weren't even halfway doing it but he didn't seem to be able to stop.

"Alex," Jo gasped into the kiss, starting to breathe really fast all of a sudden, and when they both opened their eyes he could see how hers were rolling backwards and he smiled. "I can't-," she spat out through deep breaths. "I can'toohh, God, please," she chucked out while she simultaneously tightened her legs on him, making him groan now, burying his face into her hair. Alex' hand had long gone into her scrub pants, cupping her backside while the other one was wrapped around her closely. "Alex," she tried again, putting some space in between them forcefully, looking at him burningly, making him smirk. "I can't breathe. If we're not gonna do this, we need to stop _NOW," _she almost chuckled for she couldn't help but mirror his expression. Alex shook his head at her slowly, marvelling at her beauty. "Alex?"_  
_

"I can't think right now," he murmured, making her laugh and then bend down and kiss him again. "All I really want is you," he rambled on without thinking, having lost his mind way back when she had started caressing his chest. Jo pulled away and gave him a tender look.

"Me too," she whispered, smiling, but biting her lip. "I have wanted this since back when I first hugged you. When you first let me in. I have wanted you since you gave me one tiny piece of you. And I can't think with you here but still so far away. I can't think about anything else anymore. I feel like I'm the stupidest intern on the floor just because all I do is try to make it right with you. I feel like all the residents and attendings look down on me because I make silly mistakes because you walk by and I get so distracted with thinking about what else I can do to make you see that I made _one stupid mistake! _I just-," Jo suddenly started to talk herself into frenzy.

"Hey, hey, hey, hey," Alex tried stopping her, pulling her into a hug. "Hey, Jo, stop freaking out," he soothed her, rubbing her back. "It's okay," he tried to calm her. "It's okay, look, we're here, we're together, nothing else matters, alright? I know we haven't talked yet and I know we're both not quite there yet... but I'm in this, too, alright? Stop apologizing, I can't hear it anymore. I understand, okay? I have made many mistakes in my life but I'll be trying to not make any more with you, okay? I meant what I said. I want you, Jo. I just... I need a little more time. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have come in here, it wasn't right," now he rambled, both having become rather nervous and fidgety about trying to make the other one see and they jumped from one big issue to the next, not even breathing in between.

"No, shut up, you come be with me anytime. I have missed you so much. I want you to be here. I need you. I'll give you all the time you need, it's just... I don't wanna jump in this completely rash and then go about it wrongly or...push you away rather then keep you with me. I just don't wanna do anything wrong," she whispered, her head resting on his shoulder.

"You won't," he told her, soothingly.

"I already did," she responded frantically, picking up her head and looking at him.

"That's over now. It's been such a long time, Jo. You explained. I get it. I do. Let's not talk about it any longer, okay? I can't have you be sorry for the rest of your life and beat yourself up constantly for freaking out. That's not healthy, and I don't want that. I want us to...to...I don't know... if we're going to do this, we'll need to work something out, alright? We can't just talk about the past all the time... we need to focus on how we're going to head forward," his voice was calmer now.

"Okay," she breathed. "I just... oh God, with you...," she trailed off, looking up at the ceiling.

"I know," he just gave her, smiling slightly. "Just stop freaking out. Nothing good comes of that...ever," he wrigggled his eyebrows at her. He bent down to retrieve his phone and looked at the message. "Aaron says Amber's waking up," he informed her before locking it up again and matching eyes with her. They looked at each other for a second before both started laughing.

"Oh God, I'm so glad," she let out a huge breath before they hugged. "Thank you, thank you, thank you," she struggled with her words, directing them to nobody in particular.

"Yes, thank God," Alex gave her back before smoothing his hands down her sides and rested them at her hips. "Let's go see her?" Jo nodded happily.

They unwrapped from each other and got up, trying to fix their clothing as they were making their way out, straightening up.

"Jo," he spoke up again, as they were walking along the hallways.

"Hm?" she looked over at him dreamily.

"Can we... can we try to deal with Amber first? I mean... there's so much to think through and she'll need to get better and... I don't wanna just start sleeping with you on a regular basis," he quieted down a bit, looking around for potential listeners, "without having talked about what we...I mean...how we...I'm trying to say that if we actually...," Alex struggled with his thoughts. Jo smiled.

"I told you, I'll wait. I just don't want you to forget about me," she said softly. Alex scrunched up his face, looking at her mockingly.

"As if that's ever going to happen. Tried that a thousand times," he said, shooting her a glance and felt a knife stabbing his chest when he saw her reaction and realized that he was speaking way more thoughtlessly than he had wanted to. "I mean...," he tried to correct himself but she was already smiling.

"Don't," she was the one to scrunch up her face now. "you always say sweet stuff and then take it back. Just," she shook her head at him slowly. "If we wanna be truthful with each other, stop being so guarded, please," Jo begged him. "I will if I have to but it's hard to try to make sense of everything that comes out of your mouth - or rather everything that stays in - but then have you in my arms and having you tell me the exact opposite with your hands and lips and...well, all that," she pointed out for him. Alex nodded.

"I'm trying," he stated, sheepishly.

"Thank you," she whispered, her lips tugging upwards lightly. They rounded the corner to the ICU and went inside, sanitizing themselves instantly before stepping into Amber's semi dark room. Aaron looked up at them and smiled. They both walked over towards her bed, looking down. She still seemed to be out.

"She's wriggling around a bit, the nurse said it'll probably be any minute now, judging from that monitor over there," he whispered, making both Jo and Alex look over, immediately flashing grins at each other at the very positive vitals. They stood there for another moment, before Alex turned around to sit on the edge of her bed and looked back at Aaron while Jo stroked through Amber's breezy hair.

"How're you holding up?" Alex asked him.

"Fine. I'm getting sleepy in here, though," he smiled slightly before his eyes widened and he nodded towards Amber, making Alex turn instantly, his face breaking out into a wide smile. Amber was blinking her eyes in confusion, looking dazed, trying to say something it seemed, but her throat was all dry so she coughed and immediately scrunched up her face in pain. Jo held up a small cup of water with a straw to her mouth and made her drink before Amber sighed deeply and closed her eyes for another moment, smiling, though. They all watched her meticulously, glad she was awake.

"How are you doing, baby girl?" Alex spoke up first, gently though.

"You know," she said in a hoarse voice. "All my life I thought I wanted to avoid awkward situations like this one," she managed to say eventually, making them all frown questioningly. "But I'm so, so happy momentarily," she continued, making them all smile. "That my oldest brother is sitting here, sporting the finest edition of sex hair _ever_," she scrunched up her face again, her hand immediately going towards her abdomen. Alex yanked his head back before rolling his eyes and Jo looked flustered, while Aaron chuckled.

"Shut up," Alex responded, making Amber laugh.

"Welcome back, sweetie," Jo murmured towards her, kissing her temple, ignoring what Alex' sister had just suggested. "How are you feeling?"

"Amazing," she blinked her eyes open again, trying to move.

"Don't move too much, Amber," Alex directed her. "You've had a series of procedures done on you," he told her. Amber looked up at him questioningly before breaking out in a smile again.

"Oh, I so want to but I just can't take you seriously right now," she giggled slightly through hooded eyes. Alex saw Jo laugh silently with closed eyes, having turned her face away to the wall from the corner of his eyes, trying not to blow up on Amber.

"I _do not _have sex hair, got it? Now," he instantly went back to business. "Amber, they tried getting out your tumors, but it was bad, so they closed you up again," Alex started out, Amber's face draining completely. "No, no, no, let me finish," he motioned with his hands. "You've been out for a while now," he smiled at her. "They found a liver for you. They kept you under and got rid of your old liver, replacing it with a shiny, functioning new one," he announced happily, everybody beaming at her madly. There was silence in the room, while everybody waited for Amber's reaction. She seemed like she had frozen.

"Amber, say something, are you alright?" Aaron looked at her worriedly. They watched as Amber scrunched up her face and all of a sudden, tears were streaming down her cheeks uncontrollably.

"Oh, baby," Jo bent down and stroked her hair, kissing her cheeks. "It's okay, you're gonna be okay," she repeated for her, making her cry even harder. The guys watched the heartbreaking scene for a while until Amber had calmed down beneath Jo's whispers and reassurances and she looked up at them questioningly.

"Does that mean... I... survived?"

"Yes, baby girl, that means you have a long, long life before you," Alex smiled at her. Amber beamed, not seeming to believe it yet. Alex caught Jo's eyes resting on him now, and he matched hers. She smiled at him and nodded her head. _Everything's going to be just fine. _He gave her his best smile and agreed. _Everything was going to be perfect. _We_ are going to make everything perfect._

* * *

**_Note: _**_Almost there! One more to come! _


	25. The concept of forever

Alex slid the door to Amber's ICU ward open unceremoniously, looking down at his sister's chart. He looked up in surprise when he realized that everybody had stopped talking upon his entry. Amber was sitting in her bed upright, looking flustered and smiling brightly, Jo and Aaron sitting beside her, seemingly having entertained her.

"What?" he asked them skeptically. When Amber just widened her smile and Aaron chuckled into his cell phone, he rested his gaze on Jo, who seemed to spend her day off here since she was wearing jeans and an oversized dark grey zip up hoodie, having pushed her hands inside her sweater pockets and having propped up her feet on Amber's bed. She just shook her head at him in a tiny motion while trying to get rid of the smile that seemed to have been playing her lips. "Were you talking about me?" Alex narrowed his eyes at them all, scrutinizing them.

"Never, brother, we wouldn't dare," Amber told him mockingly. Alex sighed, knowing he wouldn't get anything much out of them and stepped closer, waving Amber's chart at her and smiling.

"Guess what," he stalled, smirking at her.

"What?" she asked him, her eyebrows resting somewhere close to her hair line and shaking her head at him questioningly.

"I talked to Bailey and she promised to have you discharged by tomorrow morning if your vitals stay up all day and all night," he opened to her, making her squeal and push both her fists in the air, seemingly immediately regretting it for she bent down and brought her arms to her abdomen. They all flinched with her and sighed. "You're supposed to take it easy, Amber," Alex chided her.

"I'm going hoooooome!" Amber cheered, making them all laugh.

"Well, if you're stable through today and through the night," Alex pointed out to her, still feeling uneasy about finally letting her go.

"Oh, come on, Alex, don't fuss now," she gave him back with a pointed look. "We all know I've only spent the last three weeks in this show room," at this she motioned towards the glass walls surrounding her, "cause my stupid adorable big brother couldn't let me go just yet," she winked. Alex frowned.

"No," he responded, stressing the word. "You've been here because your body has been through hell and back and we needed to monitor you," he stated.

"Don't you have any super important patients to supervise?" Amber rolled her eyes at him. Alex sighed.

"Yeah, I'm only on my way through. Just wanted to tell you that Bailey's going to stop by mid-afternoon, so don't wander. And I took off tomorrow, so we can get you settled at my house," he smiled at her sweetly. Amber groaned. "What?" he asked, dropping his smile.

"You know what, Alex? I really appreciate everything you've done for me…everything everybody here has done for me really… but I'm _fine. _I'm great! I'm finally healthy! And at this point… as much as I'll miss you…but I really just wanna go home… And since Aaron is flying out tomorrow, that'd be very convenient I'd say," she voiced carefully, making both Aaron and Jo nod in agreement. Alex looked at her and he even felt it himself that his face had to look really stupid right now.

"You can't go tomorrow anyways, Amber. How are you going to get a ticket this last minute?"

"I'm on it," Aaron pointed his phone at them, instantly going back to typing something on it. Alex was confused.

"What do you mean, you're _on it_?" Alex inquired.

"Turns out the girl he was sitting with throughout Amber's first surgery," Jo spoke up for the first time, wriggling her eyebrows and smiling wickedly. "Is a flight attendant," she informed him.

"Okaaay? And how does that make Amber fly on the same plane as Aaron tomorrow?"

"He has been seeing her regularly for the past three weeks. God, sometimes I really can't believe how oblivious you are to your surroundings," Amber reprimanded him, shaking her head.

"He has?" Alex raised his eyebrows, moving his gaze over towards Aaron. "Go Aaron," he chuckled, making his brother smile and look up at him quickly before focusing on getting Amber on the flight with him. "Well, but that still doesn't mean you'll get on it. How much does one flight attending have to say? I mean… unless she's-," he pondered.

"_Stop_ talking now," Jo chided him instantly when she realized where this was going.

"What was he going to say?" Amber looked in between them in confusion. They both just smiled sheepishly, Jo shook her head. "Ohhh," his little sister caught on. "Oh, Alex, you nasty, nasty man!" she took a bar of wrapped chocolate that was lying on her nightstand and threw it towards him.

"Hey," he defended himself but caught the piece at first try. "Oh, sweet, thanks," he changed his reaction, though, once he saw what she had attacked him with, pocketing it. "Alright, I'll see you later, okay? Gotta do some work, pay off your freaking medical bills," he threw a mock smile towards them, starting to exit.

"Oh, don't you lift one finger too many… I guess... what? A week's paycheck must cover all the expenses?" Amber mocked him back, making Jo choke on the water she was sipping at. Alex snorted.

"Do you have the slightest idea how much money you cost us in here? I mean, the surgeries are covered since Bailey and Webber did it on their pro-bono budget. But there are scans and blood screens and meds and that bed you rant about every single day…. You cost me thousands and thousands of dollars, I hope you know that," he shot back, still amicably, though.

"What do you mean? I mean I know it's expensive and all… but it's affordable, right? I mean… I'd never let you pay if I didn't know that you had the money…," Amber questioned him insecurely.

"Um," Jo looked in between them in confusion, Aaron having paused typing, listening in. "He does _not_ have the money, you realize that, right?" Jo stared at Amber unbelievingly.

"What do you mean by that? He's a surgeon. Of course he has the money," Amber defended herself desperately. Both Alex and Jo snorted now.

"Amber, we're both in training. We're still doing our residency. We get paid next to nothing considering what we do here. I promise, he does not pay those medical bills out of his petty cash," Jo corrected her, leaning back in her chair. Alex sighed dramatically, looking up at the ceiling.

"But Alex… you said you had it covered, right? I'd never have come here if I thought you couldn't manage it? God, Alex, please tell me I didn't just ruin you," Amber begged now.

"You happy with yourself now?" Alex directed towards Jo who had been completely oblivious about all their money exchanging, looking guilty. Alex turned towards his sister and sighed. "It's fine, Amber, don't worry about it," he said.

"Wait a minute," Aaron interrupted. "How did you pay mom's medical bills all those years if you don't make enough money? And don't you have to pay off student loans?" Alex felt how all eyes were on him and he groaned inwardly. _Why did they have to start this subject?_

"It's fine. I've managed to do it until now, and I will in the future, so everybody, just quit worrying about it, I got it under control," he said.

"You can't. How? How are you still living and feeding yourself and wearing clothes for that matter?" Jo frowned at him now, concerned.

"I live with my best friend, I feed myself off of other people's plates and I wear scrubs all day long," he joked, looking at her in mock boredom, making her narrow her eyes. Alex rolled his eyes when Amber gulped noisily. "I'm kidding, you guys," he turned towards his siblings again. "I'm fine. You're fine. Let's change the subject. I'm out of here," he said smilingly, turning around and walking out the room towards the nurses' station. He walked around it to pull up Amber's latest scans on the computer, still feeling uncomfortable about letting her go. He heard as the door slid open again and sensed someone leaning against the other side of the counter, looking at him piercingly. He looked up at her swiftly, before his eyes studied the screen again.

"How are you?" Jo asked him softly.

"Fine. What do you need?" he asked her dismissively.

"Nothing," she just shrugged, still looking at him. Alex stretched up again, counter-checking something in her chart before looking up at her face.

"Okay… so… what can I help you with?" he smiled at her in confusion. She shrugged again, smiling.

"I just wanted to talk to you," she said. "I haven't really talked to you in those three weeks, you know," she pointed out for him, flashing her eyes. "Just wanted to check if you still know who I am," she smiled. Alex rolled his eyes.

"Sorry, there's been so much going on," he defended himself immediately.

"I know, I know, it's fine. I just… ," Jo sighed, nervously it seemed. "It's been three weeks. I… miss you," she stated, averting her eyes, fixating a spot on the counter where her arms were resting folded up.

"Did you tell them?" Alex' eyes flitted towards Amber's room and could see both his siblings watching them half-discreetly.

"Not exactly," Jo half-smiled, looking down again, a shade of red rising in her cheeks.

"What does that mean?" he raised his eyebrows at her.

"They pretty much figured it out…," she told him tentatively. Alex nodded slowly. "So… I know this may be a little too straight forward regarding how we left things…," Jo started up again timidly, searching his eyes, pausing.

"I'm listening," he told her, amused by her baby steps.

"Do you think there's a chance… of you… wanting to… kiss me… right now?" Alex was taken aback by this. Apart from lingering looks and fleeting touches of their fingertips in passing, they hadn't done anything much the last three weeks. They hadn't shared anything physical, but they hadn't sat down and talked, either. After Amber's surgery, they'd both been back to work regularly, missing each other lots of the times, and at those times they _did _come together in Amber's room, they really didn't do much other than entertain themselves with their siblings. He didn't know that they were still at a base that allowed for them to speak about doing stuff like that so freely. He didn't know he was even 'allowed' to just kiss her. Jo seemed shy but at the same time hopeful, grinning at him insecurely, her eyes wide and her hands wriggling in and out of her sleeves. He couldn't help but chuckle at her. She was adorable.

"You really think this is the right timing for that?" he questioned her.

"Well, I think… I overestimated myself when I said I'd be okay with waiting… I mean I am… I just… I could really use a spoiler for what's to come… you know? If we're going to work this out… or if we're still… on our agreement? I just… really need to know if you still want this…," Jo stumbled out nervously. Alex sighed.

"And kissing you will change that?"

"Yes, absolutely," Jo smiled. "And also, it's gonna soothe me for a bit longer," she looked at him intentionally cute, making him laugh and roll his eyes.

"Jo, I really don't think that this is the time and place. Amber and Aaron are watching us like hawks right now," he started out.

"So, what? They know anyways," Jo countered.

"And we're in the middle of the hospital. Anyone could stroll by right now," he said.

"So… you're not _really _tending towards making us… an official… thing…?" Jo inched closer to the answers she needed desperately. This made Alex sigh again.

"Alright, apparently I'm saying all the wrong things today," he looked down at her exasperatedly, but still smiling. Jo just shrugged slowly, trying to hide a smile. "You know, they are gonna go nuts," Alex said, bending a little closer.

"There's gonna be squealing," Jo nodded with a smile, wriggling her eyebrows, leaning on her elbows that were resting on the counter a bit more, to get closer to him. Alex chuckled, shaking his head before throwing everything out the window and closed the gap between them, kissing Jo deeply. Alex wouldn't bet _all _his money on it but he was pretty sure that he could hear Amber squeal before he could even taste Jo's lips. He could feel how Jo was cupping his cheeks with her palms that were half covered with her sweater and how she breathed into the kiss as if in relief. After a few moments of reveling in the feeling of having her lips on his, he pulled back, however, only slightly and looked at her smiling face, her eyes still closed.

"That better?" he asked her in a whisper, making her nod.

"Thank you," she gave him back.

"We'll find the time, I promise, okay?" he told her, before pecking her lips one more time and getting up, walking around the corner of the counter and matching their fingertips swiftly before walking away, feeling light. He didn't like having given his siblings, or rather his sister, more juice but that was minor to showing Jo that he _did_ care. And he had kissed her. And even though he had longed for her every single night when he was lying in his empty bed since they had last been with each other, he hadn't consciously formed the sentence but now he actually realized how much it was true. He had missed her so much. So he smiled, and subsequently creeped out Arizona who had just walked up towards him.

* * *

"I can't believe you got her on the flight," Alex shook his head at Aaron, looking around the busy airport the next night. "You're gonna be so uncomfortable, Amber, you sure you wanna do this today?"

"I'm sure I don't wanna spend more money cancelling the flight than I did with buying the seat," she pointed out, looking at him sweetly. "I'll be fine, I promise," she told him with emphasis. Alex nodded slowly, sighing.

"Alright," he finally stopped protesting. "Call me as soon as you're back home. Do not overdo it! Do not lift one single piece of luggage, you have Aaron for that. Don't go partying or engage in strenuous activities of any sort. Go to your check-ups regularly. Don't do drugs or alcohol. Do not forget your meds," he started his list of instructions for his little sister who just smiled at him patronizingly.

"Oh, Alex, just stop worrying," she told him, smoothing out his shirt.

"Let me finish," he barked at her, making her shut up with a smile. "Don't get into more trouble and tell me if there's anything coming up on your doctor's appointments. Or if you don't feel well. Don't ever play anything down anymore. All of it, really, could relate to your new liver, okay? And most importantly," Alex gave her a piercing look. "Send me a picture of that flight attending," he stated, making them all laugh and Amber hit his chest.

"You are such an idiot, come here," she ordered, taking him into a light hug, since she was still sore from her surgeries. "Thank you, Alex," she whispered into his ear, and he could hear her tearing up. "Thank you so, so much for everything, you have no idea," she repeated.

"Thanks for surviving, baby girl," he whispered back, holding onto her tightly. He could feel her smile against him, making him reflect the sentiment on his own face. When he tried to loosen their embrace, Amber held him close.

"You love her, Alex," she murmured. "And she loves you. Don't ignore it, okay? You'll be amazing together," she pulled back and stared at him deeply. Until Amber was looking at him, he had already formed his teasing reply but now he only found himself nodding, averting his eyes. They parted and he walked over to hug his brother.

"Thanks, man," Aaron said, holding him tight. "Thanks for everything, I don't even know what to say," he said.

"Thanks for bringing her here. And being everything I never was to her," he admitted within their embrace. They parted and smiled at each other before looking over at the still hugging girls, rolling their eyes.

"Take care of Alex for me, will you?" he heard Amber whisper. Jo, who was facing towards him, matched eyes with him and smiled.

"I will," she responded before they parted, too. Alex and Jo stood shoulder to shoulder, watching his siblings walk through security and waved them goodbye. When they had walked out of their field of vision, Alex sighed and turned towards Jo who smiled at him slightly. "And then there were two….," she said in a small voice. Alex nodded, pondering. _What were they gonna do now?_

"Do you need me to take you somewhere?" he asked her as nonchalantly as possible.

"Preferably back to your place…," Jo gave back to him, biting her lip. "But it's your choice, really," she said, looking away. They stood there for another minute before Alex started moving.

"Come on," he said, motioning her towards the car. They drove in silence, Alex not knowing what to say by the life of him and feeling how nausea rose slowly in his guts and as if his fingers definitely would start trembling if he didn't grip the steering wheel that hard. _What were they gonna say? What was he gonna say? What did he want? Was he ready for this? Would he even be able to shape words? _Alex sighed before gulping heavily and risking a glance over towards Jo once he had sped up on the highway. She was looking out the window, seeming distant, her hands clutched in her lap, quietly riding along. She seemed nervous, too. When Alex had finally drove them to their destination, he got out of the car and jogged up the front stairs swiftly, hearing her soft steps trail behind him. He unlocked the door, realizing with relief that they were alone. He didn't bother to switch on the lights, instantly making his way up to his room, entering, dropping his stuff on the bed and reaching over to his bedside lamp to switch it on, since he still hadn't bothered to exchange the dead light bulb from the ceiling lamp a couple of weeks ago. The room was dark, apart from the dim light the lamp covered them in and the window provided even more darkness. He looked back at Jo insecurely, watching her hover at the threshold, rubbing her palms on her thighs and waiting for him to invite her in.

"Nice house," she whispered after a moment, taking a step forward when he motioned for her to do so. She closed the door behind her while Alex leaned back on the window sill, staring down at his feet. They stayed in silence for a stretch of time until he heard Jo clear her throat and he looked up at her. "We probably should talk about us now," she offered towards him. He just nodded.

"I don't really know what to say, though," Alex said, feeling like they were starting all over again, not having been with each other since back in Boston, not having talked about it, not having told each other that it was practically a done deal that they were going to be together.

"Look," Jo took a couple of step closer, so they were only feet apart. Comfortable conversational space. "It's only us now. We've never really been only us. We were always the four of us. And you and me… we have only ever really been good together if something was up with Amber or Aaron. When we were in their surroundings. We've never truly gotten to know each other without them. Maybe that's where we should start. I need to know if we can be _us _without them. Because they're gone now and we're still here and…," she tried to voice her concerns.

"You really think that?" Alex narrowed his eyes at her, thinking about it himself. "You think that they made us be good together?"

"I don't know if they _made_ us… but we only ever spent time as a…quartet…and that's when we developed…that's when I fell in love with you… that's how _our _relationship built…within the group of four… we kinda…singled out," she tried to explain her way of thinking. Alex nodded, shoving his hands into his pockets. "Anyways, it doesn't matter right now… it's just… I can't seem to get over you. I don't care what all happened. We both made so many mistakes, we waited so long… too long… we grew apart… we fell in love with other people… life kept on going…but one thing I know for sure…even if I not once talked about you in those years while we were apart… I couldn't ever forget about you. I told you before… you ruined me for every other guy. All I really want is you and I just…," Jo shrugged. "I can't get over that. I need you, Alex," she laid out her cards. Alex gulped hard before trying to say something that had been flying through his thoughts frequently when trying to review a properly functioning relationship between them.

"I don't know, Jo. I don't know if I can do it… I've always been _so _angry. Everything makes me angry, I swear. Thinking about _anything_ in the past, really. Seeing stupid intern faces. People talking too loud. Patients that have too many questions. Anybody else touching you…," he elaborated, seeing Jo hike her eyebrows and smiling sweetly.

"Is it the friendly handshake between me and other doctors or me touching a patient when I test his reflexes that anger you more?" They stared at each other when nobody said anything. Alex dropped his eyes eventually and shook his head, chuckling slightly. _It wouldn't be Jo if she didn't mock him in a situation as serious as this one. _He looked up when he heard her take a deep breath. "You know," she pointed out for him. "At some point I started thinking about soft little kittens every time I saw you with another girl…," she told him.

"When in the world did you see me with other girls?"

"All the time, Alex. You were never alone. You asked me once why I never spoke up? You always had some stupid chick glued to you!" Jo blew up a bit.

"You realized that? Back then I mean? You realized I was going out wi-," he started, baffled.

"Of course I did," Jo scrunched up her face. "Why wouldn't I? I mean yes… you never brought them back home…obviously," she rolled her eyes. "But we were attending the same school, you know… and well…," she looked at him exasperatedly. "When will you ever stop thinking that I was an oblivious, stupid little baby when you were in your senior year?" Alex chuckled.

"Trust me, I did _not _see you as a little baby back then. I tried to but I didn't…," he shook his head. "That first time we met again… after your volleyball practice," he said, making her nod, "I was so blown away by you that I almost hurt myself later for thinking stuff like that about you," he said.

"Why?" she asked him in confusion.

"Because," Alex raised his voice a bit. "I wasn't supposed to fall for you. I wasn't supposed to find you _hot_," he tried to reason, only making her chuckle and shake her head.

"You're an idiot, you know that?" she looked up at him lovingly. "Well, anyways… back to my kittens… At some point when my anger wouldn't subside anymore about that… when it was on the verge of spilling… I realized that my longstanding method of calming myself was now working against me! I was now angered_ by_ soft little kittens!" she told him, making him smirk.

"Why are you telling me this?" he looked at her in amusement.

"Because, Alex," Jo took a step closer, "I think we both need anger management. We're both hot headed and stubborn and way too casual about our knuckles. But that's not a reason why we shouldn't be together."

"I thought you told me you put that wild girl behind years ago…," Alex inquired playfully. "Or are you still putting dirt in little kids' mouths?" They both laughed softly at the memory of that.

"Look, Alex. I've always cared about you. Even back _then_…," she tried to make him see.

"Jo…," he tried to stop her but she wouldn't.

"No, Alex, I know this is hard. And I know it's awkward and hitting way too close and most of my days I don't know what to do with it either… I just… I can't stop thinking about you… and I genuinely feel this has been like that since I first met you. It's not always been romantic or sexual… but it's always been there. But now… I…we…I mean, it's _so_ much more now. It's… you mean more to me than anybody in my life ever did. When you're angry, I'm angry – and trust me, that's a problem – when you're hurting, I am. When you're happy, I could hug the freaking world, and I'm not a hugger, but you know that, too. I just… I think I'm… ugh this is so hard," she tried to express her feelings and failed for a moment.

"Jo, I don't even know how to…," Alex tried to pick up again but she still wouldn't let him.

"No, Alex," she brought up her hand now to stop him. "Please, just let me finish. I know you can't let anyone close. But we're already so close if we're being honest with ourselves. I think we could do it… we could actually pull it off," she begged him now. "I'm so, so, so scared, too, trust me. But with you…," she shook her head. "Everything seems less scary and a lot more manageable with you," she finished.

"What are you saying?"

"I think I'm saying I wanna be your girlfriend…?" Jo looked at him sideways with a cheeky smile, blushing the tiniest bit and laughed. Alex just stared at her.

"I'm not sure you really do, though, Jo," he told her truthfully. Jo sobered up quickly when he stayed serious like that and frowned at him in pain.

"I'm pretty sure I do," she nodded at him. "At least that's what it feels like… it feels like I have never in my life had a home to go to… I couldn't even define what home is… I mean… can you? Is it a house? Or a place? A job? A friend? Family? I never thought about it that much but now it just… I think I realized what home is…," she defined her emotions.

"Being with you," Alex just stated.

"Being with you," Jo repeated, nodding, biting her lips. Alex gulped.

"I'm not sure I can do it," Alex voiced his fears again.

"You've had girlfriends before," she told him. "You had a wife for God's sake," she pointed out to him exasperatedly.

"Yeah…but that's all they were," he responded lazily.

"Okay…?"

"Don't you see?" he asked her pleadingly.

"Apparently I really don't," she gave him back, waiting for elaboration.

"You're… you're so much more than that. I… you're not a _girlfriend… _you're… you're so… you're Jo," he told her, making her smile at him sweetly. "I don't wanna disappoint you. I don't wanna lose you… I can't. I don't wanna hurt you," he quieted down a bit.

"You don't need to protect me, Alex," Jo spoke.

"But it's all I can think about. What if I mess this up? We're good now. We've finally made up. We cleared up all confusion and we finally can talk to each other perfectly normal. We're good now. I don't wanna mess this up," he pleaded.

"You're not gonna mess anything up," Jo took another step closer. "I get why you are scared to commit to something that feels more than the normal relationship… because I feel the same way. But what exactly makes you think you're gonna mess it up?"

"Because I'm a big screw up," he said.

"Give me an example," Jo demanded. Alex sighed.

"I don't know… I never told you how I've felt about you...for the longest time of my life. I could have asked you out a million times and I didn't. Instead I fooled around with girls that I wasn't even interested in. I was mad at you at a time that you needed me most, I just… I was never the friend you deserved to have," he told her, his voice breaking.

"But that's not true," Jo scrunched up her face. "That's just wrong. You were the best friend I could have ever had in my life. You never once failed to show me all the support you had for me and you were there for me all the time. Always. Even if you had rather gone over to Stacey's, you stayed with me if you thought I needed you. All the time, Alex. You may have never told me that you actually didn't wanna be my friend but much more. But Alex, I only never saw that because I couldn't..because I was in love with you, too, and I was insecure about it and I could in no way act on it… if I hadn't been in love with you, I would have known about your feelings for me, too, like I knew about everything else in your mind and heart. I have always been able to read you pretty decently," she told him.

"But I never say anything. I never dare tell," he countered desperately.

"It doesn't matter, Alex, I know exactly what you are saying when I look at you. And you are so good at showing what you feel, trust me," she shook her head at him just as desperately. Alex shook his head, seeming sad. "Look at me. Is that all there is to it? That you never told me? That's what scares you the most? That you're scared you won't be able to communicate with me? To me? Or is there _anything e_lse… anything, really? Not even between us… but something that makes you think that you are going to mess this up," she asked him, having cupped his chin and making him look at her now. There was a moment of pause.

"I must have done something wrong to make my wife leave me," he shrugged, trying to avert his eyes. He closed his eyes. _Why had he brought that up now? But then again, why not? They were talking now… and this was important. _

"What happened?" Jo asked tentatively, making him sigh again.

"Izzie and I had history from the start. I was a real jerk when I came into the program… may correlate with the fact that you had left a couple of months before… anyways, she was the only person in our class that gave me a chance…and I fell for her. We tried dating for a bit but I screwed it up and then she fell in love with that DNR patient," Alex motioned at Jo, trying to tell her that he had told her the story, Jo just nodded, focusing on his narrations. "Anyways, when he died, she was pretty devastated. We both went through some rough patches… not together but you know…with other people. But then at some point we tried again and I really thought that it was gonna work. And then she was diagnosed with her cancer. We got married at the suggestion of Bailey when they found another tumor that they thought was inoperable… and we did. We got married on a whim. We both thought she was going to die. But even if she hadn't died, I was so sure that we were gonna stick. I loved her so much. She beat the cancer and everything was so good. I mean, no, not everything was good, but you know…she survived…against all odds. And then one of our own died, and there were cuts at the hospital… she was fired. And she partly blamed me for it and left. She came back later to make amends but I had moved on… or at least… I… I didn't wanna be with her anymore. I couldn't. She had hurt me too much. She had left without a word. Only leaving a note… she left me in the dark for ages. I didn't know if she was dead or alive and I had been trying _so _hard," he concluded. Jo looked at him in horror.

"Oh my God, Alex," she whispered, her eyes wide with shock. "I'm so, so sorry…," she muttered and she looked frantic.

"Hey, what's going on?" Alex grabbed her hand and tried to still her.

"I'm….I'm… I mean… oh my God…this is so horrible," Jo was tearing up but trying to keep them in.

"What?" he barked at her when she didn't say anything.

"I didn't know any of it... I didn't know... I just... I thought you went to Vegas and got wasted and married the first pole dancer you tipped really well... I had no idea," she shook her head. "And everything else... I had no idea that this was… was how she ended it," she said. Alex sighed, nodding. "Why would you give me a second chance when you didn't do it with her?" Alex frowned.

"Because these are two very different pairs of shoes, Jo. I'm sure I made mistakes within my marriage...but her leaving me... it was a selfish, hurtful thing to do. Trust me, I'm no pro at it but in my opinion, things like that don't belong in a marriage. One person loving the other much more doesn't belong in a marriage. You leaving? I was partly to blame for that one. I could tell you a thousand differences. Some of which are surely that we were young and we both had no idea about what we wanted or at least, we had no idea about what the other one wanted. Whereas Izzie and I had sworn to each other in front of hundreds of people... that we'd love and support one another. Believe in each other, trust each other. But Jo, we weren't married. We weren't even a couple. And your reasons didn't include that I was a bad husband and didn't support my wife like I should have even though I tried _so _hard," he said. "And you are the… you are…," Alex stared at her, not being able to say the word. "What we had...what we have... is so much more even though we are not even close to being married," he added. Jo nodded understandingly but then frowned.

"What do you mean, you were a bad husband? How?"

"I don't know… I still don't know… I just think… Now I just think that Izzie and I both were looking for something completely different in a relationship and we both couldn't give the other what they really needed… or at least that's the most reasonable argument I can think of. She just… she didn't believe in me… she never gave me the benefit of the doubt… and I feel like… she wouldn't have accepted my whole me… not that I ever told her much…. Which again, probably makes me a hypocrite myself since I apparently never gave her a chance to do so either…," he pondered. They looked at each other, their gazes melting, trying to move forward. Jo took the final step eventually.

"Look. I know there's no such thing… at least until now… there is no person on this planet that has really seen you… that you have let close enough to see all of you and know all of you… I know that with every person there is you put up…. like a ten mile radius around you, so they can't come any closer than necessary… but, Alex," she said, grasping his hand at this, "we've gone so many miles together. So many freaking miles. And I know…that there's still like… a huge gap between you and me. And it will take forever for me to bridge that gap…those…remaining… those ten feet that we are still apart and that we will still be apart for a very long while because I know how long it takes for you…but also for me to truly let someone in… but for what it's worth… I will try forever from now on, I will try for all eternity to bridge those ten feet that keep us apart. And I know you will too because I know you. And I can feel how my part of those ten feet keep crumbling steadily the longer I'm with you, the more I let you in and I know with all my heart that it's the very same with you. Because I act completely idiotic in your vicinity… I keep showing my biggest fears and I keep letting you in and yes… we will stumble so many times, we'll probably be so exhausted by the time we have bridged at least some of those feet and it will be the hardest thing in our lives… but I'm saying, Alex, I'm saying that I want just that. I want to walk those freaking ten feet and I will wait for you to reciprocate for all my life, if that's what you want from me. And I know we will arrive at some point, we will bridge all that space that is left between us, I promise you, I will never give up on us. I will never give up on you," Jo pleaded with him frantically. She took a deep breath when she was done, waiting for an answer.

"Did you know that there's a study that says foster kids can't grasp the concept of forever? Like…they're always running from the change… which is hilarious really…because as kids their lives sometimes changed in a heartbeat and often daily… so they keep running all their lives… and the _change_ for them, really, would be settling down… and forever would be… is like... the biggest change of all... it's like a... a stretch of time... I can't really grasp," he slowed down at the end, however, he never averted his eyes.

"Yeah, I know. I can't really, either," she admitted.

"But with you…," Alex started.

"I feel like forever is nothing with you…," Jo jumped in when he succumbed to staring at her. They stood there, only inches apart, having lost any interest in talking. Having said everything there was. Having arrived at that point at which they couldn't go back, they wouldn't. Alex watched as Jo leaned her entire body forward an inch, being so close, she only had to push herself slightly onto her toes to fall against him and he caught her, feeling how her hands smacked against his chest gently, her whole body resting flush to his and he wrapped one hand around her waist while cupping the back of her head and kissed her. It felt like the whole world was spinning but them. It felt like their first kiss. Their first real kiss. His stomach tugged together weirdly and he bucked a bit when he realized how much he had needed his Jo and that he finally, without any more doubts, could call her his. Jo met him with the same passion and longing, kissing him back desperately. They were so close, they could feel each one of the other's cells. Alex felt chills covering his body when Jo ran her fingers up his chest and wrapped her arms around his neck so tightly, deepening the kiss to an extent that made him see stars and he felt dizzy. He loosened his one hand from the back of her head and supported himself on the window sill to steady himself and they broke the kiss to get oxygen down their lungs, breathing heavily, hot air encasing them, the thought of forever having made them lose control.

"Jo," he breathed out heavily, looking down at her lips and then matching her burning gaze that was so close to him, he could barely keep sane. "I… ," he tried to voice. "I…," he said again, knowing the exact words, screaming them in his head but his cords seemed unable to produce them. The corners of Jo's lips tugged up sweetly and her hands smoothed down the back of his head to cup the sides of his face.

"I know. Me too," she said without much fuss, letting it sink in for both of them, trying to grasp the concept of what they had just established.

Alex was kissing Jo softly, gratefully, smiling, but pulled back suddenly, looking at her sharply.

"What?" she whispered. Alex only shook his head.

"This is ridiculous," he told her.

"What is?" Jo looked at him part confused, part scared.

"I know you can read me," he pointed out, making her nod. "But I need to learn to communicate," he said. "I can do this." Jo widened her eyes, not knowing what to expect. They stared at each other for a while, Jo feeling somewhat reassured when he pulled her really close.

"Now I'm scared," she murmured. Alex smiled.

"I know, I can read you too," he said.

"Weren't you about to communicate?"

_First he had met her eyes, then he had met her boobs. After a stretch of time, he had met a girl who subsequently had turned into a woman. All the while, they had continuously seemed to be ten feet apart. Once, they had been two really lost kids who didn't have a home or a family. Now they had both, and on their way towards forever, they slowly but surely got rid of any more feet that would ever make them be apart again._

"I love you."

_The End._


	26. Extended 25

_**Note:** Place this deleted scene right before chapter 25. It's a seamless transition, everything in this chapter happens right before Alex slides that ICU door open in chapter 25! Enjoy!_

* * *

**Jo's POV:**

The following weeks after Amber's successful transplant passed slowly and they all shifted back to daily routine accordingly. Amber's recovery was painful but very rewarding, seeing her up and cheerful every passing day, rejoicing in the knowledge of having beaten her disease and looking at a long life before her. Alex had begged Bailey to keep his sister in a while longer than usual, fearing that with discharging her too early, things would become unhinged again. The thing he was scared of most was letting her go, watching her go back to Iowa and losing the ability to watch over her.

Even though Amber had frequently told Aaron to leave and go back to his life and job, he had refused. So, he had settled into a guest room at Meredith's house and spent his days, entertaining Amber and keeping her spirits up when she threatened to push over the edge due to being observed in the ICU 24/7. This had been decided by Dr. Bailey herself, since Amber's immunodeficiency was far from under control and they all acted and treated her very carefully. Jo had been trying to spend all her spare time with the Karevs as well, enjoying the revived friendship between all of them, that had been put on ice for a long time before when all their paths had separated a bit due to various career and moving out of state reasons. It was one of those days that Jo had decided to go into the hospital, even though she needed a day far from the hospital desperately, however, she really wanted to spend it with Amber and Aaron. And possibly Alex, having missed him so much since they had grown closer again but knowing that with all their luck, she wouldn't even get a glimpse of him. Her mood changed drastically when the first face she got to see upon entering was Alex.

Jo gave him a small smile before entering the elevator and pushing the button, standing herself right in front of him, maybe a tiny bit closer than she would have with anyone else. She looked over to see some people who she didn't even know ride with them. She closed her eyes, feeling Alex' hot breath on her neck and tried to hide a smile. _Oh, please God, when will be our time? We need to fix us really soon, otherwise I'll die…of longing. _Jo gulped noisily before trying to steady herself. When the door opened up again, some people left and some people entered, one of which was their chief, greeting them both amicably, turning towards the door. Jo felt how Alex boldly placed a very gentle hand to her waist, running his fingers down slowly before entwining them with hers, hanging there loosely until the doors dinged open for Jo to get out.

"Tell her I'll come by later," Alex breathed and she was sure she could hear a hidden chuckle in his voice. She just nodded and narrowed her eyes when walking out, shooting him a mad glare when she had exited and turned towards where she wanted to be. He just smirked and winked at her. _Ugh, it would be such a great thing if those eyes didn't have the ability to melt her. _She felt how her face widened and a smile flitted across her face. She kept it up all the way over to the ICU, tracing her steps with her eyes, not really paying attention to anyone around. When she slid the door to Amber's ward open, she and Aaron both looked up at her with raised eyebrows. Jo's face immediately fell and she could feel her guts drop a bit.

"What?" she exclaimed, putting her purse down and moving closer. Amber narrowed her eyes at her and smiled teasingly.

"Nothing," she shook her head slowly, still observing Jo. "I'm just wondering what makes you so happy this morning," she pointed out.

"Why?" Jo frowned, picking up her purse again and taking a seat next to Amber's bed, getting out a bottle of water and her phone to lie on her nightstand.

"You are all smiley and content, what's up with that?" Amber interrogated her.

"It's my day off," Jo just shrugged, taking a sip of her coffee. "This is all I need to be happy and content," she said with wide eyes.

"Uh-huh," Amber just gave her back in disbelief.

"So, how are you doing today?" Jo tried to change the subject.

"Going stir crazy to be honest," Amber responded, sighing dramatically.

"Yeah, no kidding," Aaron interjected, looking right back down at his phone. Jo looked at him for a second in wonder before going over to Amber again.

"Well, it surely won't be long now. They just kept you in because of your immunodeficiency and because the address on your chart says _Iowa_," Jo pointed out. "Trust me, you didn't wanna go on a plane the last three weeks," she lectured her.

"Well, I wanna go on a plane right about now," Amber snapped back, making Jo roll her eyes. They sat in silence for a bit.

"Alex said he'd swing by later. Maybe you can work on him for making them discharge you rather sooner than later," Jo told her dismissively. When she looked up from her phone because nobody said anything, she found Amber smirking at her. "What?"

"So you were with Alex this morning?" she nodded at Jo knowingly. Jo rolled her eyes again.

"I met him on the elevator," she gave her back, shaking her head.

"M-hm, sure," Amber told her, giggling.

"What's your problem, Amber?" Jo immediately blew up on her, taking her by surprise.

"Whoa, whoa, lady, all's good, I'm just teasing," Amber looked at the older girl warily. Jo looked back at her with a glare, taking a calming breath and looked down.

"Sorry, I just… I can't hear it anymore," she apologized.

"Why does it make you so mad? Something happen between you two?" Amber seemed concerned now.

"No, no," Jo waved her away, shaking her head in exhaustion. "I just… I feel like it's the only thing people ever keep asking… about Alex and me," she said.

"Well, because we all want you guys together. You belong together," Alex' sister tried to make her see.

"Amber, you need to stop doing this. And trust me, I'm the least of your worries in this and I'm already pissed," Jo advised her. Aaron had put his phone down and listened to the clash.

"Stop doing what?"

"Stop butting into our relationship," Jo stated.

"So, there is a relationship?" Amber asked cautiously.

"No," Jo shook her head, closing her eyes at it and sighed. "What I mean is… you should stop saying stuff like we belong together. You have no idea, Amber. You really don't. Please, just stop saying stuff that makes us all uncomfortable. Especially Alex. It's difficult enough as it is," she got it all out, instantly regretting having said too much. There was a short break.

"You know," Amber started out timidly. "I was really little when I met you. Remember that?"

"Down at the stream?" Jo asked in confusion about where this was going, making the other girl nod. "Yeah," she nodded finally.

"Well, as said, I was ten years old then. I just came back from another unsuccessful reintegration into our home environment with my brothers. Luckily, it was the last one. I was confused and as said, I was little. I didn't know any better. When I came down to play at the stream and I saw you for that very first time, I actually believed you were Alex' girlfriend!"

"Oh, sweetie," Jo told her sympathetically.

"It wasn't something I conjured up in my mind for what I wanted to happen. I actually, genuinely thought you guys were a couple. It took forever for me to find out it wasn't the case. And Aaron actually had to hint me towards it. First I didn't even believe him," she nodded exaggeratedly, looking over towards her brother who joined in with the nodding. "Remember?"

"Yeah, you were pretty distraught," he chuckled quietly.

"I accused you of being jealous of what they have," Amber whispered, sounding apologetic.

"Yeah, you gave me a pretty hard time, you were actually _mad _at me for suggesting that they weren't a thing," he pointed out, making her nod again.

"Why did you think he'd be jealous?" Jo asked her tentatively, not knowing if she wanted to get into all of this. It had been such a long time. She didn't feel like warming all that up again. But then, it actually was kind of enlightening to hear a different take to their story.

"Oh, come on," Amber laughed now. "Don't act as if you didn't know about Aaron's crush on you," she blurted out mercilessly, making him blush and look down at his phone again. Jo looked over at him and sighed, trying to find the right words.

"I… I did know about that," she started slowly, trying to match Aaron's eyes which she succeeded in eventually. "I'm sorry, Aaron," she told him.

"No, it's fine," he looked at her sheepishly. There was an awkward pause before she decided to continue.

"But what I meant was… how did you know about Aaron's… crush on me?"

"Oh, because kids just have a wicked sixth sense like that," Amber's eyes lit up. Aaron snorted.

"No, Amber, it's just you. You do have a wicked sixth sense like that and it didn't get lost when you grew up," he motioned towards her, making her smile and then turned her head towards Jo again.

"So, you're admitting to it?" Jo sighed dramatically, looking at her exasperatedly.

"I'm not admitting to anything here that can't be admitted to," she stated.

"Oh, smooth, really. Come on, it's crystal clear something was going on between you guys," Amber urged her further.

"It wasn't, Amber, stop suggesting differently," Jo protested.

"Oh my," Amber propped herself up theatrically. "You are just as difficult to talk to as Alex!" she glared at Jo who succumbed to a smile.

"Why can't you just accept that we've always been friends? Best friends, okay, I'll give you that…but nothing more than that, I swear," Jo tried to defend herself.

"Because it's just not true. You're making me mad in trying to tell me so," Amber sighed. Jo joined her and the shared an exhausted look. "Look, Jo, I don't mean to be a nag or make you uncomfortable with things that aren't true. I don't wanna push you into something that's not there. But it is there. Don't you see? I have never in my life met two people that were so right for each other. You guys work so well… you guys complement each other, you are the only one who can actually read my brother… you knew what he was dealing with, you understood him in a way that none of us ever did. And vice versa. We all looked up to you guys, we wanted you to happen. Because we all knew you'd be amazing together. No, let me correct that. You _were _amazing together. I'd die to meet a person like you have found in Alex. And you guys just seem to want to ignore it… it's just not right, Jo. It hurts that you would give up a bond like that," Amber tried to explain. Jo just looked at her, rendered speechless by what Alex' baby sister had just told her. She sighed, looking down. "You were in love with him, right?" Jo took another deep breath, leaving the room in silence but looking up after a moment, their eyes burning into each other. "It's okay, you don't have to say it. We all know you were. You adored him. And he loved you so much. I seriously…. I just… I have been grasping for reasons all over the years why you guys didn't just get over yourselves and admitted it to yourselves and each other. You were head over heels, everybody knew but you guys it seemed…," she rambled on.

"What do you mean everybody knew? Nobody knew," Jo countered weakly.

"Ha! So there was something to know there, huh?" Amber looked certain of her victory. Jo rolled her eyes and sighed again.

"Aaaamber," she whined, putting her head into her hands and cried mockingly. Aaron chuckled quietly. She looked up at him and saw his genuinely content face. There were no words Jo could shape of how happy it made her to see him like that.

"I'm sorry I never gave you a chance," she told him feebly, not knowing if that sentiment was appreciated at all. Aaron smiled.

"That's okay, Jo, really. I wouldn't have wanted to be the alternative… even though I didn't realize that for a long, long time," he winked at her. Jo smiled back at him sheepishly.

"How did you know? I mean… did Alex talk to you?"

"No…," Aaron tried to shape his words. "I just figured it out somehow along the way," he said. "You were pretty obvious if you just looked close enough, Amber's right," he pointed out. Jo felt agitation set inside her.

"I wish you guys would stop saying that. There wasn't anything to be obvious about. Look, I didn't even know myself!" Jo tried to make them see.

"Well, that's something very different," Aaron winked at her again. "I caught you guys so many times… like that one time after Amber was discharged from the hospital… I was actually surprised you only stood and talked. I expected something _very _different," he chuckled.

"As if that was going to happen in there," Jo rolled her eyes. "But seriously, you thought that and you still came out? That's pretty weird, you gotta admit," Jo frowned at him slightly but with a smile softening her features. Aaron chuckled.

"Yeah, but I really couldn't help myself, either," he gave her. "Anyways, that was just one of those times. You fell asleep on the couch, like all the time… just you guys, all alone," he checked that off his mental list.

"Oh, oh, oh," Amber interrupted, seeming excited about something. "Remember our group home camping trip that spring?" she asked towards both of them, making them nod.

"What about it?"

"Remember, the four of us shared a tent," she went on.

"Yeah, why would they even let us do that?" Jo scrunched up her face about the likelihood of that.

"I guess that'll be on my head. I cried all the time, remember? I had been sleeping with you for ages, and I was scared all the time," Amber looked at them in embarrassment.

"Yeah, maybe," Jo laughed. "You gave me some headaches with that," she told her amicably.

"Yeah, whatever. So, we were sleeping, Aaron, Alex, me and then you, right?" Amber thought about it hard.

"Um, yeah I guess, can't remember that well," Jo told her.

"No, I think that was it. But then I tossed and turned and halfway kicked you out of the tent," Amber laughed. "So you rearranged ourselves and lay next to Alex," she said, getting to where she wanted to be.

"What the hell are you getting at?"

"When I woke up, you guys were all cuddled up, I remember. That was one of the times I was so sure Aaron was lying about you guys. Seriously, Alex' arms were wrapped around you really tight and his head was resting in the crook of your neck, right beside you, you know…," she narrated dreamily.

"What are you talking about? That never happened," Jo half laughed about it, half frowned.

"You were asleep! Ask Alex," Amber challenged her.

"How would he know if we were asleep?"

"He woke up early next morning, finding me staring at you guys," Amber laughed. "He immediately disappeared from the tent. He was all flustered and you know… embarrassed," she continued.

"Oh my Goood," Jo called out all of a sudden. "Was that why he was all dismissive with me that one last day?" her eyes shimmered in late recognition.

"I thought you couldn't remember that trip that clearly," Amber wriggled her eyebrows at her. Jo rolled her eyes. "Well anyways, yeah, probably, he wouldn't even look at you," she agreed.

"And I thought that was because I had thrown his full pack of cigarettes down the outhouse," Jo mused, making them both laugh.

"You did?"

"Yeah, that stuff is nasty," Jo immediately defended her actions.

"Yeah, nobody else would have dared do that to him. Does he still do it?"

"Nah… not really… well, sometimes," Jo answered lazily.

"Well, anyways, I could tell you a thousand times when you guys acted as more than just friends. You guys got so comfortable with each other, which was seriously weird in my eyes since both of you aren't the people to… bond quickly… or be on a touching base. But you both didn't seem to care much about the respective other touching you. Like, remember when he carried you home that one time, because you sprained your ankle and refused to go to the doctor's?"

"Ha, yeah, I do remember that," Jo smiled, reveling in the memories.

"Here, I actually still have a picture of that," Amber tugged out her phone and began to scroll.

"Seriously? How do you have a picture of that? I mean, there even was a picture of that?" Jo asked her in disbelief.

"Yeah, Ms. Mallory gave it to me later," she explained, stretching out her arm and showing the picture that she had clearly photographed off the real piece to Jo and Aaron. Jo's hand's immediately flew up to her face.

"Oh my God! I was so damn young! This is so amazing," Jo laughed in joy, looking at the almost 11 year old picture of her, riding Alex piggy back while Amber was carrying Jo's backpack with a huge smile and Aaron looked… well, pissed. Jo laughed. _Good times. _They all stayed in silence for a while, indulging in the piece of old memory together. After that, Jo tried to get herself together again and sighed, looking up at Amber in all seriousness. "But seriously, Amber, Alex and I were only ever friends," she tried to convince her.

"Yeah, friends who were secretly in love," Amber winked at her, making her sigh and say nothing. There was a small shift in moods within their room and Amber continued quietly. "Why didn't you keep in touch after Alex left?" she asked Jo, making her shrug. "Did you ever see each other again? I mean later… after that one time with Cory," she corrected her previous question.

"Um, yeah, once," Jo replied dutifully, however, her eyes searched the ground and she sounded dismissive.

"When was that?"

"Back in Harvard," she gave her piece by piece.

"So… what about then? Did you… get along?" Amber sounded careful now, wary of Jo's mood.

"Yeah."

"So… were you… you know… still in love with him?" Jo exhaled deeply before looking up at the younger girl in exasperation.

"Come on, Amber," she shook her head at her.

"Alright, alright," Amber held up her hands. "It's just… I don't know… every time I talked to Alex… he seemed to still be pining for you…," she explained her motives. Jo looked up at her in surprise. "Haha, look at you, you're blushing," Amber immediately called her out.

"I'm not," Jo grumbled quietly.

"You so are," Aaron told her, chuckling. Now she looked up at him, not believing that he'd actually join in with his little sister.

"Just… can we have at least _some _privacy here?" Jo begged for them to stop. She knew all the things she wanted to tell them. She knew she loved Alex and had loved him for the better part of her life. But she also knew that she wouldn't ever tell them about what had happened between them, about their relationship and what was happening in between them right now. It was just not what she wanted to discuss with them. And surely Alex didn't want her to, either.

"Hm, I don't know, Jo. It's getting interesting here… and you really don't convince me of _really _not wanting to talk about it," Amber winked at her. Jo rolled her eyes in defeat, leaning back in her chair. "So… what's my brother like…?" Amber smiled at her sweetly.

"What do you mean?" Jo frowned at her.

"You know…," Amber pulled on.

"Oh, no you don't. You don't get to ask that, seriously, Amber," Jo told her sharply.

"Oh come on, just a tiny little bit of what it's like t-," Amber started but Jo was already blowing up.

"Oh my God, shut up, Amber, will you? I'm not gonna tell you what it's like to be with your brother," Jo glared at her.

"What? Come on! Why not? Please? Just a little bit…," Amber whined.

"You tell me you seriously wanna hear what it's like to be _in bed w_ith your own BROTHER?! Doesn't that strike you the tiniest bit odd?" Jo was livid now. What the hell was her problem?

"Oh my God," Amber yanked her head back and made a face. "I _did not _talk about that! Ew, Jo! Seriously? I was asking what it's like to be with my brother… you know…what he's like when you guys are alone… but oh my God, now I have those images in my head," she went on, putting her face into her palms.

"Stop," Jo told her, pained, and embarrassed about even thinking like that. There was an awkward pause that was ended when suddenly Amber's head snapped up and looked at her with the widest eyes Jo had even seen. "What?"

"Oh my God, you just told me that you have slept with my brother before! Oh my Gooood, this is so huge! Oh my, ooooh my I can't even… oh my," Amber completely freaked while Jo sank lower and lower into her chair. "Oh come on, you already spilled the beans, give me some details. I mean… not like that obviously! But… you know when? During my surgery? Cause before you were all mad with each other and bickering," she rambled on, obviously excited about the news. Jo just stared at the ceiling, not knowing how to take this one back.

"Oh come ooooon," Amber whined some more. When Jo bit her lips, Amber narrowed her eyes. "Wait… did you… no, you didn't! Did you already do it in Boston? Like when you met? Is that why you look all guilty? Because you never once said anything?" Amber interrogated her. Jo sighed deeply before looking up at Amber with an impartial face.

"Oh my freaking- this is… oh I can't _believe _it," Amber danced around in her bed.

"Please be careful, Amber, you're still sore," Jo warned her.

"And you actually wait to tell me NOW?!" now she looked reproachful.

"I didn't tell you anything, Amber," Jo pointed out weakly, making the younger one roll her eyes. "Why do you care so much, Amber?" she tried to channel all those emotions.

"God, you really don't get it, right? My speech a while ago about having met _the _right person for someone and how that is so very rare…no? Okay… let me try to make it clear to you some other way… alright, so… you know when you watch a TV show…and get really into it," she tried to explain, Jo following her with a frown. "And you watch it all the time, and you start to ship a couple," she continued.

"What's that supposed to mean?" both Aaron and Jo spoke up, their faces scrunched up.

"Like… when you fall in love with a couple on TV… and really just… you want everything for them… you practically live vicariously through them…," she enlightened them. Aaron chuckled and Jo let her face fall into her hands again.

"Oh my goodness, Amber, you are way more weird than I ever thought," she chucked out, only making her laugh.

"Yeah, whatever, anyways. It's like that… you watch the TV show and all you want for them is to be happy…and show it… and you know… you read every little spoiler you get online or in a magazine or wherever really… and you go on… always hoping for the best, never forgetting about them, and then THREE FREAKING YEARS LATER you find out that there's a deleted scene you never got to see or even hear about?! It's like, the ground is shifted! I… I… I feel like I can't breathe, really… I mean… I have been pining for you guys and now you tell me you actually have made it work at one point? Oh, darling, this is groundbreaking news. Don't you dare downplay it!" Amber looked at her in all seriousness, making Jo actually chuckle for she couldn't help herself, shaking her head. They stared at each other for a while, smiling. "Oh, sweetie, you are so terribly in love, aren't you?" Amber looked at her almost in pain. Jo looked up at her and sighed. _Why fight it any longer, right? _She shrugged. "Oh my, I can't believe all this is really happening… I never thought I'd get to see you guys together," Amber genuinely seemed touched. Jo bit her lip hard. "So why didn't you keep in touch after Boston? I mean… why were you all mad and at each other's throat when we first came here?" Jo looked down, trying to conceal her emotions. "What happened, Jo?"

"Nothing," she said, matter-of-factly.

"What happened?" Amber looked at her sternly.

"This really is none of your business, Amber, and this time, I do mean it," Jo told her.

"Did he cheat on you?" Amber asked her straightforwardly. Jo scrunched up her face, looking at her in surprise.

"What? No," she shook her head wildly.

"What else, then? Was he a jerk? Do I need to kick his ass?"

"No," Jo kept shaking her head, trying not to break.

"I don't get it… what could it be? Was it…you know… _bad?_" she asked awkwardly.

"No, Amber, stop it, please," Jo had closed her eyes and tried to calm, tracing her sinuses in a hypnotic motion.

"Okay," Amber finally realized she had gone a bit too far. They sat in silence for a bit, everyone pondering about what had been said. "I really thought it was over between you two when I heard he got married. I was devastated. It hurt, so much. I just… I really only want you guys to be happy, I swear," she quietly explained her motives. Jo tightened her lips in understanding and nodded. After a while she looked over at Aaron and tried to voice one more concern.

"Hey, so, what did you mean by everybody knew?"

"Well, I guess Ms. Morgan was suspecting… they always kept an eye on you guys and they even asked us a couple of times, right?" Aaron frowned and looked over at Amber questioningly.

"Ms. Jolanders did at least," she added quietly.

"Well, and Adam of course," Aaron went further down his list.

"Wait, what?" Jo turned her head back to him in deep shock.

"Adam… you know…Blittwick. Alex' friend?"

"Um yeah, I know who he is…but he doesn't know, right? He can't know…," Jo felt all her insides freeze. _This wasn't happening, right?_

"Sure he knows," Aaron nodded that off.

"No! Alex never told him," Jo grasped for facts to hold on to.

"So? As established, you guys were pretty obvious. He was Alex' best friend. He wasn't at all a bad guy. Yes, he fooled around a lot…but he actually did that on purpose. They had known each other forever and they were pretty tight buddies… Adam was a real good guy. He cared for Alex," Aaron tried for her to see.

"So he… just knew? Is that what you are saying?" Jo was confused.

"Well," Aaron blushed, making Jo narrow her eyes. "It all started with me accidentally telling him that you were a foster kid too…," he looked down sheepishly. "I totally heard you guys talk that one time about how you were glad that Alex didn't tell Adam…. He already knew at that point. I'm so sorry, Jo, I know you didn't like to go around telling people," he apologized sincerely.

"Yeah, whatever," Jo said, anticipating an explanation.

"And then he just figured it out. He met you and then watched you a lot…," Aaron said.

"But why did he keep asking me out?" Jo blurted out, trying to make sense of all that information.

"Well, my best guess is: to cover for Alex. He may have never admitted it to him, but they were close. Adam knew Alex wouldn't dare act on his feelings… but he also knew that you were everything to him. Alex didn't usually act like he did with you when he was around other girls," he concluded.

"But he didn't act at all around me at school!" Jo protested, full on agitated now.

"Uh, yeah he did. He looked at you… watched you… never let his eyes off you. He was protecting you, all the time. He got really mad when all those guys started drooling over you. He'd ball his fists…be his usually grumpy self… and Adam realized that…early on even. So, he covered for him," Aaron repeated.

"Does that mean he never really liked me? Adam I mean?"

"Yeah he did, of course, you were _hot_," Aaron laughed, making her roll her eyes. "He probably wouldn't have said no… but he wouldn't have piled on that freaking much if he had genuinely wanted to be with you. He just wanted to make it as ridiculous as possible for anyone to think about Alex wanting you… because every time you talked, it would be shadowed by Adam's moves… he was a good friend. Even though Alex never said anything to him… he covered his ass. He knew he was scared beyond anything to… I don't really know what he was scared of," Aaron ended his narrations. Jo looked at him with a dry throat.

"Why do you know all this?"

"He told me…back at the football game. I asked him if he really was that blind to you guys… and he enlightened me…," Aaron smiled at her cautiously. Jo felt empty. She slowly let her head fall into her hands and shook her head.

"No, no, no, no," she whispered frantically. "This is not happening."

"Jo, what's wrong? Why is that so bad?" Amber jumped in when Aaron didn't know what to say.

"You don't understand," she shook her head further.

"Did you get it on with Adam?" the patient asked her through narrowed eyes.

"NO!" Jo immediately spat out before looking up and realizing, she had actual tears in her eyes.

"Oh my, Jo, what's going on? Why are you tearing up?"

"It's fine, it's over… I don't wanna talk about it anymore. I just… if I had known that…," she kept shaking her head in disbelief.

"Are you sure everything's okay?" Amber asked one more time. Jo smiled at her, trying to get it together.

"Yeah, thanks, Amber, I really am okay. It was just… I didn't know and… well, _that's _groundbreaking news for me," she chuckled humorlessly, thinking about all those years of excruciating hurt and desperation and longing.

"So," Amber spoke up again after a long, long while of letting silence settle in the room. "Are you… are you guys together now?" she asked tentatively.

"No," Jo shook her head lightly.

"Why not for God's sake?" Amber seemed mad. Jo just shrugged. "Will you be? I mean… will you make it work?" Jo looked up at her and tried to hide a small smile thinking about what Alex and her had planned to do after Amber and Aaron were gone.

"Maybe," she told her in a whisper, making her squeal and clap. Jo immediately got infected and closed her eyes, laughing silently.

"I'm so happy for you guys, really, whatever happened. You guys _do _belong together, even if you don't wanna hear it from me," Amber looked at her lovingly. Jo smiled brightly. "Oh," Amber's whole face lit up, looking through the glass. "And here comes the groooom," she murmured cheekily, making Jo's eyes widen.

"Shut up," she turned towards her, giving her a meaningful look, all of them succumbing to smiling to themselves, silence engulfing them again.


End file.
